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How DO You “Play” With A Newborn, Anyway?
Katie J. had some great questions last time: How much does she need to “play” with her new baby? Should we call out the Mommy Police if a new baby is left to coo and gurgle on her own, once in awhile?
Now that I’ve (hopefully) dispelled the guilt that Katie J. felt for not “maximizing” every possible play opportunity, I wanted to answer another related question….How DO you “play” with a tiny baby, anyway?
Easy. Hold her facing you, propped up at an angle on your legs, so her face is no more than 1-2 feet from yours. Babies’ eyes don’t focus well at longer distances. (And babies’ brains are hard-wired to look for and be interested in the human face…especially their parents’). Or let her stay in her bouncy seat, and sit on the floor in front of her. See what she seems to like best.
When you catch her gaze, smile and talk to her, in short, simple sentences. While she won’t “respond” in words, she will respond by using her body. Try to figure out what her body seems to be “saying” to you. Tell her what you think she’s “saying”, even if it’s just a guess. “Answer” her. Be silly. Sing to her. Experiment with the tone and volume of your voice, and with the way you move your body and face. See what she responds to best, and do more of that.
After awhile (for many babies, just a few minutes), she will have had “enough”. The direct interaction is intense for a baby that age. She needs it, but often can only tolerate it in short bursts. When she gets fussy, starts to look away, cough, drool and otherwise get “disorganized” with her body movements, you know you need to make a change. Perhaps she’d like to be held now? Maybe facing away from you, to cut down on the direct stimulation of your body and face? Or perhaps she prefers being “slung” over your shoulder, to get a nice, calming back rub? Or maybe she just wants some “alone time” now for a bit in her bouncy seat or swing, so she can try to make sense of the intense interaction with you she just had? Experiment with your baby. Find her rhythm. It’s there, it just takes your parent detective powers to figure out the ebb and flow of her cycle.
Your baby is most receptive to direct interaction with you when she is alert and calm. These periods come regularly throughout the day, in a cyclical pattern. Start to take notice of your baby’s unique (and often, predictable) rhythms. Very young babies like yours go through fairly rapid sleep/wake activity cycles throughout the day. These cycles consist of 3-4 hour cycles throughout the day that are usually fairly consistent, from baby to baby. For instance, here is a typical pattern for a very young baby:
- Sleep (1-2 hours), transitioning to:
- Happy/awake alertness –“play time” (the shortest of the phases, sometimes as short as just a few minutes), transitioning to:
- Fussing/overstimulated/hungry, needing to be fed, held, soothed, transitioning back to:
- Sleep, and so on, throughout the day.
Each baby is a little different; our first baby tended to go straight from sleep to fussy/hungry, then had her happy/alert “play” time after her tummy was full. But her younger brother could wait awhile after waking up and liked to “play” before he got hungry.
Start to observe your baby’s sleep/wake/alertness patterns. Jot down her activity level and the time of day. After a few days, you’ll start to see her pattern emerge. You can then target your play time for when she’s most receptive.
Have Fun!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
PS If you’re interested in learning more, you must watch The Baby Human series. It’s fascinating, and demonstrates exactly what I’m talking about here, and more. It also showcases current infant research in a really exciting way (I promise)!
We read The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg, among others. She talks about this some, but emphasizes what she calls EASY: Eat, Activity, Sleep, You. She also recommends, as you do, writing everything down until you see the pattern (and doing it again when the pattern seems to change, which it will).
Hi Dylan:
In case anyone missed this, I’m re-posting it below:
HI DYLAN/ “BABY WHISPERER MINI-REVIEW”
I want to give a (hopefully) careful response to the issue of the Baby Whisperer book, because I think it raises important issues…One of the reasons I was spurred to get additional training in Early Intervention/Infant Mental Health was BECAUSE of this book, and the confusion it caused me at the time of having our first child.
While I am sure that Tracy was a fantastic nanny (and nurse) and I would never knock her caregiving skills, and there are many valid techniques and ideas she presented… there are some things she suggested in her book that I think are in opposition to what is found in infant mental health research.
One of her ideas was NOT to get started on “bad habits”. Something about “start as you mean to go on”. Now, while I do agree that it is important to set good habits early and be consistent as much as possible, I am concerned that many of us take this to mean that we should be more rigid in our parenting than necessary. I have seen parents worry that “since we started this way, we can’t adjust now, because the baby will see that there is no consistency”. Especially given the varying needs of the developing baby. And especially in the early days, when FLEXIBILITY and simply MAKING IT THROUGH THE DAY are key.
She was against having the baby get used to “props” to get down to sleep, but I worry that this does not take into account the very strong need that young babies have for extra soothing. They develop additional coping/self-soothing strategies on their own as they age. But a new baby really needs more help from us; some, like her “Angel babies”…need less. And yes, she presented strategies for other types of babies. But the overall message set expectations for infant behavior that were too high, in my opinion, and not based on the babies’ unique needs at the time, given their developmental level and temperament.
My mentor (Dr. Beth Kalish-Weiss, in LA) is an expert in Infant Mental Health with over 40 years of experience, and much of what I know comes from her. She has reminded me over the years how adaptable babies are, and how quickly they do change and grow. And how something that they need at one stage will likely be outgrown at the next stage…naturally, and if the parents are taking notice of the baby’s changing needs.
I am concerned that the Baby Whisperer book was overly worried about preventing bad habits. Of course, some parents do establish bad habits for their kids. But it’s really not much of a danger for parents who are observing their babies carefully and adjusting their parenting approaches as their babies develop.
Again, I think Tracy was a fantastic nurse and nanny, and much of what she suggested is helpful. But I urge you to look elsewhere for a research-based understanding of infant development and care.
One thing that’s been great about having a developmentally delayed child, is that we have occupational and physical therapists who told us all this stuff. Great of you to share it with all the parents who don’t have access to such valuable resources!
MOMO FALI:
Well, thanks for giving me the perfect segue! We’re about to delve deeper into the fascinating world of sensory development in our children. Why are some babies so soothed by a car ride, and others fight to get out of the car seat? Why do some seem to DETEST clothes with tags and rough seams? Why does one toddler love to groove to loud music, and another covers his ears and runs away? All children vary in the degree that their senses have developed, neurologically. One might be overreactive (or underreactive) to any one (or more) of the senses; sight, sound, taste, the sense of movement in space, smell, tactile….
I’m finishing up my interview with the co-author of “Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues”. Nancy Peske has wonderful tips for us on how to detect and soothe sensory issues in our own children. The principles in this book were taken from the work of Occupational Therapists who work with kids with varying development. So, MOMO FALI, you already know how amazing these professionals are…It’s my mission over the next week or so to introduce ALL of BabyShrink’s readers to the fascinating and HELPFUL stuff we can learn from Occupational Therapists, and Mom/writers like Nancy Peske.
I promise: We’ll all discover some really practical, new strategies for parenting each of our kids, based on their unique constitutions and temperaments. (You’ll also pick up some strategies for your own sensory needs….and your partners’!)
I’ll post the interview early next week. Keep an eye out for it! I have so much terrific material, I may even decide to do a series on the interview with Nancy!
I totally agree with everything said above. I just have baby number 4 and she is almost 3 weeks old. Even at such a young age, she knows what she wants and isnt afraid to scream to get it. She is so much fun, even at her young age. When she is in her alert stage we just sit together and talk and be silly. Well I do anyway. She will just stare and move her body at the attention she is getting. Babies are so COOL!
MICHELLE:
Baby #4! That’s amazing. What an inspiration! Tell us what it’s like to have 4, for those of us who have not ruled it out yet!
Having 4 kids in the house means never having a dull moment. Yes it can be hectic and I forget my own name at times BUT I adore my kids. They are great! I love being their mom.
Some days are so smooth you forget there are 6 people living together and other days you keep stepping on toes.
I think the hardest thing I am going through now is having a daughter who will turn 14 in June. Once those hormones kicked in a couple years ago; it was hard to make her happy. It is really tough being a teenage girl in middle school. Then factor in BOYS and well you know the rest. Some days she loves me and calls me mommy other days she thinks I am a complete idiot. I think it is important to tell her how much I love her every chance I get. Plus I continue to teach her right from wrong. That is what a parent is supposed to do. She starts high school in the fall. ~twitch~
With my son, who is 10, things are easy. Throw him a basketball or a new xbox game and he is the happiest he can be. He loves boy scouts and is in the chess club at school. IMPO, raising my son has been the easiest thing I have done so far. Even if there are 2 TEN year old girls calling the house. Since when did 10 year old girls call boys?
Now to my three year old. She is having a difficult time adjusting to the almost 3 week old baby in the house. I am very patient with her and try to NOT SAY, “the baby this…the baby that..”. I want her to continue to love her little sister and not resent her. Well, as much as any 3 year old can. I know it is hard for her to tell us how she feels so I am very delicate with her feelings.
Throw in the “baby blues” and then you have spent a day with us.
If it makes anyone feel better, I am considering baby number 5. So it must not be all that bad.
MICHELLE:
I think only 10-15% of Americans with kids have 4 children. The vast majority have two. (I have 3, and have considered a 4th, although I just turned 40, so we’ll see!)
What is it that drives some of us to have more than the “average” of 2 kids?