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Reader JD was asking me for some specifics on sleep training, and I fought off the urge to give you another list of “How-To’s”. Your baby is much more complicated than a quick “Baby’s Sleep Checklist”, so here are some thoughts to ponder while you are up with your little screamer tonight, courtesy of one of my faves, Selma Fraiberg:

Regarding 9-12 month old babies:

We understand that the older infant finds it painful to be separated from beloved persons. We grant him the right to protest. At the same time this pain, this discomfort, is something he can learn to tolerate if it is not excessive. We need to help him manage small amounts of discomfort and frustration. If we are too quick to offer our reassuring presence, he doesn’t need to develop his own tolerance. How do we know how much he can tolerate? By testing a bit of the limits of his tolerance as they become known to us. The point at which protesting and complaining crying turn into an urgent or terrified summons is the point where most of us would feel he needs us and we would go to him. This is real anxiety and he needs our reassurance. But we need not regard all crying of the older infant and young child as being of the same order. At this age, in contrast to the period of early infancy, the baby can manage small amounts of anxiety or discomforts by himself….As far as possible we should try to reassure the child in his own bed. Picking him up, rocking him, is usually not necessary and seems indicated only when the baby is unusually distressed by anxiety or illness.

From The Magic Years, pages 74-75.

If you like Selma, Click on “The Quotable Parent” down and to the right for more juicy tidbits, or just buy the paperback — I promise it will end up heavily read, re-read, mashed and dog-eared, like mine. I’m clinging tightly to Selma these days (and nights), as Baby #4 has proved to be exceptionally gifted in protesting loudly, and waking up her siblings. But we are making progress, and so will you. Hang in there!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear Dr. Heather,

I’m writing to inquire about our 25-month-old grand-daughter and the attachment that she has to her mother.

Don't Take It Personally, Dad.

Her parents have been very responsive to her since her birth. Our toddler is easy with other people including her regular caregiver, grand-parents, other extended family and just about everyone else. The problem is that when her mother is around she has a strong preference for her, to the exclusion of most others. This happens about 60% of the time.

Her mother and father are gentle and kind and fun-loving. They respond to her emotions and explain the world to her. They are consistent with their house “rules” and explain the world to her so that things make as much sense as possible. She is a bright, articulate, inquisitive, active little girl and appears to be developing normally. Again, the problem is just that she clings to tenaciously to her mom. This is trying on her dad and also tiring for mom.

Any tips on how to reduce the clinging and increase her involvement with others when her mother is present?

Thanks very much.

Grandma
~~~~~~

Dear “Grandma”,

What you’re describing is the sign of a healthy attachment to her mother. Babies at this age have a hard time being in intense relationships with more than one person at a time. Strong parental preferences are COMMON. Unpleasant at times, inconvenient often, but COMMON and NORMAL, at this age. The first step is understanding it, the next step is rewarding her when she works well with her father, you, or other adults. She should be gently encouraged and praised for steps in the right direction, but never scolded if she prefers mom, since this will only work against you.

Your granddaughter is at a stage of venturing out into the world, and then coming back to her “base of comfort” as needed to “refuel”, emotionally. As she gains confidence this will naturally abate. Also, as she grows closer to age 3, she will be more curious about the different activities her father and you can share with her, and this will help too.

I can certainly relate, as I am currently on both ends of the preference spectrum with various of my own children. I’m top of the list with my 9-month-old and 4-year-old, and bottom of the totem pole with my 7 and 9-year-olds — Daddy is their current favorite. All of us need to be understanding about the temporary preferences that our children express — please don’t take it personally, nor should her father. Your time (and his) will come…I promise!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Thanks to Parents Magazine and Sharlene Johnson for giving me the opportunity to be the “Q and A” expert on a topic we’re all familiar with…The Dawdling Toddler. Pick up a copy anywhere magazines are sold, and let us know YOUR suggestions for getting your toddler out the door in the morning.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink