babyshrink.com

BabyShrink reader
Kelley is the Mom to this adorable guy, Ben. Kelley had a really rough time getting
Ben to sleep in his crib, and sleep through the night. Kelley emailed me for suggestions, and we
developed a plan to help take back the nights for herself and her hubby. Read
our conversation below to see what happened!

Dear
BabyShrink,

My 13-month-old
little boy has had sleep difficulties since the day he was born despite us
establishing a "bedtime routine" (long walk outside and bath) very early
on. Because we decided not to let him
"cry it out," he has always had a sleeping crutch; first it was
nursing, then bottles, then me or my husband. Only rarely has he slept through
the night, and recently, he’s been waking up every 2 hours. Our pediatrician cannot find any underlying
health problems and is from the "crying it out" school, so she
doesn’t offer any other suggestions.

 Ben is a
very engaged, curious, FEISTY, smart little boy (purely unbiased description!).
Did I mention feisty? He has not demonstrated any allergies or
intolerance’s to foods or milk. He
doesn’t appear sensitive to noises or smells.

At
daycare, they put him in a crib and rub his back while he falls asleep. At home,
we had to put a mattress on the floor so that we can snuggle him to sleep and
be able to leave the room.

He has never
slept in his crib. 

He never
goes down without a fight, at least with us.

He is
teething and we’ve given him Motrin right before bedtime in case
that was the culprit. Since he’s my
first child, I really don’t have anyone to compare him to. I thought that he’d be used to his bed and
nap time routines by now and things would be easier. But, it hasn’t. I don’t regret not letting him cry it out,
but I feel sometimes that he’s having a harder time because he doesn’t know how
to sleep on his own.

My husband and I haven’t shared a bed in a year and we’re ready to
reconnect before we start thinking about baby # 2!

Is this
normal behavior for a 13 month old? We
are all in desperate need of sleep. Any
suggestions would be appreciated!

Kelley
Richmond, Virginia

Hi
Kelley,

Thanks
for your question. You must be exhausted!

It’s
very important that you found your son sleeps well at daycare. That tells us he is CAPABLE of doing
it….he’s just not WILLING! (at home, anyway.) So now, you have to decide…is it important to you to get him to be
more independent in sleep? Is it important to you and your relationship with your
husband to get some more time with him….and not always snuggling your son?

I am
assuming your answers are "yes". It also appears to me, by what you have said, that there are not other
issues keeping your son from sleeping better. (And of course double-check with the pediatrician, just to make sure I
am not missing anything.)

So, this
is about getting your son used to the idea of sleeping alone.

Start by
talking with him about it. "You know, you are such a big boy, and you
sleep so nicely at daycare, we are going to start sleeping better at home too.
Mommy and Daddy and you all feel so much better when we sleep ALL NIGHT LONG,
in our OWN BEDS. Won’t that be great? Mommy will be SO HAPPY!" Mention it here and there throughout the day,
and as you get ready for sleep.

Then,
break the process down into several small steps, with the idea of slowly but
surely physically moving away from him in bed, getting him used to sleeping
without you.

Analyze
the situation. First, perhaps you snuggle him to sleep, but when he is almost
asleep, you slide down off the mattress, but still rub his back. Remind him
"Don’t worry, I am here. It’s OK to go to sleep." Get him used to that; it may take one night,
it may take 2 weeks. Then, pick the next
step. It might be sitting on the floor next to the mattress while he falls
asleep. Then when he is used to that, perhaps you sit by the door and talk with
him while he falls asleep, all the while soothing him and congratulating him
for being such a big boy and a GREAT SLEEPER, and HOW PLEASED YOU ARE that he
is doing so well. Eventually you will
move to having him PLAY in his crib, then put him in his crib when tired, talk
to him about how great it will be to SLEEP in his crib, etc. Take small steps toward your ultimate goal.

Each
step could take a day, a week, or more. But DON’T GIVE UP. He is likely to be
the most resistant at first, when things start to change. But hang in there!

I know
you don’t want him to ‘cry it out’, but you CAN let him fuss a bit, at times.
He of course will protest giving you up at night….but as he moves into
becoming a bigger toddler, you are going to have to start getting him used to
new limits anyway. Don’t feel bad…believe me, when you get a taste of having
your nights back for you and your hubby, you will be so glad!!! And a happy mommy (and daddy) mean a happier
toddler.

Make
sure you and hubby stick together on this…it is an important message to send
to Ben…that Mommy and Daddy’s relationship is of paramount importance in the
house. Even more important than Ben’s preferences, actually.

Because a strong
parental relationship is ultimately super-important in the development of a
confident and happy child. Better to have a little fussing from him, if it means
YOU TWO get to re-connect, and strengthen that couple bond.

HAVE FUN
and let me know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr.
Heather
The
BabyShrink

Tomorrow, come back to see what happened when Kelley tried my suggestions!