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Ooooh Baby BABY!
Lately I’ve gotten a lot of questions from parents of toddlers, which mirrors my clinical practice. Parents of babies don’t ask as many questions, but they need answers at least as much!
So where are all you readers with questions about BABIES? Oh, perhaps you’re too busy, I don’t know, not sleeping, feeling overwhelmed, worrying about strange new baby conditions, and otherwise barely limping from one day (night) into the next?
Well, this site is called BABYshrink, after all. It’s time for us to focus on you, the parents of babies, for awhile.
Here are some of the things we’ll talk about, over the next few weeks:
If my baby sleeps all the time, how come I never get any sleep?
I just had a baby, and I feel like I’ve been totally shell-shocked. Where’s the Mommy Bliss I expected?
The baby’s delivery did not go as I had planned. Even though we’re both healthy, I feel like a failure. How can I come to terms with how it went?
I hoped to breastfeed the baby, but I won’t be able to (Or: am not willing to. Or: am only willing to for a short period of time.) Yet, I feel guilty and embarrassed about this. Is there a way to feel OK about it?
I feel so protective of the baby; I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t even imagine letting someone else care for him/her. How will I ever go back to work?
And for you Dads:
I want to help with the new baby, but I feel so useless. My wife has everything that the baby needs. How do I contribute?
Seeing my wife deliver the baby was amazing, and gave me a whole new respect for her. But I’m wondering about our sex life. Will she ever be interested again? And will I ever feel attracted to her in the same way? Or will being parents change our relationship forever?
My youngest is now two, so I’ve had just enough distance from those early days to have a semi-functional brain again. But I will never forget the intensity of those first weeks and months of having a new baby in the house.
I hope I can help some of you through one of the most rewarding…and challenging…times in anyone’s life! As always, your input is appreciated. I will respond to as many of your questions as possible.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Dear Babyshrink,
We’re here. Trying to think of questions to ask.
Like grad students at big shot presentations, we don’t want to ask a question that everyone else will think is stupid, inane, or reveals that we haven’t paid attention to what’s going on.
Actually, parents of new babies might be WAY too much like the grad students of the parenting world.
Man, I’ll tell you what… I was COMPLETELY blind-sided by having a baby. I thought I was all ready and excited, and I ended up being terrified and (I hate to say it) REGRETFUL that we’d decided to do it! Baby bliss? I didn’t have that. I’d had a terrifying delivery (emergency c-section). I had a colicky, hard to decipher baby with tummy troubles and painful ears (that we didn’t get diagnosed until 16 months). I didn’t know what the heck I was doing!
It was like going from 100 to ZERO in a matter of hours. For me, my decision to be a “stay at home mom” didn’t help. I have nothing but RESPECT for moms that stay at home, and nothing but sympathy for moms that feel so disconnected and SAD after their child is born. I had rampant PPD (I was already on meds for depression, but they didn’t even come CLOSE to being enough after B was born – I found out later I should have upped my dosage in the months before she was born and that might have helped.)
It’s simply a time of intensity that can be overwhelming. All the feelings you have are tied up with hormones (EVIL LITTLE BUGGERS) and getting no sleep, worry, responsibilities, etc. It’s no wonder people go a little bonkers.
Some of the best advice I got was to absolutely let people help you. Let them take the baby for a little while, even if it’s just so you can get a nap. If you can afford it, have someone come in a couple of times a week, just for the afternoon or something, to babysit. You don’t even have to leave the house if you don’t want to. Just give yourself some space. Also, (and don’t laugh) it is ESSENTIAL that you get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. I know, CRAZY TALK. But, if you and your significant other can trade off nights getting up with the baby (if you aren’t breastfeeding), that can be a lifesaver.
I’m getting long-winded, but having struggled so much, I want to help any way I can. I guess the most important thing to remember is YOU ARE IN SURVIVAL MODE. Don’t worry about whether you’re doing everything right. Just be sure the baby is cared for and safe, loved and provided for. Oh, and you will want to punch every person in the face that says “It gets better.” Try not to do that (but it actually does get better… just takes awhile!).
I’m a new mom…baby boy is 5 months old. Many like to tell us how we need to get baby on a schedule with sleeping…but we work with college students who have crazy schedules… will not having our son on a sleeping schedule mess him up for later on in life?
BACKPACKING DAD:
Reminds me of being in shrink grad school, when we were learning about psych testing. We all had to test ourselves first. The teacher said, “OK, who came up with having anxious tendencies?” EVERY hand shot up. So that’s where I’M comin’ from!
It’s a great analogy you make…”new parents are the grad students of the parenting world”. You sure don’t want to seem clueless, yet you are amazed at how much you don’t know!
But they key point is, THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS. Really. The more you ask for help, the better!
(And by the way, I’m still wondering about your little girl and her toddler-gagging thing??)
KATIE KAT:
It is Moms like you who help so many others out there….There is this incredible myth about how blissful being a new Mom is….the myth is spread, I think, by parents who have been so brain-damaged by sleep deprivation, they have completely blocked how traumatizing and difficult it can be! (And by grandparents who want more grandchildren!)
There is really a stigma in society, also, that prevents us from feeling comfortable complaining about how hard it can be to have a new baby. We worry that others will be shocked at how ungrateful we are, or negatively compare our “parenting performance” to theirs.
And the truth is, we ARE grateful. We ARE amazed at this miraculous little being we have created and who is developing and changing daily before our eyes. In fact, we are almost too grateful and amazed to even “compute” it all. The miracle of human life and the intensity of the parenting bond that develops is almost too intense to handle, at times. The fears we have about “what if….?” Can be so troubling that we sometimes can’t see straight. The intensity of feelings is such that sometimes we are simply overwhelmed by it all. It can turn into real anxiety or depression.
The change in our own sense of identity is difficult too, especially for so many of us who waited until later in life to have babies. In your 30’s and 40’s, you’ve already established a firm foundation to your life, and way and style of living. Having a baby really changes everything.
But I’m giving away too much of what we’ll be talking about over the next few weeks! Stay tuned and keep the conversation going!!
Tiffany-
Not being on a sleeping schedule will likely do more harm to you than to your baby boy. These people who say you can “put” a baby on a sleeping schedule clearly don’t understand that the baby is really in charge. If he doesn’t want to sleep, there’s not much you can do to “put” him there, like all the experts suggest, at least without causing much frustration for yourself.
I am an advocate for kids of all ages having a general schedule. The pattern of activities is comforting and provides a certain sense of home. However, I take the “general schedule” part of that seriously- if something doesn’t happen exactly on schedule (or on some days at all) you’re wasting your energy getting worked up about it. The whole concept of maintaining a strict, unbending schedule is really another way of making women think they must do everything perfectly, putting more and more internalized, self-criticizing pressure on us.
Just enjoy your baby, get some rest when you can, and don’t stress out about messing up your baby later in life. The fact that you’re even asking questions is proof you have the best in mind for your baby.
MBD
Ah, she got over it, it seems. I stopped paying attention to it, and she stopped doing it. Luckily she didn’t think to try to do it in front of her mom again to get a reaction, because she would have gotten one.
No, now we’re on to…oh hey! I do have one!
My daughter thinks biting is funny. I think she’ll grow out of it (with a litte help from the constant refrain of “Don’t bite me, please.”) She’s almost one now, and I see other babies who, when they play together pull hair or poke eyes (and she does those things too), but I haven’t seen too much biting. Is there anything going on to worry about?
MBD/Tiffany:
Yay! Yes! I agree 1000% with MBG about Tiffany’s question. In fact, see the post I just put up about this. (”Babies and Sleep: Keeping Us Guessing”). It’s actually a summary of a much longer exchange I had with a reader/friend about this issue. She, like many of us, worries about long-term consequences of the schedule thing. But I am here to tell you: You can make yourself crazy about this, all to no affect. MDG is right. Follow a GENERAL SCHEDULE. Modify as necessary. Take your cues from your baby. Can he handle a little modification at times? Then go for it. Or, perhaps today, he is crabby and might need a quieter, sleepier day. So be it.
More soon on this exact topic. Thanks ladies!
BACKPACKING DAD:
Aha! The biting thing. Well, it’s basically the same advice as the gagging thing. Don’t give it any undue response. Unemotionally say “no biting”. Give her something that she CAN bite. Did you see my “Biting Babies” post from awhile back? Reader Amy had a related question; see if that helps, and keep racking your brain for more questions! There will be a pop quiz at the end of the month!
I know this post is a little old, but I just found this blog and I have a question I could really use some help with.
I have a two month old, my first daughter, and I have trouble gauging when to put her down and when to pick her up and play with her. I’ve heard so much about things to do to encourage her to develop, I feel guilty when I put her in her chair to go get some stuff done. Sometimes I’ve having so much fun exchanging smiles I don’t care about what else I need to do, but other times I just feel guilty for letting her sit by herself for a bit.
Plus, while she’s a great night sleeper she hates taking naps during the day even though she really needs them. I often spend a lot of time holding her and rocking her to get her to go to sleep. Also, when I put her down in her bassinet half the time she wakes back up crying, so I end up holding her while she naps a lot of the time as well.
And a big part of my problem is that I really don’t want to be like my mom, who I feel was pretty neglectful of me and my siblings. So, when I feel like I’m neglecting her I feel like I’m being like my mom, which is exactly what I don’t want to do.
So, my question is, just how much do I need to play with and interact with my baby? How much is it okay to sit and let her play by herself?
KATIE:
A perfect topic for our focus on babies. Stay tuned for an answer to your questions; since you gave me permission, I’m going to devote at least one or two posts to it!