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Whew! We’ve made it back from our trip to California. Even though we’re still unpacking, I’m thrilled that the trip was so fantastic — our best yet. I’ve been thinking about what made it such a success, and here are some of the tidbits I thought I’d share:

EXPECTATIONS. Have very few. The greater your expectations, when traveling with young kids, the greater your disappointment. Case in point: On one of our Disneyland days, I literally went on NOT ONE SINGLE RIDE, and I’m a huge Disney fan. My goals for the day were far more basic: Make sure the snack situation was in order for hungry-at-any-moment kids. Scope out an air-conditioned store in advance to hang out with a napping 2-year-old in a stroller. Strategize with Hubby so as to avoid the parade crowds, and get the kids on the rides they most wanted to do. My reward: Everyone had a great day, despite the huge crowds.

PLAN FOR ADULT FUN. We worked very hard to juggle the schedules of family and friends in order to arrange a Vegas trip — without the kids. I don’t even gamble; I didn’t play ONE SINGLE GAME. (I’m starting to sound a bit boring, aren’t I?) But we got to have lovely sit-down meals with the best of friends, enjoy an amazing show, and sleep in two days in a row. All of this made the other struggles of the trip easy to manage, because I knew we had a fun reward coming up. (Here’s a photo for you DGM fans.)

MAKE TIME FOR THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. We have close friends and lots of family in Cali. Simply arranging days to let the cousins and kid friends play together was one of the most rewarding aspects of the trip. Nothing fancy, just hanging out. Playing at the park, or in Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard. The time together is already building a foundation of closeness among the kids that’s priceless.

DON’T FREAK OUT ABOUT TRAVEL DAYS. Yes, traveling with kids is challenging. Yes, getting to the airport, dealing with TSA, snotty airline employees (and child-free passengers), delays, car seats and rental cars all add up be quite ridiculously impossible, at times. I know of which I speak: Last year, we were trapped in an airport for 11 (yes, eleven) hours with our kids, then ages 6, 4 and 1. The delay meant that we would have to do an unanticipated red-eye flight to the mainland; 5 1/2 hours, and we would arrive at our destination at 5am. And by then I was out of diapers, had one old bottle left, and no food. How did we handle it? I have no idea. I’ve blocked it, like any other traumatic experience!

Seriously, it’s a day (or two) of hell, and you just get through it. If you need help, start asking airport or airline employees. Many of them will play dumb, but others will be able to help; last year we had to ask 4 or 5 different workers for someone to help us get from one terminal to the other with 2 sleeping kids and 12 bags. Eventually, a guy came with one of those cool electric carts to whisk us to our gate. We’ve had all sorts of problems with airplane seating; being assigned a “1-4″ configuration with 3 little kids, and other inanities; we just start asking workers (and even other passengers) for advice and help, and eventually, things are usually worked out. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. BE NICE AND APOLOGETIC TO FELLOW TRAVELERS, who often take pity and can make things easier. Look for little, unexpected moments of relief: the computer terminals now available in many airports offer endless interest to toddlers, even if they never get to navigate off the “pay now” page. Get some ice, a couple of cups, and let the little ones at it; I have no idea why, but they seem to LOVE ice in paper cups. Find an uncrowded area away from the action, and let the kids go crazy. Run races, play tag, change stinky diapers…make yourself at home. And when you finally get to your destination, it’s a day of recovery, and then you’re off and enjoying your vacation!

Lots of you ask whether it’s worth the hassle to travel with young kids. I say GO FOR IT, as long as you manage your expectations, plan for some adult fun, pace yourself on travel days, and stay light on your feet in response to the kids’ needs. And don’t forget to take lots of photos and videos; in addition to being awesome reminders of these precious days with the little ones, you can keep the kids entertained all the way back home by reviewing them (over, and over, and over….)

Do you have other tips for making traveling with little kids more manageable? Do tell!

When your baby becomes a toddler, it’s very exciting. But with all his new skills comes the need to set firm and consistent limits; both for his safety, and for your sanity! Lots of you wonder how, and when, to give a Time Out to a toddler. And is it OK to do it, even if he doesn’t “understand” the concept? Reader Kelly has this dilemma:

Dr. Heather,

My 14-month-old son has developed a scratching habit. It started with him scratching me for a reaction. I would firmly say, “NO, scratching hurts mommy.” This led to more scratching. He does it if he’s angry, or just because. I tried Time-Out, but I’m not sure he’s understanding the concept. We’re trying Dr. Harvey Karp’s “toddlerese” which doesn’t seem to work with the scratching, because most of the time he seems to do it out of the blue, and I don’t know what he’s feeling in order to show I understand his needs. Any ideas on ways to prevent this?

Kelly From Maryland

Dear Kelly,

A 14-month-old is just starting to get the idea that using his new-found skills in controlling his body can lead to some interesting results. Your baby was used to being the passive recipient of action all day; people picking him up, putting him down, giving (or taking away) food, toys, or arms of comfort.

Now that he can walk and better control his body, it’s a whole new ballgame. HE gets to be in control! HE gets to experiment with ways of getting (and keeping) your attention. He’s also not quite sure how to modulate the force of his touch, either. He’s experimenting with what’s OK; how hard (or soft) to touch others. So, your approach should be to model nice, gentle touching, and to provide consistent, firm limits when he’s aggressive.

Focus on how to touch others nicely. Point out how well he touches others, when he’s in the act. “I see you petting the kitty so gently. What a nice job!” Demonstrate with his peers. “Can you show your cousin how you touch nicely? I like how you patted her back so softly.” Do lots of positive reinforcement of the behavior you want him to repeat.

Other times, he will need limits. When you say you’re not sure he understands the concept of Time Out; I’m sure you’re right. A 14-month-old certainly won’t “understand” it, at least until he’s experienced it many, many times, consistently, for the same offenses. But Time Outs have a cumulative effect, and soon, he’ll get the message.

Try this three-part approach:

1. Immediately (and briefly) explain the infraction, and the consequence. “No scratching. Time Out.” Use a firm, but low voice; you want to get his attention, but not let him think he’s got you really upset. (You don’t want to reward him if he’s just doing it to get your attention.)
2. Find a convenient corner or other area that’s removed from the usual action. Sit with him, and have him face the corner. At 14 months, you’ll probably have to gently hold him there for the duration of the time out. At this age, I would suggest 30-60 seconds, depending on your child’s temperament. (Some get the message more quickly than others!) When he protests, simply repeat, in the same, low voice, “No scratching. Time Out.” Don’t get into explaining or yelling. He won’t understand it anyway. You just want him to realize that scratching immediately results in Time Out.
3. And when Time Out is over; it’s OVER. Say, “Time Out’s all done.” And then move on; don’t lecture or rehash the event, or ask him to apologize. At this age, all you can hope for is that he’ll internalize some control over his aggression.

It’s also a good age to start showing him there’s a time and place for everything. Make sure he has ample opportunity to get physical; throwing, kicking, climbing, and yelling during playtime, every day. Toddlers need a solid, physical playtime of at least 45 minutes each day, as long as there are no health issues. Let him know that he is allowed to express his aggressive feelings, at the appropriate time and place. A toddler who is run into the ground at the park is far less likely to scratch, bite and yell at home! WEAR HIM OUT. Play chase, jump up and down, yell and holler, climb and roll. Then give him the opportunity to destroy things, when allowed; tearing paper, dumping items out of bins, and making (allowed) messes like finger painting are all good ways to positively channel a toddler’s aggression and energy. Then when he’s with you, he’s more likely to be calm and gentle.

As your little guy develops, soon he’ll learn that he can avoid Time-Outs by paying attention to the behaviors you’re reinforcing. “Catch” him behaving nicely, and give him a lot of praise when he does. That way, you’ll be able to use Time Outs infrequently.

Hope that helps. And check out more on my strategies with other Annoying Toddler Behaviors!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

When a new baby joins the family, it’s normal for the couple to go through a re-organization of roles. A common struggle has to do with power and control. Who makes the decisions? About what? Who has “final” say about parenting? This often crops up in arguments about seemingly petty things; but they don’t FEEL petty while we’re in the midst of the struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I argued with BabyShrink’s Hubby about how often the stupid Diaper Genie needed to be changed. See reader Amy’s question below for a similar struggle.

Dear Dr. Heather,

My husband and I are disagreeing over what color to paint our impending child’s room.

In a nutshell, this is the disagreement: I want to paint the room pale green; my husband wants to paint it orange. Yes, orange. I told my husband that orange is too vibrant for a baby’s bedroom, that orange is a color that will stimulate the mind - possibly too much. The last thing I want is (another) child who won’t sleep, and if there’s a chance orange will enable or worsen daytime sleep problems, I do not want orange. He says it would be a light orange - but not peach - and that I’m crazy.

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

Sincerely,

Amy, www.thetextureofthings.com

Hi Amy,

It is possible your baby MAY have some preference or reaction to a paint color, but not likely until she can look around and focus her eyes, and then only if she has a sensory issue. You won’t know until you learn about your new baby’s temperament.

But what I think is even more important (and probably the underlying issue?) is the question of Who Makes the Decisions About This Baby? Mom or Dad? Perhaps your hubby is simply looking for a way to feel he is contributing to the decisions being made about the baby. Many Dads feel pushed to the side; like they are “chopped liver” in the parenting department. Taking A Stand on a little issue like paint color might be the way he is asserting his parental authority; saying he cares about what happens when the baby arrives, and wants to be involved.

Dads often feel helpless and useless with a new baby. I remember a friend of ours, a tough guy named Zak. True story: Zak was “all guy”, from old-school Boston. When he and his wife had their first baby, we asked him how it was going. “My wife does everything….feeds the baby, changes him, bathes him…all he wants is her. I want to help so badly, but it seems like there’s nothing I can do. Last night I felt so frustrated I just went and sat in my truck and cried.” We still have a good chuckle over the image of poor tough-guy Zak, crying in his truck.

But the message is poignant: Dads want to contribute…need to contribute…can contribute, in very meaningful ways.

Now I know that sometimes, their efforts can be…well, let’s say, a little misguided. (I mean, seriously, orange?! I feel your pain!) But maybe this is an opportunity to make sure Dad has his say, and is made to feel like a partner in making important parenting decisions about this baby. It’s an issue that will crop up over and over again while your baby grows through different developmental stages…a dance you and your hubby will continue to do together.

But the bottom line is, your baby will benefit from Dad’s full participation, even if her room is day-glo orange.

Good luck, and happy painting!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink