latest news
How To Give “Time Out” to a Toddler
When your baby becomes a toddler, it’s very exciting. But with all his new skills comes the need to set firm and consistent limits; both for his safety, and for your sanity! Lots of you wonder how, and when, to give a Time Out to a toddler. And is it OK to do it, even if he doesn’t “understand” the concept? Reader Kelly has this dilemma:
Dr. Heather,
My 14-month-old son has developed a scratching habit. It started with him scratching me for a reaction. I would firmly say, “NO, scratching hurts mommy.” This led to more scratching. He does it if he’s angry, or just because. I tried Time-Out, but I’m not sure he’s understanding the concept. We’re trying Dr. Harvey Karp’s “toddlerese” which doesn’t seem to work with the scratching, because most of the time he seems to do it out of the blue, and I don’t know what he’s feeling in order to show I understand his needs. Any ideas on ways to prevent this?
Kelly From Maryland
Dear Kelly,
A 14-month-old is just starting to get the idea that using his new-found skills in controlling his body can lead to some interesting results. Your baby was used to being the passive recipient of action all day; people picking him up, putting him down, giving (or taking away) food, toys, or arms of comfort.
Now that he can walk and better control his body, it’s a whole new ballgame. HE gets to be in control! HE gets to experiment with ways of getting (and keeping) your attention. He’s also not quite sure how to modulate the force of his touch, either. He’s experimenting with what’s OK; how hard (or soft) to touch others. So, your approach should be to model nice, gentle touching, and to provide consistent, firm limits when he’s aggressive.
Focus on how to touch others nicely. Point out how well he touches others, when he’s in the act. “I see you petting the kitty so gently. What a nice job!” Demonstrate with his peers. “Can you show your cousin how you touch nicely? I like how you patted her back so softly.” Do lots of positive reinforcement of the behavior you want him to repeat.
Other times, he will need limits. When you say you’re not sure he understands the concept of Time Out; I’m sure you’re right. A 14-month-old certainly won’t “understand” it, at least until he’s experienced it many, many times, consistently, for the same offenses. But Time Outs have a cumulative effect, and soon, he’ll get the message.
Try this three-part approach:
- Immediately (and briefly) explain the infraction, and the consequence. “No scratching. Time Out.” Use a firm, but low voice; you want to get his attention, but not let him think he’s got you really upset. (You don’t want to reward him if he’s just doing it to get your attention.)
- Find a convenient corner or other area that’s removed from the usual action. Sit with him, and have him face the corner. At 14 months, you’ll probably have to gently hold him there for the duration of the time out. At this age, I would suggest 30-60 seconds, depending on your child’s temperament. (Some get the message more quickly than others!) When he protests, simply repeat, in the same, low voice, “No scratching. Time Out.” Don’t get into explaining or yelling. He won’t understand it anyway. You just want him to realize that scratching immediately results in Time Out.
- And when Time Out is over; it’s OVER. Say, “Time Out’s all done.” And then move on; don’t lecture or rehash the event, or ask him to apologize. At this age, all you can hope for is that he’ll internalize some control over his aggression.
It’s also a good age to start showing him there’s a time and place for everything. Make sure he has ample opportunity to get physical; throwing, kicking, climbing, and yelling during playtime, every day. Toddlers need a solid, physical playtime of at least 45 minutes each day, as long as there are no health issues. Let him know that he is allowed to express his aggressive feelings, at the appropriate time and place. A toddler who is run into the ground at the park is far less likely to scratch, bite and yell at home! WEAR HIM OUT. Play chase, jump up and down, yell and holler, climb and roll. Then give him the opportunity to destroy things, when allowed; tearing paper, dumping items out of bins, and making (allowed) messes like finger painting are all good ways to positively channel a toddler’s aggression and energy. Then when he’s with you, he’s more likely to be calm and gentle.
As your little guy develops, soon he’ll learn that he can avoid Time-Outs by paying attention to the behaviors you’re reinforcing. “Catch” him behaving nicely, and give him a lot of praise when he does. That way, you’ll be able to use Time Outs infrequently.
Hope that helps. And check out more on my strategies with other Annoying Toddler Behaviors!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Follow-up questions:
>At what age is it appropriate to start using this method? Lehua is 12 mos — too soon?
>What do you think of using the child’s room for time-out? Will that create negative associations or make them not want to spend time in their own room?
The “new look” for the website looks great, so easy to navigate!
What wonderful advice for new moms and dads, older moms and dads and even grandmothers and grandpas.
Thank you for helping us with better parenting skills and keeping us somewhat sane.
Love and Aloha
Nani
Hey Ilima!
It varies on the baby, but many are ready by about 10 months to start trying this method out. You want to wait until they give you “that look”; the look that says they KNOW they are about to do something that’s not allowed…and then do it anyway.
I would also reserve the Time Outs for fairly egregious transgressions; behaviors that defy your usual efforts to stop them. Things that involve hurting themselves or others, or otherwise are safety issues (going into the street, etc.). Basically, you want to try everything possible to stop the behavior many, many times at this age before resorting to Time Out. But once the behavior becomes a “Time Out Target Behavior”, it should remain that way, so you’re sending a consistent message. So that means it should be discussed in advance with all the baby’s caregivers, so that it’s a concerted effort, and everyone agrees, and hopefully the little one will get the message quickly. But a baby at this age should not be getting frequent Time Outs; other techniques should be the mainstay of your limit-setting.
The “room” question is a good one. I think you have to try it and assess her reaction. Although I’m sure that some kids may have a negative reaction to Time Out in their rooms, my observations have been that the “Baby Media” tends to make too big of a deal out of this. I mean, the whole thing with Time Out is to remove the kid from a situation where they are getting out of hand, and also to remove them from the positive reinforcement of being with YOU. Being in their room certainly accomplishes that, and since the Time Outs happen so rarely, a negative association shouldn’t have time to form.
Some kids of course seem to enjoy being in their rooms during a Time Out. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the Time Out isn’t working. Some kids just need the time away from the situation (and from you) to get reoriented and reconstituted; to get their “game faces” back on, just get a little breather. That’s OK. Time Out does not need to necessarily be experienced as a “punishment” in order to be effective.
Thanks for the questions and hope to see you soon!
I used to enjoy being “sent” to my room where all the books and toys were! Not that I ever did anything to deserve it of course…
Mr. Dr. Attiton is very wary of time-outs because he feels that the withdrawal of his attention and affection is too great a punishment for a small child. On the one hand, I totally agree that this sort of action should be reserved (as you say Dr. Heather) for the most serious of occasions. On the other hand, maybe he hasn’t been pushed to the limits that I hear from other parents.
Any mantra you can offer him to remind him that he is not being cruel to the Rabbit, but instead helping her learn? Or do I misunderstand the purpose of time out?
Hi Ilima!
So, you were sent to your room for some (I’m sure) innocuous infraction, and you enjoyed it…but did you repeat the action that got you sent there? THAT’S the key issue; whether it decreases the offending behavior. The method and application of Time Out is most effective when used on an individual basis with each kid — experiment and see how Lehua responds, and then you’ll have your answer!
Hi Dr. Attiton:
I know it pains us all sometimes to have to set a limit. It really does hurt us more than it hurts them, at times. But life’s important lessons can’t always be learned easily.
Remind your hubby that Time Outs should be rare and short-lived, but CONSISTENT. You and he should always agree in advance for what behaviors to target for Time Out, that way you’re not arguing about it when Rabbit does something egregious; your reaction will be automatic, unconflicted and unemotional. And like I said, when it’s over, it’s OVER; no residual guilt-trips or lectures.
Also, remind him that Time Outs (and limit-setting in general) usually work very quickly for most kids…they get the message, and the behavior usually stops (or is minimized) very quickly. So he won’t be having to use them very much anyway.
Just yesterday, we gave our 2-year-old a Time Out for stepping into the street alone from the front yard. That’s an automatic. He knows better, and the safety issues are obvious. I’d rather hurt his feelings now about it than have to worry about him running into the street. We want him to internalize these safety issues. For him, Time Out is what it takes.
Also, tell your hubby I said that intervening with a 2-year-old is WAYYYYY easier than intervening with a 10-year-old, when the behaviors are more entrenched, and Rabbit will have much better ways of defending her behavior. DO IT NOW, so you don’t have to do it (as much) later!
how do i use time out with my 3 almost 4 year old cause nothing is working with him at all. he is becoming a little horrible little thing