babyshrink.com

Hello Dr. Heather,

My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, a 4-year-old daughter, and a baby due in early August. We are moving across the country about two weeks after I have the baby. My husband will be attending graduate school in our new city. We were settled here and I’m having a really hard time with this. The kids are, too, though not as much as me. My daughter threw a penny in the fountain the other day and said “I wish we didn’t have to move.” My son was really looking forward to starting first grade with his kindergarten friends, and he’s quite upset from time to time, although not every day. Currently, we are still searching for a place to live there, and we have just sold our home here, which we all love, and so everything feels so unsettled.  I moved in the middle of second grade and still remember how traumatized I was by it, although my dad had lost his job, so there were some other difficulties going on in my family. I don’t want to project my childhood onto them, in addition to the sadness I’m feeling now.

My question is, how do I make this transition go as smoothly as it can for them, and how much does my sadness about this situation transfer to them?

Thanks,

You can call me “Emily”.

Dear “Emily”,

Did you see my recent post about moving?  I’m getting lots of questions like that at this time of year.

I do understand your concerns; it’s a big deal for me too; we moved several times in my childhood, and I am pretty sensitive about the issue. Uprooting your life is no small thing. The familiarity of your routine, the process of making new friends, adjusting to new jobs and schools; it’s harder than most people realize. But for young kids, it’s a lot easier.

It sounds to me like the challenge is going to be more for you, not the kids. Wow, Mama, you have your hands full! Moving 2 weeks post-baby? With 2 other little kids? Yowza! That’s a huge job, physically and emotionally. And your past negative experience with moving is likely to haunt you, to some degree.

YES, your kids totally pick up on your emotional reaction to the move. You (and their Dad) are their main emotional signposts, at least until they get to about second grade. In order to get through this with as little stress as possible, you need to lean on your husband as well as anyone else you can; family? Friends? Clergy?  Don’t hold back on asking for help.

Do you have any risk factors for postpartum depression? Please keep that in mind, especially in the 2-week-plus-postpartum period, when PPD is most likely to strike. That much change and stress — moving and a new baby, with two little ones, a whole new city, as well as your own childhood history of the difficult move…it all raises your risk for depression. Ask your husband to help monitor your mood as well. Make sure you hook up with an OB/GYN as soon as you get to your new city — and make sure you go in for a checkup. There are lots of resources available online to help you find a counselor if you need one.

Try to look at it all as an adventure. Help the kids see how to handle change in a positive way. Look at this as an opportunity to have a “re-do” on your own negative childhood experience of moving. This is not the same thing as when you were a kid; this is not an unfortunate turn of events that you all have to live with. This is you and your hubby making a decision for the ultimate good of the family. You have a chance to do it again…but different. Better.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

I spent the day at Evans World Headquarters, letting my two-year-old nap and hang loose with the Evans kids, while my five and seven-year-olds whooped it up at Disneyland with Dad. It was the first time in a year that we’d been behind the Orange Curtain, and it was great to spend time with our awesome friends, despite the challenges of vacationing with three young children.  (I’ll have several posts about that coming up, I promise.) I peeked over Danny’s shoulder as he put the finishing touches on his latest post, and when I saw a link to BabyShrink, I freaked. You see, I’m still (still!) in the process of getting the glitches worked out of my new site redesign. I’ve gotten tons of compliments, particularly about my fantastic logo, created by my old friend and super-talented graphics and brand designer, Glenn Sakamoto. Yet I’ve been furiously (trying to!) communicate with my web guy about what appear to me to be glaring mistakes and problems with the operations of the site. It’s nowhere near perfect yet. Good Enough, but not perfect. And the readership at DadGoneMad is massive, compared to mine. A link from Danny can singlehandedly shoot my readership into the stratosphere. So when he links to me (usually without warning me in advance, like today), I feel the pressure. I’d better have something good posted! And, yikes! What about those broken graphics and disorganized sections?!  

After a mini-meltdown, I asked Danny for advice. What do I write about, now that my site is acting up and you’re sending hoards of DGM fans over to check me out? Write about that, he said, in his minimalist editorial way. Show your readers that their struggles are your struggles, Grasshoppah.

So I’m here at 1 am, scratching out a post in longhand, because the wireless in this hotel sucks. And I’m thinking about the main message here at BabyShrink, the message of Good Enough parenting. Not perfect parenting, just Good Enough. So, just like my imperfect website does a Good Enough job of answering your questions (I hope), it’s all a work in progress; like our kids are, and as we are, as parents.

BabyShrink is about developing confidence as parents, to understand our own unique children, despite what the “experts” (including me) tell you is best.  It’s about trusting the powerful, driving force of development in our kids that amazingly results in a Good Enough outcome, most of the time. It’s about being realistic in this spectacularly miraculous, yet incredibly demanding journey of raising children. It’s about letting go of the need for perfection, and letting go of the need to control how our kids ultimately turn out. And it’s about taking a chill pill when our kids (or our websites) don’t perform up to our (unrealistic) expectations.

I’ve been nurturing BabyShrink along through it’s own developmental stages, and the transition to this latest stage has been a little rocky. And instead of focusing on the successes of the site - a loyal, interested and supportive readership, the ability to reach thousands of parents, not to mention my own deep sense of fulfillment and excitement about the project - sometimes I get lost in the details of what should be happening; what’s not going well. But like a baby learning to walk, it’s a beautiful thing, despite the wobbles. And sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

So I have the privilege of sharing BabyShrink with you, growing pains and all. I hope you find it to be Good Enough.

As always, I welcome your questions. My turnaround time is usually one to two weeks, but I’m still answering every question that’s submitted. I have a couple of posts coming up about summertime challenges and traveling with kids (I’m doing a little bit of “research” on that now!), as well as my first podcast, which will be a series on coping with being a new mom.

And now, I’m going to Disneyland!

Hi Dr. Heather,

My 19-month-old screams at the top of his lungs, “MYYYYYYY” for everything! Yes, we know it comes from not getting his way - most of the time. Quite often, though, we can be happily watching The Backyardigans and he starts screeching out of control for no reason. We’ve tried ignoring, we’ve tried yelling, we’ve even tried bottom-swatting. Help, please!

Landlocked in Louisville,

Amy

Hi Amy,

Little kids need to be able to make noise, and we need to be able to hear ourselves think (once in awhile). With these conflicting needs in mind, you can let them make noise, but only within certain parameters. At 19 months, he is loving the fact that he can consciously control his body and his actions, to a greater degree now. So you have to respect that, and give him an appropriate outlet for for his gleeful screaming. You don’t want to use punishment for something like this; you’ll just risk an escalation of the behavior as part of his naturally being oppositional at this age.

In our house, the kids are allowed to make as much noise as they can possibly create, but only in their bedrooms, the playroom, or outside. The living room and other common areas require “inside voices”.

Explain the new rules to him, once all the adults are on the same page. You want everyone to be consistent if you want the new rules to stick. At 19 months, your little guy will require reminding, but you can make it a game. “You feel like screaming? Let’s go to the screaming room!” and then start screaming your head off, once you’re there. Have him try to scream louder than you. THEN, make a big deal out of using “inside voices” in other rooms. Tiptoe around, talk quietly, have him follow suit; but make it fun. Soon he’ll get the picture!

And check out my Toddlers section for more tips.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink