latest news
Moving To a New House. Will It Be Too Stressful For My Child?
Dear Dr. Heather,
I’m a full time single dad of a 5 1/2 year-old girl. I have a great career, and she is happy and doing very well in school. I’ve decided to move again; the 3rd place in 3 years, all within the same neighborhood. Each time has been for "upgrades". So we will have a yard to play in and not have to deal with the apartment living we are most used to here in LA. My question is, will all this moving create any problems for her, emotionally, at her age?
Thanks, Rich
Hi Rich,
First of all, GO DAD! I love to hear about Dads like you who are considering psychological issues in the development of their kids. The fact that you are asking the question tells me you’re on the right track!
Now, the issue of moving: I’ve been getting this kind of question a lot lately, as lots of families move during the summer. At this age, your daughter is basically still tied to YOU, as her anchor in the world. The house is secondary, at best. What’s best for YOU is best for HER. If you are happy, she will be, too.
Your attitude about moving is also important. Approach it like an adventure, and involve her in the process as much as you can. Let her make choices about anything reasonable, like paint colors, or how to set up her room. Ask her about any down sides; what does she miss about the last house? Let her talk about it. Just listen. Maybe there’s nothing; maybe there’s something. Let her know that her feelings do matter to you, regardless. You may not change anything, based on her feelings, but she WILL know you took her seriously.
Your best guide is to observe her behavior. A little regression following a move is normal. Sleep habits might go out the window, temporarily. She may be more clingy or temperamental. Talk to her about the feelings you suspect might be underneath the behavior. But it sounds like she’s a PRO at moving, and I doubt it will be too difficult. She likely will bounce back very quickly.
But soon, her school and friends are going to become important…VERY important. And then, you will want to think twice about moving her around, especially if it affects her school placement. I would start thinking about her elementary school situation, and where you want her to be. Consider the neighborhood in terms of kids her age and other kid-friendly features like parks. Start thinking about a longer-term living situation, where she can feel settled, and try to stay, if you can. Moving when your daughter is older is bound to cause more stress for her. Good luck!
And for more on Dads, check out these BabyShrink posts.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
11 Responses
to “Moving To a New House. Will It Be Too Stressful For My Child?”
2 Trackback(s)
- Jul 11, 2008: babyshrink.com » Blog Archive » Do I Have Childhood “Baggage” About Moving?
- Jun 7, 2009: babyshrink.com » Blog Archive » Moving to a New Home with Young Kids
So, when is this cut-off age after which moving is so much more difficult? I was moved at age 8 and it was horrible (so was my husband, actually, with similar terrible repercussions).
We moved quite a bit when the kids were little (divorce, remarriage, etc.). They had 4-5 preschools between the two of them. Once they got into grade school, we only moved once- our oldest was 8 and our youngest was 6 (end of 2nd grade and Kindergarten, respectively). That was a difficult move due to our situation, but we were all happy to be moving to much better schools.
We’ve been in the same house, same schools for over 8 years now, and we haven’t moved specifically because of the kid’s schools and the friendships they’ve built since we’ve been here. We won’t move again until both kids are out of high school (4 years from now for youngest). I wanted my kids to have a sense of place when we finally settled, and we have achieved that. We all love where we live, just outside of Portland, OR.
We have always approached moving as an adventure, and involved the kids as much as we could. They liked to feel like they were really helping and contributing to the process. To this day, they both talk about moving wistfully, as if moving is something to reminisce about. They look forward to moving now, especially since the next time they do, it will likely be when they go off to college in a couple of years. (!)
Wow… GO DAD! I guess we all assume there are a lot of single mothers out there (and I don’t mean that in a good way), but there are also a lot of dads who are taking the ball and running with it for WHATEVER reason. ANYBODY doing the parenting thing alone gets a super dooper huge AWESOME WOW from me. Thank you all for taking it on (I know, most of you don’t have a choice), but it’s awesome that you do it. (Not that this had anything to do with the post… I’m just amazed and in awe of people who are single parents!)
Wait… I always read my comment and think WTF? I wasn’t slamming single moms by saying we “assume” there are a lot of single moms out there, I just mean that’s what everyone thinks is the most common. Okay… carry on!
HI Dr. ATTITON:
There is a qualitative difference that occurs somewhere in between the beginning of first grade and the end of second grade, varying per child. They go from being closer to preschoolers, developmentally, and move into “kid-dom”. It coincides with their cognitive shift into “concrete operations” (look up Paiget on Wikipedia if you’re interested, I’ll try to post a link.) Elementary-school teachers will confirm that a huge shift usually takes place during first grade.
And that’s why moving you at age 8 was so difficult (possibly among other factors). Moving, like many other changes, needs to be considered in light of this developmental shift.
Rich’s kindergartener will handle it much easier, likely, than any 8-year-old, who is completely engrossed in the social scene of school, friends and neighborhood. It is an age where the primary attachment objects begin to shift away from parents (us…sniff!) and to their peers. Starting over again at that age becomes much, much harder.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_cognitive_development#Concrete_operational_stage
Hi MBD:
I agree that moving, when handled well, can be a real boost to a kid’s sense of being able to cope with change. It also reinforces the bond with the family and can often be for the better, as in your case (moving resulting in better schools). And when they go off to college (wow!) they will have a great experience upon which to draw.
KATIE KAT:
Join the club! I edit and re-edit so many times, it’s ridiculous!
But yeah, I know Rich isn’t looking for a medal, but I love it that he’s thinking this way. Awesome!
With respect to planning for elementary school, our school district has a kindergarten faire every year, usually in December, with decisions to be made by February of the year the child starts K. At my wife’s suggestion, we went to the fair a year early so we could absorb everything without having to worry about the decision yet.
DYLAN:
This is a terrific idea. It helps to avoid the panic that can sometimes set in about “is this the right school? The BEST school?” etc. Get ideas early, ask questions, look around, when there is no pressure.