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Hi BabyShrink!

Lorie in Georgia

Dear Lorie,

I think there is more to your question than just how can I get my child to stop nursing? It’s a bigger issue. Now that she’s a toddler, how can you transition into providing her with the firmer limits that she now needs? She’s not a little baby anymore, and is testing and pushing the limits in many ways. And that’s a good thing for her, developmentally. But your overall approach to limit-setting becomes very important now.  Psychologically, she needs to know that YOU are in charge.

I know some out there feel they have the right to dictate whether, or how long, you breastfeed. (Did you see my post on nursing? If not, click here.) Only YOU can decide when it’s time for you to quit nursing. You’ve made it way past all the medically recommended timelines for nursing. For your own sense of security, talk with her pediatrician about it in advance to make sure things are OK, medically. But it sounds to me like you’re ready to be DONE. So now it’s about making up your mind and setting the plan.

You’ll need Daddy’s help here. Decide when the weaning will take place; choose a weekend or other time when it won’t be quite so disruptive if you loose some sleep for a couple of days. TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT IT in advance. Tell her that she’s a big girl now. Only tiny babies need nursing. She is so big, she can drink from the cup and even eat pizza (or whatever she likes.) Mommy is ready to have her body back. Mommy knows she can learn to sleep without nursing. Soon, we will be all done with nursing (or whatever she calls it; use her terms.) Tell her that Daddy will be helping her get to sleep until she’s used to no more nursing. Get ready for a protracted battle. It’s OK; she’s old enough now to deal with this.

When it’s finally bedtime, you should have a contingency plan for yourself. Perhaps go out with a friend, or plug into your iPod, so you don’t have to listen to her protest (or feel guilty about it). Even let her see that you’re leaving. Be cheerful, and wave goodbye! I bet that she and her Daddy will work it out better than you expect.

For some kids, this can take several nights. For others, one night, and it’s done. But it’s important that once you start, you don’t cave. CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY.

We’ll be eagerly awaiting your results back here on BabyShrink. Let us know what happens! And for more posts on TODDLERS, check out this page.

Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

Mama A in Canada

Hi Mama A,

You pose a very interesting and important question. How do we handle the sexual development of our very young children?

Young childrens’ bodies are actively developing in every way. As they develop, they learn that their bodies have different kinds of sensations. It’s a normal part of their own
self-exploration. Young children do experience immature sexual sensations, and masturbation is quite normal. It does not mean that the child is developing sexually too early.

However, it’s a difficult balance to strike, as parents. We want to send the message
that sexual feelings are healthy and normal. But we also want our children to
have a strong sense of boundaries and understanding of what is “good touching”
and what is “bad touching”. We also want them to know that there are appropriate places for self-exploration. For instance, your daughter can feel free to explore her body when she is alone in her room. But it’s not an activity for the living room, or with other kids. It’s
not too early to begin conveying those messages now. You can say, I know it
feels good when you do that. But it’s for you to do in private, in your room,
OK?

We want them to learn to feel comfortable with their bodies and the pleasurable sensations they experience. But we also want them to develop a strong psychological sense of
privacy and safety in experiencing sexual feelings. This is a good time to
start mentioning little facts about her body, and who is allowed to touch whom,
and where.

The emotional message you send about the issue is at least as important as the words you use.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about bodies and sexual feelings, perhaps practice first. You don’t need to give her a big lecture. You should simply mention little facts now and again, such as Oh, you’re wearing a bathing suit now. Who is allowed to touch you under your bathing suit? Only you. Or Mommy, Daddy or your doctor, to make sure you’re clean and healthy.

You also need to talk to your daughter’s pediatrician about it, since little girls can have irritation caused by a urinary tract infection or rash. This may cause itching and the
kind of behavior you describe. So check that out, too.

One last comment about masturbation. Some may worry that their child was sexually abused or somehow learned this behavior inappropriately. But how do you know if that’s true? If your child masturbates excessively, to the exclusion of other usually interesting activities, and can’t keep her behavior to herself privately, you might want to ask your doctor for help. (And don’t feel embarrassed asking about it; your pediatrician hears this question several times a day!)

I hope this helps!

Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

My Shrink Husband David and I met in grad school, and we’ve been married for 15 years. Go ahead, I know the jokes are coming about how 2 head-shrinker parents raise their kids! But seriously, one of the reasons I married him is because he is such a natural with children. He has an innate sense of when to intervene, and when to let them figure it out themselves. And he’s a “guy’s guy”, which helps me a lot when I’m struggling to understand issues with our boys.

I rely on him both personally and professionally. So I thought you might like to read an occasional post from BabyShrink’s Husband. I asked him to take a “crack” at a Potty Training question:

I have a three-year-old son who will only poop in his diaper, but regularly urinates in the toilet without any problem.  He is aware of his body sensations when he needs to poop, but refuses to use the toilet.  He does not have a medical condition, and is usually quite compliant. What should we do?

Alex in NY

We experienced something very similar with our son. He also refused to poop in the toilet. Instead, he would regularly run to the playroom and quietly hunker down in a mogul ski jump position, eyes forward and red-faced, scrunch up his face, complete his business, breathe, and then, after a moment of bliss — Mission Accomplished!  We openly discussed the potty with him between the ages of two to three, and the potty fascinated him. While he may have picked up on our enthusiasm about it, he did not verbalize what was on his mind regarding the potty. He always had an inquisitive expression when we flushed the toilet, but refused to speak to his shrink parents about his thoughts.

As psychologists, we had many analytic theories running through our minds. Was he afraid we were flushing his masterpiece, his private creation, or part of his body down the toilet? Was he worried that he himself was going to be flushed down the toilet? Were his shrink parents applying too much pressure? Did he have a dream or thought about losing things in the toilet? And so on.

So how did two highly educated psychologists handle their own son? “We” didn’t exactly handle it; instead, circumstances beyond our control happened one night when our germ and bodily-liquid phobic babysitter came to take care of our children. Our son was not wearing a diaper and started panicking about needing to put one on. Before the babysitter was able to put on the diaper, he started his business on the floor. She carried our screaming and crying son to the toilet where he undoubtedly went ape-sh*t.  He was feeling out of control and proceeded to hose the babysitter with urine while finishing his business on the potty. Upon returning home after our wonderful night out, our son ran up to us and excitedly said, “I made doo-doo in the potty!” He was very proud about his new accomplishment, and no longer afraid. Needless to say, our babysitter was less-than-proud about her evening, but is now a little less liquid and germ phobic thanks to our boy. After that incident, our son has never had problems and has been successfully using the toilet.

The moral of this story? Leave the tough sh*t for the babysitter.

Kidding.

It is interesting though that kids often do things for other caretakers that they seem unable to do for their parents (e.g., you are amazed by your child’s model behavior at school or at someone else’s house when they can be a complete hellion at home). What I realized is that while this wasn’t the way we imagined our son would potty train, I doubt that any serious issues will arise from this experience. This is because we firmly believe that it is the "big picture" that matters. This "incident" happened in the context of months of communication, conveying that he could dictate the pace of potty training.

The most important aspect to convey regarding toilet training is patience. While this “incident” did not convey patience, it was the constant discussions over a year and a half that were fostered by our little one that were most helpful. Pushing a child too hard with this intimate activity can create power struggles between parents and children. Children can feel violated and belittled by all of the pressure placed on them by people and settings. Many boys are not fully potty trained as three-year-olds. If, however, your child is squatting and squeezing in a corner at his frat house, you can certainly start pushing him to use the potty at that point!

But by far, the vast majority of children have a developmental pull that leads them to want to potty train on their own schedule. Additionally, it is also important to contain your own anxiety; remind yourself that your child will potty train when he is ready, and when that happens he will feel good because he will know that it was his accomplishment.

(Thanks to David’s shrink brother Kevin Wittenberg, PhD for helping to edit this post!)