Archive for March, 2008:
The BabyShrink Book Bag: Current Faves
Today I’m focusing on “expert” parenting authors, and tomorrow I’ll share my list of hilarious mom and dad authors. I’d go crazy if I tried to create a comprehensive list of great parenting books; these are my faves right now, and I will update periodically.
Don’t forget to list your top picks in the comments section below.
- BabyShrink reader Dylan recommended Dr. Anthony Wolf’s The Secret of Parenting, which immediately rose to the top of my recommended list. He’s got exact scripts for us to use with all sorts of annoying kid behavior, from whining, to lying, to “I’m Bored”, “You Promised”, and of course the always popular, “It’s Not Fair”. He sets limits in a way that takes the angst out of the process for parents, and keeps the focus on the positive — without punishment.
- Where’s this little gem been all my kids’ lives? Claire Lerner and Amy Laura Dombro write for Zero-To-Three, the national authority on early childhood, and this book hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves. Bringing Up Baby; Three Steps to Making Good Decisions in Your Child’s First Years is a quick read that gives us a way to make our own best decisions about our unique kids, without giving a “cookbook” list of advice. Their Three-Step Approach to Parenting helps us develop our own sense of what’s best for each kid (and each parent), in each situation. I especially appreciate their emphasis on discovering your kid’s temperament, (as well as your own), and how that impacts your parenting decisions.
- I’ve learned so much about the importance of sensory issues, and how they impact our kids’ mood and behavior, from my Occupational Therapist friends. One of my kids is a little sensitive to noises, and he reacts accordingly. Another needs a lot of running around and “heavy” physical play in order to get into a centered, receptive mood. These are all secrets learned from the pros who wrote Raising a Sensory Smart Child. It’s often recommended for kids who have a diagnosed sensory problem, but believe me, it’ll open your eyes about the importance of being “sensory smart” with every kid (and adult!). Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske have won awards and accolades for their work, and I highly recommend it. UPDATE: On a related and very exciting note, Lindsey Biel has agreed to a BabyShrink interview! So, more soon on this interesting sensory stuff!
- OK, this one’s not a book, but you’ve gotta see this series on DVD if you missed it on the Discovery Health channel. The Baby Human is the most fascinating documentary on the development of babies and toddlers that I’ve ever seen. It got all sorts of awards, because it explains the miraculously complex process of babies’ development with startlingly simple demonstrations and explanations. I’ve been a shrink for a long time, and there are some illustrations of the importance of pointing and speech development that are the best I’ve ever seen. There’s also fascinating footage of infant and toddler research in progress at major universities. Check it out to have a whole new appreciation of the changes your little ones experience every day! I especially like the episode: To Talk.
- And of course, I must recommend anything written by the gentle giant of the field, T. Berry Brazelton, MD. Why can’t all pediatricians have the sensitivity and appreciation for little minds that this great man has? He helps us see that back-tracking (or “regression”) is usually quite normal in development, that tantrums and other annoying toddler behavior is to be appreciated for the message of independence and competence that it sends, and explains why kids do actually want (and need) kind (but firm) limits, in a way that makes perfect sense. There’s so much to be learned from this man; if you haven’t heard of him, immediately get one of his books
What’s your list of favorite “expert” parenting books? Comment here and let us all know!
Will I Ever Pee Alone Again?
Dear BabyShrink,
My 4-year-old has a sincere fear of being alone. She’ll drop whatever she is doing to follow someone out of a room if she realizes she’s the last one in it. She is most definitely NOT SHY; she is extremely gregarious and lights up a room. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to be alone, she just says, “because no one’s there with me.” She’s never mentioned monsters or bad dreams. Is this something she’ll grow out of? I’d like to eventually go to the bathroom by myself, if you catch my drift!
Signed,
Kristen
Houston
Dear Kristen,
Sounds like you’ve got an extremely social little girl on your hands! I’ve got one of those, too. I can certainly understand how she feels — people are just more fun to be around! Especially when you can walk and talk and do all those other "big girl" things she can now do. But it is important to encourage her to play by herself now and then, and this will stretch into longer periods of time of "self-directed activity", which will be really important once she starts school.
You can try starting really small — while you’re together, and she is feeling good and really engaged in some kind of play, say something like, "Oops! I have to ….."(turn on the dishwasher, grab a glass of water, etc.). Then leave the room, for like TWO SECONDS. Then make a grand re-entrance…"See? Here I am. I just turned on the dishwasher, and now I’m back with you." Then re-engage in play with her. Slowly stretch out these mini-interludes so that she slowly but surely gets used to you being gone for bits at a time. When she makes a leap (and you’re finally able to go pee by yourself…what a concept!), make a big deal out of how GROWN UP she is for waiting nicely while Mommy pees, and how HELPFUL it is to Mommy that she can wait for a few minutes, and now….let’s play TOGETHER some more! So you’re using the time together as a reward for her being patient for a few minutes.
Try that, Kristen, and let us know how it works!
~~Heather, The BabyShrink
Baby Binky Battles
Dear BabyShrink,
My two-year-old will not cope without his pacifier. He keeps it in his mouth at all times. I am afraid it is delaying his speech as he has quite a few words, but most of the time tries to talk with the button in his face. I have always hated it when I see toddlers running around with plugs in their mouth, and (as Karma always works) I can’t get him to get over his. He won’t go to sleep without it, and if he realizes it’s missing for more than an hour or so, he starts crying and won’t stop until it’s found. This can be very tiring for my mom, who watches him during the day, because very often we don’t know where he lost it. Most of the time it’s found after 30 minutes of searching, buried in the bottom of his toy box, or mixed into the dirty laundry hamper. My question is this? Should he still be so dependent on this silly piece of rubber? If not, how can I get rid of it without him completely flipping out?
Tired of Searching, Las Vegas
Dear Tired,
Great question!
Yeah, I have one of those at home too. There are different schools of thought about this: we have a pediatrician who tells us to lose the Binky after 6 months, and a pediatric dentist who says "Hey, it’s better than a thumb! Don’t worry about it!" I’ve also heard that Binks can delay speech — but I’ve seen too many kids explain the whole storyline of a Super Why! episode with a Binky firmly in place, so I’m not convinced on that front.
Psychologically, there is something to the notion that a toddler is working very hard on independence, and Binkies and other comfort “loveys” are there to help support that independence. There is so much turmoil in a toddler’s life. Things are so out of their control, and a little self-soothing goes a long way. This won’t hurt him psychologically; rather, it tells him that Mom and Dad will support him in his efforts to cope and make himself feel better. He will move on, when he’s ready for the next step, developmentally (which will probably be the annoying preschooler’s habit of: Nose-picking! Betcha can’t wait for that one!)
On the other hand, many kids will be ready to give up the Bink, and won’t put up more than a couple of days of fight about it. It depends on how irritating it is to you, and also how willing you are to pick this particular battle, with this particular toddler, at this particular time.
So what’s a parent to do?
You have 2 choices:
If you’re really sick of it, go for it and decide to spend your precious parental effort, time and sanity on an "eliminate the Binky" plan. What worked for us with our oldest (when we still had the time and energy to fight this particular battle) was to, first, have a conversation about "now that you’re 2 years old, you’re big enough to not have the Binky except for in your crib." The Binky stays in the crib, now for sleep only. Expect protests, and try to have a substitute ready that might (reluctantly) be accepted (blanket, stuffed animal). Then phase out Binky over a week or so, explaining that "you’re big enough now without it, here’s your (blanket, animal) instead".
Stick with the program. Sympathize mightily with the feelings of hurt over the lost Bink, but make a huge deal out of, “Now that you’re such a big boy without a Binky, look at all the cool things you can do now! Only babies have a Binky.” Once it’s over, it’ll probably be over.
(Photo: Little did she know she’d eventually be subjected to the "eliminate the Binky" plan.)
OR:
Decide that "resistance is futile", for now, at least, and buy 15 or 20 more Binks to leave around the house, diaper bag, crib, car, etc etc, so that at least you’re not going crazy looking for them everywhere. That’s actually what we do with our youngest right now. But we are making a concerted effort to talk to him about, “The Binky is for the house. Binky does not go to the store. Say "bye" to Binky, we’ll see him when we get back to the car"; getting him ready for the day, closer to the age of 2 ½ or 3, when we phase out the Binkster altogether. I really do think that, after that age, there’s no reason the Bink should be kept around any longer.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
~~Heather, the BabyShrink
