Listen to Kids. Here’s Why
We’re too busy. Too busy to hang out and listen to each other. Too busy to ask open-ended questions. Too busy to let ideas grow in unpredictable, wonderful ways. I’m just as guilty as anyone. Now that our baby is 3, I’m re-dedicating my efforts to get off the crazy/busy bandwagon. She’s got a lot to say, and I don’t want to miss out.
When our kids are little, we have the chance to set the foundation for listening. Asking — and listening. I advise parents to start doing this with their babies even in the earliest weeks and months of life. A surprising amount of communication happens even then. Eventually, you’ll get stories about what happened in preschool that day. Listen for stories of how our kids find their way with their peers. About sharing, arguing, and crying. About making up with friends, and making new ones, too.
Later, in the elementary years, you’ll stories about tests and grades, the bully on the playground, and if you’re lucky, stories like this:
Pretty cool, huh? If we’re too busy, we miss out on those opportunities.
Here’s another payoff: When those kids get into middle and high school — and encounter all sorts of squirrelly social situations — they’ll have a foundation for talking things through with trusted adults to help them find their way. So have fun asking — and listening.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
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Transitioning Your Toddler from Co-Sleeper to Crib-Sleeper
He’ll only sleep with us!
Or maybe you just accidentally fell into having baby sleep in your bed. Lots of babies don’t sleep well in the first year, and we’re so tired that we’re willing to do anything to get a little rest. Plus, it really can be dee-lish to snooze with that little sweetie right there.
But eventually, your little baby grows — into a toddler. And realizes that she can 1) keep herself awake on demand, 2) insist on nursing constantly through the night, and 3) crawl, climb and play all over Mom and Dad, who are trying (in vain) to sleep.
So I get a lot of desperate emails from readers like Amy who are re-thinking the Attachment Parenting thing. Maybe not the WHOLE thing, but the “not getting any sleep at night after umpteen months” thing. Is it possible to transition a toddler OUT of your bed, and INTO her own crib? (Or is a toddler bed in your room better?)
This is such a complicated situation that I’m devoting an entire chapter in my book to it. But until that’s available, here are some things to consider:
- Toddlers don’t associate cribs with “jails” or “cages”, as some might suggest. That’s an adult projection. Toddlers feel relieved to have a safe, cozy, predictable place of their own to retreat to, after a long day toddling, climbing, and falling.
- Letting a toddler have free access to your room (or the whole house) at night while co-sleeping (or sleeping in a toddler bed in your room) is enough to cause most parents to sleep with “one eye open”. Too much freedom, not enough sleep — and maybe not safe, I say.
- Parents who aren’t getting much sleep after many, many months risk SERIOUS health consequences (think: life and death), plus the obvious negative impact on the relationship. Parents need some sleep to stay healthy and sane — plus their own time — together — to be “on the same page” and have a strong relationship. Even babies and toddlers can absorb — and accept — this message.
But how to do it? This depends on your family’s needs, the setup of your home, and your kiddo’s temperament. If you’re struggling with this, let me know. We can problem-solve in the comments section.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
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Giving Empathy Lessons: Video Tips from a Japanese Classroom
Empathy. Happiness. We know we want to teach these essential life skills to our kids. But how? This series of short videos showcases the attitude one Japanese schoolteacher uses to teach his students how to be caring, happy kids. This first segment introduces Mr. Kanemori — a kind, tough, funny teacher whose goal is to teach kids how to live a happy life — and how to care for other people. But he doesn’t sugar-coat life, and the challenges even children confront:
In the second segment, the kids learn key lessons about bullying and what it means to be a true friend. I was amazed at how long he stuck with the lesson. A good lesson for us in how long it takes to convey these complex skills to the kiddos:
The third segment gives a great lesson on how to negotiate with kids. Mr. Kanemori doesn’t hide his aggravation — but he doesn’t rigidly stick with his punishment when the kids explain it wasn’t fair, either. This is especially hard in parenting, because you want the kids to know you are serious in setting limits, and don’t want to let them think they can run over you. Yet sometimes, the kids have a point, and we can model what a reasonable negotiation looks like:
The fourth segment shows us how even children can be taught how to handle life’s tragedies. We want to bubble-wrap them to protect them from the uncertainties of life. We can’t — but we can give them skills to be more resilient:
Finally, the school year comes to an end. Have the kids learned anything from Mr. Kanemori? You be the judge. (Get your kleenex ready.)
Empathy and happiness CAN be taught — but it’s not easy. It takes more time and dedication than most of us realize. Do you teach these lessons at home? And how can we even start doing this in school?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
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Producing a Person: Video Captures the Miracle
The most obvious of miracles are the ones right in front of us. Having a baby — producing a person– is a mind-blowing process. Just think of how many things in the delicate, microscopic machinery of the human body must go RIGHT for a baby to be born. But it’s easy get lost in the daily drudgery of life. We fail to appreciate the beauty of what our bodies have done.
So check this out: a 9 minute Ted Weekends video post that shows — in incredible detail — the journey our baby goes through to become a person. The next time fussy toddlers, crabby bosses, or terrible traffic get me down, I try to remember this video. From a single cell to trillions in just 9 months, it’s a miracle that dwarfs life’s little annoyances.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Potty Training — Are We There Yet?
For our first baby, we approached potty training like a task to be accomplished. A skill to be learned. One more thing to check off the list for that day. Pee and poop — in the potty. How difficult could that be?
Well, pretty difficult. While our daughter was perfectly normal, OUR expectations were totally out of whack. Pooping in the potty was a breeze. But peeing in the potty was something she couldn’t be bothered for. Too many butterflies to chase, too many bugs rescue. She was BUSY, people!
Rewards — stickers, tiny candies, TV time — all helped, but only temporarily. When she peed in the potty, she was doing it for US — and the candy. She wasn’t doing it for HER. We caused ourselves lots of unnecessary aggravation trying new techniques, stressing, and worrying about it. Then one day, she was ready. Just like THAT — she decided she liked the potty better than the diaper.
That’s where a lot of potty training advice goes off-track. It doesn’t take one crucial fact into account: Potty training isn’t about learning the rules to make Mommy and Daddy happy. Instead, it’s about harnessing your toddler’s natural, in-born drive to master his or her own body. Think of it: Babies spend all their time trying to gain mastery over their flailing, unruly little bodies. Once they can talk, walk, and run, they feel an unbounded sense of exhilaration — I can move this body where I want! I can make things happen in the world! Potty training is part of that drive to master their little bodies. And the reward is in the accomplishment itself. I’m not totally against potty-training rewards, but I do think it’s important to understand that the sticker or candy should be a minor part of the potty-training picture.
But progress must be at THEIR pace. Your toddler doesn’t wear a watch, nor own a calendar. Your toddler doesn’t care if the cutoff for preschool entrance is coming soon — potty training can’t be forced. Chasing butterflies and rescuing bugs truly are more important to them — until they’re not.
So what’s a parent to do? As always, check with the pediatrician, but if everything’s OK, mellow out. Adopt a Zen attitude. Breathe deeply. Calm your mind, Grasshoppah. Wax on, wax off. Encourage, but stay one step behind your little potty trainee. It will happen.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
More Proof That CIO Is OK
Don’t flame the messenger, but here’s more proof that SOME nighttime crying won’t harm your baby — and actually may help the whole family by boosting mom’s mental health. A big shout-out to mom’s health advocate Katherine Stone for being on-record about this hot-button issue. She risks the backlash that I’ve experienced here, but she does it for the health and well-being of families and babies. Kudos to you, Katherine!
The bottom line is this: Neglect, hostility, and abuse DO hurt babies. Blowing off some steam to settle down for a better night’s sleep DOESN’T. Of course, individual personalities and circumstances make a difference: Pick up and comfort your baby if she’s sick, super-scared, or if she has an unusually sensitive temperament (or, if you have a crying/barfer, like one of my kiddos. Who wants to be up all night AND clean a barfy crib?) If you want to argue, argue with the respected journal that published the research today, Pediatrics.
Judging parents for their reasonable decisions about their own children is NOT good for families and babies. So hurray for more proof that this controversial parenting decision doesn’t deserve the attacks it often gets. Parents and children who get more sleep are happier AND healthier. That’s nothing to cry about.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Answering Little Ones’ Questions about Tragedies
12/14/2012 Unfortunate update: It’s time to talk about this again. My heart is broken, as is yours. Feel free to connect with me here or on Twitter to ask about how you can approach this in your family.
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The Colorado shooting has come and gone — and now the Connecticut school shootings, and we’re left trying to explain things to The Littles. One well-meaning mom criticized me on Twitter for even suggesting we talk to young children about violence. “Why even bring it up?” she wondered.
Her life is much more insular than many of ours — I have a 2 year old. But I also have a 6 year old. And a 9 year old. And an 11 year old. And those kids have completely different levels of awareness and understanding of these situations — and they talk. In front of The Littles. So parents like us need talking points for those tricky situations.
So here are my thoughts about how to navigate these unavoidable conversations. Let’s be ready, because unfortunately, it won’t be the last time.
I was also quoted in Newsweek/The Daily Beast about the issue. I hope I made the point that parents taking their young children to movie theaters aren’t the problem. Untreated mental illness and widespread availability of guns ARE.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Tantrums and Lies? My TV Tips!
“Is that your final answer?” Truth and lies in toddlers
Do your kiddos tell “little white lies”? Mine do. Find out how to handle this common problem, plus how to avoid toddler meltdowns. Thanks again, Jill Kuramoto, for having me on the show!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Kindergarten Readiness and More: KITV segment
Kindergarten Readiness and More
Thanks again to Jill, Mahealani, Moani and Yasmin for having me on again this morning. I took viewer questions live on discipline, kindergarten readiness and more!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Baby Steps Toward Literacy
Baby # 3 is now READING. Wow! How did we get here? My thoughts and suggestions.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Aloha, I’m Dr. Heather
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