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Is “Attachment Parenting” Bad for the Child?
Dear Dr. Heather,
Does breastfeeding past 2 years of age encourage dependency? I know a child who is still breastfeeding and has become very whiny and attached to her mother. The mother is making no effort to wean the child. Is this type of emotional attachment healthy for the child? She still wakes up to nurse during the night and sleeps in the parent’s bed.
Thanks,
Concerned about a child
Dear “Concerned”,
This is a polarizing issue that tends to bring out strong opinions. There is a community that promotes an approach called “Attachment Parenting“, based on the work of well-known pediatrician and author William Sears, MD, and one of they key tenets of this approach says that “extended breastfeeding” (past the age of two years) is recommended and important to the development of a child to promote a solid sense of safety and security. However, their key tenets are only based loosely on well-known child development research, and Attachment Parenting certainly has it’s critics.
One of the things I do like about Attachment Parenting (AP) is it’s understanding of the cultural differences that exist in families around the world, and the promotion of various ways of raising a family that can resonate more fully with various non-Western cultures. For instance, many Asians traditionally — and happily — share a family bed, or a family bedroom, as is suggested by AP. I also like the fact that AP promotes the reliance on the family’s own resources to know what is best for their children; we don’t have to rely on outside “experts” for everything. AP is also well-known for it’s insistence that the attachment between infant and mother is essential to the development of a healthy baby, both physically and emotionally. That message sometimes gets lost, or diluted, in Western cultures.
The problem I have with AP is that it’s adherents often tend to be quite orthodox in their beliefs. I myself have been sternly lectured for simply using a stroller (as opposed to “baby-wearing”, another AP belief), as well as for using a bottle to feed my baby in public. Of course, this is the opposite of the intolerant demagogues who criticize breastfeeding in public — it’s their shared judgmental strictness that bothers me most.
The other concern I have is that it takes a blanket, “one-size-fits-all” approach to all children. Some babies don’t want to be held all the time. Some babies need time without physical contact to “decompress” from all that physical stimulation. Some babies don’t do well breastfeeding either, and many babies sleep better when they’re not disturbed by the direct physical contact of their parents. And your approach to raising your babies has to be dependent, at least partially, on the unique constitution of those babies. You’ve seen me write about sensory differences here at BabyShrink, and I know far too many babies who have these quirks and preferences to be comfortable giving a blanket statement about “baby-wearing”, breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. In our family, only 1 of our 3 children enjoyed being held all the time; the other two needed “time-outs” from direct physical contact in order to look around and “process” all of that physical contact. They (and I) both felt better for a little break now and again, and I used bouncy seats, strollers and cribs regularly for these breaks. It simply isn’t fair to criticize parents who accurately judge the needs of their babies to include a little “down time”, or to make them afraid that they risk their child’s optimal development if they use a stroller or have their crib in their own room.
If you’ve read other BabyShrink posts, you won’t be surprised to hear me say that I strongly support the uniqueness of each individual family to best decide the individual needs of each of their unique babies. And to that end, I say that if it works for a family to have a family bed, or for mom to breastfeed for over two years, I’m not going to criticize that. However, I have met many families who suffer negative consequences of making those decisions, but stick with them in the false belief that it’s what’s best for their children. Often, an AP family will come to see me for a problem related to the development of their toddler. When I start to gather more information, guess what? Mom is exhausted, usually because she has been unable to sleep through the night since the day her baby was born; she’s often still nursing several times a night. And her husband is grumpy because he can’t get any “alone time” with his wife, and he’s sick of being kicked through the night by a toddler who gets bigger by the day. So mom is beyond exhausted, dad is frustrated and distant, and the toddler becomes the focus of the problem. Everyone suffers in this scenario. In this situation, my advice often includes the suggestion to transition the toddler into his own bed, in his own room, to restore some balance in the lives of the couple. The relationship needs attention, too! If the parents don’t have a strong relationship, the development of the child will surely suffer. And if the child needs to sleep in his own bed, and be weaned from breastfeeding, that is a small price to pay if it serves the purpose of bringing the parents back into a more harmonious relationship.
So, “Concerned” reader, I can’t say that “extended breastfeeding” will hurt the development of the child, without knowing all the other factors in the family. It remains the responsibility of the family to determine what’s best for them — and for their child. But I certainly don’t promote Attachment Parenting as the “be-all, end-all” guide to what’s best for your child. Only you can decide that!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST FOR AN EXTENDED, INTERESTING DISCUSSION AMONG READERS!
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- Dec 7, 2008: babyshrink.com » Blog Archive » In Praise of Attachment Parenting (Sort Of)
I was just telling my friend about what my son did last night. When he would nurse, especially after the age of 1, he’d rub the top of my breast as a comfort thing. He’d be soooooo relaxed and half asleep and would just do little circles with his hand.
Last night, I let him sleep with me (he’s 6 and I mostly make him sleep in his own room but I was exhausted and knew the fastest way to get him into bed was to let him sleep with me and I don’t feel guilty one whit for using his weakness to push an early bedtime!). Annnnnnnnyway, he reached over and placed his hand on my upper arm and just rested it there. When I woke up this morning, he’d rolled over but his OTHER hand was on my arm.
Sometimes, kids need comfort and contact and the nursing thing….that builds some serious bonds, let me tell you.
I don’t know anything about different ways to raise my kids, I just do the best I can, love ‘em as boundlessly as they love me, and try to set a good example for the kind of person I am with them and expect them to be with me. All the rest of it, it falls into place.
Good answer to a thorny question, Dr. Heather.
I used to get little “attachment parenting” nods from people as I carried my daughter around in my backpack. I also had my blog linked on some babywearer forum. Whether my actual practices are consistent with some of those taught by AP, my parenting philosophy certainly isn’t, overall, so these reactions would always provoke a little “get your cult off of me” reaction :}
I feel like if I really, really want to be famous all I need to do is write something about parenting that can be used to criticize other parents, the more vocally the better.
“What?? You aren’t a Backpacking Dad Parent? But Backpacking Dad Parents have been shown to have the effect of making all of their kids taller and smarter, and those who aren’t Backpacking Dad Parents might as well just give their kids over to the State because they’re just doing them irreversible harm. You are a bad, bad person, non-Backpacking Dad Parent.”
BPD:
Yeah, that’s right, Shawn! Who ARE these inadequate non-BPD parents, anyway?! Their babies’ IQ’s are shown to be a full 1.7 points less than babies of BPD-parents.
It’s really a shame, actually, that the AP crowd can get so fundamentalist about their beliefs, because there are some positive aspects to what they recommend. But the “True Believers” spoil it. I vividly remember attending an orientation at a local preschool we were considering, and the AP message was so strong, it WAS a little cult-like. And I was literally told that “in time, you will see that our expertise is correct, and learn from us what is best for your children. You can’t be expected to know what’s best, so we will show you.”
The nerve!!
I’ll keep my stroller, crib AND TELEVISION, thank you very much!
I am very involved in the AP community and I can honestly say that I do not hear AP parents criticizing alternative parenting decisions unless the baby is in danger (not using a car seat or something).
We are simply trying to parent in a way that works for both us and our babies and generally educate each other on the benefits of our choices. If others are interested, great, if not, great.
P.S. My daughter also watches TV and I have been known to use a stroller.
HI SHERYL:
Thanks for your comment. I do appreciate that there are many parents out there just like you who are not “orthodox” in your approach — and that’s great.
But I HAVE had the experiences I described in the post — being “scolded”, or prostelytized to about AP…and many of my readers have, too.
I’m all for the parenting education and support being offered, by any knowledgeable group. But BabyShrink is about supporting what is best for each individual family — and child — and not about promoting one approach as “best”. AP by definition does not take into account those babies who need LESS direct contact, as well as the other concerns I outlined.
I am happy that you’re here to offer your experiences, though! And I’m glad you’ve found an approach that works for you and your family. That’s what it’s all about!
While I incorporated some aspects of AP when my kids were small, such as using a baby sling to carry them around and breastfeeding, I didn’t go “whole hog” with it. The family bed is a problem for me personally, as I consider my bed to be space for myself and my husband. Friends of mine have done the family bed thing and say they’re happy about it, but they also have problems getting the kids to sleep in their own beds on a regular basis. Mommy and Daddy time is important too, folks.
I breastfed my oldest until she was a year old, and then she started weaning on her own. She’s always been an independent child, and she would not have cottoned well to constant physical contact. By the time I had my youngest, I was no longer able to breastfeed. It was expected, but it was hard for me to not have that bond. Of course, the judgment from others always rolls in when total strangers feel they have the right to lecture one on how much “damage” you’re doing to your child by not breastfeeding.
It never ceases to amaze me about the unwanted level some people go to when they feel compelled to get spontaneously involved in the business of strangers on the street. There are really very few times that should happen in one’s life, and for good reason. Certainly not to lecture on the mistakes and damage you’re causing by your “inferior” parenting. Some people should get a life and stay out of everyone else’s.
I never realized how polarizing some parents can be - but I don’t think it’s “attachment parenting” - I think it’s overbearing parents. I’ve been kicked out of places for breastfeeding in public (a whole other blog post!), and I’ve been yelled at for bottle feeding my son (who couldn’t nurse due to a diaphragmatic hernia), and I’ve been yelled at for using an upright carrier on a newborn instead of a sling.
I think everyone who’s chastised another parent should be “blessed” with a spirited child who challenges them in ways they never knew *could* be challenged.
As a member of the Attachment Parenting community and the moderator of a large AP homeschooling group, I have not found AP parents to be particularly preachy or overbearing at all. I think it’s unfortunate that you’ve come across “cultish” members who gave you a bad impression but I hope you don’t judge us as a group by these encounters. I assure you, we’re generally very nice, sane people.
Of the hundreds of AP parents I know, there are some who were unable to breastfeed, some who used cribs, many who used strollers, and they generally already do understand that it’s the needs of the child/family that should dictate what they do instead of what any tenet prescribes.
At the core, Attachment Parenting is about trusting our own instincts, listening to our babies’ needs and fostering a close relationship. Generally, this results in little ones who are LESS clingy because they feel securely attached (hence the name!). It is not a laundry list of things you must do, but a basic philosophy.
Most of us have FAR more experience being lectured by followers of “traditional” child rearing practices. We deal with mothers in law who lecture us that we’re going to spoil that baby holding him all the time, friends who blame every normal toddler stage on our “ruining” our child by doing this or the other, churches who push books about baby training, sisters who lecture us that we have to “cry it out” when our babies are little or their sleep will be ruined forever, doctors who condemn us for co-sleeping, and so on. I suspect that every mother on earth can relate to being judged and lectured by well-meaning outsiders, whether she is AP or not.
I would also respectfully suggest that perhaps this other mother knows her child best and should be trusted to follow her own mother instincts. Her child may be naturally clingy or going through a perfectly normal developmental stage. Two year olds are notorious for those, no matter how they’re parented! She may have had a much harder time dealing with it without the comfort of nursing. To blame a child’s behavior issues on one small part of her life seems illogical to me. You are choosing to blame the part of her life that you don’t approve of. Someone else with a different agenda could come along and say she is whiny and clingy because she is in day care or is at home with her mom, is being fed too many processed foods, isn’t getting enough sleep, etc.
I have an AP friend whose son has a mild form of autism. For years when he was very young, people berated her for the way she parented him. He threw fits over small things, acted inappropriate and many other things that are unfortunately part of the package when you have a child with such issues. Everybody told her what to do, told her what she was doing wrong, tut-tutted how she was “giving in” and how awful he was going to turn out and so on. She did not parent the way I would have, but I realized that she was parenting the way she believed was best and if I was her friend I needed to support her. Yes, her son still has issues and he always will, but he has grown into a likeable, empathetic, high functioning, smart boy. The bottom line is she’s the one doing the work mothering him and she got to choose how to do that. As long as the child is safe, we need to be real friends and support each other.
We all need to focus less on the tiny things that separate us as mothers and look at the big picture. Children should be loved and safe. Mothers should be trusted and supported, even when they don’t do exactly what we’d do.
HI ALICIA:
Thank you for your very well thought-out response. I can certainly appreciate that this topic is a “hot button” for many readers, and your comment was sincere, smart and considerate.
I think your motivation is the same as mine; to empower parents to know their own children’s unique needs, and to respond to them in the best way we can.
Our emphasis is different. I am looking at the functioning of the whole family, and I see complications from the AP approach that at times negtively impact the parents’ relationship. And this is always bad for the child’s development. I also have questions about how AP views limit-setting. In my experience, AP parents often struggle with being able to set a firm-enough limit. This also has a clear, negative long-term impact on child development.
Of course, my experience is based on “problem cases” to begin with — people come to see me because there is something amiss. So I totally get that my view is skewed by that. I also live in an area where there ARE lots of “orthodox” AP practitioners.
But I do feel confident in stating that the potential complications in approaches like the family bed — for lengthy periods of time — are more likely to impact the parents. I would like to see comments from AP parents who have avoided those problems, and been able to have some time for the parental couple — AWAY from the kids. (And not feel badly about it.)
And when I read the literature on studies of attachment, development, independence, and developmental problems, I see support for parents taking a MIDDLE-GROUND approach; providing comfort and physical and emotional contact with their young children — but NOT impinging on their development by being enmeshed — TOO close. A young, developing mind needs some space and time alone to explore and find psychological and personal limits.
Having both personal space to think and grow — AND a comforting, safe family to move into when we need it — that’s the ideal, if you ask me.
Thanks again for your comment and for the opportunity to discuss this!
Ok, at the risk of poking the bee hive, I’ll admit to being a little baffled by the entire idea behind attachment parenting. Let’s look at the key word here: attachment. Is that really what we want for our kids? The whole notion of breastfeeding for years, sharing a bed, and keeping them literally, physically at my side in a sling for long stretches of time for the express purpose of creating a child who is “attached” seems contrary to everything I want to help my kid achieve for herself: independence.
This is my short response, I think Alicia has already covered the bases in a very sensitive and intelligent way.
I would consider myself an attachment parent. Maybe what you would call “slightly crunchy”, but still
And personally I never judge anyone, in fact if I did I would have no friends, as I do not know any attachment parents IRL. I think the great majority of AP parents are like me, you wouldn’t even know which approach we take behind closed doors, and it is a pity AP gets such a bad rap due to a few going overboard.
I do not agree that the AP style discourages setting limits. In fact, if you read Sears, they are all about setting limits. I think you probably are right that you do see the problem cases, and these are maybe people who would have issues, whichever style of parenting they chose. Attachment parenting is about listening to what your child needs, not about imposing an alternative set of rules… and I think the middle ground you talk about in the comment above actually describes the ideal AP scenario very well.
As far as an alternative to the family bed, none of our children have ever slept in our bed. They transitioned from a co-sleeper or hammock to a full size mattress on the floor. That way, if they wake during the night as older babies, it takes 30 seconds to go lie there with them. All my children have been later to sleep through than their peers, however, they are happy to get into bed and stay there, with almost none of the bedtime battles my friends have experienced later. The key here is that they stay in bed voluntarily because it is a comfortable place for them, physically *and* emotionally.
Finally, I would like to echo Alicia’s plea for us all to be more supportive of each other as parents. We all just want to do the best for our children, the best we know how.
It’s interesting (but not surprising) that the AP parents who frequent BabyShrink are NOT the type to scold and judge. I’ve always hoped to create a forum where parents like us can get together and hash through some interesting discussions — and even disagreements.
I am eager to hear more from Sophie, Sheryl and Alicia — and others with a similar approach — about how they manage their relationships, when they have kids sleeping in their beds (or rooms). What would you suggest to the AP families I see, who often have marital problems because they simply can’t get any alone time? Or intimate time? Or the Dad feels “left out” of the extremely close (and often exclusive) relationship between baby and Mom?
Dr. Heather, you are much braver than I. I am not touching this one with a ten-foot pole.
As always, wonderful advice!
I breastfed my daughter until she was 20mo - and you were a great help in getting her weaned - but that was because I was ready and not because of social pressures.
If it makes your reader feel any better, my daughter has hit a “whiny, clingly stage” at 26mo - 6 months after being fully weaned. A friend of mine who is big on breastfeeding actually made an offhand comment to me “maybe you weaned her too early”. She never seemed the preachy, judgemental type either!
I just shrugged and said mothering would be a lot more profitable if we were given psychic abilities at the time of pregnancy!
Hi Dr. Heather! This is my first visit to your site- I found you through AllTop- and I really loved this post. I have a one year old little girl, and I can relate to this article a lot. When I was pregnant I started going to some of the natural parenting groups around. My Sister who has three kids had introduced me to the world of AP because she was one herself with all three. I saw what worked for her, and I am already naturally/alternative minded, so it seemed like a good fit for me and my family. When my daughter was born, I breastfed her, she slept in the bed with us, I wore her everywhere (and used a stroller!). However, my daughter faced many challenges- she was extremely colicky, and high needs. We did many things to help this, trying everything in the book. I ended up weaning her as a result of getting my milk tested from a doctor who believed that she might be getting high levels of different metals passed through the breast milk. I got my milk tested, and I did have high levels. With Autism in my family- I worried about this being a cause. It was extremely hard for me to wean her, she was very attached. From weaning her she couldn’t handle being next to me in bed because she wanted to nurse, so we transitioned her to a crib. She was six months old. As hard as it was, we are so happy we did it- she became an entirely different baby, she is happy, go with the flow, sleeps through the night, talking. All of my closest friends are part of the AP community and I didn’t want to tell them of my choice for fear of their judgements. As they found out they supported me. I still believe in the AP way in many ways, but I also believe that you have to look at your own child, and your own life and decide what is best. It bothers me the friends that I have that are so EXTREME about AP parenting, and then the friends I have that are EXTREME in the opposite way, and still think I’m weird when I wear her in the sling. I would say before all of this happened I was a little extreme in my AP beliefs, and I’ve changed since my daughter. I believe that parents are the authority in knowing what is best for their kids. What I would say to the “concerned” parent is this- stop judging because you have NO idea what number of things could be going on. Support them in finding out what that may be.
Oh- and as far as the family bed goes- again I think it works for some, and doesn’t work for others. We loved it (especially when she was really young and breastfeeding often- not having to get out of bed meant more sleep for me- so as far as mommy goes, it was best for me in the beginning) We actually miss it, and have tried to go back, but she just can’t sleep- she is so used to having her own space.