babyshrink.com

Dear BabyShrink,

I have two children; a seven-year-old boy and a five-year-old
girl.  We are lucky enough to live close to three sets of their
grandparents who all want to spend time with them.  The problem is that
the kids have picked favorites.  They only want to spend time with the
"fun" ones (the ones that let them eat whatever they want, watch
whatever they want and go to bed whenever they want).  This has resulted
in tension with the grandparents who believe in rules and boundaries.  The
kids have also told my husband and me that they don’t want to live with us
anymore.  I realize they’re just being kids, but they’re also hurting
feelings.  How do I speak to them about this in a way that they can
grasp? 

Sincerely, Vicki

Hi Vicki,

Thanks for the picture! Your kids are adorable, and you can’t really blame them for responding like they do when they’re showered with gifts and given no limits. At this age, they’re just following the cookies and the Wii. Social skills are not really their strong suit, yet.

But it is important to set a standard for them in how they treat people, and family in particular. In every family, there are
differences in the way one set of relatives relates to the kids, vs. the other
set. Differing cultural traditions and values can play a role. Sometimes, one
family has tons of grandkids (and therefore less time and money to spend) and
the other side has few, so therefore more time and money. The general level of
intensity of the relationships within the family often dictate things, too. For
instance, my husband’s family is more involved in general in the lives of their
friends and family. My family, on the other hand, is more "live and let
live".  Neither is better, just different. Kids have to get used to
the fact that everyone is different; and that’s OK.

Grandparents have the
inalienable right to spoil their grandkids; nothing I can say will change that.

But your children will learn over time, with your help, that you can’t "judge the
book by it’s cover". Treats and presents are great, but they’re not
everything.

The kids do have to learn
that some things in life cannot be controlled; Grandma X gives cookies and
candy, Grandma Y gives fruit and crackers. All you can do is talk to the kids
gently (but frequently) about manners, being polite with everyone, and the fact
that everyone is different. Perhaps the less-lenient grandparents have other
attributes: Maybe they can teach the kids to fish, or go camping, or how to
sew. The grandparents also have to come to terms with the fact that they will
each have different standards with the kids.

You can talk to all the
grandparents (probably separately) about your dilemma. Try to generate some
empathy for the kids, for the other set of grandparents, and for YOU in the
situation. Talk to the lenient grandparents about the bind they put you in.
"I don’t want to deny you your right to spoil the grandkids. I don’t want
to control your time with them. But when they come back home to rules and to be
with us, they’re impossible, since they’ve had so many goodies. They even told
us they don’t want to live with us anymore, or visit with the other
grandparents. Can we talk about toning it down just a little
bit?"

Also, talk with the other grandparents
about your plans to address it. Show them you mean business when you insist
that the kids are nice and polite. Really play up the cool things that they CAN
do with these grandparents. Show your kids that their tantrums aren’t going to
get them anywhere; they still need to have a cordial relationship with all
family members.

Good luck and keep us
posted!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Hi Baby Shrink!

I learned of your website from Dad Gone Mad and have really enjoyed your no-nonsense approach. Can you help? My 3-year-old picks her nails, and has done so since she was a little over 2.  She’s just taking off any “extra”, she doesn’t make them hurt or bleed. I definitely notice it more when we’re laying in her bed reading stories just before nap or bed. I notice she does it every other day, or every 3rd day. I pick and bite my own nails, a habit I would love to break! I try not to do it in front of her. How did she pick this habit up? Was I not as diligent as I thought about not doing it in front of her, or is this a way of dealing with boredom/stress, or genetic? She has never used a pacifier, so maybe this is her way of self-soothing? I have ignored it so far, but I would love to help her break this habit if possible. She is definitely a kid who, if I tell her not to do something, then that’s all she’ll want to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Kim from Florida

Hi Kim,

In a situation like this, the rule is: Don’t Pay Attention To It.

If you do, you risk turning a harmless self-soothing strategy into a power struggle and a nasty habit. Self-soothing strategies, like the one you describe, are very personal little "quirks" that we ALL have. (As you say, you have one yourself! Isn’t it funny how they "get" these things from us, somehow?) Other kids suck their thumbs or pick their noses. Right? Be glad she doesn’t do one of those things, which can be harder to tolerate!

She needs her little harmless thing that she does to help her wind down after a long day. It’s OK. In fact, you WANT her to be comfortable at home, with you, being herself. With something as harmless as this, you don’t want to point it out or make a big deal…just let her be comfortable "letting it all hang out" at home.

I’ve been re-reading Anna Freud recently. To my mind, she’s the theoretical “mother” of child specialists like Brazelton and Ginott. The youngest daughter of Sigmund showed the world how fantastically diverse childhood behavior is. She also helped us sympathize with the really difficult challenges inherent in being a child, with developmental changes and dilemmas around every corner.

It’s hard being a kid! It’s even harder being a little kid!

They don’t have the mental capacity of an adult; not even close. They think completely differently. They’re always feeling incompetent and inadequate in this world full of grown-ups. And therefore, they need lots of (usually) temporary self-soothing strategies to simply get through the day. The bottom line is: Kids Do Weird Things. Lots Of Those Weird Things Are Completely Normal.

Your daughter’s age is a key factor here. Developmentally, 3-year-olds simply don’t give a rip how they appear to others. They don’t have the capacity to imagine how their behavior might impact someone’s impression of them. When your daughter is closer to 6 or 7, she will start to care HOW she appears to others; her friends (not you!). She will then more closely monitor her behavior for what is socially acceptable. But that internal desire is nowhere near appearing now.

I know it can make you nuts, as a parent. In our house, so far, we’ve had to cope with thumb sucking, bottle dependence, compulsive belly-button exploration, absent-minded crotch-grabbing, and repetitive throat clearing. (Note: these habits are presented in no particular order so as not to embarrass any of BabyShrink’s children…at least one of whom can now read!) So when you see your daughter picking her nails, all you can do is take a deep breath, and look away. Continue on with whatever else you were doing. If need be, offer her something else to fiddle with, and see if she takes it. But she probably won’t…not for long, anyhow.

Unfortunately, I can’t help you "break" your daughter of the habit. In fact, the more you TRY to "break" her of it…the more she is likely to DO IT. Toddlers are amazing that way. They somehow find EXACTLY what it is that makes you NUTS….and do that. (Over, and over, and over…)

Sorry I can’t "fix" this one, but at least now you know it’s really common, and not to worry. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

I had planned to write one more post about Weird Pregnancy Dreams, but there’s just so much going on behind the scenes here, I just had to tell you about it.

Here is a quick rundown -
**New BabyShrink website design in progress
**BabyShrink PODCASTING…what would you like to hear?
**Great new interviews to post soon
**And finally, I need your questions!

BabyShrink Site Redesign
It’s hard to believe BabyShrink was launched March 7….of
THIS YEAR. In 10 weeks, over 20,000
page views have been logged. 20,000! That’s due in no small part to my chief
booster and whip-cracking editor, Danny Evans at DadGoneMad. But lots of you
have decided to stick around, ask questions, participate in the discussion, and
read my articles. I couldn’t be happier. And so, it’s time to upgrade the site
to be cleaner, easier to navigate, and to use my radical new logo, designed by
my Grammy-nominated friend and tireless supporter, Glenn Sakamoto. All this
week I’m meeting with web designers. But I’m a shrink, not a "tekkie". I need
your advice and suggestions about making BabyShrink as useful and appealing as
possible.

BabyShrink’s Parenting Podcasts
My friend Ilima is a new mom, and since she’s ten years
younger than I am, she’s wayyy cooler. Which means she knows how to use her
iPod. And she loads it with all sorts of great programs, and listens in the
middle of the night, when she’s up nursing her baby. But she wants Parenting
Podcasts…a la BabyShrink. And since she’s a journalist, I take her advice
seriously. So I ask you, dear readers, what kinds of podcasts do you want to hear
from me?

Great New BabyShrink Interviews
Remember when I told you about the fantastic book
“Babyproofing Your Marriage”? I had the opportunity to interview Stacie
Cockrell recently; she’s one of it’s authors. I can’t wait to post the
interview, and I do highly recommend you check out the book. Just look at
the reviews on amazon.com to give you a sense of what an important (and hilarious) book this
is.

My series on Sensory Integration was very well-received, and
Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske have generously offered to post my complete
three-part series on their website, SensorySmarts.com. I’ll let you know when
that’s up on their site.

I also was thrilled to hear back from an Israeli researcher
who’s done studies on pregnancy and dreams. You won’t want to miss the
fascinating new findings on Weird Pregnancy Dreams. Since my Israeli Professor
is on vacation, we’ll wait on the final post in that series until I can give
you all the interesting new findings.

I Need Your Questions!
Not only do I want to hear your feedback and
suggestions about new features to integrate into the BabyShrink site upgrade, I
also want to hear your parenting questions. As they say in radio, “Now’s a great
time to get through to me.” We go on vacation in a few weeks, so get your
parenting dilemmas and questions in to me now!