Comments on: BabyShrink’s Feelings About Pet Loss

By: LorieD

LorieD — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:32:24 +0000

I read this on Tuedsay and my eyes teared up because I know we will soon have to make a decision about our 15yo dog who’s not doing so well. Then last night when I got home, I found our 14yo cat lying on the floor in critical shape. I threw my 2yo inthe car rushed him to the Animal Emergency Clinic. He was in acute kidney failure (probably caused by tumors that they saw on an xray). We made the decision to put put him to sleep to save him a day or two of suffering.

My daughter is only 2 so I know she doesnt have a concept of death and luckily is still self-centered enough that she won’t really notice one of our pets is gone. But she is very stressed out over my grief – seeing me cry makes her cry. I’m telling her it’s okay, that Mommy’s just sad, but everything is fine etc… Any advice?

By: amy

amy — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:47:51 +0000

As with any loss, expect the grief and sadness to pop up periodically and without warning, and then respect that. I nearly cried reading this because stories of pet loss bring up all my memories of losing pets in my life, including when I had to put my horse down. When my grief over Gus-gus springs up (and it still does, even 5 years later), my husband doesn’t always understand. While I can shake off any inadvertently cold response from him, I’m not sure a child could. Sure it’s been a long time, but crikey – I loved that animal!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when we say to let the kid set the pace, part of that pace might include an occasional “two steps back” and that’s okay. Let them take those two steps back, and when they’re ready, they’ll step forward again. When we don’t honor the grief, we bury it instead of dealing with it, and that’s not healthy – for adults or children.

By: mamabigdog

mamabigdog — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:17:44 +0000

I agree with the other posters- let the kids set the pace. If they bring up getting a new pet, then go with that. If they don’t, and you’re wanting a new one, let it slide a few weeks and then approach them about it. Get them involved in the selection process and make it a family event.

Introducing a new pet right away without having the kids involved might stunt their grieving process. When I was a kid, my dog was sent away to a “farm” when we moved to an apartment that wouldn’t allow dogs. My mom got us a cat right away, but I never got over losing my dog.

By: Katie Kat

Katie Kat — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:49:46 +0000

Oh, this one touches me so close to home. I think people are either “animal” people or “it’s just an animal” people. I, for one, do not allow the phrase “it’s just an animal” to be spoken in my presence because I think it’s rude and demeaning.

However, your comment that each child will need a different approach is very true. And I think it depends on their age. In general, I would be very mindful that what you say about an animal’s death will probably stick in the child’s mind as relating to ANYONE’S death, so don’t say you are going to flush the goldfish down the toilet if you don’t want your kid to think that’s what will happen when grandma dies too! Also, there are a lot of good books out there that deal with pet death and explaining it.

For me, it’s a spiritual thing, not a religious one, but it depends on your viewpoint in that regard. I will say the Rainbow Bridge is a wonderful, overall explanation and heartfelt story to help us all feel like our pets are not gone, just waiting for us elsewhere (you can look it up online!)

P.S. Another thing that has comforted me when faced with losing a pet is the knowledge that animals live for NOW only. They don’t fear the future or death, and they accept what happens to them as part of life. And, most importantly, they love completely unconditionally, and forgive us for our human faults! As long as you have loved them completely, they will have been truly happy.

By: Sophie

Sophie — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:43:11 +0000

I am dreading the day we have a pet who dies. So far we haven’t moved beyond fish. One thing I know for sure is that when it happens we will do the whole funeral ceremony thing and talk about it openly as a family.
When I was 9 my beloved cat was run over, and my father said “I am burying him in a trash bag. Do you want to see?”
It wasn’t meant in a nasty way, I think he just felt awkward. But I never forgave him. And then our other cat tried to dig up the grave and it was all a big mess and I was devastated.
My mother handled getting a new pet perfectly (for us). A few months later she was reading the paper and casually mentioned that there were kittens being given away. And knowing her, if any of us had had an objection she would have respected that. As it turns out, we didn’t.

By: Donna from Kansas

Donna from Kansas — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:15:25 +0000

The answer is that there is no stock answer. I think every family will find out on its own when it is time. Sometimes you start out thinking that you will never want another pet, sometimes you know right away that you can’t live without one. The loss has to sit for a while, and percolate through your life until you know the answer. We lost three barn cats in as many years when we moved to our latest home. We have one left. After having to euthanize one and having another just disappear, I voted against purposely getting another. It’s just too sad to bond with them and know that their lives are not as easy as house cats (I am so totally allergic that one little claw prick raises a dime size welt in 30 seconds).

The answer will come when it is supposed to. In the meantime, have lots of tissue ready.