Archive for April, 2009:
A great article on the challenges of motherhood
Moms have too much pressure. (Sorry, Dads: you have too much pressure too. But I think society puts more of the burden on moms.) It aggravates me when the media (and even our neighbors and family) depict motherhood as some kind of utopia, and when we can’t live up to that ideal, something must be wrong (with us).
That’s why I like to recommend writers who tell it like it is. I just came across this Oprah article and wanted to share it with you. Enjoy! And stay tuned: I have my own news to share with you in the next few days…!)
Click here for the Oprah article.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Discipline Techniques for a 3-Year-Old
Dear Dr. Heather,
When my 3-year-old son hits, pushes, or bites me, my husband, or his 6-month old sister, or is throwing things or generally being threatening (he likes to act like a mad dinosaur), our response is to tell him he needs to calm down and spend some time playing quietly in his room. Theoretically, this gives him a chance to calm down, plus teaches him that the consequence of misbehaving is that he doesn’t get to be around the rest of us. He gets to come back downstairs whenever he feels he’s ready to be nice.
In the last week, though, he has started really testing how much he can pinch, slap and otherwise hurt his sister. This culminated in him biting her thumb – HARD. He had missed his nap and it was late afternoon, but otherwise things were calm, we were relaxing in the bedroom, and he had climbed up on the bed to give her a hug. While hugging, he apparently decided to bite her. Thankfully it didn’t break skin, but it was close. Our response was to make him spend the last few hours of the day in his room playing quietly, although we let him come out whenever he had to use the restroom and to join us for dinner. We tried not to be overly dramatic about it, and talked about how he needed to stay in his room because he isn’t allowed to bite or hurt his sister.
What are your thoughts on our discipline approach? Is it ineffective because he gets to play in his room (i.e. is a “naughty chair” a better approach?). I like the idea of having a consequence that is related to the crime – removal from the family area and time alone if you are not behaving as expected toward family members – but only if it works. And the recent biting and acting out makes me wonder, but maybe that’s typical behavior toward a sibling. Also, he is really focused on talking about how I love him even when I’m mad, which of course I confirm and say I love him no matter what, all the time. But I worry we might be messing with his psyche in some unknown way. Okay, so I’m worried about that a lot! Your thoughts are appreciated.
Thanks,
Cherise
Hi Cherise,
I must say that you sound very thoughtful in your approach; your thinking is right on. You seem to have developed a way of thinking through these situations that makes sense, based on your kid. Bravo!
I do think, though, that he’s too young to spend an afternoon in his room; it’s simply too long, at his age. The usual rule of thumb is about one minute of time-out per year of age, so he shouldn’t have more than about 3 minutes in his room. Any more than that is overkill.
His biting should be met by immediate attention to the “bite-ee”, plus an unemotional reminder to him about the rule against “no biting”. He can then be removed for a time out, and when he returns, have him check on the “bite-ee’s” condition. “Check and see if your sister is OK. She us how you can apologize.” Don’t over-react to biting, but make sure your approach is consistent. Overreacting is likely to INCREASE the behavior, so respond unemotionally, but firmly.
His asking about “Do you love me even when I’m mad?” is fine….as long as he’s not using it to distract you from doling out some kind of consequence. I think it’s great to introduce him to the concept that even though you may or may not like his behavior, or even if YOU’RE having a grumpy day (Moms are allowed!)…you love him, no matter what. And that people can get mad at each other, but then get over it; and still love each other the whole time. “Anger” doesn’t equal “loss of love”. That’s a difficult — but important — concept to start conveying to your kids, even in their early years.
In terms of “naughty chair” vs. “time out”…I think it totally depends on your own preferences, the layout of your house, and last but not least….WHAT WORKS BEST for YOUR PARTICULAR KID. For some, a quick trip to the end of a hallway met by a closed door is enough to turn around the behavior. Other kids need longer time outs, or more specific locations that work best. Experiment. GO BY WHAT WORKS…..that’s a BabyShrink theme.
There are also some relevant tips to look over in my “Biting Babies” post; click here to check it out.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Help for a Jealous 3-year-old
There are still more people to thank, as I celebrate the first year of BabyShrink. But questions keep pouring in, so I thought I’d post this one today. It’s from a mom struggling with the “Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde” attitude change in her 3-year-old, following her new baby’s birth:
Hi Dr. Heather!
I have a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-month-old son. I was working full-time and had my daughter in daycare (where she was the apple of everyone’s eye) up until a few months ago. I stopped working and pulled her out of daycare to spend some “quality time” with her before the baby arrived.
Things were great for the first week or so, and then everything went downhill. I was trying to keep up with daycare by drawing with her, teaching her the alphabet, numbers, and how to write her name and other small words. She had fun in the beginning, but would start to become very upset and not want to have anything to do with it. She also started this “shy” thing. She hides behind me when we go anywhere and doesn’t want to talk to family…she tells them she is shy. All of this has led to a lot of frustration between the two of us. I can’t understand why she clammed up all of a sudden and have begun to lose my patience. She, obviously, doesn’t understand why I am frustrated, which has made it an endless cycle of irritation between us.
After our son arrived, and she began to realize he needs attention as well (I include her with everything I possibly can), life became even more rough for her. She basically does anything for attention, positive or negative. I decided to enroll her in a Montessori school just to get her out of the house and interacting with others again (and I needed some sanity after sleepless nights). This has turned into a chore as well. Getting ready in the mornings is a nightmare. She is the happiest child alive when she first wakes up…then as soon as I try to get her into the morning routine…her world turns upside down. “I don’t like this.” “I don’t want to do that.” I mean…she can’t even get herself dressed in the mornings! I am also concerned that she is doing everything backwards, upside down, and inside out. Letters, numbers, clothes, shoes…you name it. Is this an early sign of a learning disability? Could this be the root of our problems? The frustration just builds and builds.
I don’t know what to do. I try to nurse my 2-month-old before she wakes up so I can spend some time with her in the mornings (just us)…but everything just blows up in my face.
I love my daughter to pieces and want life to be happy again for her. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
G.
Hi G.,
I’ve been there myself. Your little angel becomes a terror when a new baby arrives on the scene. You try hard to arrange for some rare “special attention”, but they throw it back in your face. And your daughter is old enough to know which buttons to push to get you upset.
But don’t forget that kids REGRESS when a new baby comes on the scene. They also famously behave way worse for you, as opposed to a teacher. So your plans for “keeping up the schooling” after she came home were perhaps doomed to fail.
Getting ready in the morning (or NOT) is also a famous 3-year-old strategy for making parents nuts. So please don’t worry that your daughter is unusual or abnormal — she’s not at all, from what you tell me. (Of course I can’t evaluate her myself, so take what I say with a grain of salt, and check with her pediatrician to make sure).
All you can do is DIAL BACK YOUR EXPECTATIONS, try to EMPATHIZE WITH HER SITUATION, and try to TAKE THE EMOTION OUT OF YOUR REACTION TO HER. This doesn’t mean you should allow her to monopolize every situation; she needs to remember how to wait her turn and share. But you have to go back several steps in the “lesson plan” for her behavior. She’s been hit by a ton of bricks, in terms of a new baby on the scene, and she’s old enough to understand how much it jeopardizes her previous place in the sun.
You, as well, are in a different place — you’re exhausted with a new baby, and upset with your daughter. HANG IN THERE. This is sort of a “do whatever works” time. I know you want — and need — some kind of routine and predictability, but right now, you just need to get through each day as reasonably as possible. If she wears her pajamas to Montessori once in awhile — so what? If she’s late sometimes — so what? She’s only 3.
Focus on what she IS doing right. Praise her mightily when she behaves “like a big girl who knows how to wait for her turn so nicely”. Make her into your “helper” with her brother, and point out what she is able to do — and what he’s NOT yet able to do. When she regresses into a tantrumming 2-year-old, take a deep breath and try not to over-react. YES, she knows better, but she’s just not capable of it that second. Don’t take it personally, just deal with her as a 2-year-old in that moment. And when she’s a little angel again, don’t hold a grudge, even if she was a little devil only a minute ago (easier said than done, I know, but keep trying).
About her doing everything backwards and inside-out; it’s tough to say, but usually we don’t diagnose a formal learning problem until second grade. She’s obviously upset with you, and she knows it makes you upset when she does things backwards. So again, dial back your expectations and let that stuff go for awhile. You will have plenty of formal schooling time and firm rules for school in her future, but relax while she’s still in preschool. Try to get in some fun “big girl time” when she is open to it, but don’t put the pressure on her that “the baby is asleep and so we have to make the most of our time together!” If it happens, it happens. If not, maybe next time.
HANG IN THERE, and let us know how it goes.
Click here for a related post; this on one a 5-year-old who started hitting her new baby brother.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
