The “Good-Enough Mother”: Are Breasts Required?
Dear BabyShrink, This ain't wrong.
I fully intended on breastfeeding my first baby. But after trying hard for six weeks, we had to give up. We had 3 lactation specialists, moms, friends, and my doctor helping. But my baby was not gaining weight and crying all the time. I just never made more than a half-ounce of milk at a time, despite pumping and nursing all day (and night). But the specialists all told me to keep trying. That eventually, I would make more milk. I never did, and I could not stand to know that she was hungry. I had to feed her!
Feeding my baby formula felt like a failure as a mom. But she is developing into a wonderful and healthy little girl. Now that I am expecting my second baby, I still think back to that time and I worry about it. It makes me so depressed that I still get teary-eyed every time I think of trying to nurse again. All my friends and my sister were able to nurse. Why not me? People are urging me to try it, but I just can’t go through that again. I was so stressed out at a time I wanted to be enjoying my new baby. Now I will have a toddler to care for as well.
How do I handle this? Any thoughts are appreciated.
Sign me,
Anonymous in Atlanta
Dear, Dear Anonymous Mom,
I asked you if I could post this letter because so many moms out there are experiencing this same thing right now. Terrible guilt and angst because of being unable (or unwilling, for what can be excellent reasons) to breastfeed their babies. Let me say this immediately: as a psychologist, I want you to be as happy and stress-free as possible during the early months with your baby. Your baby’s development and happiness depends very much on YOUR emotional state at that crucial time. If breastfeeding is causing you too much strain and guilt…it’s just not worth it.
OK, I said it! Let the breastfeeding police come and take me away. But it has to be said.
Some of you are about to get angry at me. So before that happens, let me state a few things as fact:
Breastmilk has absolute advantages, nutritionally, over formula
Nursing has been shown to be beneficial in many ways, to both mother and baby
I support the ability of Moms to nurse their kids anywhere at any time
I nursed our four kids
But the pressure to breastfeed can be harmful to many Moms. It’s hurting some of you (and by extension, your babies). While I accept the fact that some Moms simply may not understand the benefits and simplicity of breastfeeding, and I do wish more Moms would at least try it out, I don’t accept the patronizing (matronizing?) attitude that often goes along with judging Moms for their choice not to nurse…or their physical inability to do so.
As a licensed psychologist, I also see many Moms who feel inadequate, uncertain, and self-critical because of society’s pressure to breastfeed. They in turn transmit those feelings to their babies.
Although we are told that virtually all mothers can (and should) nurse their babies, consider the following real-life examples of Moms who simply can’t breastfeed:
The Moms who, like Anonymous above, went through several lactation specialists, medications, and weeks of stress, only to find her breasts simply won’t produce milk (and her baby wasn’t gaining weight)
The Moms who need to take medicine for postpartum depression (or other life-threatening illness) and want to protect their babies from the medication
The Moms who have no breasts, or inadequate breast tissue, either because of an accident, illness, surgery or congenital condition
These are cases where Moms CANNOT breastfeed. Yet in each case, these Moms are criticized and judged by others who have the nerve to ask them, “Why aren’t you breastfeeding?”
But I must maintain that there are also situations where Moms CHOOSE NOT to breastfeed, and that choice must be respected. Who are we to judge the choices other parents make about feeding their babies? Who are we to impose our decisions on them?
I would rather see a happy mom and baby with a bottle of formula than a stressed out mom (and baby) struggling through nursing. To me, the most important thing is that Mom feels comfortable in her decisions as a parent. If Mom is happy, everyone’s happy. I actually stole the term "Good Enough Mother" from one of my shrink heroes, Dr. Donald Winnicott. He was the first to say, "back in the day", that you should not strive to be a perfect parent….just a good enough parent. If you want to get the scoop on him, read more here. (It’s a little technical, but if you’re into psychology, Winnicott is a classic.)
And it extends to the “I’m a better parent than you” kind of competitiveness that continues beyond the baby stage. Who’s toddler is smarter/cuter/faster/going to the “better” preschool? Who is watching the least TV? Who has the better diet?
Our expectations of being “Good Enough” mothers have gotten completely out of whack. And the very strong pressure to breastfeed our babies does not help.
Again, this is all about expectations. It’s important for parents to have realistic expectations of their parenting. Parenting decisions have to be made with the best interests of both parent and child in mind. Breast or bottle? Your choice is best.
If you’re struggling with this issue and want to talk personally with me about it, I’d love to help you. Hit the “Parent Coaching” button, or email me at BabyShrink@gmail.com to arrange a Skype, phone, or in-person appointment.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
56 Responses to The “Good-Enough Mother”: Are Breasts Required?
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Aloha, I’m Dr. Heather
Hi Hannah,
Then I guess I’m saying “yes — AND….” Yes, AND, I wish there was more accurate information in the popular press that, in fact, some women DO NOT make enough milk. Because this fact is pooh-poohed, chalked up to “Mom didn’t try hard enough (or long enough).” So the Moms who experience this end up feeling like failures — because they DO want to give the best start to their babies — and they feel their bodies are letting them down.
This vicious experience causes postpartum depression for some Moms. Really, the pressure can be too much — the public pressure and scrutiny and judgment – and that’s what I’m hoping to combat.
I’ve also had too many adoptive moms tell me that THEY received disapproving glances and comments when bottle-feeding (and please don’t tell me THEY should have nursed too — I know it can be physically possible to induce nursing in a non-delivering mom but SHEESH, it ain’t a simple thing, nor a guarantee).
Of course public health is important, blah blah. I get it. But I think that the message you are sending is directed at moms who NEED the support and info, not the ones who have EXHAUSTED good help — and those are the Moms I am trying to reach. 2 different groups entirely.
Shaloha!
Very well written/said! I can relate to this article so much! (It still brings back the tears whenever I’m reminded of my own personal story on “trying to breastfeed”. I just didn’t express milk. Only that ONE TIME at the hospital. A good ONE OUNCE! Then nothing came after. I tried for 4-5 months. No one can say I didn’t try. I just couldn’t stop for I was worried that my daughter will grow up sickly and that we will never ever bond. But my OB-Gyne told me that breastfeeding is not what will make me a mother, but how I will care for and love my child.
My daughter is now 2 years and 7 months old. And SHE LOVES ME VERY MUCH! And she is HAPPY! My husband sees and feels our bond.
I’ve also written about it here:
http://mymommyconfessions.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-breastfeeding-and-formula-milk-story.html
Hope you won’t mind that I placed the link here. I just want people here to know that not every mother gets to breastfeed and that they should NOT feel guilty about it. Instead, they should do what they feel is best for their little ones given the circumstances.
God Bless everyone!
I’m so glad you posted here too! Thanks to your support, more moms will feel better about their situations..and less guilty. Better for moms, better for babies…better for families! Aloha!
I am a soon to be mother at the end of my second trimester. From the beginning I knew I did not want to breastfeed. It just does not appeal to me and I personally think it’s a fad. I’m not saying it’s not good for the baby by any means but I just have no interest in doing it. I wasn’t breastfed neither was my brother or husband and we turned out fine. However, I am getting a lot of grief about this decision. Not from family but from other Mom’s. I have never felt so dehumanized because of the choice I have made. I know in my heart that it is the right choice for me and my family but others don’t see it that way. I constantly second guess my decision because it would be less pressure on me from other Mom’s but I just don’t want to breastfeed. It’s hard to deal with the pressures of this topic some times. I’m not really sure why everyone thinks they know what is best for everyone else or why it’s any of their business to begin with. I know my baby will turn out fine even though it didn’t have my breast milk but people are nasty and mean about it. Here’s hoping I’ll be a good enough mother to my children even though I don’t want to breastfeed!
I just wish women who WANT to breastfeed could eat the help and support they need to do so successfully.
I also wish people would stop saying “women should be allowed to breastfeed in public AS LONG AS they’re discreet about it.” Firstly, it’s very patriarchal to have to ‘allow’ women the right to feed their children. Children need to be fed, end of story. And secondly, I think this idea of the ‘horribly inappropriate woman waving her boobs around while feeding in public’ is a complete myth. I have NEVER seen this woman. Even the phrase ‘whipping her boob out’ is loaded with subtext. The focus is on the boob. But actually, she is just offering her baby food, in the same way you might whip a bottle out!
Please, women, stop pretending that some of your fellow mothers are whore-like exhibitionists. The breastfeeding woman feels she’s constantly being scrutinised. Did someone see an inch of flesh for half a second? Big deal, they can get over it.
You want to stop being judged? Well so do I! After all, “it’s JUST a boob!”
Oops, I meant ‘GET the help and support they need’