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New Mom Struggles with Guilt
Dear BabyShrink,
I’m having trouble figuring out when to put my two-month-old daughter down, and when to pick her up and play with her. I’ve heard many ways of encouraging her development, but I feel guilty when I place her in her chair to get things done. She sleeps well at night, but I often spend a lot of time holding her and rocking her to sleep in the daytime. When I put her down in her bassinet she frequently wakes up crying, so I end up holding her while she naps. A big part of my problem is that I really don’t want to be like my mom, who I feel was pretty neglectful. Sometimes when I put her down, I feel like I’m being like my mom. So, my question is, how much do I need to play and interact with my baby? How much is it okay to sit and let her play by herself?
Katie J.
Dear Katie J.,
Good questions: Is it OK to let a happy, alert baby sit alone in her baby seat while you get something done? And if so, how much, before there is “neglect” and developmental damage?
Trying to Improve our Parenting with Every Generation
You say you want to change the pattern in your family of origin; and you want to pay more attention to your baby than what you experienced. Let me say this: The fact that you are conscious and aware of the issue tells me you are already most of the way there. It’s hard (but critically important) to be aware of the psychological baggage we bring to our parenting. If we’re not aware, we’re likely to do one of two things: Repeat the same negative patterns as the generations before us, OR overreact in the opposite direction in an attempt to “correct” the wrongs of our parents. So if you were neglected as a baby, you might find yourself either automatically leaving the baby alone too much…or being a “helicopter parent”; hovering every second, not allowing the baby any room to be alone. Conscious awareness of our ingrained tendencies makes it possible to move past them.
Once you’re aware of your tendencies, you can react less to your own inner demons, and respond more to the unique baby in front of you. What does she seem to need, today? What are the patterns you notice in her temperament? When is she most responsive to interaction and “play”? When is she content to be left on her own for a bit while you get something done around the house? There is no magical formula that tells us how many minutes per hour or day that will be optimal for her development. She will “tell” you, through her behavior. Babies are all different. You’re best off trying to “read” yours from moment to moment.
How Do I Know What My Baby Really Needs?
When you observe your baby’s behavior over time, you will notice she has unique rhythms and patterns. Sometimes, she will have better control over her body, and be nice and alert. Other times, she will be disorganized in her movements, overwhelmed, irritable, tired or hungry. These patterns follow a fairly predictable cycle throughout the day. Your baby is most receptive to interaction and “play” when she is in the quiet, observant, alert phase of her sleep/wake/activity cycle. Other times, she will prefer to sit on her own, observing her environment, trying to make sense of it all. At two months, she is working so hard to try to focus her eyes, move her head (and feet and hands) purposefully, get used to her digestion and other internal sensations, and make sense of all that information. So giving her some time alone to “take it all in” while she’s in her bouncy seat (or crib, or bassinet) is perfectly fine. READ HER CUES. A well-developing baby will thrive on both her intimate, intense “play times” with you, and also be able to tolerate some time just watching the world go by.
A Mother’s Guilt: Never in Short Supply
But it’s OK if you can’t play with her at each and every opportunity… I give you permission! Perhaps you have other things to do…Oh, I don’t know, like make dinner? Do laundry? Take care of other kids? Or, even lie down on the couch and relax for a bit (what a concept)? You need to balance her needs, and the needs of the family; that includes YOU too. You need to re-fuel yourself so that you can be your best with your baby. A tired, overwhelmed Mom doesn’t read anyone’s cues very well.
You can find practical solutions to some of the challenges in your baby’s early months, too. I hear you when you say your daughter is awake and fussy more in the daytime. You want to give her attention, but you also need to balance the needs of the rest of the household and the family. My second baby wanted to be held more than the others and didn’t nap well, but he slept well at night like your baby. So while we did play together during the day, when he was fussy and tired (but not willing to sleep) I schlepped him around in a front-carrier so that he could get the physical contact he craved, but I could still get something done around the house. Find solutions that are workable not only for your baby, but for you too.
Experiment with these ideas and let us know how it goes.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Next time, I’ll tackle a related issue: How DO you “play” with a tiny baby, anyway?
Just before our son Zachary was born (he’s 5 weeks old today), my wife and I both (re)read Tracy Hogg’s “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer”. She writes a lot about patterns, and suggests keeping a lot for several days.
My first baby had to be rocked to sleep too… it got to be really exhausting on some nights. I would get her to sleep, lay her down in the bassinet only to have her wake up crying. I figured out that the sheets in the bassinet were cold, so I took to putting a heating pad set to low on some blankets in there, and then would remove the whole assembly before laying her down. Warm sheets=happy, sleeping baby.
Don’t ever feel bad about putting a sleeping baby down. That is far from neglectful. Neglectful would be failing to pick her up EVER, failing to keep her in clean diapers, failing to feed her, keep her healthy. That’s not what’s happening here. You’re entitled to put the child down to take a shower, eat a hot meal, or just plain rest. Like BabyShrink, I used a sling when my girls were really tiny like yours. We also used a baby swing, and when they were older a doorway “jonny jumper” that they loved. I don’t consider using any of these tools to be “neglectful”, so long as they’re not used to avoid contact with the baby for long periods of time.
You’re doing fine… really, you are.
When my Rabbit was a few days old, I was holding on to her for dear life and she was bawling. I had no idea what to do and I was getting increasingly anxious about being a horrible mother. At the time, I was still crying every five minutes anyway (as so many of us do) and this stress was about to put me over the edge.
So, you know what I did?
I put her down in her bouncy seat to think about my options.
And do you know what she did?
She *stopped* crying.
Now that she’s almost a year old, I now know (as I learned that day) that when my daughter is getting overwhelmed and anxious, I need to give her some space. I don’t think this is neglectful or careless. I don’t leave the room…I just give her a little personal space.
Everyone’s baby will be different. But, my brief experience with motherhood has certainly convinced me that children are *born* with certain dispositions. Sometimes I think it’s one of my main jobs as mother to respect my daughter’s temperament as much as I can.
HI DYLAN/ “BABY WHISPERER MINI-REVIEW”
NOTE: After first posting this comment, BabyShrink reader Dr. Attiton was kind enough to bring to my attention the fact that Tracy Hogg lost her battle with melanoma in 2004….a fact of which I was not aware. Although I struggled with whether to make evaluative comments about such an obviously caring lady who has now passed on, I do think the huge popularity of her book warrants critical discussion. I am re-writing my comment in light of that fact:
I want to give a (hopefully) careful response to the issue of the Baby Whisperer book, because I think it raises important issues…One of the reasons I was spurred to get additional training in Early Intervention/Infant Mental Health was BECAUSE of this book, and the confusion it caused me at the time of having our first child.
While I am sure that Tracy was a fantastic nanny (and nurse) and I would never knock her caregiving skills, and there are many valid techniques and ideas she presented… there are some things she suggested in her book that I think are in opposition to what is found in infant mental health research.
One of her ideas was NOT to get started on “bad habits”. Something about “start as you mean to go on”. Now, while I do agree that it is important to set good habits early and be consistent as much as possible, I am concerned that many of us take this to mean that we should be more rigid in our parenting than necessary. I have seen parents worry that “since we started this way, we can’t adjust now, because the baby will see that there is no consistency”. Especially given the varying needs of the developing baby. And especially in the early days, when FLEXIBILITY and simply MAKING IT THROUGH THE DAY are key.
She was against having the baby get used to “props” to get down to sleep, but I worry that this does not take into account the very strong need that young babies have for extra soothing. They develop additional coping/self-soothing strategies on their own as they age. But a new baby really needs more help from us; some, like her “Angel babies”…need less. And yes, she presented strategies for other types of babies. But the overall message set expectations for infant behavior that were too high, in my opinion, and not based on the babies’ unique needs at the time, given their developmental level and temperament.
My mentor (Dr. Beth Kalish-Weiss, in LA) is an expert in Infant Mental Health with over 40 years of experience, and much of what I know comes from her. She has reminded me over the years how adaptable babies are, and how quickly they do change and grow. And how something that they need at one stage will likely be outgrown at the next stage…naturally, and if the parents are taking notice of the baby’s changing needs.
I am concerned that the Baby Whisperer book was overly worried about preventing bad habits. Of course, some parents do establish bad habits for their kids. But it’s really not much of a danger for parents who are observing their babies carefully and adjusting their parenting approaches as their babies develop.
Again, I think Tracy was a fantastic nurse and nanny, and much of what she suggested is helpful. But I urge you to look elsewhere for a research-based understanding of infant development and care.
MAMABIGDOG:
MBD tells us from experience…it’s OK to let your baby “watch the world go by” for a bit. Thanks MBD!
ATTITON:
Thanks for sharing that. I had to learn the same thing with our first…she did better with some “hands-off” time. I have since found that she is a bit on the sensitive side, physically, and that was the first indication of how to modify our interactions with her to maximize how things were going. Now that she’s 7, she actually CRAVES more physical touch than her brothers. I think she has a heightened sensitivity in many areas, and in a way has become a “touch connoisseur”. She is also uniquely tuned in to music, color, arts, and sports/movement.
I dod struggle for awhile feeling guilty for NOT holding her more; I saw other mothers with babies who never wanted to be put down…but that was not my baby. She had her own rhythm. So do they all! Each of our 3 kids is so different, in that regard….AND THEY WERE ALL UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. Isn’t that amazing? I used to beg for ultrasounds when I was pregnant, in order to see the baby. But no ultrasound can reveal what their little personality/temperament is going to be like!