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…And Potty Training?…AS IF!!!
Dear BabyShrink,
What is your take on potty training? Just GO FOR IT, or let the child initiate it
all? I have heard (or read) everything
from "start at 3 months old," to "you can do it in ONE (or
three) day(s)," to "they’ll get it when they are developmentally
ready." We are in the midst of
training now, but I feel like we’re just limping along. I want it to be DONE, but I don’t have time
to spend 3 days in the bathroom with her (like some books suggest) or plan an
entire party around the event (yes, a real suggestion for a "one day"
solution). I guess we’re doing okay, but
it’s just a PAIN IN THE ARSE!
Katie Kat Lawrence KS
(Katie Kat and Little B, back when life was less complicated….)
Hi Katie Kat,
guilt, stress and competitiveness. We think, “My kid is SUPPOSED to be fully
trained by now….My Mom says I was potty trained at 18 months….He’s gotta be out
of Pull-Ups before he starts preschool…The kid down the street has been trained
for over 6 months now!”
But first, let me ask you this: What is the definition of “potty
trained”, anyway?
For some, it means wearing underwear…except for away from
home, pooping, and at night. For others, it means wearing a diaper, but
(usually) peeing on request in the baby potty. And for still others, it means
different things, on different days! Even most preschools, despite their
protestations to the contrary, will actually work with your toddler on this
one. So once we realize that there is a whole continuum of potty training (what
some call “toilet learning”), we can relax a bit.
parents put pressure on you to get your kid trained yesterday…but the world is
really a different place, now. I mean, if THEY had super-duper-absorbent
diapers in the super-duper sizes we have now at CostCo, they wouldn’t have been
in such a rush either, would they? And let’s face it, there’s nothing grosser
than trying to help a tiny tushie balance on a disgusting gas station toilet…isn’t
it easier sometimes to just change a diaper?
recipe for disaster. Remember the “anal stage” from your Intro Psych class?
Freud was getting at the fact that toddlers are fighting mightily to gain
control over their own bodies. When we interfere too much, we start a struggle
over power and control that we truly don’t want to win.
All kids are different. I would suggest trying out one
technique at a time, based on how the technique appeals to YOU and your
schedule. TALK ABOUT IT with your toddler, using encouraging, simple language (and
model it at home too! Dontcha love that?). Read humorous books together, like
our current favorite, “Everybody Poops”. But regardless of technique, attitude
is the most important thing. Don’t fall into the trap of
expectations/pressure/disappointment. Understand that accidents WILL happen,
maybe even for months (or years: sorry!) after the initial potty training is
"done". Don’t punish or scold for mistakes, and don’t press for
progress when there’s a lull. Know that
potty training often does progress in phases: dry at HOME, in the DAYTIME first….but diapers outside and at night.
Then dry at night, (or not!) and so on. Some are lucky and it all happens fairly quickly….but for most, not so
much! 
Good luck and aloha!
~~Dr. Heather, The BabyShrink
Hi, I love coming into this site . . . very down to earth suggestions and ideas, unlike many sites I’ve been to.
I’m in the process of potty training my nearly 3 year old boy. We’ve been at it for 3 months or so and he is down to peeing in the toilet on a regular basis but has yet to poop anywhere but his diaper (which he wears only to bed) . . . obviously he “gets it”, and holds it rather well. But I’ve had to catch myself several times, in the midst of cleaning up another poopy diaper first thing in the morning, to not allow the frustration to overflow into the words and actions towards Tobias. I agree that just having patience and realizing each child is unique in their learning abilities and styles is crucial . . . that it is learned just as walking and talking were (and are still being) learned. I found your words encouraging!
Thank you for your insight and taking the time for this venture!
Sincerely,
Stacy
ps, the competitive thing, thanks for touching down on that . . . I have found I do that, hopefully, not in a damaging way . . . but still its good to be aware that everything does not happen the same way for each child.
Ha Ha… the grandparent issue. My mom was so insistent that my youngest get potty trained, every time she was at grandma’s house, it was more like being potty trained at gun point. My mom and my youngest would have these epic battles in the bathroom- mom yelling at the top of her lungs, my baby girl stubbornly refusing to go. Then, as soon as grandma let her off the potty, my baby girl would sit at the dinner table a turn purple pooping her pants. I was at work during these sessions, so I couldn’t intervene until the damage was done. She remained resistant for a long time- I thought I’d be sending her to college in diapers, it took so long. I believe my youngest still has bathroom issues- at 14 YO- that stem from this.
My oldest just did it- three days flat. We told her what we wanted, showed her how to use the potty, etc. She just worked it out herself. I wish I could recall how old the kids were, but I can’t. I know it was close to 3 YO for each. Probably younger for the baby- my mom is a very impatient woman.
Best of luck to you. I really mean that.
We use those super-absorbent Costco diapers as rain gutters.
DAD GONE MAD:
Well, YOU are lucky enough to be PAST the potty-training stage, so don’t brag!! (They work well for buffing the car, too.)
My almost 2 year old pee’d in the potty tonight while I was running her bath..and I know it was just the sound of the water running that triggered it, but I was happy anyway
MAMABIGDOG:
“Potty Training At Gunpoint”….sounds like it could be a bestseller!
STACY:
I am so glad BabyShrink is helpful to you! I was looking for the same kind of advice back when I first had my kids, and couldn’t find anything like it…so here it is.
My hubby actually has a funny story to tell about our middle kid potty training; we may get a post from “BabyShrink’s husband” one day on that!
KAT:
it’s so funny…she might now start using the potty correctly immediately…or she might continue to struggle with it for years. You just never know! And no matter how it goes….it all works out. (Much better, if we stay out of the way!)
Right now we are in the middle of potty training my 3 year old is staying dry during the day and now we are working on the nights. We have been working on this for 2 months it was a battle of wills when it first started my daughter did not want anything to do with the potty and would hold it for hours or even all day until i put her diaper on for nap time or bed time. Then we put the potty in front of the tv(i know this sound horrible) and she sat there for an hour then she would finally pee we did not force her to sit we just had the potty there. after about 2 weeks she finally decided she like going in the potty some what, then she broke her arm and i was sure that potty training was over for awhile but she continued to us the potty we had to be a little more careful but now the cast is off and she is doing amazing. The only thing i am worried about is going out in public she does not like to sit on the potty with out her little seat. Good Luck and don’t worry your little one will figure it out when she is ready and not when grandma or great grandma is ready i have my issue with both so don’t feel bad.
APRIL:
Now you see why I posted the TV question and the Potty question one right after the other! They’re related, somehow, huh?
We have a little potty in front of the tube in our house, too!
Great timing on this post! My 18mo goes to an in-home daycare two days a week and her best friend (2yo) there is now potty training. Last week after watching me (yeah - lovin it!)she said, “me potty”. I thought it was so cute, so I took off her diaper and put her on the toilet and lo and behold she peed. My husband went right out and bought the Elmo potty chair! Since then whenever we are at home she is obsessed with using the potty. At least every 20 minutes - sometimes more! Most of the time she just pees a few drops or not at all - sometimes a lot and then her requests to “poopy” 1 in 4. She still goes in her diaper about half the time. This morning I saw her squat and said “come poopy on your potty” but she firmly said “no” and went in her diaper. I could care less about her being potty trained right now - it seems very early at 18 months. But I worry that I will make it harder later with it being inconsistant - still going in the diaper - or telling her no when she just went 5 minutes before! Any suggestions?
When our son was learning to use the potty, we promised to call the Wiggles to celebrate his success. We called our good friend, Heather’s hubby, and told him to be all the Wiggles including Captain Feathersword and Dorothy. It was very exciting.
I think the most important thing is take cues from your child that he/she is interested and ready.
LORIE:
Sounds like she is having fun “playing” with the idea of using the potty, which is great! Really, all you can do is let her soak in the idea that eventually, she will go in the potty all the time, “just like mommy and the other big girls”. The inconsistency will work itself out over time. Let her be in control and see that it is SHE who will make the choices, and eventually she will get it right.
Some kids DO learn easily and naturally at 18 months. Our oldest pooped in the potty every day from the time she was 19 months….but still needed a diaper to pee until she was almost 3 (and needed one at night for longer still). So there are all kinds of normal, here. Just follow her lead, and it will be fine!
HOT WIFE:
Hubby fondly recalls those days and frequently re-enacts his performance for our entertainment. Too bad all the Wiggles voices he comes up with sound vaguely Scottish/Jamaican/Chinese, and not Australian at all!
I am a single mom with 13 year old twin daughters. I remember feeling exhausted whilst they were still newbies. And changing nappies was always a double job.
But some how they were out of nappies by 2. They would pull off their nappies - they hated wearing any clothes.
I would just make sure they had a potty with them where ever they went. I never put pressure on them. Infact it amazed me how uninhibited kids are. I mean would you just go to the toilet infront of starngers and still show your deposits with pride?
We still had the occosional mishap at night. But they refused to wear diapers so then it was changing sheets etc in the morning.
of course now they are discreet young ladies and not even mom is alloed in when they’re on the toilet!
Regarding those gross gas station bathrooms…they can’t always be avoided, but we keep a training potty in our car along with kitty litter bags to line it! We’ve used it many times while on the road with our kids. It’s much more convenient (and WAY more sanitary) to just pull off the exit ramp and let him go.
You know, one thing I was wondering is if B is confused about pee and poop. I mean, whenever she goes in her diaper (or undies!) she says “I pooptied.” It doesn’t matter if it’s pee or poop. She always says “pooptied”, even when she’s saying she wants to go on the potty. However, she won’t poop in the toilet at all. She’d rather mess in her undies (GROSS!). When I change her out of soiled undies or diapers I say “Oooo, yucky. That’s disgusting. You can do that in the toilet and then it doesn’t make a mess.” But nothing has worked.
Also, sometimes when I ask her to go to the potty (like when she first wakes up or before we leave the house), she gets upset and says “I don’t want to potty!” I’m torn between knowing she needs to go so that she doesn’t have an accident, and not wanting to freak her out about peeing by “forcing” her to go. Any thoughts?
Thanks!!!!
CLAUDIA:
Thanks for reminding us that THIS TOO SHALL PASS, so we don’t need to get unduly worked up about it…think big picture, folks! (I’m telling myself the same thing!)
Great Timing!! I have a 3 1/2 yo son who is still in pull-ups. (Talk about feeling like a failure!!) DS has all the markers for starting potty training. My main issue with it is that I work & my DH stays at home with DS during the day. DH won’t put anything on DS except great absorbent pull-ups (He doesn’t want to clean up messes) and doesn’t take time to sit with DS in the bathroom & hasn’t really encourage DS to get out of pull-ups. I get home about 5 each night & trying to potty-train from 5-8 is not workable or helpful. He’s gone potty on the toliet 2 times. (pee once & poop once b/c I took him to the toliet in the middle of the deed.) HELP!!! I know boys trainer later typically, but really 3 1/2? I’ve tried different things but it all comes back to whatever headway I get on the weekends gets blown on Monday morning…
MOMO FALI:
That reminds me of when we were training our now 5-year-old son. As embarrassing as it is to admit now, he LOVED the idea that he could pee outdoors. We got a lot of potty training mileage out of allowing him to pee on a bush at the age of 2 or 3.
But yeah, taking the whole show on the road is a great idea; I know many parents who keep a potty in the back of their car for just such an occasion. (Just don’t mix it up with your dry cleaning!)
KATIE KAT:
I think she’s showing you she’s not quite ready to move to the next step. You can continue to gently show her the difference between “pooptie” (love that!) and pee. “Oh, this diaper is WET. You peed in it! There is no pooptie in this diaper.”
SHE is not grossed out by the poop, YOU are (gee, I wonder why?)…so you unfortunately have to wait for her to agree that it’s gross. She WILL, I promise…fairly soon, too I bet. It all is wrapped up in the whole controlling the body/controlling the world dynamic at this stage…what goes where? Poop and garbage get thrown away…food and toys get treated nicely….clean clothes get put in the drawer, dirty clothes (and kids) get cleaned up all nice and fresh…..She is trying to sort all this out. Potty training is but one facet of the whole deal.
In terms of going out….forget about it. Put her in a diaper or PullUp. There is no sense in stressing about her having an accident while you are out…don’t try to push a boulder up hill. And just be matter-of-fact about it. “OK, we’re going to the store, let’s get your PullUp. If you ever want to pee while we’re at the store, we can find a potty, if you like.” And while you’re at the store: “Mommy has to go pee. Do you want to try also? No? OK.”
I know it’s hard to back off when you feel this sense of pressure..that somehow she SHOULD be trained by now. But all your aggravation and worry will actually do nothing to get her there faster, and could even trigger her resistance (as she is already starting to sound a bit now) and create a whole struggle you cannot win. Remember, it’s not a race, and she will get there, I promise! And all those parents who SAY their kid is potty trained….no way. Well, maybe a few, but the majority AIN’T.
So buy a huge pack of pullups or whatever you use, and instead just have fun with her. She’ll get there! (and let us know as she progresses, you have lots of parents following you here! and they are in the exact same situation!)
AIMES:
Yeah, all the adults need to be on the same page. If your son is picking up the fact that there are different rules, and that Mom and Dad don’t agree, then forget about it. It’s going to cause a lot of confusion for him.
Perhaps, ask your hubby about his timetable. When does he envision getting this thing going? At what age? How would he like it to be done? Enlisting his help and input might be a way to start the conversation, and the cooperation.
At 3 1/2, you can also ask your son about it. “One day, you are going to go on the potty just like me and Daddy. One day, you’ll be ready to do it on the potty, just like so-and-so (a friend at the park, or daycare, or a cousin, or whatever).” And see what he says.
Let us know what happens!
AS far as public restrooms go, I found a fold-up potty seat that goes right over the regular toilet seat. Worked like a charm and kept my baby’s tush off the nasty seats too! Fits great in a purse or diaper bag.
Awesome… and now I breathe a sigh of relief! My hubby keeps saying “I just don’t think she’s ready” and while I agree, I couldn’t stop feeling pressured (mostly by the day care teacher). I will simply do what I felt was best and you have helped confirm!
THANKS HEATHER!!
KATIE KAT:
Perhaps the daycare teacher needs a little attitude adjustment. I know they sometimes have an “everyone on the bandwagon!” approach to potty training, and I understand the challenges of having several not-really-but-almost-potty-trained toddlers to care for, BUT, this is just too important, and to individual, to push. Maybe if she hears from you what you have decided to do (basically, relax a bit and not press her), the teacher will back off a little too? Good luck!
I can only say one thing on this topic…..
DON’T FORCE IT!
No matter what your parents or inlaws say, it is not their struggle.
If you force the issue with your toddler you will not win.
You need to make your toddler think it is their idea to use the potty.
Our son was nearly 5 years old before he would even think of going #2 on the potty.
He held it in all day long until we put diapers on him for bedtime at which time he downloaded in his diapers. We thought he might get sick if he continued doing this. He would pee in the potty no problem, but #2 was a different story and it ended up becoming a power struggle over his right to poop in a diaper. He wasn’t scared of the potty, oh no. It was his way of having control.
Let it happen without much fanfare and he will not be attendeing kindergarten in a diaper.
Do not let others tell you or shame you. They will do the right thing when THEY are ready.
LAURIE NOLAN:
You go, girl! (How come everything I say about this topic seems like a bad pun?!)
Seriously, you are so right. Let this be THEIR struggle…not yours.
I wholeheartedly agree with letting the child decide when it’s time. Trying to force them to be on our schedule is a recipe for disaster.
We found that peer pressure worked wonders for for our daughter. She was in a multi-age daycare class–kids from 6 months to 4 YO. When she was 2, a girl a year older was potty training. She told her teacher she wanted to go on the potty too. When I picked her up that day, she told me we needed to go to Target so she could pick out “pretty panties.” After about 2 weeks of accidents here and there, she had a handle on it, and we’ve never looked back. She did wear a pullup at night until she was 3. Then, she decided she wanted to wear her “pretty panties” in her bed. Very rarely, she will have an accident during the night. But that usually only happens when we’re visiting family (2000 miles away) and when we first get back home. I think it’s the chaos of traveling so far and being on the go the whole time.
As for the gross gas station toilets, we keep anti-bacterial wipes in the car and wipe that seat down a couple of times before sitting on it. My daughter also loves the automatic seat protector that comes out before you sit down. We saw one for the first time at the Phoenix airport, and she was completely fascinated.