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When Your Parents and Kids Unite Against Their Common Enemy — YOU
Dear BabyShrink,
girl. We are lucky enough to live close to three sets of their
grandparents who all want to spend time with them. The problem is that
the kids have picked favorites. They only want to spend time with the
"fun" ones (the ones that let them eat whatever they want, watch
whatever they want and go to bed whenever they want). This has resulted
in tension with the grandparents who believe in rules and boundaries. The
kids have also told my husband and me that they don’t want to live with us
anymore. I realize they’re just being kids, but they’re also hurting
feelings. How do I speak to them about this in a way that they can
grasp?
Thanks for the picture! Your kids are adorable, and you can’t really blame them for responding like they do when they’re showered with gifts and given no limits. At this age, they’re just following the cookies and the Wii. Social skills are not really their strong suit, yet.
But it is important to set a standard for them in how they treat people, and family in particular. In every family, there are
differences in the way one set of relatives relates to the kids, vs. the other
set. Differing cultural traditions and values can play a role. Sometimes, one
family has tons of grandkids (and therefore less time and money to spend) and
the other side has few, so therefore more time and money. The general level of
intensity of the relationships within the family often dictate things, too. For
instance, my husband’s family is more involved in general in the lives of their
friends and family. My family, on the other hand, is more "live and let
live". Neither is better, just different. Kids have to get used to
the fact that everyone is different; and that’s OK.
Grandparents have the
inalienable right to spoil their grandkids; nothing I can say will change that.
But your children will learn over time, with your help, that you can’t "judge the
book by it’s cover". Treats and presents are great, but they’re not
everything.
The kids do have to learn
that some things in life cannot be controlled; Grandma X gives cookies and
candy, Grandma Y gives fruit and crackers. All you can do is talk to the kids
gently (but frequently) about manners, being polite with everyone, and the fact
that everyone is different. Perhaps the less-lenient grandparents have other
attributes: Maybe they can teach the kids to fish, or go camping, or how to
sew. The grandparents also have to come to terms with the fact that they will
each have different standards with the kids.
You can talk to all the
grandparents (probably separately) about your dilemma. Try to generate some
empathy for the kids, for the other set of grandparents, and for YOU in the
situation. Talk to the lenient grandparents about the bind they put you in.
"I don’t want to deny you your right to spoil the grandkids. I don’t want
to control your time with them. But when they come back home to rules and to be
with us, they’re impossible, since they’ve had so many goodies. They even told
us they don’t want to live with us anymore, or visit with the other
grandparents. Can we talk about toning it down just a little
bit?"
Also, talk with the other grandparents
about your plans to address it. Show them you mean business when you insist
that the kids are nice and polite. Really play up the cool things that they CAN
do with these grandparents. Show your kids that their tantrums aren’t going to
get them anywhere; they still need to have a cordial relationship with all
family members.
Good luck and keep us
posted!
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
I hear you…but do you have any advice for getting the grandparents to understand that they are not in THEIR house when they come over to visit my daughter?
They’re more than welcome to spoil her…but STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
Hi Dr. ATTITON:
HAH! I love it.
And YES, as a matter of fact, I do have some advice for that. I just interviewed Stacie Cockrell, co-author of Babyproofing Your Marriage. I know I’ve been promising to post the interview, but it’s worthy of waiting until BabyShrink’s redesign is launched. In the meantime, READ THAT BOOK! It has a whole section on exactly that issue. Check out the amazon.com reviews for more information and recommendations. Let us know what you think!
Reading the OP’s question, I was struck that the kids say they don’t want to live with their parents anymore. I wonder if they say this seriously, or if it’s only in fits of frustration when the parent denies them something they freely get at g-ma’s house. I don’t think it’s typical for kids this age to come up with this on their own- perhaps someone has suggested it to them first? I see this happen more often in divorced families, where there is a lot of us vs. them back and forth.
The favored grandparents likely love being in that #1 status role, and probably secretly (or not so secretly) relish the fact that the other grandparents are not seen in the same light. I wouldn’t expect a lot of help from them on that front.
The kids on the other hand- I’d be sitting down with them to explore exactly what they’ve said, why they’ve said it, and show them how it hurts people they care about when they make those statements. Kids this age may not understand that love takes a lot of different forms, and getting what you want all the time doesn’t equal “they must love me more”.
It’s a great time to introduce critical thinking to them- make it more of a logical argument than an emotional one, at least for the parent.
I think the notion that the lenient grandparent can be swayed by a rational talk is a nice thought, but it ain’t gonna happen. I have tried having this talk with my own mother and her answer is always, “these are MY grandkids and I’ll do what I want.” and it’s not serious enough for me to cut off contact, just to be irritating.
Unfortunatley I think you’re going to just have to deal with it, and soldier through until the kids are older and have a better appreciation for who the grandparents are as people, beyond what they give them…It may take time but it will happen.
How about “yes, they’re your grandkids, but they’re MY children, and if you don’t knock it off (or tone it down) they won’t be visiting you for a while”? Certainly a hard line to take, especially if the same grandparents are providing babysitting, but it probably won’t have to be repeated more than once or twice.
MAMABIGDOG:
Thanks, as always, for your excellent suggestions. Talking about it, all the aspects of it, is always high on my list.
MANAGER MOM:
I think it’s worth a try, because it could work for SOME grandparents. Perhaps it just has not occurred to them what is happening. Or perhaps they need to hear it a few (million) more times in order to sink in. Or perhaps just gently confronting them on it will be enough for them to realize that their behavior is having a negative impact. But for sure, keeping the topic open with the kids is a must!
DYLAN:
This tactic could certainly work for some grandparents. I think it all depends on YOUR personality, and THEIRS. Some will do better with subtle hints, others need the full frontal assault. Think back to what TENDS TO WORK, and try that.
Ultimately, the grandparents want family harmony. Work that angle for your best chances of success!