The “Good-Enough Mother”: Are Breasts Required?
Dear BabyShrink, This ain't wrong.
I fully intended on breastfeeding my first baby. But after trying hard for six weeks, we had to give up. We had 3 lactation specialists, moms, friends, and my doctor helping. But my baby was not gaining weight and crying all the time. I just never made more than a half-ounce of milk at a time, despite pumping and nursing all day (and night). But the specialists all told me to keep trying. That eventually, I would make more milk. I never did, and I could not stand to know that she was hungry. I had to feed her!
Feeding my baby formula felt like a failure as a mom. But she is developing into a wonderful and healthy little girl. Now that I am expecting my second baby, I still think back to that time and I worry about it. It makes me so depressed that I still get teary-eyed every time I think of trying to nurse again. All my friends and my sister were able to nurse. Why not me? People are urging me to try it, but I just can’t go through that again. I was so stressed out at a time I wanted to be enjoying my new baby. Now I will have a toddler to care for as well.
How do I handle this? Any thoughts are appreciated.
Sign me,
Anonymous in Atlanta
Dear, Dear Anonymous Mom,
I asked you if I could post this letter because so many moms out there are experiencing this same thing right now. Terrible guilt and angst because of being unable (or unwilling, for what can be excellent reasons) to breastfeed their babies. Let me say this immediately: as a psychologist, I want you to be as happy and stress-free as possible during the early months with your baby. Your baby’s development and happiness depends very much on YOUR emotional state at that crucial time. If breastfeeding is causing you too much strain and guilt…it’s just not worth it.
OK, I said it! Let the breastfeeding police come and take me away. But it has to be said.
Some of you are about to get angry at me. So before that happens, let me state a few things as fact:
Breastmilk has absolute advantages, nutritionally, over formula
Nursing has been shown to be beneficial in many ways, to both mother and baby
I support the ability of Moms to nurse their kids anywhere at any time
I nursed our four kids
But the pressure to breastfeed can be harmful to many Moms. It’s hurting some of you (and by extension, your babies). While I accept the fact that some Moms simply may not understand the benefits and simplicity of breastfeeding, and I do wish more Moms would at least try it out, I don’t accept the patronizing (matronizing?) attitude that often goes along with judging Moms for their choice not to nurse…or their physical inability to do so.
As a licensed psychologist, I also see many Moms who feel inadequate, uncertain, and self-critical because of society’s pressure to breastfeed. They in turn transmit those feelings to their babies.
Although we are told that virtually all mothers can (and should) nurse their babies, consider the following real-life examples of Moms who simply can’t breastfeed:
The Moms who, like Anonymous above, went through several lactation specialists, medications, and weeks of stress, only to find her breasts simply won’t produce milk (and her baby wasn’t gaining weight)
The Moms who need to take medicine for postpartum depression (or other life-threatening illness) and want to protect their babies from the medication
The Moms who have no breasts, or inadequate breast tissue, either because of an accident, illness, surgery or congenital condition
These are cases where Moms CANNOT breastfeed. Yet in each case, these Moms are criticized and judged by others who have the nerve to ask them, “Why aren’t you breastfeeding?”
But I must maintain that there are also situations where Moms CHOOSE NOT to breastfeed, and that choice must be respected. Who are we to judge the choices other parents make about feeding their babies? Who are we to impose our decisions on them?
I would rather see a happy mom and baby with a bottle of formula than a stressed out mom (and baby) struggling through nursing. To me, the most important thing is that Mom feels comfortable in her decisions as a parent. If Mom is happy, everyone’s happy. I actually stole the term "Good Enough Mother" from one of my shrink heroes, Dr. Donald Winnicott. He was the first to say, "back in the day", that you should not strive to be a perfect parent….just a good enough parent. If you want to get the scoop on him, read more here. (It’s a little technical, but if you’re into psychology, Winnicott is a classic.)
And it extends to the “I’m a better parent than you” kind of competitiveness that continues beyond the baby stage. Who’s toddler is smarter/cuter/faster/going to the “better” preschool? Who is watching the least TV? Who has the better diet?
Our expectations of being “Good Enough” mothers have gotten completely out of whack. And the very strong pressure to breastfeed our babies does not help.
Again, this is all about expectations. It’s important for parents to have realistic expectations of their parenting. Parenting decisions have to be made with the best interests of both parent and child in mind. Breast or bottle? Your choice is best.
If you’re struggling with this issue and want to talk personally with me about it, I’d love to help you. Hit the “Parent Coaching” button, or email me at BabyShrink@gmail.com to arrange a Skype, phone, or in-person appointment.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
56 Responses to The “Good-Enough Mother”: Are Breasts Required?
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Aloha, I’m Dr. Heather
Nicely done Heather!
This is a touchy subject, but I’ve never really understood why. I get that breastfeeding is advantageous for your baby, but if you can’t, or don’t want to, then who cares? If the baby is getting fed and is healthy, why should people even feel the need to comment on HOW they are being fed? That being said (and I am prepared to get flamed), I do feel there is a time and method for breastfeeding in public. Just whipping out a boob is a bit much in a society that SCREAMS about oversexualization, etc. YES, we know it’s feeding the baby, but it’s still a BOOB. But, I digress…
I, for one, had two surgeries which potentially could have prevented my milk from coming in. I just took the attitude that if it did come in, I’d try breastfeeding. If not, the bottle was fine. As it turned out, B was in the NICU for 8 hours after birth anyway, so she got a bottle (they had asked me before I delivered what I wanted). Luckily for me, not one person ever commented negatively about me using the bottle. I guess that’s why the controversy baffles me!
I had a long initial struggle with breast feeding my one and only – he had a latch problem at birth, and we had to use a gawdawful Hickman contraption for the first few weeks supplemented with bottle feedings. NOT nirvana, but I was committed (and almost committable). And eventually everything worked out, of course, as it almost always does.
In retrospect, I wish that I had spent WAY less time worrying and struggling, and WAY MORE time enjoying those first few months. And don’t get me started on the endless hours of crazy fretting about transitioning – one weekend he decided enough already, and that was that.
Thank you BabyShrink for opening up this topic. Anonymous in Atlanta might also take heart from Amalah’s recent personal post, and the comments from A to Z…
http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2008/04/so-im-dreaming.html
First off, I have to say that I nursed both my kids for 2 years each. There were times where I cried from the pain because I have fairly large nipples and those first few weeks were hell. I was kind of forced into the nursing in the sense that we were too broke to afford formula. Even with help from WIC, there was no way, so I sucked it up and after a while, it got better. But I never had an issue of not producing enough milk. I think I would have freaked out if I knew my baby wasn’t gaining weight, was crying, and was HUNGRY. Anonymous mom, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Why should your child go hungry cuz your body didn’t cooperate? Don’t sweat it with the next one so much. If you want to give it another go, try for a couple of days and if you think it’s not enough, quit. No one but you, your spouse, and your baby are involved in this decision. NO ONE. Be happy with your new child and good luck!!
By the way, Katie Kat, your comment about “…it’s still a BOOB..” is why some people freak out. I always covered in public but if you were in my home, you were seeing that boob and if you didn’t like it, don’t let the door hit you on the @ss on the way out. I didn’t like “suffocating” my kids in the heat of summer with a blanket over me and her (later him), but I was modest because of that whole “IT’S A BOOB” panic.
Thank you for this letter. I was in much the same boat as this mother. I very much wanted to breastfed but after weeks of trying I had to resign myself to the fact it wasn’t going to happen. I had a cancer scare that resulted in some breast lump and mammary gland removals that were to blame. I had bought into the notion that I would some how overcome the lack of adequate mammary glands and produce enough milk for my son. Foolish in retrospect. I was lucky that my lacation consultants supported my decision to use formula and so did my family. However I still struggle with the guilt that I was somehow an inferior mother since I was unable to breastfed. Every time he spits up I feel that guilt or when he gets sick I feel like maybe if he had had breastmilk his immune system would be better. It’s hard to let go of that guilt even though I know that formula has allowed him to grow and be healthy. At least in my case when someone asks me why I didn’t breastfed my response that I have battled breast cancer pretty much shuts them up!!!
I breastfed my first baby for the first year (started her using a sippy cup with water or juice at about 6 months). I did have trouble breastfeeding- couldn’t get latched properly, lots of pain, etc. The wonderful ladies at La Leche really helped me out, and I finally got the hang of it. Of course, some of those women were still breastfeeding 3 year olds, which I just didn’t agree with for my family, but that’s their choice. I was never able to use a breast pump successfully, so all the feeding was up to me alone- no particpation from Dad was possible.
I had breast reduction surgery after my oldest was weaned. I knew I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed with baby #2, and I was OK with that. Friends of mine had similar struggles like the OP, and really beat themselves up about not being able to breastfeed like they wanted to. I think the desire to breastfeed your child might even be stronger than the desire to have the “perfect” birth- breastfeeding is held in such high regard that the pressure to do it successfully is even stronger.
The whole thing about some folks being offended by breastfeeding or seeing it as sexual in some twisted way makes no sense to me at all. These are the same people (I’m sure) who expect a woman to look like their pre-baby selves within two weeks of birth. It’s simply a preposterous notion.
Breastfeeding is great if you can do it. If you can’t, the real benefits of holding your baby and talking to him/her while feeding from the bottle is just as valuable. That way, Dad gets to participate too…
MBD
KATIE KAT:
You, my dear, are one cool chick, and I appreciate your support, even if we don’t agree about every single thing. I like it that you put it all out there; that is what this site is about!
Perhaps the nursing-in-public thing is also CULTURAL. See, where I live, amidst the hipsters of Maui (and I would be one of them, too, if I wasn’t such a geek) and also amidst the tons of Asians (recent and historic immigrants) and of coruse Polynesians, nursing-in-public is par for the course. It’s like wearing a wet bathing suit into CostCo, here. You don’t see it done much on the Mainland…but here, it’s no big whoops. I guess I can see that for some, it’s a little shocking, but I don’t get that. Now, I never personally preferred to nurse in public, but sometimes it had to be done, and I took whatever measures were reasonable to afford some privacy. But I did not worry about it. But I know you totally get the point of the post…..let’s all be forgiving about this motherhood thing! It’s hard enough, as it is!
FRAN:
Thanks for the very relevant link to Amalah’s post on this. Really worth reading!
Like you, I regret not just enjoying more of that earlier time with (especially the first) baby. In a way, we get too much information about what is “supposed” to be happening that we lose our own innate sense of what is right/best.
LL:
Thanks for supporting our Anonymous mom out there; you know there are really tons of “Anonymous Moms”, and I hope some of them are reading our comments and learning from our experiences.
I am with ya on the “nursing in the heat of the summer” thing…and none of my kids ever appreciated being covered with ANYTHING, so it was more just turning my back to a room for a bit of privacy, but hey! We do what we can, right?
KIRSTIE:
Just the fact that someone has the nerve to ask you why you did not breastfeed is what gets to me. Like, they are entitled to hear your whole medical history so that you can be judged as an acceptable mother (or not)?
And about the guilt: Listen, I struggle with it too, for all sorts of reasons. I don’t know if we can ever totally escape it, but being aware when we are unreasonably judging ourselves is a place to start. Case in point: my kid who got the MOST breastmilk is the one who has allergies and eczema (which the nursing is supposed to prevent). And my kid who was exclusively fed breastmilk for the first several months was the one with intractable ear infections for those same months (natch).
We can never be 1000% sure of all of our parenting decisions, but thanks to good old Dr. Winnicott, we know that all we have to be is GOOD ENOUGH.
MBD:
As always, I very much appreciate your comments and perspective. Do you think society has changed over time, in this regard?
I just want to give a huge endorsement for all of us doing more to consider our own needs when we’re making decisions on breastfeeding and, for that matter, on all the other things we do or don’t do that plague us with guilt because we fear we’re not being perfect.
I nursed my son for a year, pumped all the live long day at work to avoid having to use a drop of formula, and I also made sure I ate super healthy while I was pregnant, never drank a drop when nursing, etc. With my second baby, NOT SO MUCH.
With my first baby, I made decisions that were designed to make his life “perfect” even if it made my life incredibly difficult. But I’ve learned from watching my son grown that what I do or don’t do (within reason of course) has a lot less impact on his overall health and happiness than I once thought. So with my daughter, I’m trying to make decisions that reflect a little more balance between her needs and mine. I nursed her exclusively for a few months, but introduced formula much earlier instead of pumping 2-3 times a day (a girl’s gotta work!), and at 7 months I’ve now dropped the pump altogether (what a RELIEF – I hate that thing) and am really only nursing in the morning and evening, and the rest of the day it’s formula and food. Although my daughter’s not getting the same treatment my son got, she’s getting a happier, healthier mom, and I hope the example I’m setting is that we should never forget our own needs (again, within reason). And I’m sure they’ll both turn out just fine.
I was always positive that I would breastfeed. Was told in my breastfeeding check after having baby #1 that everything looked great. “Don’t worry, your milk will come in right away.” It did not, but I kept waiting. Ended up supplementing with formula, which I did not want to do, while being advised to pump, nurse more often, take the pharmaceuticals, drink the tea, etc. I felt like crap, was interrogated by other moms about why I was using formula, even though I continued to offer breast first for 8 months (the worst of both worlds, as I told another mom). Baby #2 arrived 16 months later, and I was hoping that things would go better because I’d known other moms who’d had that experience. Five days after she was born, a nurse finally told me that I would never be able to exclusively breast feed because I would not ever be able to make enough milk because I just don’t have the tissue/glands/what have you. WHY COULDN’T SOMEONE HAVE TOLD ME THIS THE FIRST TIME THROUGH???
My older daughter is now almost four and I am almost to the point where I don’t feel horrible and guilty about anything breastfeeding related. I’m sure there are places where people are really great about the choices mothers make, but I was made to feel like crap. Sure, breast is best, and mothers (and fathers) should be informed of the benefits of breastfeeding in advance of the birth of the child. I was informed, I wanted to breastfeed. But, then, I’ve had conversations with women who were embarrassed about pacifiers, staying home with kids rather than going back to work, post partum depression, pretty much any “controversial” mothering issue. Heartbreaking.
Baby Shrink-
You asked, do I think society has changed over time in this regard?
We’ve observed more people in public decide it’s OK to hassle nursing women for the mere fact they nurse in public, covered up and modest. I never had anyone comment or look at me sideways, but today, people seem to think it’s just fine to walk up to a nursing mom and give her a piece of their mind about how “wrong” it is that she’s out in public, or that nursing is “gross” or “sexual”. What a lot of crap.
My grandmother thought nursing was for peasants. I was practically a heathen for nursing, according to her. My mom begged me to quit- she couldn’t stand seeing me in pain during those early weeks. Now today, women are competitive about birth, nursing, what they feed their kids, how they diaper their kids, how much (or if) the kids watch teevee, it goes on and on.
Society knows nursing is better for babies- thus the competitiveness about who is the most perfect mommy. Trouble is, society can’t un-yoke itself from seeing sex in an unhealthy way- thus anything perceived as relating to sex becomes dirty in some way. That’s how you wind up with the grandmothers convinced nursing in public is scandalous, and you get the under 25 boys leering at nursing moms.
I wish I could say society has changed for the better, but society’s just screwed up. But thanks for asking anyway…
MBD
LL: TOTALLY get where you are coming from and agree with you. In your own home, you can whip out a boob whenever you want! Erm… well, you know what I mean!
And in public, I never mind if people are discreet (as most are), but there are those who feel breastfeeding is the most beautiful natural thing in the world (and, it is, but…) and they want to show you BLATANTLY and all “hangin’ it out there” style! Sometimes, that’s a little much. 
Oh, and MBD, very well said. I guess that’s part of my point, that society over-sexualizes EVERYTHING. For the record, I don’t see breastfeeding as sexual or gross at all. It’s seriously a wonderful moment of pure connection for baby and mom. But in a world where women get kicked off of planes for wearing skirts that are too short and five year olds worry about whether or not they are “skinny enough,” I think one has to be aware of the impact certain things might have.
I think part of the issue for me is just in raising a girl in this day and age! Maybe that’s another topic Heather can tackle…
Nicely put, Heather. You are brave for taking on this subject. I would hope that this post would relieve some mothers of unnecessary guilt and get others to be more understanding. Having a baby is the ultimate lesson that we can not control everything. This is a tough job and moms/women need to be supportive of each other.
Thank you, Heather.
mamasutra:
I hope you give yourself permission to be done with this issue, once and for all. We all need to pace ourselves with this mothering thing….it’s the hardest work in the world, with almost NO immediate feedback about how you are doing. Are we making the “best” decisions? Often, we have no clue!
That’s why the idea of the “Good-Enough Mother” is so important to keep in mind. Not only is it impossible to be a perfect parent, in many ways it is important to our child’s development that we NOT be perfect; that they learn to adapt to imperfect situations, over time.
MBD:
It is interesting to see the changes over time. It seems that, although some things improve over time, we just keep setting the bar higher, to an ever-unattainable (and unrealistic) goal. I am trying to remind myself of that more often these days; to be happy with what we have, here, today.
A very important attitude toward life that we can impart to our kids from Day 1.
HOT WIFE:
Not only are you a Hot Wife, you are also a Hot Friend.
You can’t escape the pressure to breastfeed, even when you don’t give birth.
My son was born through surrogacy, and while waiting for him to finally be in my arms, I was shocked at how many people suggested I take hormones to induce lactation. Not only was I dealing with all the issues that accompany infertility, wondering about bonding and mothering a child I couldn’t conceive and birth myself, etc., it became apparent that in some people’s eyes, I could only truly be a mommy if I tricked my body into believing I’d given birth. I opted for bottles.
TRICIA:
OH! I’m so glad you commented. I’m leaving this post up for an extra day or so, because I think what we’re talking about is incredibly important. I wish I could make everyone read it plus the comments; people just have no idea how critical and ignorant they can be. Why should you have to justify/explain your son’s existence because someone wants to judge you?
Thanks for stopping by, and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
I had always been wishywashy about nursing – figured I’d give it a try and if it didn’t work “oh well”. I knew lots of kids who were breast-fed and lots formula fed, and frankly never could see a difference.
However, after having it practically shoved down my throat throughout pregnancy, I was shocked at how frequently I was discouraged NOT to nurse. Starting in the recovery room after my c-sect – the nursed refused to let me and said – she’ll be fine till she gets upstairs and then they’ll give her a bottle.
She was eight months old before I started supplementing, and during that time I heard on a daily basis “Are you STILL nursing! Get a life!”
I find I’m having a hard time with this particular issue. I admit to judging harshly at times those who either never even tried to breastfeed or tried and gave up at the first sign of hardship. I think it’s in part because my own experience with establishing nursing was extremely difficult. When friends and family tell me they tried to breastfeed but it didn’t work out for them I hear it as — “it must have been easier for you and that’s why you were successful”. In the case of my sister in law this was all but said and it still pisses me off. I feel that my own difficult time is minimized so that she can feel okay about moving to formula after trying to breastfeed for two days. I’m trying hard to work through these feelings though because how a person feeds their child is a personal choice and it is unfair to judge based soley on your own experiences. I hate the pressure placed on Moms today to reach some impossible standard of perfection. I don’t want to contribute to that myself. Thanks for the post.
HI LORI:
I’m so glad you had the guts to write of your ambivalent feelings, and I appreciate the fact that you are sharing the unfolding of your feelings on this “trigger” issue.
Truth is, it’s an evolving thing for us all. I daresay most of us do have some degree of conflicting feelings about this, as well as many other parenting issues. You just had the courage to admit it! Thanks.
Breastfeeding is such a hot topic, and I feel like I’ve gone through every facet of it. When my first was born, she was a month early, I was only 21 and had just moved to a new city due to the military. I didn’t know anyone and had no family in the area, so when my daughter was born I was completely overwhelmed. I wanted to breastfeed so badly, but I just couldn’t. I had no idea what I was doing, the hospital had me roomed with another person and they had people coming in and out all day, and she was so tiny it was like she couldn’t eat even if she wanted to. The nurses never asked me if I wanted to breastfeed, they just started her off on bottles right away. The pain of engorgement was something I just suffered through, because no one thought to ask me about pumping, and being an ignorant young lass, I had NO idea about it! My daugher is 10 now, but she’s very petite and willowy, and even though she’s a healthy growing girl, I can’t help but wonder if she’d be more robust if I’d breast fed her, and I still feel guilty about it.
When my second came along, I was bound and determined to breastfeed. I learned from my previous ignorance and had plenty of maternity leave and a pump all lined up. I was still in the military so I was able to be out of work without the stress of worrying about money. I found I was only able to breastfeed my son while laying down. My breasts are large but they’re so soft, they just smooshed over his face if I tried any other way, and he couldn’t breath. But I managed to do it! I was so proud of myself, I finally got it right, and I was even pumping extra for when I would go back to work. Disaster struck, literally, on 9/11/01. I was recalled from maternity leave after a month and a half with a son who WAS NOT WEANED TO A BOTTLE. He hated it, didn’t want it, cried whenever I tried to give him one. I was forced to take him to work with me a couple of days (for 12 hours overnight when I was the only one at the office) at the very beginning, and actually got in trouble, BIG trouble because of this. Trouble so big it made me only want to get out of the military and never look back. Needless to say, the stress of everything made me lose my milk, and my now 6-year-old son was formula fed from then on. I also got out of the military 6 months later.
Enter me at 31. Older, wiser, and much less meek, and my second son was born on January 2. I quit my job on Valentine’s (and hadn’t worked since October so they didn’t miss me anyway) to become a full-time mom. I feed on demand and co-sleep with my son, and I’ve never been happier. I still need to feed mainly from the side position, though I’ve managed to have him on my lap a handful of times. I did have to supplement a bit at the beginning before my supply got regular, but the days of formula in bottles are long behind us. My fridge is full of frozen milk I never needed, but can’t bear to throw away just yet. Just in case, I tell myself.
Whew, sorry for the book, I think I’ll just steal this back to post on my own blog. Thanks!
SERENITY GRACE:
Wow! You sure have been through all the variations here. What a story. And what a sacrifice you and your little guy made after 9/11. I’m glad you’re cross-posting this on your blog for your readers.
And yeah, we do learn, over time. It’s so nice to have some mothering experience the second (or more) time around. My mother-in-law says that “first babies are like first pancakes. you have to throw away the first one, and then you get the batter and the pan right.” (I can tell that story because both my hubby and I are first-borns)! I do wonder about my “newbie” mom status and if that impacted our first baby, but then again…she had us all to herself, and her brothers have always had to share.
There’s no going back and worrying about it, is there? Just plow on ahead with what we have gained by experience!
Thanks for commenting!
BabyShrink, I have to say, this is a wonderful discussion! My mom is Korean and a lot of women there breast feed. But she was SHOCKED when I didn’t wean at 3 or 6 or 9 months. With my first child, she kept telling me over the phone that I should stop (she lives pretty far away). And then I went out and visited her with the baby. My daughter had these great cow pajamas and she was round and fat and happy and one day, I laid down on the bed and nursed her and my mom came in. She saw this little “calf” all nuzzled up to me and that was it. She realized that my daughter was JUST FINE with being nursed past MY MOM’S expectations. I know some people get really grossed out thinking I nursed for so long. After a year, both the kids just nursed for comfort….naptime and bedtime. It was snuggling and loving time for me and my babies. With my son, my mom would just bring him to me when he started to have one of those baby wig-outs and she’d tell me to nurse him. haha How things change. Oh, and BOTH kids weaned themselves within a week or two of their second birthdays. No stress, no muss, no fuss. Each parent/child relationship is different. Each person’s circumstances is different. We have NO RIGHT to judge or question another’s decision to nurse unless it has to do with HIV status or drug/alcohol use. Then, perhaps steering a woman towards a doctor to discuss the ramifications of nursing in those circumstances is justified. Otherwise, we are each entitled to our own decision-making process.
LL:
I really just don’t get why some people are “grossed out” by nursing. They don’t get “grossed out” by feeding a baby otherwise, and they don’t get grossed out by boobs in general (just a little nutty), so why about the nursing??
Like I said earlier, I guess it’s partially cultural, and for that reason I always did TRY to be somewhat modest when nursing.
Funny about the grandma thing too. I know they want us to do it their way, partially to reinforce the way they raised US…but most grandmas are like your Mom, I think. They put in their 2 cents, then back off, and maybe adjust a little.
And now that we are past the baby stage, isn’t it so sweet to remember those days of snuggling the the littlest ones…regardless of their milk delivery system? THOSE are the experiences we should be focusing on when we are in those moments…not worrying about criticism from others about whether/how long we nursed, etc.
I identify with Lori’s feelings. I am successfully breatsfeeding now but at first there was some hardship and sometimes when other moms say it was hard for them so they quit, a little part of me wonders if they went through as much as I did.
At the same time, though, I know that everybody’s experience with breastfeeding is different. Some of the initial problems I had came from listening too much to the advice of moms who had totally different problems than I did, and by listening to them telling me what I was doing wrong I actually caused more problems than before.
It also makes me angry the way the medical profession is so unsupportive of breastfeeding. While the nurses, doctors, etc. spouted off about how good breastfeeding is, they would be totally unsupportive about actually fixing any problems that came up. Their first answer to every problem was scheduling and formula. I would have been much better off if the nurses had just kept their mouths shut instead of trying to help me without the proper training. They had/gave just enough education to make moms feel guilty about not breastfeeding, but not enough education to actually help moms breastfeed successfully.
KATIE:
I’m all for MORE infant-care education for all new parents. Wouldn’t it be great if OB/pediatrics practices all integrated an automatic enrollment into a “new parents” class that was staffed by nurses/midwives, and even the doctor (or God-forbid, a SHRINK) from time to time? Wouldn’t it be great if it was acknowledged on a systems level that this new parent thing is DIFFICULT, and that we would feel so much better about it all if we just had some personal support and information at the time?
I, like many of you, hated to bother our pediatrician for such non-urgent matters as nursing and sleep questions. We need better access to that kind of information, from the get-go.
Can I say that La Leche League and if you are on WIC, they have a nursing mother program, are good resources? With WIC, they will send a nurse practitioner who is VERY schooled in breast feeding TO YOUR HOUSE to help you. At least they do around here. They even started a mother mentoring program where women can be semi-trained to go in and hold a new mother’s hand and be supportive and NON-JUDGMENTAL with the nursing thing. It would be nice if hospitals set something like that up. A mom who has nursed for 3 or 6 months and a new mom paired up to be Battle Buddies.
This post was so refreshing and comforting to me. I was in a similar boat. I just gave birth to my second child and decided not to even try breastfeeding. The thought of going through all that angst again made me so depressed. My baby will be a month old on Tuesday and is doing great. I remember the first month of my first child’s life as a stressfull, tear-filled period. Not so with this kid. I know I made the right decision, despite what others may say.
LL:
Yes, it’s really important that new moms are aware that there ARE resources out there to help; take it all with a grain of salt, though, (like anything)…because you never know if you’re going to get kind and supportive help, or critical/judgmental. Seek out kind and supportive, and “86″ the rest!
FWMAMA:
Perfect example of what I’m talking about. The SUM TOTAL of the baby’s experience is what is important, not just one factor (like breastfeeding) in isolation. A negative breastfeeding experience can’t be good for a baby. YES, maybe there are nutritional advantages. But what about the angst and depression that FWMama is referring to? That adds into the equation and has a strong impact on baby’s health as well.
LORI D:
Yeah, the permission some people feel to provide unsolicited judgment and advice about this very personal issue is astounding to me.
Thanks BabyShrink, for posting this topic. I had emailed something similar, so this is very helpful. I still have feelings of guilt for not breastfeeding longer than I did, even though I know it was the right choice for us. For me and the baby, not just me. As my kids get older, obviously I think about it less. New issues come up and I realize that yes it’s an important part of being a mother, but not the only part. And there are so many ways to be a good mom. I know I am a good mom. We plan on adding to our family in the near future and I literally get sad thinking abou that part and if I will “fail” again. But I see how happy my kids are, and what a great connection we have and I know that is the bigger picture.
TINA LAVENDER:
There’s never a shortage of mommy-guilt, is there? We certainly don’t need additional reasons to heap guilt on our plates. I cringed the other day when the news posted the results of another study about how breastmilk makes your kid “smarter”…so many Moms out there are just beating themselves up when they read stuff like that, because they can’t do it.
But YES, it’s only one small part of the picture of being a good (enough) mother. Just one small part of the whole picture!
I don’t really want to enter a debate or discuss pros and cons of breast vs. bottle, but I do want to point out that Baby Shrink is incorrect (as many people are) that breastfeeding and anti-depressants are not compatible. It’s important to recognize that there are risks of not breastfeeding (i.e., more frequent/severe ear infections, diabetes, leukemia, etc., etc., etc.) and that the risks of transmission of most anti-depressants is far lower than those risks. Zoloft is the first choice for nursing moms, but if that isn’t the one that’s right for you there are many, many more that are considered compatible with breastfeeding.
See the work of Dr. Tom Hale (http://neonatal.ttuhsc.edu/lact/) for more information.
Really, there are very, very few true contraindications for nursing. Chemo and radioactive drug therapy being two. And truly only about 1% of the population is physically unable to make enough milk. Many, many more receive inadequate support, which makes it all but impossible, but that’s another post altogether.
Good luck to all the moms just trying to do their best! As a good friend says: Mothering ain’t for sissies…
HI GINA:
I think most of my regular readers know that I do very much support the role of antidepressants in treating depression, if it is indicated. I never said that antidepressants are contrainidcated if breastfeeding. But each case is certainly different, and each mom has a different threshold in the degree to which she does (or does not) feel comfortable taking meds while nursing. Each doctor/patient situation is different. And some meds CAN BE incompatible, including some of the atypical antipsychotics and mood stabilizers that can often be prescribed.
I’m just trying to show that there are both sides to consider, and I certainly support Moms who do need the medication, and I agree that too often, Moms DON’T try meds that would very likely help (and could even be lifesaving).
But I do dispute the “finding” that only 1% of women don’t make enough milk. I realize that many Moms have an unwarranted fear about making enough milk….but there are far too many cases I know of personally and professionally like our Anonymous Mom in Atlanta. I would love to see a well-done study on that. So far, I haven’t.
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So, I am way, way, way late to this post (it was linked earlier this week). But I really had to comment.
Like anonymous, I had no milk. I also had a pediatrician who kept cheering me on, telling me to keep it up–”try fenugreek”, or “try mother’s milk tea”—”just keep latching that baby.” I had read plently of pro-breastfeeding literature with statistics similar to those quoted by Gina, and had myself thoroughly convinced, that if I put in the effort, the milk would come. Admitting that my body wasn’t providing was just laziness, and fooling myself. I just needed to keep trying, and get more support. I was stressed, I was miserable, and baby screamed. All the time. Because he was starving.
I also had a very kind lactation consultant. She was the one who, after our initial consultant, pronounced my baby’s latch to be “beautiful” and my supply to be “nonexistant.” He was losing way to much weight. It was my lactation consultant who handed me our first bottle of formula. And the screaming stopped. With her support, I still attempted to establish a supply, in a routine of nurse baby, offer baby formula, and then pump. When I was six weeks postpartum, and still had no supply, despite all those efforts, it was my lactation consultant who suggested that it was time to stop, and simply enjoy my baby.
And you know what? Life was so much better after that. Having to bounce a bouncy with your foot while chained to the pump in a desperate attempt to placate baby is no way to parent. I still cringe whenever I have to buy a can of formula, or when a stranger asks me if I’m nursing. But my baby is thriving. And I think we’re doing a pretty good job together. Which is good enough.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your comment. You will surely help other moms in the same situation as they read your story here. More than good enough, indeed!!
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The sad thing about the mom in this article is that she probably could’ve breastfed with the right knowledge and support. Pumping is not a good indicator of supply. Some women dont respond well to pumps and if she was pumping more than nursing that will hurt your milk supply. Baby builds the best milk supply.
We have lost a generation of nursing mothers and when this happened we lost all of the knowledge, tips, and tricks of nursing that you can’t find in any books.
I couldn’t breastfeed my first child and there were a lot of medical factors involved as to why but if I had the education and knowledge I have now I wouldve been able to. I could’ve overcome the obstacles.
This time around I went straight to the source- breastfeeding moms with experience!! I’ve been successfully BFing for 9 months.
So many women give the excuse or think they don’t make enough milk. The truth is its hard work. Its harder to have to be attached to your baby than just give a bottle and be on your way. Our society has made making a choice between how we feed our babies OK and it is not. If we worked harder at supportig BFing it would be normal and formula feeding would not.
Jill,
I hate to say it, but yours is exactly the attitude that I’m trying to change. SOME WOMEN CAN’T ADEQUATELY NURSE THEIR BABIES, no matter how much support they’re given. Their babies lose weight as the poor moms pump, nurse, and take medications ad nauseum — all to no avail — and in the process they themselves feel like failures. It’s a terrible, terrible shame and the issue is not being adequately addressed.
As I said in the article, these moms go through lactation specialist after specialist, working their little hearts out, all the while being told they’re not trying hard enough. When the reality is, THEIR BODIES DO NOT PRODUCE ENOUGH MILK. This is a fact — there is human variation. Some women do not produce milk. (Others have medical issues or adopt but in any case do not nurse.) ALL moms should be supported, whether they nurse or not, regardless of reason.
There are no statistics on exactly how many women don’t produce enough breastmilk — partly because of attitudes like yours, assuming that the problem simply doesn’t exist. IT DOES, but it’s being ignored. Saying the problem does not exist doesn’t make it go away — it just further shames the women who, through no fault of their own, trying everything possible, are trying to do the best by their babies and their bodies aren’t cooperating.
But the real bottom line is this: Stressing about not being able to produce milk is partly caused by the propaganda out there, insisting that all women CAN and SHOULD BF. But babies who aren’t breastfed — for one reason or another — still do very well. I would much rather have a formula-fed baby and a happy mom than a stressed-out mom who breastfeeds her baby. And I’ll continue to stand up for these moms until nobody needs to anymore.
Dr. Heather
I think the fault here lies with the lactation support Anon in Alaska received. Usually it is true that if moms who have a slow start will make more milk by pumping and nursing frequently. but no one should make any promises.
Of course, we only know what the mom heard, not what the LCs actually said.
Also, many moms who can’t make a full supply are satisfied with a breastfeeding relationship, while supplementing. It doesn’t have to be presented as all or nothing.
As far as statistics go, the numbers of moms without enough milk are increasing..
1. breast surgery, most kind will affect supply including augmentation.
2. Infertility treatments, since women with hormonal issues that affect both ability to conceive and breastfeed, are giving birth.
Then there are women whose breasts have not developed normally and don’t contain enough tissue. Not to mention tongue-tie in the baby, which may be becoming more common for some reason.
3. Interference with birth, epidurals, c/s, etc. do make breastfeeding more challenging in the beginning.
The problem is that most women come into birth hearing all kinds of horror stories about breastfeeding failure. And the enthusiasm of some LCs can backfire, even when there isn’t any kind of physical problem.
I highly recommend Diana West and Lisa Marasco’s new book, Making More Milk.
-Hannah
Hannah,
I do very much appreciate what seems to be excellent advice. I think it helps many moms.
However, I do still stand by my premise: Too many moms are being “guilt-tripped” about their inability to succeed in BF. Second-guessing a mother about her situation is often experienced as disrespectful and invalidating of her (and her baby’s) experience. Fact is: Some moms CAN’T BF, and the reasons for this need to be accepted by society. It isn’t our place to judge, advise, or cajole her into trying more/harder/differently.
Any anyway, what business is it of ours how another mother feeds her baby?! The issue of boundaries and respect is simply impossible to ignore, here. There is a lot more at stake than nutrition. This is also about confidence in parenting, becoming a mother (from a solid emotional standpoint), and psychological bonding with the baby. All these things can be well-accomplished without BF, and that is a point that needs to be heard louder and more frequently.
But thank you and Shalom, Hannah!
I’m not disagreeing with you.
I don’t mean that the LCs were at fault because the mother didn’t succeed. If what the mother says is accurate, they made promises they couldn’t keep, i.e. they kept her expectations too high. Judging is counter-productive, while support and accurate information is essential.
Presumably women who consult LCs want their advice.
Those of us who support mothers know better than anyone all of the things that can go wrong. There’s no point in our laying them all out in advance–anyway all she has to do is open a magazine or new mothers’ forum to read the horror stories. We can learn about a mom’s situation and help her to improve it, either a little or a lot, depending on her circumstances or desires. We don’t know in advance in advance whether she will make milk, although there are usually clues.
I do care about mothers’ feeding choices, and all of us should. I believe that breastfeeding is a wonderful experience and a shortcut to a loving relationship. It’s environmentally sound, and a public health issue as well. Every woman should get accurate information and good support, if she wants it. It pains me to hear stories of women who stopped because of bad medical advice, inaccurate messages in the media, and lack of support for nursing in public or while at work.
Moms are doing the best that they can, and the lack of breastfeeding in our society is not really their fault. It’s not right to lay guilt on vulnerable new moms.