This Toddler is Driving Me Nuts!
March 13, 2008 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Annoying Toddler Behaviors
Dear BabyShrink,
I am going to make my question quick cause I am eight months pregnant and exhausted. I have a 2.5 year old son who is currently at home with me. He will be returning to "school" in July, which is a nice daycare that does a good job.
I am looking for a book to read to help me communicate effectively with my son. I want to do a better job than my parents, who did almost no job. I read Dr. Harvey Karp’s book on babies, The Happiest Baby on the Block, and it helped me survive a very happy babyhood with my son, and now hopefully my daughter too. But now that my son is 2.5, I feel like I am not doing a good job. I read a book my sister gave me, the name escapes me now, that said to give lots of choices blah blah blah. And I do that and it works.
But what do I do when he just won’t do what I ask of him? I do the whole "you need to follow directions", and sometimes he just ignores me. Recently he has started clicking his tongue at me or squeezing his eyes closed instead of listening to me. Now I feel like I am whining about a great kid cause most of the time he is really good, but I still feel like I am not saying the right things to him. So, are there any books that you suggest that can help me communicate with him better?
Thanks,
Ashley
Hi Ashley,
You’ve got your hands full, my friend! Managing a new baby and a toddler was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Pace yourself, get as much help as possible, and keep up the good work. It sounds as though you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and good mommy’s intuition. Keep following that, above everything any of us "experts" have to say.
That said, I can recommend some techniques and books for you.
I like anything by T. Berry Brazelton, MD. He has great empathy for the stormy, torrid, intense world in which our toddlers live. You’ve got to try to inhabit that mental place from time to time in order to "get" your toddler. Use his words, and reflect the intensity of his feelings, when you talk to him. Speak in short, simple "sound bites". Remember: the intensity of this moment can literally evaporate in a second for a toddler.
I also love Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriend’s Guide to Toddlers. She talks all about the weird, wacky ways of toddlers, and how you can try to manage it all without throwing your own tantrum (which by the way is unavoidable at times! Toddlers have a way of really pushing our buttons!) You can try to stay vigilant and unemotional about it, but sometimes we ALL need a time out.
Toddlers are really in a mini-adolescence. They are struggling mightily with how to act. Whom to be like. "How can I get some power around this place, anyway?" And otherwise asserting themselves in really important, developmentally appropriate ways. When I evaluate toddlers, the ones who worry me the most are those who are quiet, passive little things who don’t cause a minute of struggle for anyone. Those children are either delayed in some form or really repressing themselves, which will cause BIG TROUBLE later on. You don’t want to stamp out a toddler’s powerful, striving little spirit — but you don’t want to give them the upper hand, either. That’s even more destructive down the road.
Now, what to do when your little man flatly refuses to do what he needs to do? First, make a choice: is this particular issue really worth the power struggle it will create with him? If not, let it go. But sometimes it will be absolutely YES, like staying away from the street or other safety issues, and the things that make you nuts. For me, it’s screaming in the house.
In those cases, remember, YOU’RE THE BOSS. I am amazed at how often we as parents forget that simple fact. I was engaged in a power struggle with our then two-year-old daughter once, when my husband reminded me: "Just look at the size of her! She’s a little shrimp! How can you let her get to you like that?" Getting that perspective back is crucial. Don’t hesitate to pick your resistant toddler up like a football and put him in that car seat, move him away from the street, or place him in that stroller, if need be. And don’t hesitate to use a short (one minute for each year of age) time-out for major defiant displays. And tell him how you feel in terms he can understand, using a "listen to me, I’m serious" tone of voice. "I don’t like that. No hitting."
Good luck with the little guy and the new baby. And get some sleep, while you can! (AS IF, right?!)
Aloha,
Heather, The BabyShrink
I love the Touchpoints (I think that is the title) series by Brazelton! He points out that as children get ready to ratchet up on the developmental scale, they often seem to regress for a while in their behaviors. We found this to be REALLY true! Ashley, you are in about the same situation as I was when my younger son was born. My older son was 2.5 and decided to give up napping in the middle of my pregnancy–when I needed it most!! I think he sensed that things were going to change in his world, and all the while he is changing inside it. How confusing must that have been. I have no good advice other than if you are doubting yourself, I know you are a good mommy!! The bad ones don’t give it a second thought. So hang in there, make sure you get some one-to-one time with your son both before and after the birth, and also make sure he gets good out of the house time with daddy. That helped me A LOT!
Babyshrink is so right on here. There are many commonalities between 2 year olds and 15 year olds and 17year olds(my younger son). My boys are 2 years 4 months apart and the oldest pretty much ignored the younger one until the younger began to roll and crawl. Keeping a smidge of a sense of humor really helped me! Good luck!!
The pick your battles thing is really important. If you get nuts about every little thing, you’ll make yourself and the little guy crazy. Some things just aren’t worth fighting over. But on the other hand, some things are absolutely non-negotiable. On those things, consistency is important. If you threaten a particular punishment (or reward), back it up and follow through. If you don’t, he’ll learn that you’re not always going to make him do what he knows he should do. That’s also why there are only a few things you should really set in stone. For us, safety related situations were always non-negotiable, and behavior in public was also non-negotiable. Other things can be negotiable. At the age of 2 1/2, just give 2-3 choices in those situations- any more and you’re asking for a meltdown. Setting these expectations now is important, since it will help you down the road when the kids are older.
And last but not least, stop being so hard on yourself. No one is expecting you to be perfect, and everyone knows a 2 1/2 year old won’t be perfect either. Just because he’s having a bad hair day, that is not a reflection on you or your mothering skills. It’s just being the parent of a toddler. Just take a deep breath, remember that he’s 2 1/2, and humor in these situations goes a long way.
DONNA:
Thanks for your comment! I like what you say about doubting yourself…it’s a sign that you’re evaluating yourself and adapting and changing over time. As long as that isn’t taken too far! Because I worry about Moms who are too hard on themselves too. I know they’re out there somewhere, reading this, and I want them to take it easy….remember what Donna says.
Brazelton’s Touchpoints is a lovely introduction to the psychological isses in development, and I LOVE HIM. Highly recommended!
JANICE NW:
You’ll have to help us out when I get questions about the “real” adolescents! Thanks!
MAMABIGDOG:
Thanks. I agree about the humor. Sometimes a toddler gets so ridiculous, you can’t do anything but laugh at the situation. I must say, it’s a little hostile to laugh at a screaming, out-of-control toddler: but it sure blows off some steam! And makes it less likely to over-react, as a parent! I have to remind myself with my 2-year-old that he is living in a totally different world, psychologically, and while it’s fun for me to visit his world, I don’t have to live there! (What a relief!) Just tonight, I had mine dump about a gallon of water out of the bathtub, on me (of course), and on purpose (natch). He had this look in his eye like….well, we’ve all seen THAT look before. The breath that I took after that was LOOONG AND SLOOOW. I was so mad…but then 2 seconds later I was drying him off and he was so cute and snuggly and sweet…well, I did have him help me mop up the mess. But he did, very dutifully, and then we were on to the next thing.
They always keep ya guessing!
I found “The Secret of Parenting” by Anthony Wolf to be extremely helpful. We were on a trip while I was only about a third of the way through and Rachel was well on her way to waking her mother and I applied some of the ideas I’d read. It took less than 90 seconds for her to stop!
DYLAN,
Thanks for the great book tip. I just “1-Clicked” it from amazon. I’m always looking for good, readable parenting books to read, recommend, and use myself!!
Does anyone else have any good (and preferably funny!) parenting books to recommend? Let us know about them!