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‘Truth’ or Consequences, Preschool Style
Dear BabyShrink,
I have a 3.5 yo son. He has been fibbing about his conduct at daycare. I am proud that he’s smart enough to realize that if he doesn’t behave himself at school, there are consequences for his behavior at home, but he’s using it against us in the form of fibbing. What can I do to make him understand that this is wrong? When we find out that he has told us a lie, we sit down and discuss the behavior and he faces the consequences of not being able to do something he likes, even if it’s a day after the infraction. I don’t know what to believe. Am I going about this all wrong?
Thanks,
Melissa from Texas
Hi Melissa,
I know it’s rough with this age…but please know, at 3, or even 4 or 5, your little guy still doesn’t REALLY know the difference between "truth" and "a lie". He’s just not cognitively capable of understanding it. He’s not 100% sure about the difference between dreams, TV shows, his own imagination, and "reality". That’s why imaginary friends and the Easter Bunny get such good play with the preschool crowd. So asking him about "the truth" is kind of like speaking a foreign language.
I asked my just-turned-five-year-old if the Backyardigans are real. He said "yes".
"But are they made up? Like a story?"
"Yeah, a cartoon."
"So are they a lie?"
"Ummm…. I don’t know!" he said.
Your son may PRETEND he understands, because he sees it’s important to you, but don’t be fooled. Kids this age have not yet come to the stage of Concrete Operations, when they will start to understand logic, what is the objective truth, and what is false or imaginary.
What you have to do is make your decisions based on what YOU know to be the real story of his behavior, not what he "admits" to. If he protests that "it’s not true", you can say, "Well, I know you WISH it wasn’t true, but it was, so here’s the consequence." Or one I used tonight, when my kid said she already washed her hands, but I knew she hadn’t.
"I know you want to be done washing your hands, but I didn’t see the scrubbing. Let’s try it again, please." Don’t make him feel like a "liar" or a criminal for telling stories, but let him know that YOU as his parent DO know the truth and will work on helping him understand what that means.
The most important issue here is to help your son think through those tough situations at school, to help him make better decisions next time. Ask him about what happened, in a curious way, without getting upset. "You got mad at the other kid and ripped his paper? How come? What happened next? Maybe next time, try and ask him to stop touching your paper, so you won’t feel like you have to rip his picture."
Punishing him the day after the infraction is not likely to work, and more likely to cause a power struggle to erupt. He won’t connect the punishment with the action that long after the fact. You’re better off letting his teacher give the immediate consequence, if it’s necessary, and then talking it over later with him.
I realize some of you readers may have different ways of handling "lies" with preschoolers. What do you think?
~~Heather, The BabyShrink
I “think” that you are so smart! Completely right on to say “let him know that YOU as his parent DO know the truth and will work on helping him understand what that means.”
MOMO FALI:
BTW, I think I’d like an elephant….no, wait, a giraffe….no wait, an elephant…cute post on your site! Everyone go look! (see my blogroll for the link)
We focused on the principal that telling a lie is the worst thing the kids could do. Our kids were raised that if they did something wrong and admitted to it straight out, the punishment would be less than if they lied in the process. At this age, the lie is usually worse than the act that got them in trouble in the first place. For us, it sets up future behavior to promote truth-telling. Of course, our kids still don’t always tell the truth, but they know if they’re caught in a lie, the punishment is far heavier than if they’d told the truth from the get-go. I like to think I have a pretty decent BS detector, but I’m sure they slip a few by me now and then, especially since they’re teenagers, and I think “lying to parents” is probably #3 on the job description, right behind “talk on cell phone constantly” and “avoid household chores at all costs”.
I guess I’d start talking about what a lie is, and why it’s wrong to lie when they start doing it. I realize it’s hard for them at this age but when they’re lying about their own behavior rather than whether they think something on TV is real, there’s a different standard at play. Believe me, they’re smarter than you think.
MAMABIGDOG:
But at the same time, don’t you think it’s important to make the point that they CAN come to you to “confess”, and to talk out their dilemmas and problems, so that they can learn how to work things through better? At age 3, I’d really rather emphasize the “working out your problems at school” part that Melissa struggles with, as opposed to the “you get punished for lying” part, especially since the concept is really not totally clear to them at such a young age. Sure, as they get closer to 6 and 7, it’s a whole different ball game; different rules apply. But at this age I want to err on the side of supporting their problem-solving process, and not get them afraid of the possible punishment, if they accidentally (or otherwise) fibbed. Especially since a 3-year-old fib is usually so easy to spot!
I swear not a half hour ago my son told me he’d washed his hands but they were dry, and I told him that wasn’t the truth, it was a lie, and then I didn’t know where to go from there. I like the idea of letting him know I expect him to tell the truth, but not going to the punishment phase at this age. And of course making sure he goes back and washes his hands so that he doesn’t profit from the lie!
HI CHERISE:
Yeah, I know they try to push it. It’s hard not to “throw the book at them” when they fib, but it’s really not the same thing as an older kid doing it. We have to help them figure out what’s right and wrong, letting them know that WE know, and that they will grow into understanding the real difference. I said to my kid (again today), “I know you don’t really WANT to take the time to scrub your hands, but you have to get the germs off before we eat. Let me come help you do it this time.” Little kids still need the external “super ego” that we, as parents, provide at this age.
—Interesting stuff, huh? I love getting into this discussion! Thanks again!