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Boy, this election is sure making people crazy (me included). Everyone’s all wound up about the outcome, and what it means for us. It’s one of those times when major world events come into the awareness of young children. Usually, we shield them from the daily news and it’s usual dose of murder, theft and intrigue. But huge, long-lasting events like war, hurricanes and contentious national elections creep into the consciousness of our children, and we need to help them understand these events — in a developmentally appropriate way.

It ain’t easy.

My friend Brook has some experience in explaining the realities of hurricanes to her kids, since they live in Florida. But she was shocked when another parent went totally out of line and made a “religious/political” statement to her 6-year-old son. I guess what happened is a group of parents in the Playgroup were discussing politics. Then another parent told the kids, “We don’t like Barack Obama, because he kills babies.”

Umm…EXCUUUSE me?

Now, BabyShrink is not the forum for getting into the evil politics behind this kind of statement (but I sort of can’t help myself). I CAN comment on how and why this kind of statement is developmentally inappropriate — and dangerous — to make to a young child.

First of all, a 6-year-old doesn’t understand the religious/political agenda behind such a statement. He doesn’t know that the parent was referring to abortion, or what abortion is. He couldn’t possibly understand the complex scientific and political and religious arguments on either side. And he won’t really begin to be able to START to grasp it until middle school. That’s just developmental fact.

All he knows is that a man who might become president kills babies…at least that’s what a grownup told him. And killing anything is bad…killing cute things like his baby sister is even worse. Scary, shocking and upsetting. Grownups, especially people in leadership roles, are supposed to be dependable, safe, and caring. Making a comment like that undercuts a child’s very foundation; his ability to trust the adult world.

I know many of my readers are with me so far. But now you’re asking, “How the heck do you RESPOND, in a situation like that? What do I tell my child, the next time some idiot adult says something like that?”

It’s tempting to try to protect our kids — especially the little ones — from the harsh realities of life. The fact is that wars, hurricanes, idiot adults, and other terrible things happen. And we SHOULD protect them from these realities, at least until they have the cognitive capacity to begin to understand, and cope with them. But when we have no choice, we need to respond in a developmentally appropriate way, and only with as much information as your child seeks.

For instance, a toddler or preschooler is pretty clueless about the outside world, and when she does get a glimpse of it, she’s likely to interpret it in a sort of storybook/fantasy way. She’s familiar with the “good guys” and the “bad guys” from fairy tales, so stick with that analogy. Keep things simple, and limited to 1-2 short sentences. And end on an upbeat note, reminding her that she is fine, you are going to keep her safe, and everything will be OK.

But after kindergarten, kids start to become more tuned in to the outside world, and they can understand more about the difference between fantasy and reality. And with that understanding comes the realization that adults maybe aren’t so perfect after all; adults can have failings, make mistakes, and do bad things.

So I advised Brook to explain to her son that the other parent said something mean and untrue, and that Barack Obama DOES NOT kill babies, or anyone, for that matter. And to explain why, as parents, they like him very much. And that perhaps the other family was not a family they would be spending much time with anymore, since “we like to spend time with people who make us feel good, not people who scare us.”

Most importantly, we need to control our own reactions when things like that happen. Because our children take their cues on how to react directly from us. Wisely, Brook kept her cool in that situation (and deserves a gold star, at least!). If she had lost it, the impact on her son would have been far more negative. Because our kids don’t care much about what OTHER parents do. They care about what WE do.

The good news is, a stupid comment like that is likely to be soon-forgotten by a 6-year-old, if it’s handled well by his parents.

But I bet the composition of the Playgroup will be a little different, from now on!

My friend Ilima is a highly educated, successful career Mom who reads just about everything, in her capacity as a newspaper reporter. So of course she has come across the American Academy of Pediatrics’ warning about television: No “Screen Time” for children ages two and younger. None. Nada. Zip. And she wonders if this warning is absolute, and how worried should she be about it?

One of my most popular posts dealt with this issue, and I got blasted by the Stonyfield Farms yogurt people, of all things. They obviously hadn’t read my entire post, and who exactly DID write their complaint about me, anyway? But I digress.

The AAP really means business; when they say “no screen time for babies,” they mean it. But how realistic is this? And how should we interpret that advice? We wonder, “Hey, what about a Baby Einstein video now and again, while I fix lunch? Is that really so bad?” Or, for families with older children as well, “How about when the Big Kids come home after school and watch a show as they wind down from their day? What am I supposed to do with the baby while they watch something? Will something terrible happen if the baby catches an episode of Hannah Montana?” And if we’ve been allowing the little ones to watch the tube, we worry about whether we’ve done irreparable damage to their developing minds. Is all of that college-savings money for naught? Little neurons blown away by Sesame Street?

Our “Good-Enough” parenting selves say, Wait a minute. Surely some well-chosen shows watched for a limited amount of time can’t be so horrible.

I say: Your “Good-Enough” instincts are right.

As an Early Intervention psychologist, I pay home visits to evaluate the development of young children. Sometimes, I’m greeted by a huge, blaring television, left on 24/7, with few books or toys to be found. The parents in these homes are struggling with paying bills, keeping food on the table, and other major problems. The children often have developmental delays. Why? Because their parents are struggling to make basic ends meet. Maximizing the psychological and emotional development of their children is an unfortunate luxury they can’t afford. High-quality childcare and access to parenting resources isn’t available to many in this country.

I’m not saying that developmental delays are always caused by poverty and other environmental problems…but it certainly can be a contributing factor in many cases. And in those homes, a TV being left on 24/7 is part of the whole picture of lack of education and resources that contributes to developmental delay.

The AAP statistics on cognitive deficits and TV look at all kinds of households, and don’t discriminate as to the type of television watched. The don’t examine all the factors we’re interested in here at BabyShrink. So again, we’re forced to rely on our our own best instincts as “Good-Enough” parents. Our best instincts tell us that there has to be a middle ground. Based on your comments and emails to me, this is what your instincts are saying:

Don’t leave the TV on as background noise. It takes a lot of mental effort to filter out the constant stimulation, and babies have less ability to do that anyway.

Don’t let babies watch stuff that wasn’t specially created for babies. Minimize the fast-moving shows with quick cuts and changes.

However, don’t beat yourself up if the baby ends up watching some of the “older kids” programs. You can’t create a PERFECT environment, just a GOOD-ENOUGH one.

And your instincts are backed up by research as well. (This is a good synopsis, which shows that the issue is far more complex than a simple “yes or no” rule.)

You as parent are by far the best teacher your baby can have. No TV show can even come close. If you’ve somehow ended up leaving the TV on more and more, re-think how to manage your day and the kids with less TV. Quiet has a way of stimulating creativity, for everyone.

By the same token, it’s OK if your baby watches a little quality TV now and again. Not only is it enjoyable to her, it gives YOU a break for a few minutes. And I’m very interested in supporting you in your ability to get a break from time to time. Because that’s good for YOU — and what’s good for YOU is ultimately good for your whole family.

And the AAP statistics didn’t examine that.

This year, one of our sons is starting kindergarten. Being a second-born, he was “raring to go” to school; he talked about it incessantly over the last few months. When asked if he likes school, he replies, “I don’t LIKE school. I LOVE it!” But the J-Man already knew his teacher before school started; she was his older sister’s teacher two years ago. J-Man also had been going along for school pickups and drop-offs for the past couple of years; he’d had the chance to slowly get used to the school environment. It helped a lot.

But his older sister was more tentative, when she started school. She had to learn the routine from scratch, and didn’t have an older sibling on campus to help make her feel more at home. It took her quite awhile to get into the swing of things. For awhile, we fretted that perhaps we had chosen the wrong school, or she wasn’t in the right classroom, despite the fact that her teacher was a gem.

I’ve gotten several emails lately from parents in a similar situation. “My child just started kindergarten. She acted like she was excited to go, but now that school has started, it’s a real battle. Although she attended preschool with few problems, she’s now clingy, whiny and tearful every morning. Her teacher says she does well after I leave, and when I pick her up, she’s fine. But the next morning, all I get is crying, whining, and begging to stay home. What should I do?”

Of course it tugs at our heartstrings when our little “Big Kid” wants to stay home with us just a while longer. Their tears are surprising. We doubt ourselves, and argue over whether we made the right choice. “Maybe she’s just not ready yet,” we wonder.

But by and large, the protests put up for parents at the beginning of kindergarten are temporary, normal, and not cause for undue concern. We can help our kids get through the transition more easily if we remember where they are developmentally, and have reasonable expectations.

It’s important to understand the developmental issues of a kindergartener. A 5 or 6-year-old still has, in many ways, a preschool mind-set. We expect a kindergartener to be a “Big Kid” and go to the “Big Kids’ School”, yet emotionally, they’re still more similar to the squirrely preschoolers they were last year. Kindergarteners don’t care much about social norms, fitting in with other kids, or achieving well academically. But our current system of education in the US asks them to do just that: act like a “Big Kid”. Yet we can’t realistically expect them to behave that way until sometime in 1st or 2nd grade.

So, what to do? Luckily, most kindergarteners have a rough time for a few days (or few weeks) at most. Then, they’re off and running with the pack, happily ensconced in their classroom, with their teacher and new friends. Here’s what to keep in mind until then:

Talk with your little one about school. Listen to her fears, and clarify any confusion she has about the day. Understanding the flow of the school schedule will help her feel like she knows what’ll be happening after you leave.

Be positive, and don’t entertain a discussion about possibly staying at home. Say, “I know you feel scared. But your teacher will take care of you, and I will be there to pick you up right after school. I know you can do it. You might be scared sometimes, but you’ll have so much fun, too! What a big kid you’re getting to be.”

Rely on the teacher for advice and guidance. She (it’s usually a “she”) is an expert at this, and goes through this every year with several of the kids in kindergarten. She’ll have suggestions for how to best handle drop-offs. Usually, this involves a cheerful goodbye, a quick kiss — and then a purposeful exit.

Hold your own concerns in check until you’ve given your child (and the teacher) a few weeks to settle in. If your child is still upset about going to school, then it’s time to schedule a sit-down meeting with the teacher to explore what might be going on. You’ll also want to observe the classroom in process — unobserved by your child, if at all possible. Even a few minutes watching her will help you decide if her protests are just meant to test you — or if she’s really unhappy there.

Most of the time, kindergarten fears and tears evaporate within a few weeks. By then, we’re left tearfully wondering, “When did my baby get so grown up?”

What are your experiences with kids starting kindergarten? Care to share?

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink