How To Handle Masturbation in Young Children
June 9, 2008 by Dr. Heather
Filed under BEST OF BABYSHRINK
Dear BabyShrink,
Lately I have been getting very concerned by my 3-year-old daughter’s annoying habit. She lays on the sofa and puts her hands between her legs and does this kind of “bop pushing action”. She sometimes uses objects like her blanky or teddy bear to help her bop between her legs. It doesn’t seem to change her attitude or behaviour any, but I find it annoying. Some people have told me that maybe she is developing sexually too early; and this is very scary for me, can this be true? I am very worried as this is embarrassing and I know to ignore the problem may make it go away, but I would really like to know WHY is she doing this?
Sincerely,
Mama A in Canada
Hi Mama A,
You pose a very interesting and important question. How do we handle the sexual development of our very young children?
Young childrens’ bodies are actively developing in every way. As they develop, they learn that their bodies have different kinds of sensations. It’s a normal part of their own
self-exploration. Young children do experience immature sexual sensations, and masturbation is quite normal. It does not mean that the child is developing sexually too early.
However, it’s a difficult balance to strike, as parents. We want to send the message
that sexual feelings are healthy and normal. But we also want our children to
have a strong sense of boundaries and understanding of what is “good touching”
and what is “bad touching”. We also want them to know that there are appropriate places for self-exploration. For instance, your daughter can feel free to explore her body when she is alone in her room. But it’s not an activity for the living room, or with other kids. It’s
not too early to begin conveying those messages now. You can say, I know it
feels good when you do that. But it’s for you to do in private, in your room,
OK?
We want them to learn to feel comfortable with their bodies and the pleasurable sensations they experience. But we also want them to develop a strong psychological sense of
privacy and safety in experiencing sexual feelings. This is a good time to
start mentioning little facts about her body, and who is allowed to touch whom,
and where.
The emotional message you send about the issue is at least as important as the words you use.
If you feel uncomfortable talking about bodies and sexual feelings, perhaps practice first. You don’t need to give her a big lecture. You should simply mention little facts now and again, such as Oh, you’re wearing a bathing suit now. Who is allowed to touch you under your bathing suit? Only you. Or Mommy, Daddy or your doctor, to make sure you’re clean and healthy.
You also need to talk to your daughter’s pediatrician about it, since little girls can have irritation caused by a urinary tract infection or rash. This may cause itching and the
kind of behavior you describe. So check that out, too.
One last comment about masturbation. Some may worry that their child was sexually abused or somehow learned this behavior inappropriately. But how do you know if that’s true? If your child masturbates excessively, to the exclusion of other usually interesting activities, and can’t keep her behavior to herself privately, you might want to ask your doctor for help. (And don’t feel embarrassed asking about it; your pediatrician hears this question several times a day!)
I hope this helps!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
My little boy plays with his but in a manner where he laughs at it. Then he stops. So far I haven’t seen any sign of masturbation but I am pretty sure that he is in the stage of exploration.
This has been very helpful. Thanks for sharing this interesting entry.
I might be asking a question here soon.
Reading this was a relief. My daughter (3)was doing the same thing and I was searching the net hoping for an answer. I was almost afraid I wouldn’t find anything. This was a great help in how to handle masturbation in these very young years.
Please help!!! For the third time I walked into my kids room 1 boy 3 years old and 1 girl 2 years old and they were both in my daughter’s crib with diapers removed and my son was laying on top of my daughter. When I opened the door my son had his normal goofy expression as oppose to jumping because he thought he was doing something wrong.
I don’t think he has been harmed or fondled but one never really knows, like I told my husband there are crazy sick people walking around us all the time. I know for certain it isn’t a learned behavior, something he has seen in person with us or on TV. I’m a Stay At Home Mom and when he’s not in Pre-School they are with me all the time.
My first instinct is to not worry too much about it because it’s just a body exploration thing but I also have a daughter to protect. My son is speech delayed and will be tested for Autism next week so having a conversation can be challenging but several times today I discussed the difference between good touch and bad touch. Not sure how much he actually got.
I initially found your site because I was looking for information on “smearing”. I thought having to clean up from smearing was the worse thing I had ever experienced until this issue came up. I am at a total loss.
Of course I can’t comment on whether there’s been anything inappropriate or abusive that’s happened with your kids as I can’t evaluate them — that’s a complicated clinical question. But in general, yes, children DO often like to goof around naked at this age. But I think having a rule such as this helps: “No touching naked bodies.” It’s simple and easy to understand. “Good touch” and “bad touch” for a 2 year old and speech-delayed 3-year old might be over their heads.
Since this has happened in the crib 3 times, you might also rule out playing in the crib. It’s probably a safety issue anyway. “Only 1 kid in the crib at a time.” That — and keeping a close eye on them when they are together — will help you see if this is just a passing silly thing or if there’s more to it.