I know it pains us all sometimes to have to set a limit. It really does hurt us more than it hurts them, at times. But life’s important lessons can’t always be learned easily.

Remind your hubby that Time Outs should be rare and short-lived, but CONSISTENT. You and he should always agree in advance for what behaviors to target for Time Out, that way you’re not arguing about it when Rabbit does something egregious; your reaction will be automatic, unconflicted and unemotional. And like I said, when it’s over, it’s OVER; no residual guilt-trips or lectures.

Also, remind him that Time Outs (and limit-setting in general) usually work very quickly for most kids…they get the message, and the behavior usually stops (or is minimized) very quickly. So he won’t be having to use them very much anyway.

Just yesterday, we gave our 2-year-old a Time Out for stepping into the street alone from the front yard. That’s an automatic. He knows better, and the safety issues are obvious. I’d rather hurt his feelings now about it than have to worry about him running into the street. We want him to internalize these safety issues. For him, Time Out is what it takes.

Also, tell your hubby I said that intervening with a 2-year-old is WAYYYYY easier than intervening with a 10-year-old, when the behaviors are more entrenched, and Rabbit will have much better ways of defending her behavior. DO IT NOW, so you don’t have to do it (as much) later!

So, you were sent to your room for some (I’m sure) innocuous infraction, and you enjoyed it…but did you repeat the action that got you sent there? THAT’S the key issue; whether it decreases the offending behavior. The method and application of Time Out is most effective when used on an individual basis with each kid — experiment and see how Lehua responds, and then you’ll have your answer!

Any mantra you can offer him to remind him that he is not being cruel to the Rabbit, but instead helping her learn? Or do I misunderstand the purpose of time out?

It varies on the baby, but many are ready by about 10 months to start trying this method out. You want to wait until they give you “that look”; the look that says they KNOW they are about to do something that’s not allowed…and then do it anyway.

I would also reserve the Time Outs for fairly egregious transgressions; behaviors that defy your usual efforts to stop them. Things that involve hurting themselves or others, or otherwise are safety issues (going into the street, etc.). Basically, you want to try everything possible to stop the behavior many, many times at this age before resorting to Time Out. But once the behavior becomes a “Time Out Target Behavior”, it should remain that way, so you’re sending a consistent message. So that means it should be discussed in advance with all the baby’s caregivers, so that it’s a concerted effort, and everyone agrees, and hopefully the little one will get the message quickly. But a baby at this age should not be getting frequent Time Outs; other techniques should be the mainstay of your limit-setting.

The “room” question is a good one. I think you have to try it and assess her reaction. Although I’m sure that some kids may have a negative reaction to Time Out in their rooms, my observations have been that the “Baby Media” tends to make too big of a deal out of this. I mean, the whole thing with Time Out is to remove the kid from a situation where they are getting out of hand, and also to remove them from the positive reinforcement of being with YOU. Being in their room certainly accomplishes that, and since the Time Outs happen so rarely, a negative association shouldn’t have time to form.

Some kids of course seem to enjoy being in their rooms during a Time Out. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the Time Out isn’t working. Some kids just need the time away from the situation (and from you) to get reoriented and reconstituted; to get their “game faces” back on, just get a little breather. That’s OK. Time Out does not need to necessarily be experienced as a “punishment” in order to be effective.

Thanks for the questions and hope to see you soon!