Archive for September, 2008:
My Baby is Difficult to Console. What Should I Do?
Is my baby just “difficult”, or is there something wrong? And if I do have a “difficult” baby, is there anything I can do about it? BabyShrink reader Tina is struggling with this issue. She writes:
Dear Dr. Heather,
I need some good advice on how to stop my 2-year-old from screaming for everything she wants. She doesn’t yell just for fun; it is always out of anger. I hate to sound negative, but she really has seemed like a miserable soul from day one. She was a very hard baby to console as an infant, she is strong willed, and throws huge tantrums. I have tried telling her to ask mommy quietly, and that works a little, but she keeps doing it. The tantrums we pretty much ignore as much as possible until she calms down and then we talk to her, but is that doing much good? She also screams out in the middle of the night. 
Another problem is that she won’t go to anyone but me, not even her daddy! This really bothers me and I don’t know how to handle it because it makes me feel very trapped. She is OK after a bit of crying if I leave her with someone, but if I’m there, she wants nothing to do with anyone else. Is that normal?
Thank you for whatever advice you can offer, because I don’t know where else to turn.
Tina
Dear Tina,
Like many parents out there, you are having a tough time with your little one’s behavior. You wonder whether there is something “wrong”, per se, or if this is simply her personality and temperament? And if so…what then?
You ask about your daughter preferring you to all other adults. It is common for a toddler to show a strong parental preference for one parent over the other. And this changes over time; when she’s three or so, she’ll likely start becoming more interested in her Daddy.
I’m worried that you feel she has been “miserable” since she was born. First, find out if there’s a medical or developmental problem. Start with her pediatrician, and share your concerns. Are there digestive problems? Some other medical concern? Get treatment for that first. Some pediatricians have a good “take” on infant temperament, and might have something helpful to suggest in that regard as well. You can also ask for a referral to a pediatrician who specializes in Developmental/Behavioral pediatrics. These are specialists who are trained to evaluate child behavior and temperament more fully. They may also be “plugged in” to a larger group of Early Intervention specialists who can help too.
In the process, it would be worthwhile for you to look into the Early Childhood Intervention programs in your area to see if there is someone who can help you with this. All communities in the United States have a free program that will evaluate the development of any referred child, from ages 0-3. They will look at all domains of your baby’s development (including social and emotional development), and offer intervention services, if needed. Ask your pediatrician’s office for the name of your local agency. It’s important to know that your baby’s development doesn’t just refer to rolling over, walking, and talking. Her emotional and social skills are a crucial part of her development as well.
If this is not a medical or developmental problem, it could be a problem in the parent/infant relationship itself. All babies are different, and some have truly challenging personalities. Some parents are lucky enough to have a complementary temperament; they can “roll with” their challenging baby’s antics. But most of us struggle with frustration as our challenging babies “push our buttons”.
What strikes me about your question is the fact that you feel “trapped” and helpless. This isn’t so unusual, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. But it does show that you need help and support in dealing with your daughter.
There are a few well-trained therapists out there who specialize in Parent/Infant Therapy; they work with the parent(s) and baby together. They seek to understand the unique personalities of the parents and the baby involved, and help everyone cope and adjust better. One of my Child Development Heroes, Dr. Donald Winnicott, wrote that “there is no such thing as a baby”. A baby cannot exist alone. There is only a parent AND a baby, together. Therefore therapy can’t be focused on only the infant; the main caregivers need to be involved as well.
This kind of therapy is extremely effective. Please don’t hesitate to try it if you need it. I also suggest that you reach out to other friends, family and community resources to help you feel more supported in what sounds like a lonely struggle for you.
You can also read Stanley Greenspan’s The Challenging Child. Dr. Greenspan is an excellent resource on child development, and the book is in paperback.
I’d also like to hear from other readers out there who have struggled with the temperaments of their babies. What tips can you share with Trina?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Is This Daycare Right for My Child?
Hi Dr. Heather,
My son turned 3 in July and was potty trained in April of this year. Therefore he had four months before he started in a daycare that required him to be fully potty trained.
I have now been blindsided yesterday with an official letter stating they will not be able to continue providing him care. Last Thursday he had four BM accidents in one day, but this was a first. Do State regulations allow them to kick him out for this?
It’s also upsetting to me that the Director mailed a letter I got on the weekend, with no way to contact her until Tuesday.
What are your thoughts? 
Thanks, Linda
Hi Linda,
In general, daycare programs have some flexibility in terms of how they interpret the rules. Often, it depends on the Director, and how she chooses to implement them.
4 accidents in one day? Sounds like your little guy might have had a touch of the “runs”. Perhaps you could ask if they make any exceptions for illness. You can’t know in advance if your kid is going to get the “runs”!
The other issue is whether this is the right place for your son. What is your relationship like with the Director and teachers? Ideally, you would select a daycare center where you have a strong working relationship with all the staff, including the boss. Issues like this come up all the time in daycare. You want to feel comfortable that you and the staff can easily chat with each other when things arise. The fact that you were blindsided by a letter concerns me. Why wouldn’t she just stop you to mention her concerns at pickup time? Or at least give you a quick call? Would she write you a letter too if your son had gotten hurt during the day? You want to feel like the lines of communication are open. It makes me wonder if perhaps you might consider your options for other daycare.
Often, parents are told to check if a daycare center is licensed and accredited by an early childhood program, like the National Association for the Education of Young Children. While I agree that accreditation and licensing are important, it’s only the beginning. You must do your own investigation of the place before you decide what’s best for your child. Don’t just accept the first place that has an opening for you, or go on a center’s “reputation”. Much of your satisfaction in a daycare will have to do with the quality and personality of the specific caregivers and teachers. There’s simply no substitute for finding out about the people who will be spending hours a day with your baby.
Here’s a quick rundown of things to consider in deciding on a daycare for your young child:
What do the other parents say about the center? Are they satisfied? Are their children happy to go to the daycare?
What kind of staff turnover do they have? You want a place where the caregivers like their jobs, feel supported by the Director, and stay at the center for more than just a few months. And how long has the Director been on the job, as well?
Ask the Director how they handle issues such as the one mentioned by Linda. Will they call you or chat with you, or will you have to wait for an “official” letter? You want the lines of communication to be freely open. You want to get a daily verbal report on how your child’s day went, and any changes in the center.
Talk directly with the caregivers who will be responsible for your child. How long have they been at this center? Do they enjoy their work? What kinds of children do they consider challenging? What do they like most about their work? Let them know that you will be an involved parent who is willing to be a cooperative partner in caring for your child, and who also wants to know what’s going on at the Center on a daily basis.
Observe your child at play at the center. You know your child best. How does she respond to the caregivers and environment? If the center won’t allow parent observations….KEEP LOOKING.
If the staff don’t seem to have time for your questions, or convey the feeling that you should be grateful to be accepted into the program…KEEP LOOKING. I know it can be hectic finding daycare arrangements, and parents often feel they have no choice. Don’t ever accept that. I’m here to tell you that there are always options, if you’re willing to look around, ask questions, and be patient. The time you take to find the right daycare will be more than worth the hassle in the long run!
Many of us have “daycare horror stories”, and have learned the hard way how to find quality childcare. Can you give some other tips to Linda, and other parents out there who are struggling to find the right daycare?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
