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Books are one of my favorite gifts, for any age. But I learned from BabyShrink’s Biggest Fan that it’s no good to give a book without thoroughly reading it first, to make sure it’s just right for the intended recipient. My mother sits for hours in bookstores, pouring through childrens’ books, and has come up with some fantastic specimens. I’ll feature a couple of those tomorrow.

But I have a real bone to pick with authors of books meant for babies — many of these are just poorly written, with no appreciation for a baby’s developmental level. A really egregious example is the series of books I saw the other day at one of the big-box stores. Upon first glance, the pictures were cute, colorful and fun. I think most parents (or grandparents) end their evaluation of the book right there. But if you look closer, you see that the storyline is confusing, there are a couple of parts that would be scary to toddlers and preschoolers, and the actual SIZE of the board book was enormous. Note to baby book publishers: Stop producing those giant board books that no baby could ever hold by themselves! Those things are real hazards. Have you ever tried reading one of those behemoths to a fidgety baby? They grab the pages and try valiantly to turn them, but the sheer bulk of the giant cardboard pages is enough to give the little one a black eye. Come on, let’s see some books that are created with actual babies in mind!

So I’m thrilled with my latest discovery, No No Yes Yes, by Leslie Patricelli. It’s a simple, hilarious look at the dilemmas experienced several times a day by babies and toddlers learning the rules and limits of life. Most baby books simply have too many words to be appropriate for such young minds.

Patricelli understands that just a few words — two, to be exact — plus simple and straightforward illustrations — are all that’s necessary to convey a world of meaning to a little one. I love that she understands the challenge of this age; to learn to control oneself, given the zillion rules imposed by parents. She’s truly speaking to her audience here, and in the process is already gaining an appreciative following. Our two-year-old is a case in point. He laughs hysterically every time he gets to the page where the baby puts a bunch of toys in the potty. He’s simultaneously thrilled with the central character’s daring, yet also mortified as to what the consequences might be. The book gets read several times a day around here — and nobody has a black eye from shlepping around a book the size of briefcase!

Please check out Patricelli’s book — and she has several other cute ones I’m looking forward to reading.

Do you have any good baby book recommendations?

Every week, I buy groceries at our grungy, local health-food store. My daughter affectionately dubbed it “The Stinky Market” — partly because of that characteristic “health-food store” smell, but also because of the bodily odors emanating from some of the motley group of customers frequenting the place — a weird combination of surfers, hippies, homeless people, backpacking travelers, and “Euro-Trash”. — Oh, and the occasional yuppie mom like me. (Except I hope I’m not one of the stinky types. In all honestly there aren’t TOO many stinky customers, but the one or two in there at any given time are certainly enough.)

During each visit, I see at least 4 or 5 “Baby-Wearing” mamas in the store. These dedicated parents take their childrearing (and food shopping) very seriously, braving the narrow aisles with groceries piled precariously high atop rickety shelves, all the while with an infant (or toddler, or preschooler) attached to their bodies. These are the Attachment Parenting advocates living at a major heart of the AP movement. These are dedicated baby-wearers, extended-breastfeeders, family-bedders, and gentle-discipliners. And because I live in a nexus of strident AP, we have more than our fair share of AP fundamentalists. And in fact the Stinky Market is the very place where I’ve gotten an uninvited comment (and plenty “Stink-Eye”) about using strollers.

But this week, I was feeling quite contrite about my last AP post — not because I have changed my opinion (I haven’t). But I realized that the AP parents are really coming from the same place that motivates me in my parenting approach — we just get to somewhat different places with it. And I also feel really bad about offending some of you out there whom I consider to be readers, supporters, and friends….those of you who practice AP, and don’t deserve the uninvited criticism from me. To any of you I offended — you know who you are — I offer my sincere apology.

But because it was on my mind so much, I went back to developmental theory, to remind myself exactly WHY I disagree with some of what AP espouses. This is the quick version:

Infant Development: A (Very) Quick Primer
The infant starts out in life as a completely dependent being. She relies on her parents (usually the mother) for such fundamental things as nutrition and the regulation of bodily processes. In many ways, the infant is born “unfinished”, being delivered at 40 weeks’ gestation not because she’s really ready to be born, but because the human mother is not physically capable of delivering a larger infant. She needs to be “attached” to her mother to fulfill these needs. This attachment allows successful development into later phases of growth.

Over time, the infant becomes capable of voluntary movement. She starts to control her body in ways SHE wants to; it’s no longer up to her own random or reflexive movements. And with this voluntary movement comes the spark of the ability to be mobile, and to communicate.

Movement away from the parent requires a means of communicating over distance with that parent: When you crawl across the room, it’s nice to be able to say “Doggie!” and to point at the doggie, to get your parents’ attention. Communication becomes more necessary when the child can move away from the parent. And communication is a symbolic way of continuing attachment. We can tell older babies I love you! And their ability to understand abstract communication helps them to feel the love, without being physically held. It’s not that physical comfort is no longer necessary, but rather, the baby now has a new, more advanced way to be attached; through communication. And that allows the baby to become more independent, and venture out, away from the parent.

And moving away from the parent is really the point of development, isn’t it? It’s called independence. This isn’t dictated by some non-AP theory, it’s simply accepted developmental fact. Remember reading about Margaret Mahler in your Intro Psych class? She was the acknowledged queen researcher of infant development. She observed infants all over the world moving through phases of complete dependence in early infancy, through the phases of Separation-Individuation later in toddlerhood. This phase is topped off by the challenging, difficult phase of Rapprochement, in which the infant is conflicted about independence. She varies between clingy attachment, and boldly venturing out on her own. Many of the questions I get here at BabyShrink have to do with the fundamental conflicts inherent during the Rapprochement phase.

Of course this does not mean that our 2-year-olds are completely independent; we shouldn’t be expecting them to bring home a paycheck any time soon. But it does point out the slow modification that our parenting approach needs to make over time; the understanding that the increased ability of the infant to handle (and explore) independence requires us to give them room to do so. The infant starts out needing complete “attachment” to the parents, and gradually needs less and less attachment over time in order to develop independence.

How is this different from Attachment Parenting? Yeah, I know that AP understands and appreciates the nature of “attachment” — they used it in the name of the approach, after all. And I’m totally with them on the use of AP principles, but only with very young infants, and only when that infant is constitutionally amenable to the intense physical contact of AP. As I said in my previous post, AP comments very little on those infants who simply do better with a little time and space on their own; a little less handling — and little “breaks” from being “attached” all the time. Many of my readers have babies whose sensory systems simply could not handle all that attachment, and are so much happier with a little “breathing room”. And as infants become toddlers, they crave less and less dependence — and more and more independence. And we, as parents, need to walk that tightrope of “Rapprochement” with them.

So I guess this is my lengthy reply to all of you who commented and emailed on my last AP post — and also my apology, to any of those I unintentionally offended. I hope this post shows that I agree wholeheartedly with the intended goals of AP — we just vary in our approach.

IF YOU FOUND THIS POST FIRST, MAKE SURE TO CATCH ANOTHER ONE OF MY AP POSTS HERE AS WELL

“What,” you may ask, “is the most popular ‘lurkers’ topic at BabyShrink?” Is there a common theme that brings the most readers to this site?

Yes, there is.

Every day, I check my WordPress “Stats” to see what parents have been reading on BabyShrink. I think it’s hilarious that each and every day I get several Google “hits” from people entering in phrases like this to the search box:

My toddler smears poop everywhere, what do I do?

They end up on this page, which is my all-time most-read post. And if you’ve read the post, you know that I laugh from all-too-knowing experience.

But every so often, I get a question from a reader who needs more help with this problem; it’s progressed past the point of my suggestions. So yes, dear readers, it’s time for yet another poop-smearing post:

Dear Dr. Heather,

My three-year-old daughter has been smearing poop, and it has increased in frequency. Not only does she smear her poop everywhere, but she also has a corner in my living room where she, for the lack of a better term, “marks her territory.” She knows when to pee on the potty and does it fine. But more lately, she will strip off her pull-up and go to that corner to either pee or smear her poop. I don’t know what to do since EVERYTHING I have tried seems not to work. I have had extreme difficulty with her potty training, which her doctor said is normal due to the fact that she is extremely hyperactive and just doesn’t want to stop. He says she is afraid to miss something. I realized that almost a year ago her father stopped coming around, and it has been almost a year since she began this frustrating habit. But it’s gotten worse lately and I don’t know if it’s an outcry towards me because she is possibly mad at me for her father not being around?? Also I am a single mother and although I was able to quit my job and be with her recently i am still not able to give her my 110% attention all the time. I don’t know…all I know is I need help. I can’t handle this…nor can I STOMACH this anymore!! Thank you for your time.

“Tired of Cleaning Up After the Little Stinker”

Dear Tired,

Sounds like you have a complex problem here. If her pediatrician says there is nothing medically or developmentally wrong, you can try using some of these techniques:

First, try some concrete behavioral strategies. Does she have a usual time of day when she poops? Most toddlers do it about the same time each day, and only do it once. If she does, watch her closely until she’s made her poop. Don’t let her wander away from you unobserved until she has pooped. Then you can give her a little more free-reign after you know she’s done for the day. Also, you can dress her in a more restrictive way until she has done her poop. Get a larger size onesie, with perhaps some leggings over it, to put her in until she’s pooped. If she lets you know in advance that she needs to go, fine. You can help her get undressed and to the toilet. If not, it’s OK for now if she goes in her pull-up.

You might also move around things in “her corner”, making it a difficult or unappealing place to spend her time. Experiment with furniture in the room to see if you can re-configure it to “eliminate” that place where she usually goes. Change around the whole room so her association to it is also changed. Make “her corner” a more focal place of the room, so that it’s not a hideaway, and she can’t have any privacy there.

Don’t make a big deal about using the potty right now. She’s giving you mixed messages about being ready, and in that case, the advice is usually to back off from potty training. Let her be in charge of when she uses the potty. But do be clear with her that smearing poop or going on the floor is NOT an option. It’s yucky. Mommy does not like to clean that up. But when she DOES successfully use the potty, make a big deal out of it. Hurray! What a big girl! It’s so nice and clean when you go in the potty! Consider giving her a small treat (one jelly bean, for example) every time she does go to the potty, even if it’s just to pee. And try not to be scolding if she goes in her pull-up. Just be matter-of-fact about it, and clean it up.

I also would not use punishment if she smears poop again. You might remove her from the “scene of the crime”, since you have to sanitize it. Be serious, but neutral. Remind her where she should go, and that poop does not belong on the walls or the floor.

Also, it’s important to give her plenty of opportunity to play with acceptable, squishy, messy things like finger paints, play-doh, even mud pies. She clearly likes the feeling of it; give her ample opportunity to make a mess in an acceptable way. Tell her when you’re playing with messy things, “This is fun to be messy. We can be messy with paints!”

You ask about the impact of her Daddy leaving, and whether that is related. I can’t judge that from here. But you can ask yourself about the impact it has had on YOU. If you have been upset, if things have been very different around the house, you can bet your daughter has picked up on that. But is it related to the poop-smearing? Difficult to say. If you need more input about that, I would suggest talking with a licensed therapist who has a specialty in working with young children. And if you’re having trouble coping, please seek out some help. A little bit of good therapy can go a long way — and help you to trouble-shoot when difficult times arise!

Try some of these strategies, and let us know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink