Archive for May, 2009:
How To Handle a 3-Year-Old’s Pestering
Dear Dr. Heather,
I have a 3 year-old daughter who is very strong willed and just won’t give in. For example, she wants me to get her ‘blanky’ which is lying around the house somewhere. I tell her no, you go and fetch it, then she says NO — I must fetch it — and so it goes on. I keep on telling her NO listen to mummy, but she just doesn’t stop and carries on, which drives me crazy. I try and ignore it, but she just continues on!!!
Help! How is the best way to go about it without giving in to her pestering???
Thanks,
English Mum
Dear Mum,
At this age, it comes down to this: Feed good behaviors. Starve the bad. (In terms of emotion and attention, of course.)
With parenting, I often recall the famous line in the movie Amadeus: “Too many notes!” But instead I tell parents, “Too many words!” Say what you mean, very simply, and then STOP TALKING. Look away. Convey by your body language that you’ve said what you’re going to say…and there’s no negotiation. Some parents feel somehow that it’s unfair to disallow negotiation with their children. But remember, a 3-year-old really isn’t capable of negotiation…but she IS capable of testing your limits and rules until you finally give in. Go ahead and give in, once in awhile, if it makes sense and works for you. But your overall message should be: Take what I say seriously. I’m in charge here. It doesn’t help to have a 3-year-old feel like she can be in charge; instead, it makes her worry that NOBODY is truly in charge.
I know it’s maddening, but you really must avoid extended discussions about it, and show her by your ACTIONS that you DON’T HEAR HER when she carries on like that. Explain to her once that “I know you are a big enough girl to find it yourself. Now, I am done talking about it. I don’t hear you anymore if you ask me for your blanket.” And then you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH with pretending not to hear her. Don’t get mad, take a deep breath, and expect a tantrum on her part. Also, expect the behavior to ESCALATE for awhile, until she gets the idea that you MEAN BUSINESS.
Them when she DOES find her blanket, and DOES calm down, PRAISE HER TREMENDOUSLY for being such a big girl and finding it herself. Praise and reinforcement of her good behavior is what you’re really striving for here. Don’t forget to praise her for even the smallest demonstrations of positive, nice attitudes and behavior. Eventually, she’ll get the picture, and quit testing you in this way…and start showing you how nicely she can find her own blanket.
If you’d like to read more on this topic, check out more on your Little Tyrant’s behavior here.
Good luck!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Helping Young Children Understand Feelings
Parents can start helping their kids to become emotionally “fluent” at a very early age. I recommend that parents keep a “running commentary” going, when observing social and emotional situations with their children. Start as young as 9 or 10 months, to get in the habit, and to convey the message that feelings are important in our family.
For instance, today, my 3-year-old was having trouble sharing with his 3-year-old neighbor. As the boys struggled, our neighbor began to cry. “See,” I said, “Your friend is sad and mad that you won’t share the toy motorcycle. Let’s see what happens if he has a turn.” After several false starts, I was able to encourage turn-taking between the boys. After they had some success for a few minutes, I praised them, reminding about how hard it was to accomplish. “See, now? You boys tried hard to share, and now you’re having such fun together. Great work!”
It’s situations just like these that build a child’s capacity to understand and respond appropriately to emotions of all kinds. Bit by bit, interaction by interaction, children grow their emotional skills; skills that are essential to successful negotiation of the world as adults.
It’s this foundation that I HOPE will serve our children well when they become teenagers, and need to figure out all sorts of wild and wacky social and emotional situations — without our help. When they’re little, we provide the “emotional training wheels”. We have to practice with them enough so that they’re ready to ride on their own — one day soon.
There’s some interesting research that backs this up. I just read a review article summarizing some research about the importance of mothers and their use of “running commentary” on emotional situations, and the later emotional adjustment of their children. Of course, I assume the effect is just as powerful for fathers.
If you’re interested, check out the article here.
In the meantime, happy emoting!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Pregnant with Baby #4 (and I Just Turned 41)
Dear Readers,
This post isn’t an emailed question from one of you. It’s from me, your BabyShrink.
I can finally come out with the news I’ve wanted to tell you for 18 weeks now: I’m pregnant!
This has come as somewhat of a surprise to us, although a very welcome one. Many of you recall we originally went through infertility treatments to get this ball rolling, but needed no help with babies #2, 3, and now 4. So here we are: a 4-for-1 deal!
My age is not the least of it. As an old lady of 41, my OB chart has “Advanced Maternal Age” stamped all over it. I’ve gone through several rounds of genetics screenings, and all the anxiety that goes along with it. I had killer morning sickness (uh, ALL-DAY sickness) for several weeks. But the worst part has been keeping the secret: from you, my coworkers, and even my kids. But we finally feel safe — at least safe ENOUGH — to break the exciting news.
So thanks to all of you for your patience; I’ve been remiss in posting quite as often as I’d like, and my response time to your questions has stretched out a bit. But I’ve been accumulating some heavy-duty experience that I hope will continue to help make BabyShrink fun, interesting and new.
Depending on your interest and questions, I’ll be posting some of the things I’ve learned these past several weeks. I expected to have a CVS (for early chromosomal testing) — and didn’t. Then I expected an amniocentesis — and didn’t have THAT, either. But there are some wild new screening procedures that helped us though that decision-making process, and these are all pretty new. I look forward to your questions about how to decide when, if, and how to make decisions about genetic testing in pregnancy, and all the strong emotions that can go along with the process.
And in the meantime, I’ve discovered that my good-old standby baby bottles — the ones that have gotten us through 3 babies — are no longer considered safe (due to the BPA). So I’ve got to learn about all the newest STUFF out there as well….and I LOVE baby “stuff”. So I’ll need your help in deciding what to buy (and what to skip) this time around.
I’ll also be asking for advice from those of you with large families. Having #4 feels exciting — but daunting. This is uncharted territory in both my family and my husband’s, so we need all the help we can get!
Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement, and I look forward to going on the rest of this exciting journey with you.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
