My Kindergartener Hates School. What Should We Do?
September 6, 2008 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Fears, Older Kids
This year, one of our sons is starting kindergarten. Being a second-born, he was “raring to go” to school; he talked about it incessantly over the last few months. When asked if he likes school, he replies, “I don’t LIKE school. I LOVE it!” But the J-Man already knew his teacher before school started; she was his older sister’s teacher two years ago. J-Man also had been going along for school pickups and drop-offs for the past couple of years; he’d had the chance to slowly get used to the school environment. It helped a lot.
But his older sister was more tentative, when she started school. She had to learn the routine from scratch, and didn’t have an older sibling on campus to help make her feel more at home. It took her quite awhile to get into the swing of things. For awhile, we fretted that perhaps we had chosen the wrong school, or she wasn’t in the right classroom, despite the fact that her teacher was a gem.
I’ve gotten several emails lately from parents in a similar situation. “My child just started kindergarten. She acted like she was excited to go, but now that school has started, it’s a real battle. Although she attended preschool with few problems, she’s now clingy, whiny and tearful every morning. Her teacher says she does well after I leave, and when I pick her up, she’s fine. But the next morning, all I get is crying, whining, and begging to stay home. What should I do?”
Of course it tugs at our heartstrings when our little “Big Kid” wants to stay home with us just a while longer. Their tears are surprising. We doubt ourselves, and argue over whether we made the right choice. “Maybe she’s just not ready yet,” we wonder.
But by and large, the protests put up for parents at the beginning of kindergarten are temporary, normal, and not cause for undue concern. We can help our kids get through the transition more easily if we remember where they are developmentally, and have reasonable expectations.
It’s important to understand the developmental issues of a kindergartener. A 5 or 6-year-old still has, in many ways, a preschool mind-set. We expect a kindergartener to be a “Big Kid” and go to the “Big Kids’ School”, yet emotionally, they’re still more similar to the squirrely preschoolers they were last year. Kindergarteners don’t care much about social norms, fitting in with other kids, or achieving well academically. But our current system of education in the US asks them to do just that: act like a “Big Kid”. Yet we can’t realistically expect them to behave that way until sometime in 1st or 2nd grade.
So, what to do? Luckily, most kindergarteners have a rough time for a few days (or few weeks) at most. Then, they’re off and running with the pack, happily ensconced in their classroom, with their teacher and new friends. Here’s what to keep in mind until then:
Talk with your little one about school. Listen to her fears, and clarify any confusion she has about the day. Understanding the flow of the school schedule will help her feel like she knows what’ll be happening after you leave.
Be positive, and don’t entertain a discussion about possibly staying at home. Say, “I know you feel scared. But your teacher will take care of you, and I will be there to pick you up right after school. I know you can do it. You might be scared sometimes, but you’ll have so much fun, too! What a big kid you’re getting to be.”
Rely on the teacher for advice and guidance. She (it’s usually a “she”) is an expert at this, and goes through this every year with several of the kids in kindergarten. She’ll have suggestions for how to best handle drop-offs. Usually, this involves a cheerful goodbye, a quick kiss — and then a purposeful exit.
Hold your own concerns in check until you’ve given your child (and the teacher) a few weeks to settle in. If your child is still upset about going to school, then it’s time to schedule a sit-down meeting with the teacher to explore what might be going on. You’ll also want to observe the classroom in process — unobserved by your child, if at all possible. Even a few minutes watching her will help you decide if her protests are just meant to test you — or if she’s really unhappy there.
Most of the time, kindergarten fears and tears evaporate within a few weeks. By then, we’re left tearfully wondering, “When did my baby get so grown up?”
What are your experiences with kids starting kindergarten? Care to share?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
My oldest has always been the pioneer- I swear she was born 28 years old. She takes to change in a very matter-of-fact manner, so much so that it can almost be disconcerting. I know there are other emotions roiling under the cool exterior, but it takes a crowbar to get her to talk about it.
My youngest is the exact opposite. She worries a lot, and overthinks possible outcomes for whatever change is coming. I believe it may have started in Kindergarten. Her kindergarten year was terrible, mostly because the teacher was not helpful in the least, and her classmates were heathens, by and large. These kids were regularly ganging up against a few others- my daughter included- and their behavior was terrible. The teacher nearly NEVER intervened, and that of course made for even more upset for everyone. We moved the next year to a new school district where both of my kids were MUCH happier, and where we remain to this day.
I think there are lots of things that contribute to a kid’s dis-ease at school- from being away from Mom, to feeling left out, to being afraid of the teacher but not knowing how to articulate that, to the weird food in the cafeteria, there’s plenty of landmines. I’d say that if any of this behavior lasts more than a month into the new school year, it’s time for a sit-down with the teacher, and then if that doesn’t work and it’s still going on, seek a counselor. We did for the youngest, and it really helped us better understand what was happening with her. Best of luck… MBD
I use something called social stories to help my daughter make big transitions. I got the idea from a special ed teacher who works with children with autism. She uses them for everything from hallway behavior to dealing with the chaos of a fire drill. I use them for big stuff like moving across country or going to a new school. For school, I got permission to take pictures of my daughter and the building, inside and outside, the director, and her teacher. I took a few of my daughter with her new backpack and at different places in the classroom. Then, we printed the pictures and made a book about going to school. For example: Mommy and Ela drive to school (picture of us pulling out of the garage). Ms. Sabrina always says good morning first thing (picture of daughter with director at entrance to school). And so on, for what happens throughout the school day. I also included how she might feel when mommy leaves or when she’s tired or hungry and appropriate responses to those feelings. I’ve found these stories work well for almost anything. My daughter loves to see herself in the story, and I think it really helps to personalize the situation.
MBD:
You remind us that each kid has his/her own personality, and the adjustment to school can be a complicated one. If that’s the case, it’s very worthwhile to spend as much time as possible IN THE CLASSROOM with your kid, working with the teacher and administration, as well as trying things like the “social stories” exercises mentioned by LeAnn in her comment.
The reality is that kids do need to adjust to the social and academic demands of school, in our culture. Do I totally agree with the way the school system is set up, given the facts of early childhood development? Nope. But I guess we have no other choice but to help our kids adapt, just as you say.
LeAnn:
You’re way ahead of me!
Using “social stories” exercises is a great way to help some kids adjust to changes and navigate complex social situations. It’s a form of practice and role play, using picture prompts to assist with the practice.
You can also do “verbal rehearsals”, wherein you talk through “what happens when…..”(you have to go the bathroom; you forget where your cubby is; you miss Mom and Dad….etc.) You can do this in the car or before bed at night. It helps your child to internalize the “thinking-through” process that helps them navigate all the “what-ifs?” that happen each day in school.
Thanks!
I had some challenges with my youngest starting kindergarten a week and a half ago. She behaved as I thought she would. She cried, clung to my leg and said , “I want to go home.” The teacher was very helpful in distracting my daughter and removing her from the situation. Over the weekend we talked about school a lot. Fortunately, her older brother loves school so he was very supportive.
I did a little role playing with my daughter. First, I lowered my head , hunched my shoulders and looked sad. Second, I picked up my head, stood up tall and had a smile on my face. She noticed the difference right away. She demonstrated the same body language for me. I told her I wanted her to walk in to class with her head up with confidence. We practiced and on Monday morning, she did it. She has been confident and strong for five days in a row. Now we have to practice for Sunday school.
Don’t forget the first graders!! My second son jumped out of the van and ran off every morning of kindergarten (except the second day of a substitute teacher experience) and was always happy to get there. So first grade seemed like a shoe-in. But then this year he didn’t get the teacher he wanted (our older son’s first grade teacher, who to us seemed totally disconnected from her job and totally interested in her high-school-senior daughter. We chose the other teacher this time around). And back to school night found him clingy and unsure. The first two weeks we fought crabby if not downright nasty mornings. And three times I left him standing on the curb in front of school, twice after literally kicking him out of the van. The time I walked him to the line he jumped on me and didn’t want to let go.
Fortunately for me, I have a job at our high school and I had no choice but to tell him things would be all right and walk away. Every time he was fine when the bus brought him to the high school at the end of the day. Had I not HAD to leave, I would have been sorely tempted to indulge the fear. Now, four weeks in, he is back to jumping out of the van with only a blown kiss instead of the face-plastering I was getting a week ago.
I got some help getting him off in the morning by showing him the selection of snacks I was keeping in the car for him after school. I think having something to look forward to was a help. And he really does have to get something in his tummy right away, or he is a seething mess (something we saw a LOT after school last year, before we figured out he needed a snack NOW!!!!!) :0)
HOT WIFE:
Just today, our kindergartener had his FIRST day of reluctance going to school — after his TWENTY SECOND day in class. We had to sit with him for 45 minutes until he was ready to “go back into the fray”….this is the kid who has LOVED school every second until today.
I guess it’s a good reminder that kids move forward and backwards in their developmental process….we ALL do…and that changes in their attitude, thoughts and feelings are often surprising. All we can do is stay focused on the present, and where they are RIGHT NOW…forgetting where they “should be”.
(Can you tell I’m lecturing myself?!)
DONNA FROM KANSAS:
It’s a great example of what I just experienced today (see my comment to Hot Wife!)…they do move a couple of steps ahead….then inexplicably move steps back, sometimes…
We went through a similar experience when our daughter was in 1st grade last year. A first grader, in many respects, is closer emotionally to a kindergartener/preschooler. They have to be “big kids” so long, for every school day…sometimes it’s just too much.
And your point about IMMEDIATE SNACKS after school is a good one…our J-Man gets NUTS if he doesn’t get something immediately…he does not even realize he’s hungry, but watch out! He’s miserable until he eats.
Thanks!!
Hi: My kindergartener has one teacher on Mondays and Tuesdays, and a different teacher on Wednesday-Friday. She admits that she does not like her Mon and Tues teacher. It’s a “bad scene” getting out of the car and leaving her at her classroom on those two days. Her teacher on those two days is very nice, as is the other teacher, but my daughter has some kind of hang up about the one teacher anyway. It is now December, and this issue has been in play since early November. Should I just admit to the teacher that my child doesn’t like her, and see what she says? I don’t want to make the teacher feel bad, but I am out of ideas. By the way, we switched Preschools last year as she didn’t like her initial teacher, but I cannot do the same thing for Kindergarten. Please help.
Hi Mel,
A kid that age is not going to get hung up on the social niceties of being polite with the teacher she does not prefer. She’s just going to let her feelings rip.
I would engage her in some serious talk about “what is it about Miss Doe that you don’t like? Tell me something that happened that made you not like her.” You may have to ask several times. Ask with interest and curiosity, not criticism. See what she says.
And yes, I would approach the teacher — not to say “my kid does not like you”, but rather, “we still seem to be having trouble getting Suzie to school. Do you have any ideas? How is she doing during the day? Is she happy during the day, after I leave? Or is something going on in the classroom?”
Open the lines of communication with everyone. You might also talk with the “preferred” teacher about your dilemma, and see if she has any suggestions or ideas.
It’s worth it to start asking, and see where it gets you. Let us know how it goes or if you need more ideas!
A child should NEVER be afraid of his/her teacher. I have been a kindergarten teacher for almost twenty years now and I have never had a child or parent tell me about any fear of me. A kindergarten teacher is everything to that child while at school. I always tell my kids that my most important job is to keep them safe. The classroom should be an inviting, warm and cuddly place where a child feels safe and cared for. If your child is scared of the teacher, get them out and into a new room. Enough said. As far as the age of the child. In California, a kindergartener needs to be five by mid December. Every child I have had who had a late birthday struggles to keep up with the work that a kindergartener is expected to do nowdays. Kindergarten is the new first grade. It is so unfair to the child. I really urge parents who’s child is not five by the end of August, to wait and give your child a chance to mature and time to just be a little kid. You’ll be glad you did.
Good advice! Thanks Rissa!
My kindergartener doesn’t want to go to school, she says she doesn’t like her teacher, and she doesn’t like her classmates. We had a very hard time yesterday taking her to school, she got very upset for 1 and a half I tried to walk her to the gate, she wouldn’t do it. She wanted to go home. Then, she said her teacher pinched her. I got concerned, but since I wasn’t there, so how can I know this actually happened?
She is usually very social, and was excited to go to the same school her daddy went, and now she doesn’t want to know anything about school, and tried to encourage her by telling her she would learn so many fun things, and that pretty soon she would be writing lots of words. she just keeps telling she doesn’t like school. This is her third wk of kinder. She is going to be 5 at the beginning of November. I’m starting to think she’s not ready yet. I’ve seen her school work at home, which looks fine, and a mom that volunteers at her classroom told me “after she calms down, and stop crying she is very good.” I know by other moms that have their kids in first and second grade now, that this teacher is very strict, I remember she did pull her away from me one time that she came running back to me when she realize I was leaving. Should I hide and leave without her knowing? It kills me to see her crying, I’ve never seen her so upset. Is this normal.
Being this the 3rd wk, is this too soon to arrange and appointment with her teacher?
Help Please!
LM
Please talk with her teacher immediately. As I say in the article, she has lots of experience with this — keep trying! Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I finally decided to pull my daughter out of kindergarten. I really believe she wasn’t emotionally ready. Also, from what I volunteered in the classroom and talked with some of the other Moms, I realized that they do try to push so much stuff in kinder. So, I rather have my daughter prepared emotionally, and let her attention spam mature a little more, I’m sure that by next year she would be ready. For now, she is going to pre-kinder three times a week.
Help… My youngest of 3 boys hates kindergarten. We did daycare & pre kindergarten with no out of the normal problems (he is 100% boy). He is having defiant behavior with no care of the consequences. He refuses to do work and tells the teacher “no”. We are working together with the teacher and she has lots of patience for him. Just wondering what else I can do? We are trying all different kinds punishments at home (loss of toys, time outs etc…) but he does not care. He cries every morning, says he hates school and wants a new teacher. He is so different then my other two, I am lost on what to do next.
My five year old grandaughter started kindergarten this year and went to school a little apprehensive, but fairly well for two weeks. She now complains with her stomach every morning (to the point of vomiting)and cries. She has done the same while in school and her appetite is far from normal. The past few days she has started chewing her nails to the point of making her fingers sore. If she sees or hears the school bus before being at the driveway she goes into this immediate frenzy(to the point of lashing out, not listening and hitting).My daughter has taken her to her pediatrician and they have found nothing medically wrong. Our next step is to talk with her teacher. We don’t know how to help her. Any suggestions?
I’m wondering what the difference is this year for him, since he was fine before in preschool. Is it a much larger group of kids? Is the routine much different? Is the personality of the teacher “rubbing him the wrong way”? Does he perhaps have too much freedom in this classroom? Have you observed him — without him noticing, if possible — to see what your parents’ intuition says about the situation? Keep at it until you find a solution — don’t give up! He is still very young, and you CAN turn this around for him to make it a good experience. Let us know what happens!
Hi Brenda –
Sorry this response has taken so long! Your comment got lost somehow in my system. I’m wondering if your granddaughter has shown signs of anxiety before this. Is she a “nervous”, fearful type? If so, you might have an anxiety problem on your hands. But her symptoms of vomiting sound pretty extreme — is it possible there still may be an undiagnosed medical problem? Don’t give up on that idea.
But the best place to start is in the classroom. What does the teacher say? Have her parents observed her (without her knowing) in the classroom? I would also suggest observing the classroom without her in it to see what kinds of kids and interaction typically take place. Is it too active for her? Is it too unstructured? Is the teacher’s personality a good match for her? Did something upsetting possibly happen on the bus? What is everyone’s best understanding of why this is happening? Then have a sit-down with the teacher to make a plan to have this go better for her. Take it slowly but surely.
I would suggest a step by step approach to figuring this out. Let her know that she needs to go to school — but that you and her parents will be there every step of the way to make it better for her. For now, consider taking her in the car — not on the bus, to minimize possible complications. Try these steps and let us know how it is going!
I’ve just spent my whole morning reading comments about kindergarteners who are having a hard time getting used to school. As I have been having some problems as well with my 4yr. old daughter going to JK I needed to find some advice from other parents or to see if this was a fairly common problem with little scholars.
My daughter, I know, has been going through separation anxiety. She cries everyday whether it be a not-so-good morning or afternoon for her. I just found out from the teacher last Friday that she was being a little stubborn and starting kicking and slamming doors and had to be sent to another room with a program support teacher. She’s even more upset when there is a supply teacher (which seems to happen more than I’d like).
As we are now almost into November, I’m getting a little worried about her. Should the seperation anxiety have subsided by now? I want her to know that she’s going to a happy place where the teachers care about her and teach her lots of great and interesting things but she would rather stay home. Help?
Gail, have you had a sit-down with the teacher yet? Asking for her feedback and ideas is the next step. And make sure to schedule it in advance, without your child present, so you can both really concentrate.