Comments on: When Your Parents and Kids Unite Against Their Common Enemy — YOU http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html Child and parent development by licensed psychologist, Dr. Heather. Thu, 10 May 2012 19:00:39 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: BabyShrink http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-387 BabyShrink Tue, 03 Jun 2008 07:22:46 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-387 DYLAN: This tactic could certainly work for some grandparents. I think it all depends on YOUR personality, and THEIRS. Some will do better with subtle hints, others need the full frontal assault. Think back to what TENDS TO WORK, and try that. Ultimately, the grandparents want family harmony. Work that angle for your best chances of success! DYLAN:
This tactic could certainly work for some grandparents. I think it all depends on YOUR personality, and THEIRS. Some will do better with subtle hints, others need the full frontal assault. Think back to what TENDS TO WORK, and try that.

Ultimately, the grandparents want family harmony. Work that angle for your best chances of success!

]]> By: BabyShrink http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-386 BabyShrink Tue, 03 Jun 2008 07:20:35 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-386 MAMABIGDOG: Thanks, as always, for your excellent suggestions. Talking about it, all the aspects of it, is always high on my list. MANAGER MOM: I think it's worth a try, because it could work for SOME grandparents. Perhaps it just has not occurred to them what is happening. Or perhaps they need to hear it a few (million) more times in order to sink in. Or perhaps just gently confronting them on it will be enough for them to realize that their behavior is having a negative impact. But for sure, keeping the topic open with the kids is a must! MAMABIGDOG:
Thanks, as always, for your excellent suggestions. Talking about it, all the aspects of it, is always high on my list.

MANAGER MOM:
I think it’s worth a try, because it could work for SOME grandparents. Perhaps it just has not occurred to them what is happening. Or perhaps they need to hear it a few (million) more times in order to sink in. Or perhaps just gently confronting them on it will be enough for them to realize that their behavior is having a negative impact. But for sure, keeping the topic open with the kids is a must!

]]> By: Dylan http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-385 Dylan Mon, 02 Jun 2008 09:42:45 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-385 How about "yes, they're your grandkids, but they're MY children, and if you don't knock it off (or tone it down) they won't be visiting you for a while"? Certainly a hard line to take, especially if the same grandparents are providing babysitting, but it probably won't have to be repeated more than once or twice. How about “yes, they’re your grandkids, but they’re MY children, and if you don’t knock it off (or tone it down) they won’t be visiting you for a while”? Certainly a hard line to take, especially if the same grandparents are providing babysitting, but it probably won’t have to be repeated more than once or twice.

]]> By: Manager Mom http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-384 Manager Mom Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:03:56 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-384 I think the notion that the lenient grandparent can be swayed by a rational talk is a nice thought, but it ain't gonna happen. I have tried having this talk with my own mother and her answer is always, "these are MY grandkids and I'll do what I want." and it's not serious enough for me to cut off contact, just to be irritating. Unfortunatley I think you're going to just have to deal with it, and soldier through until the kids are older and have a better appreciation for who the grandparents are as people, beyond what they give them...It may take time but it will happen. I think the notion that the lenient grandparent can be swayed by a rational talk is a nice thought, but it ain’t gonna happen. I have tried having this talk with my own mother and her answer is always, “these are MY grandkids and I’ll do what I want.” and it’s not serious enough for me to cut off contact, just to be irritating.

Unfortunatley I think you’re going to just have to deal with it, and soldier through until the kids are older and have a better appreciation for who the grandparents are as people, beyond what they give them…It may take time but it will happen.

]]> By: mamabigdog http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-383 mamabigdog Sat, 31 May 2008 22:40:20 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-383 Reading the OP's question, I was struck that the kids say they don't want to live with their parents anymore. I wonder if they say this seriously, or if it's only in fits of frustration when the parent denies them something they freely get at g-ma's house. I don't think it's typical for kids this age to come up with this on their own- perhaps someone has suggested it to them first? I see this happen more often in divorced families, where there is a lot of us vs. them back and forth. The favored grandparents likely love being in that #1 status role, and probably secretly (or not so secretly) relish the fact that the other grandparents are not seen in the same light. I wouldn't expect a lot of help from them on that front. The kids on the other hand- I'd be sitting down with them to explore exactly what they've said, why they've said it, and show them how it hurts people they care about when they make those statements. Kids this age may not understand that love takes a lot of different forms, and getting what you want all the time doesn't equal "they must love me more". It's a great time to introduce critical thinking to them- make it more of a logical argument than an emotional one, at least for the parent. Reading the OP’s question, I was struck that the kids say they don’t want to live with their parents anymore. I wonder if they say this seriously, or if it’s only in fits of frustration when the parent denies them something they freely get at g-ma’s house. I don’t think it’s typical for kids this age to come up with this on their own- perhaps someone has suggested it to them first? I see this happen more often in divorced families, where there is a lot of us vs. them back and forth.

The favored grandparents likely love being in that #1 status role, and probably secretly (or not so secretly) relish the fact that the other grandparents are not seen in the same light. I wouldn’t expect a lot of help from them on that front.

The kids on the other hand- I’d be sitting down with them to explore exactly what they’ve said, why they’ve said it, and show them how it hurts people they care about when they make those statements. Kids this age may not understand that love takes a lot of different forms, and getting what you want all the time doesn’t equal “they must love me more”.

It’s a great time to introduce critical thinking to them- make it more of a logical argument than an emotional one, at least for the parent.

]]> By: BabyShrink http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-382 BabyShrink Fri, 30 May 2008 09:58:42 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-382 Hi Dr. ATTITON: HAH! I love it. And YES, as a matter of fact, I do have some advice for that. I just interviewed Stacie Cockrell, co-author of Babyproofing Your Marriage. I know I've been promising to post the interview, but it's worthy of waiting until BabyShrink's redesign is launched. In the meantime, READ THAT BOOK! It has a whole section on exactly that issue. Check out the amazon.com reviews for more information and recommendations. Let us know what you think! Hi Dr. ATTITON:

HAH! I love it.

And YES, as a matter of fact, I do have some advice for that. I just interviewed Stacie Cockrell, co-author of Babyproofing Your Marriage. I know I’ve been promising to post the interview, but it’s worthy of waiting until BabyShrink’s redesign is launched. In the meantime, READ THAT BOOK! It has a whole section on exactly that issue. Check out the amazon.com reviews for more information and recommendations. Let us know what you think!

]]> By: attiton http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-paren.html/comment-page-1#comment-381 attiton Fri, 30 May 2008 07:52:34 +0000 http://babyshrink.com/2008/05/when-your-parents-and-kids-unite-against-their-common-enemy-you.html#comment-381 I hear you...but do you have any advice for getting the grandparents to understand that they are not in THEIR house when they come over to visit my daughter? They're more than welcome to spoil her...but STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN! :) I hear you…but do you have any advice for getting the grandparents to understand that they are not in THEIR house when they come over to visit my daughter?

They’re more than welcome to spoil her…but STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
:)

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