Are you parenting after infertility? So is your BabyShrink!
March 21, 2008 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Infertility
Listen, gang. I know there are lots of us out there parenting after infertility. It’s a life-changing experience; going through the fear, uncertainty and crushing disappointment of diagnosis and failed treatments, and then the thrill, excitement, and relief of finally parenting that little one. I still get a cold shudder of PTSD when I think back to those days of praying for a baby, and being disappointed again and again.
Does it impact our experience as parents? Are we too lenient, because we were so desperate to have that baby? Are we too overprotective, because we know in a very real way what can happen to those hopes and dreams? Are we traumatized by what we have been through? If we could go through it all again, would we have done anything differently?
These are the questions that I have for all you lurkers out there who are parenting after infertility, and I hope you’ll comment here, or email me with your thoughts.
BabyShrink’s Story
(I know, I know, you want to know OUR story. OK. The short version: We waited until we were a bit older — and a lot less in debt — to start trying for a baby. It didn’t happen. The doctors didn’t know why. We had several “procedures”, disappointments, and ultimately success with our daughter in 2001. We were thrilled to get two surprise “freebies”; our sons, in 2003 and 2006. )
Let’s tawk. Give me some feedback, and I’ll write more about it!
~~Heather, The BabyShrink
Yes, I am parenting after infertility. It took alomst four years to conceive my daughter. We tried for 2.5 years before seeking medical intervention for infertility. I learned half way through my treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist, at age 32, that I had premature ovarian failure and probably wouldn’t be able to conceive even with IVF. I was devastated but continued with treatment and conceived my daughter on an IVF cycle that my RE was doing for the sake of “closure.”
I definitely think it influences my parenting. In more ways than I am probably aware. For me, there is certainly a sense that this is my one chance and I must make the most of every moment. I’m not certain if it makes me more lenient but it is something I have considered. I do feel that infertility influenced my decision to follow an attachment style of parenting. At this point, my tendency is not to push in areas like sleeping, thumb sucking or bottle weaning (to name a few). I’m certainly not as aggressive as some of my peers or family members have been in this area. Some days I’m not so sure about my approach (like when sleeping problems get worse) but most of the time I am comfortable with my choice.
What I realized early on was that because I was infertile it made it difficult for me to accept feeling frustrated or angry during the more difficult aspects of parenting — the chronic sleep deprivation, the baby who cries endlessly and won’t sleep, the cracked and bleeding nipples, etc. It was hard to feel this way but even harder to express it to others. I was afraid of looking ungrateful or like I had forgotten what came before. I didn’t want to be the woman who spent years crying for a baby, and when blessed with one, cried about how hard it all was. It’s still a very difficult position to be in. I wonder sometimes if it something that all mother’s experience or is it just us?
This is an interesting post. I’m looking forward to comments from others.
Me, too! We tried for about 3 years to get pregnant and finally had to go the fertility specialist route. After the highest dose of Clomid you can get and a relaxing trip to Disney World, we finally conceived, even after a blood test I had to take while on this lovely vacation, and the results said “No chance, you didn’t even ovulate this month!”.
My son was born in the Summer 2004 and were surprised with my daughter Summer 2006.
In the beginning,when it was just my son, like Lori as hard as it all was I was extremely grateful. I cherished every moment, and as time permits, still do. I did my best not to complain for fear of appearing ungrateful. I still feel that way today to some extent. I am still grateful, but overwhelmed. Parenting 2 is definitely much harder than 1. It doesn’t just double the work, it’s way more than that. I still carry alot of guilt for alot of things like: 1)should I have just let nature run it’s course and not sought any treatment?, 2)wanting a break from my kids, even though I love them to death and am so lucky to have 2 beautiful, completely healthy kids and 3)even after being so blessed, I work outside the home.
I definitely have a new attitude towards and true sympathy for those women trying to conceive. Overall, I think it has made me a better parent because I wanted it so badly and don’t want to screw up my chance. And, to be completely honest, I tend to judge other women who don’t have that appreciation because fertility was “just handed to them”. I felt so angry and jealous during my infertile days because of women like them.
Thanks for the question! It’s nice to be able to share these emotions with others that understand.
)
Oh baby! yup, we’re there too! Met dh when we were 26, got married 9mths later waited a year to ttc. After a year of nothing, tests galore and disappointment we were told we had the glorious diagnosis of… ‘unexplained infertility’ bummed out but stubborn we went through the clomid ‘experience’ to no avail then moved on the clomid and iuis. Nada. Finally we tried the last 2 cycles with inj and iui. #6 did the trick and our precious little girl was born in march of 2007. I don’t think I’m too lenient, maybe a tad overprotective but not so much. We are very blessed to have an extremely easy going child who doesn’t bat an eyelid when we change things on her! she didn’t have a problem with bottle to sippy cup, formula to milk, nothing! I DO know that as parents who battled with IF, our daughter is much more appreciated than most of my friends children!
I don’t have an experience with infertility, but I can tell you for certain that I’ve been much more lenient with my son because of his health problems. There is, no doubt, a lot of PTSD when I recall what his life (and ours) was like when he was an infant. We were all in this horrible, hellish place. He struggled so hard, just to live, that I found it really hard to punish him for a long, long time. Luckily, I caught myself and now treat him like his sister. Almost…
HI LORI,
Several things:
Isn’t it interesting how many of us have had unexpected twists and turns in our fertility jouneys? I’m reminded of the old Jewish saying, “Man plans, and God laughs.” There’s a lesson in there somewhere.
And:
It certainly seems to be a theme, for those of us who have struggled to have children, to feel that we can’t, or shouldn’t, complain. But it is important to “vent” the understandable pressures of parenting, and in a way, convey to our children that they are wonderful gifts…but not to treat them with ‘kid gloves’. “GOOD ENOUGH” parenting is truly good enough. What do others think?
And Lori–thanks for posting your story!
MELISSA:
But the relief and appreciation we now feel are also different.
See? More fertility surprises. Amazing, huh?
Yes, I too wonder about the same things you do. “Should we have waited longer? Should we have started sooner? Did we make the right choices?” But ultimately…here we are.
Going through the fertility treatment process is so traumatizing for so many reasons, no matter how fabulous your doctor/clinic is. It’s like a trial by fire, and once you’ve been through it, you’re forever part of this club, and you never forget. It’s a club we never wanted to belong to, but again…here we are. The feelings of anger, envy, jealousy, resentment, and desperation go along with the whole process. It ain’t pretty!
Thanks for the comment! I’m looking forward to more on this!
MARIE-ANN:
And I will forever be grateful to the Boards on INCIID and others where I LIVED in those days.
Great story. And you make my point about the “infertility club”/trial-by-fire thing: we even have our own infertility insiders “lingo”. Others who conceived the “fast, free and fun” way will not understand your use of the infertility abbreviations and such, but I do. It’s actually interesting, I think, to know how and why that all developed: in one community at any given time, few people are actively struggling with infertility, and there’s a shameful feeling about it, so many of us kept quiet in our desperation, at the time. But we reached out the best way we could, privately, and that was through Internet Infertility bulletin boards, to connect with and gain support from others just like us, from all around the world. In that process, we developed and learned the “insiders lingo” and abbreviations that you see used here today in these comments. I can spot you all from a mile away!
If any of you know someone struggling with infertility, please send them to INCIID.org for tons of support and information. What other sites do you readers recommend?
MOMO FALI:
I’m so glad you mentioned that. The trauma of infertility feels like a unique experience, but really, trauma is trauma. Our life experiences affect the way we think, feel and live, and the decisions we make as parents. I think the best we can do is to try to be aware of our attitudes and tendencies as we struggle to make decisions on a concious basis, day by day. And again, “good enough” is GOOD ENOUGH!
(wow, I’m really starting to sound like a shrink now. sorry!)
I am parenting after infertility and adoption. Husband and I started ttc shortly after we married in 93. After trying everything short of IVF, we moved on to adoption. We started the process in 2000, and after 4 failed adoptions, we finally brought our son home in Jan of 03. In Jan of 04, I made an appointment for a yearly pap, and surprise, surprise, I was already 4 months pregnant. My daughter was born June of 04.
I do believe I am much more protective of both my kids. I don’t like to have them out of my sight. I stand guard at the window if they go play at a neighbors house, just to make sure. I have a feeling this might be because I am an older Mom, and I stay home with them. I am trying to let go, but the apron strings are mighty strong!
MICHELLE:
Great story! I wonder how frequent are these “surprise” babies?? I would love to know more real data about that.
Thanks for commenting and hanging out with us at BabyShrink!
I am just beginning my journey through parenting after infertility. My son is 4 months old so I can’t really answer some of your questions but I can say that at this point I wouldn’t do anything differently about the treatment process I experienced. As far as parenting, I am sure there will be many things… but I’m still getting my feet wet on that one.
It was two years ago this month that I was recovering from a miscarriage after being told I couldn’t have children of my own. We had tried artificial insemination with injectable drugs twice and nothing happened. I was what they call a “poor responder,” and consequently not a candidate for fertility treatments. In layman’s terms, I was told I was approaching menopause at 37 years old and didn’t have any “viable eggs” left as evidenced by my “poor response” to treatment.
But here I was having a miscarriage…a miscarriage from an untreated cycle. We had false-started this unbaby on our own. I was told that this miscarriage was further proof that my eggs were of poor quality and could not produce a child that could be carried to term. At worst, this type of miscarriage would happen to me over and over again.
I just didn’t want to hear it I guess, because I simply changed doctors hoping my eggs would get a better review. And the new doctor was interested in giving in-vitro a go. “Every woman deserves the opportunity to try with her own eggs,” he said. So try we did. After 6 days of ovary overpower, only a few very unimpressive eggs were dimly lit. The in-vitro was canceled, and my dream had become my nightmare.
But, being one not to give up easily, I promptly pulled myself out of the mire and on to the donor egg list. Now we were finally going to get somewhere. I had been brave, admitted defeat, and accepted that my children would be mapped by another’s code. But it still stung. And I just tried not to think about it while I waited to be matched with my donor.
Well, about 2 months later, I turned up pregnant. Again. So in spite of the previous bad-egg-pregnancy, I pranced into the fertility clinic positive pregnancy stick held high. And this time it was true. I was indeed pregnant. Naturally. With twins. So 9 months later, I miraculously had a baby boy and baby girl. Delivered at full term, both were healthy and weighing almost seven pounds each. They are now one year old and coming into their toddlerhood with reckless abandon. My little “inviable eggs” throw food, roll in poo, poke my eyes, and pull my hair every day.
In the end, I know that I’m a very, very lucky mommy. And I know how precious these gifts really are. So bring on the screaming, even if it is at 3am.
And 5am.
WOWWEEEEEE MereCat!!
I’ll bet I am not the only one with goosebumps right now, reading your story. Isn’t it amazing how many “surprise” baby stories we are accumulating here? It seems that one of the themes we are hearing here at BabyShrink is that our plans often do not play out as we expect….but life (and parenting) goes on, often in better ways than we imagined. Staying “loose”, flexible, ready to change the game plan at a moment’s notice…that’s the way to stay centered, ironically. THANKS FOR SHARING your amazing story. Look forward to seeing more from you!
I was just thinking about this yesterday when I was driving home – and watching an oblivious mother walking down a busy central street in an affluent town with her two children (boys about 3 years and 5 years) tagging along behind. She wasn’t paying any attention to them at all – until she realized the younger walked into the street at the major light intersection (lucky for her, her son at least walked in front of the side that had the red light!).
I am very, very overprotective because of my IF (18 months TTC my DS – conceived after 50 mg Clomid/IUI) and recurrent PG loss (finally conceived my second son, expected in June 2008, naturally after 1 natural m/c, 1 failed Clomid cycle, and 2 additional m/c’s on 2 additional Clomid/canceled IUI cycles) experiences. My DS must ALWAYS hold my hand when walking down the street or in a store/mall – if he won’t cooperate, we go home. I call my mom and MIL, who split the week watching him while I am at work, to check up on him daily. I won’t allow him over certain friends houses who I know do not watch the kids if you are not there…
Maybe I will send him into counseling someday over it… But, it took me too long to get PG with him. And, now that I am finally expecting our second son after 3 m/c’s, I am sure I will be the same way with this son.
I take my role as a parent very, very seriously, since I was blessed with the children I was finally able to conceive and carry. I never take them for granted…and try to make sure they are raised learning compassion, responsibility and respect.
Well I’m a very new parent after infertility. My husband has a very low sperm count, and I have PCOS. After nearly 2.5 years, 2 IUI’s, and plans for 3 more IUI’s and then IVF. We got pregnant naturally. No one was more shocked than us. We were told we would never get pregnant without IVF. Our new RE was letting us try IUI’s before moving on to IVF.
Anyway.
Our beautiful daughter is 5 weeks old. And I AM different than I thought I would be. I’m very over-protective. And I thought the attachment parenting wasn’t for me. Turns out it is.. the only thing we don’t do is breastfeed (personal preference). I want her in our room as long as possible. We hold her all the time. Etc.
As far as the over-protectiveness. I hate it when other people hold her too long. I don’t want strangers near her or breathing on her. I’m paranoid about something hurting her and such.
I never thought I would be the way I am, but what can ya do? DH and I are very grateful that we have this gift. So I have a feeling we will be more lenient than we would have been.. had we gotten pregnant easily. But kids are only kids for a little while. As long as we don’t spoil her rotten.. I see no harm in a little bit of leniency (sp?). We want to enjoy her as much as we can.
TINA:
I was reading your history on your blog, and you sure have been through it. It changes us forever.
Of course there are parents who conceived the “easy” way who are ALSO very protective of their kids; but I would bet that more of us who suffered IF err on the overprotective side.
Thank you for posting this. I’m glad you’re here!
SAMANTHA:
So glad you’re here!
Those first weeks of being a new mom were like being in a dark cave, for me. I was really so stunned by the whole experience; IF, pregnancy, then childbirth and this miracle baby….and then the pure stress of sleeplessness and the steep learning curve of being a new parent….the worry over every little thing, the fears about baby’s safety and health…my DH said then that becoming a parent meant that “we will forever wear our hearts outside our bodies, now”. It’s such a vulnerable feeling…to be so exposed, to care so much, to be so tired…overwhelming.
I think most new parents, IF or not, feel some degree of this. But it seems that the whole IF experience heightens it all, for many of us.
This is turning out to be a great gathering of amazing stories!
We tried for 8.5 years and got pregnant on our first treatment, which was also our first IVF (had to move countries in order to get treatment, yadda). As I type, my almost-4-weeks-old! son is asleep on my left arm.
So far, there are two worst parts has been the adjustment. Not to having the baby, but to suddenly being part of the ‘normal’ world. It’s very strange, and not a little uncomfortable. To be honest, I’d rather talk about baby stuff with my IF friends, who understandably, don’t want to hear jack. But I still feel part of the IF blogosphere, I don’t know anyone here with babies/small children, and I don’t know how to connect with other women with babies/small children.
The depression has been harder to deal with, because I don’t know if it’s the baby blues (IF leading to a hig h risk pregnancy leading to an emergency c-section I hadn’t planned on and now, no breastfeeding due to latch issues, plus long term depression in and of itself) or post-partum issues. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.
Then there’s the anxiety over my son’s health, because I a) have no baby experience and b) don’t know what I’m doing. I am one of those parents who calls the doctor at every odd thing. I’m hoping to grow out of this as he gets older, but surely I’m not the only one to whisper to her baby, Please don’t die. right?
Just sayin’.
ORODEMNIADES:
You bring up a great point. One of the hard things about transitioning to being a new mom after IF is the unexpected loss — of the IF support world. We make such close, intense friendships with those we meet on the IF boards and when we too (wonderfully) graduate…we leave behind many of those friends. Others simply walk away from us (or we from them) as the pain of being associated with IF is too great to bear…and in truth, we want to forget about it (at least sometimes), after our precious miracles begin to preoccupy our every waking minute.
But it is a lonely transition. I remember feeling hurt when my “regular” OB treated me like “just another pregnant patient”. I was used to the red-carpet treatment at the fertility clinic…and a part of me, strangely, missed that. I eventually realized that it’s much better to be the “regular” patient about whom the doctor is not worried, but it did take awhile for that to sink in.
And HELL YEAH, it’s scary being a new mom. With all 3 kids, I lost so much sleep just tiptoeing in to make sure they were still breathing. And I know I’m not the only one!!! I think over time you start to get used to being so vulnerable and exposed (and worried). It’s as if…now we REALLY have something valuable to lose in life. What if?….What if??? I have gained much by learning about meditation and yoga, even though by nature I’m a little geeky. IT HAS HELPED. Helps me sleep better, and not freak out so much with worry over the kids. Also, I have had my own talk-therapy, which has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I will post more about that soon, too.
Now about your possible PPD: it really doesn’t matter WHY you feel the way you do; is it because of the IF? etc. What matters is that you get checked out to see if you need help. For low-cost options, check out your local university clinics or non-profits. Ask the nurses at your OB/GYN and also the pediatrician’s office (often, the nurses are more sensitive to this than the doctors, and may be more familiar with the resources around town.)
There are also some great “Parenting After IF” boards and sites out there. I am accumulating some resources to post soon, but for now check out this terrific group of blogs and sites on Stirrup Queen’s sit…scroll down the list until you get to “Parenting After Infertility”. There’s a lot there. (I’m posting the link in this comment).
Thanks again for your comment, and let me know if you need any other suggestions!
We were never successful TTC, and have a child through surrogacy. I do think that our infertility experiences completely change how we parent, or at least how I look at our child. I’m not more lenient, but I rarely complain about his behavior or antics to anyone unless it’s something funny. I remember people looking at me like I was crazy because for the first two years of our son’s life every time someone asked how he was, I’d simply say, “He’s perfect.” Because I didn’t give birth, I realize I didn’t have to struggle with any of the physical and hormonal changes and difficulties new moms go through, and that first year of our son’s life, especially, I was in heaven. Every time I see him, hear his sweet voice, or smell strawberries on his breath, I’m so, so, so grateful, and I’m so honored to be his mom. It’s hard for me to hear pregnant women and new moms complain about the difficulties. I know it’s cruel, but I just think…enough already. Do you have any idea how fortunate you are to have been able to bring life into this world. Take a deep breath and enjoy it. I know their struggles are real, I just think so many people forget how amazing it is.
TRICIA:
Your perpective is really helpful. It is easy to take what we have for granted. Although I would venture a guess that you tend to handle big transitions well, in general…since many other new moms via surrogacy DO have significant adjustment difficulties to being a mom.
I foudn this site through the infamous Dad Gone Mad, and I am so excited. Danny taking a blogger’s vacation has been wonderful. This particular post caught my eye and my heart. We had absolutely no trouble with ttc. In fact, we got prego twice on birth control. Devastatingly, we lost both babies. I knew deep down there was a problem, so we scheduled an apointment with our doctor to see what was going wrong. At that visit, they confimed that I was pregnant for the third time. We lost that baby as well. With growing conern, we tried again. They tested everything very consistantly and nothing was showing up. Into my second trimester we went for a routine ultrasound and found that our son’s heart had stopped. I miscarried at home and had to take him in to a genetic specialist to be tested. Meanwhile, they said keep trying. We wouldn’t be able to have children biologically. Before getting those results we had concieved again and inevitably lost that baby as well. Five in all. We turned to adoption with open arms. We now have a beautiful girl who turns 18 months this week. I don’t think I parent any differently than I would have if our first baby survived. Even after all of our struggles and heartbreak, I think our parenting is exactly what we wanted it to be all these years. Our path hasn’t paved the way for compromises. I will say though, I am incredibly more patient with the food throwing, the screaming, the pooping in the bath, and the whining. I realize that I could easily have done without all of that , but I willingly and very intentionally sought them out. It’s all part of the joy of parenting. I am so thankful to be part of something so wonderful.