latest news
Hope for Postpartum Depression: A Podcast
Here at BabyShrink, I get emailed questions from all over the world. Many of these make it onto the site; questions about potty training, TV-watching, and poop-smearing (which is my most-read post, if you can believe it!)
But there are other questions; questions too pained and personal to be published. Questions from mothers desperate about the difficulty of having a new baby. Questions from grandmothers, worried about the dark circles under their daughter’s eyes. Questions from husbands, worried that their wives (and marriages) might never be the same after the birth of their baby.
In our Lamaze class, we met several couples. You know how it is; you can’t help bonding with other couples going through the same trial-by-fire. You stay in touch with some of them. Others fade away, but you always recognize each other, say “hi” at the grocery store, and ask about their child, who is the same age as yours.
There was one couple we met and really liked. But they never seemed to follow through on suggestions of get-togethers. When we ran into them, they seemed fine. But they weren’t.
Quite by accident, I found out that the Mom had suffered a terrible, crushing postpartum depression after the birth of their baby. They never came to us — knowing we were both psychologists — and suffered alone.
I was stunned to have been so clueless about the pain they went through. Luckily, they eventually got help, and all is well now. But I never forgot about the terrible shame and hopelessness that must have driven them into silence.
I know there are many more of you out there, similarly suffering in silence. I hope that this, my first BabyShrink podcast, can help.
There are many people to thank in the launching of this podcast. Ilima Loomis, who helped me see that a podcast was the perfect vehicle for communicating with new mothers, who are alone and up with the baby at night. Heather Sanders, for my tech-support and visual flair extraordinaire, Glenn Sakamoto, my most tireless and knowledgeable supporter and designer, Danny Evans, who made BabyShrink happen, and his lovely Hot Wife, my BFF and straight-shooting reviewer. I also want to thank the women and families who have opened up the most frightening and painful chapters of their lives to me, to help me understand how best to help others.
I’m also collecting stories of recovery. If you’ve suffered from PPD and come through to the other side, please post a comment here to encourage others to get help….and send the message that you CAN feel better.
Note: This is a 16-minute podcast. It downloads to your player OR your computer in less than one minute, with a broadband connection.
I’d be happy to speak up. I suffered from PPD. Every day was a burden. Every thought was filled with fear of the future.
Ever since I realized what was going on and got some direct help, though, I’ve been wondering, “What could I say to a new mother if I learned (or recognized) that she was going through the same thing?”
I could only think of the ever-so-unhelpful things that I heard from other mothers when I was going through it. Not being a therapist, not being trained to help others, the only thing that I have come up with has been lovingly reconfirmed here by Dr. Heather:
“It will NOT always feel like this. Getting help is not an admission of failure. We are not meant to do this alone, no matter what. We are not meant to do this alone.”
Six weeks ago, I was standing in my kitchen sobbing and screaming “I hate this baby SO MUCH!”
I am not proud of that moment. It was terrifying.
But I got help, and that’s the key. There are people who can help. I got a therapist, and I talked to my husband and my mother and other relatives and friends and Thank God they totally came through.
I have a sign printed out and posted on my bedroom closet door (where I can see it from bed):
This too shall pass. It will get better!!
I am a PPD survivor! I had my son in July 2007 after a difficult pregnancy. I was so relieved that he was full term and healthy. After not being able to breastfeed and feel immense guilt over that I started to sink in depression. Add in a lack of sleep and no family support (I live thousands of miles from family) I got PPD. I can remember not wanting to hold my son, wishing he would just go away, crying non-stop, having panic attacks when left alone with him. I was very lucky that at my 6 week follow up appointment that I was given a PPD screening questionare, which I failed miserably. This started the ball rolling to me getting help. I was given a social worker to plug me into the resources available to me, I got on medication, started going to therapy and best of all I got an in home new parent support case worker who still comes to my house twice a month to work with my son and I. I was very very lucky that my husband is in the military and we get all of this covered under our benefits. My son is 15 months old now and I love him dearly, he is the best thing that ever happend to me, I love to hold and cuddle him, I love his smile and laugh, and I love being his mommy. After his birth I would not have believed these feelings were possible but with medication and help I have recovered. I think those of us who have survived PPD need to speak out. 1 in 10 will suffer from this. There needs to be no stigma attached to having PPD so that women who are suffering will be open to getting help. I also think that the primary care doctors and medical community needs to be more aware of this and screen for it. I was lucky, my military hospital does do screening and was able to help me get help.
I’m due in 2.5 weeks. I have a history of depression. I am scared of PPD. I posted today, actually about being proactive should you know you’re at risk for it (I’m chronically depressive to begin with).
To Dr. ATTITON, MORAHLAURA, KITTY and “C”:
Let me say first of all that your comments are so appreciated. The best help we can offer to others is to show them that things WILL improve.
ATTITON:
You point out the powerful feelings of hopelessness in depression. It’s insidious: it makes you feel like NOTHING can help. Sometimes the only thing to do is “fake it until you make it”…meaning taking steps to get help, EVEN IF YOU DOUBT IT CAN WORK. If you need to do it for someone else, at first….the baby, your husband, a friend…so be it. Eventually, your own feelings of wanting to feel healthy and good again will re-emerge and take over. But nothing can happen if you don’t try.
MORAHLAURA:
The crushing burden of having a newborn is a shock. Nobody expects to feel that way. And your sharing the darkest times with others….lifts the heavy veil for them, if just for a moment. It says that you’ve been there…recently…and you’re already feeling much better. I’m so glad you are getting help…and I’m so glad you commented!
KITTY:
I have written before about the breastfeeding pressure that I think puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on Moms. And what I have suspected has turned out to be true: PPD CAN be worsened or triggered by the societal pressure to live up to some kind of standard of supposed “perfection”….The most important thing for the baby is to have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY MOTHER, breastmilk be damned. (Yeah, I said it!) I would way rather you feed your baby formula if it means you are going to be able to feel stable, happy and healthy.
I will be posting a link to the Edinburgh Depression Scale, a free PDF that you can download and take to your primary care provider, for those who might need it. Thanks for posting, and keep up the good work!! Sounds like you’re doing great!
“C”
YES, you are at higher risk for depression, although by no means is it guaranteed. In such cases it’s a really good idea to have an already-established relationship with a therapist, so that if you do start to slide into depression, you don’t then have to start looking for a therapist you like and trust. Better you know who to call ahead of time. When you’re depressed, the last thing you want to do is to start screening and interviewing possible shrinks! GOOD LUCK and keep us posted.
KITTY:
Did you catch this post on the pressure to breastfeed, and what a disservice I think it does for Moms?
http://babyshrink.com/2008/04/the-%e2%80%9cgo.html
Dr. Heather,
Yes I saw the posts about the breastfeeding. I really do feel at peace now with my decision to give my son formula. Obviously I didn’t have a choice since I wasn’t producing milk. I think it helps now that very few of the age-mates of my son are being breastfed. So it’s no longer a topic. We have moved onto solid food discussions. I know that when I have my second child that I will just go straight to formula. I also know that I will be at a higher risk for PPD again and will get help immediately if it starts up. And most importantly if I do suffer from PPD again I know what to do and that it will pass with help and medication. There is power in that knowledge!!!
Dr. H,
You are doing a great thing for women and their partners. Being a new mom can be a frightening and lonely experience. Shine the light, my friend.
I think I’ve talked here before about my PPD. It is so isolating, and the failure and guilt are just unbelieveable. For those who have suffered with depression prior to having kids, this can open up whole new ways for you to feel miserable. Be prepared, know the signs, and get help early!
The thing that really made me mad, and continues to, is when moms tell first-time moms-to-be how “perfect” everything will be once the baby comes, how “natural” they’ll feel as a mother, and how they’ll just “love that baby like you’ve never loved anything in your whole life”. I’ll tell you, I felt lied to once I went through this, and later found out how many of those “spreading the sunshine” were all hiding their own PPD and could have actually helped by telling the truth for a change.
My best friend lives 600 miles away, and when I went to her baby shower, I told her the truth about how things might be. We’d known each other for 25 years, and knowing her history I knew what was coming. After her baby came, I called regularly to check in, and helped her through it as best I could from a distance. Months later, she told me how glad she was I’d told her the truth, unlike all those women at her shower who didn’t. That’s what friends are for.
Mamabigdog,
Oh my gosh I wish someone had told me the truth about how life was going to be immediately after having a baby. I had this misconception that I was going to feel immediately in love with my son — just like the movies. The truth is I FELL in love with him. It took me getting to know him and to get out of the fog of depression before I could actually say I loved him. I felt RESPONSIBLE for him immediately but it took time for those gushy lovey feelings to happen. I was completely unprepared for how much selfless work it was caring for a newborn.
Kitty,
That’s exactly my point. First time moms are completely unprepared for what awaits them at home, once hubby goes back to work and everyone is gone, and it’s just you and the baby. Unless you’re from a family where you’ve been the oldest of seven kids, and dealing with babies is old hat, then you’re in for a surprise especially after those PPD-enhancing hormones kick in. You can’t understand why you’re so miserable, when clearly “everyone else” is simply blissful and serene in their perfect natural mother-sense, at one with the baby since he popped out.
Give me a break. Having babies is no picnic. It’s hard work, the hardest you’ll ever do, but also the most rewarding in the long run. And it’s a long run- like for a lifetime.
How about TeenShrink? Young AdultShrink? AgingParentShrink? MidLifeCrisisShrink? We could use some of Dr. Heather’s good common sense that we don’t have to be perfect in those stages too. Just good enough.
MBD and KITTY:
This is exactly the reason I chose PPD as my FIRST podcast topic: There are SO MANY MOMS out there who suffer needlessly and alone after they bring home that new baby. This is an essential message that needs to get out there.
I’m working on ways to get a larger audience for this, and I will keep you all posted on ways you can continue to help other readers who are suffering alone. YOUR voice — as Moms who have suffered (and come through to the other side) are at least as loud and important as my so-called “expert” voice.
This is such an important mission and I thank you for your continued support. And I also thank you for the many Moms who read your comments every day — but don’t have the confidence to post a comment themselves.
To you lurkers — we’re glad you’re here!
I am so glad you did this! I suffered some minor depression, mostly having to do with the fact that my preemie babies had to stay in the hospital after I came home…and with my son, I felt he had sub-standard care, and it tore me apart that I couldn’t do anything about it. But, I do remember feeling like my hormones had gone and jumped off a cliff. You are a different person after your baby is born. A completely different person, with the responsiblity of caring for a baby. It’s overwhelming and completely understandable that women need help getting through it.
I suffered from depression before I had my daughter, and did not find out until AFTER I had her, that I could have “upped” my meds in the last month or so to sort of stave off some of the depression I was a little more predisposed to feel after she was born. So that’s one suggestion I would make – if you’re already on meds, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about how to prepare.
I also felt lied to by family, friends, and even society in general! I thought as soon as I had my baby, I’d fall in love with her and all my doubts would disappear, but they didn’t. I had a very difficult delivery (emergency c-section) and didn’t get to hold her for over 8 hours after she was born. Because they had to put me under for the c-section, I felt disconnected and lost about how I felt. I thought it would subside with time, but it didn’t. The overwhelming feeling of resentment I had was horrible! I remember looking at her and saying “I wish you’d NEVER BEEN BORN!” My anger and frustration left me feeling like a failure, and that, along with hardly any sleep (she was colicky for over a year!) was a surfire path to PPD.
I think a lot of what made it hard for me was that I was older when I had my daughter (40), I’d been independent and self-sufficient until I married my husband at 37, and I was NOT the one that wanted a child. I knew how important it was for my husband, and I thought that would be enough for me to learn to love it. But my internal fears about having a child and what that would do to my OWN life and future with my new husband really ended up overpowering my sincere desire to make his dream come true.
In the end, I have come to understand my new role and truly, HONESTLY love being a mom. But it was only with the help of an adjustment to my meds, getting some part-time help so I could get out by myself, and eventually going back to work. I think one key to helping prevent PPD is knowing what YOU want. If you don’t think you want to stay at home, then DON’T! If you feel like having a baby will cause you to lose your identity as a working woman, a social person, or whatever else you identify with, then make plans BEFORE you have the baby to still allow those things in your life.
It will get better, but don’t just live on that platitude. TALK TO PEOPLE and use each and every outlet for help you can find. And one other HUGE key – no matter HOW you have to do it, FIND A WAY to get at least 5 consecutive hours of sleep a night (don’t laugh!). That makes more difference that you can possibly imagine.
Sorry this is so long! I just want moms out there to know it’s NOT always all perfect and blissful, and that’s okay! I would guess the majority of women do have at least a little PPD… it’s much more the norm than the exception. Don’t suffer in silence.
MOMO:
There is some research to indicate what you and I already know by experience: When the delivery process is stressful and does not go as planned, it increases the chances of having some kind of depression/anxiety reaction later. Sort of like a post-traumatic stress thing. The disappointment and worry about having things go differently than planned…plus the worry about the baby’s health…it’s not all “balloons and teddy bears”, as we’d imagined and hoped.
I agree, you ARE a different person after becoming a Mom. One of the most difficult things about it is that you have no way of knowing exactly how it will impact you until you have that baby in your life. So advance preparation is only useful to a certain degree. It’s just one of those things in life that you can never really understand until it happens to you.
KATIE KAT:
Thank you for posting this. Your honesty, and the stories of other Moms here, will help all the lurkers out there who are searching for hope and help.
Your tip about getting a 5-hour stretch of sleep per night is actually rooted in science; did you know that? Getting a good stretch of sleep — between 4-5 hours at once, is actually way more restorative than say 6 hours, broken up into smaller chunks. Many of us have been forced to learn this lesson the hard way :} but it really bears keeping in mind. You feel MUCH more sane with a solid stretch of sleep each night. I advise new Moms to to any lengths possible to work out this arrangement with their partners.
I think your story about having a child later in life is also very relevant to many of BabyShrink’s readers. By the time we get successful in our profession, we get somewhat set in our ways, and feel used to being competent and organized in life. Then this tiny baby comes along and manages to single-handedly turn everything upside down; and make us feel INCOMPETENT, to boot. Certainly a recipe for stress, anxiety, and depression.
But as you and the other commenters are pointing out — you’ve made it to the other side! By reaching out and getting help — I hope that any reader out there who is suffering in silence feels encouraged to TAKE THOSE FIRST STEPS to getting help. It works!
I wish I had seen this article 17 months ago. I had a long and traumatic labor. I was disappointed in how things turned out. I felt like I was in a fog for the first 6 months. When I went to see my OBGyn in regards to nonstop crying(3 weeks after the birth)he gave me zanax and sent me on my way. Why isn’t there some required exam a week after birth for the new mom??? I think the worst part was my husband comparing my lack of sleep and being miserable to the midnight shift he used to work. To this day he still doesn’t get the difference. My son was recently diagnosed with having a minor form of Sensory Integration disorder and I blame myself for it b/c of how I was the first few months of his life. I think there is so much pressure for moms now a days. We get it from the breastfeeding issue, staying home or working and then we have to see how fantastic the celebrities are doing two days after they give birth while we haven’t showered and are wearing our husband’s pants b/c our stomachs haven’t gone away. Sorry for the rant, but I think society needs to wake up.
I had my son two years ago (we just celebrated his birthday on Saturday!). He was 5 weeks early, spent quite some time in the NICU, and was sent home with us – at the start of retail hell season – a/k/a The Holidays (my hubby works in retail). Hubby took some time off, but couldn’t take much, considering the time of year. Thus, I was home – ALONE – ALOT – with baby. I hated the baby. Yelled at him to stop crying, told myself that the cry-it-out method does apply to newborns, and, generally wished he would go away. We had no bond. I passed muster when people were around. I played the doting role. I didn’t want the shame of the stigma of PPD attached to me. One night, I snapped. I called my husband and told him that if he didn’t get home I was throwing the baby out of the window – literally. He was home instantaneously – with my OB on the phone. Immediately, I was put on Zoloft. Many months later, I admitted to others what I went through. It’s good conversation when you find out that they, too, lived on Zoloft for those months after the births of their children!
My advice: get the drugs. There’s no shame in having a drug in your system that helps regulate your hormone balance. Your body has just undergone the most massive transformation ever. It needs help to heal – in every way, shape and form. My best wishes to anyone who reads this!!!