Archive for November, 2009:
The “Good Enough” case against over-parenting
One of the central themes of my parenting approach is to go for “Good Enough”. Forget about perfection in parenting; it’s all about pragmatics. Balancing YOUR needs with the needs of your kids. Filtering out the pressure we get from the media to have perfectly sculpted kids from the beginning; babies who have been delivered without the benefit of modern medicine and by following a perfect “Birth Plan”, babies who have been breastfed as long as possible and fed the most perfectly organic diet, who have attained all of their developmental milestones early, attended the “best” preschools and “enrichment” programs, and go on to become the most perfect human beings.
This “Perfect Parenting Propaganda” has contributed to an enormous amount of pressure on parents, which is, as I have discussed here on BabyShrink, responsible for (at best) unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our kids, and (at worst) postpartum depression and other psychological fallout. I have advocated the “Good Enough” parenting approach with the intention of reassuring parents that there is, in fact, good research to support this approach. Being a Good Enough parent also allows us some room in our schedules and our lives; room to enjoy our kids, partners and families in a more relaxed and spontaneous way. And being “Good Enough” does NOT mean having a half-assed parenting approach. It does NOT mean you don’t care about your kids. In fact, it means that you understand that children need SPACE and TIME and OPTIONS in order to maximize their development; they need time to EXPLORE, and yes, even to FAIL. Striving for perfection, one of the driving motivators of the over-parenting tendency, is actually BAD FOR YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT. It gives them the message that they are not capable of managing their time and experiences. It does not allow them the time or opportunity to learn how to solve problems creatively. And it takes away from their ability to experience the independence that we had as kids (and lived to tell about it).
So it was with great excitement that I read the cover article in last week’s Time magazine. Nancy Gibbs puts forth a case against “Over-Parenting”, and her article gives lots more details that I can currently muster. (Hey, people, I’ve got a 6-week-old new baby who has decided that sleep is NOT FOR HER — or me!) The fact that I’ve got a few minutes here to expound on this topic should tell you how important I think it is! So here’s the link. Enjoy and discuss!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Here are a few of my articles on the “Good Enough” parenting approach:
The Good Enough Mother: Are Breasts Required?
More on the Pros and Cons of Attachment Parenting
and, Will My Baby Ever Sleep Through the Night? (A post I need to re-read!!)
What to Do if a 2-Year-Old Isn’t Talking
Hi Dr Heather,
My 2 year old son isn’t talking yet. He socializes at daycare, we read books, and try to encourage him by pointing at objects and saying their name. He will ramble on in his own language & expect us to understand it & sometimes gets frustrated when we don’t. He communicates with us mainly with body language when he wants something, but he’s also so laid back, and almost feels like he doesn’t think he needs to speak. Every now & then he’ll come out with a word here & there & we acknowledge it with praise, and other times when we try to get him to say a word, he gets really frustrated. He understands what we say & he follows directions very well. Do you have any tips? We’re running out of ideas.
Thanks,
Carrie
Hi Carrie,
I often get this referral question in the clinic where I consult. Parents and clinicians frequently worry about slow-to-develop speech; luckily, there is often nothing “wrong”. In general, what we’re most concerned about at this age is COMPREHENSION. If a 1 or 2-year-old has good comprehension, then overall language skills are usually fine. Kids DO talk at much more variable rates, and it often has nothing to do with later speech and language proficiency. Our third child was the latest to develop speech, yet now at nearly 4 he has, by far, the best diction and vocabulary of all our kids at that age.
With that said, however, 2 is quite late, overall, for speech to emerge. I suggest having him evaluated by your local Early Intervention team; your pediatrician can usually guide you to a group with a good recommendation. Even if there’s nothing amiss, the evaluators often can give you some great suggestions on how to further encourage speech use by your little guy.
If he does qualify for speech and language therapy, definitely go for it. These services are usually provided by very well-trained and dedicated professionals who can make the sessions fun and exciting for little ones. The good therapists closely involve parents in the sessions too.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Advice for a preschooler who HUGS too much
Dear Dr. Heather,
My 3-year-old son started nursery school a few weeks ago. Everything is fine except that he hugs the other kids too much! They do not want him to hug them and they wind up hitting him or running from his approach. The teachers have tried to talk to him about it and asked me to please try again tonight. Today he came home with 2 more scratches on his face. I don’t know what to tell him to make him understand, and I want him to have a good experience at school. Help!
London Dad
Dear London Dad,
Even though it may seem like your son is the only one with difficulties in transition to school, believe me, he’s not. They all have their little variations on the theme. I myself have just now returned from dropping off my 3-year-old at his new preschool. He’s not a “hugger”, but he is a “clingy whiner”. Another of the kids there gets upset when the teacher pays attention to other children, and another strips down to her undies when she misses her parents! This is a difficult time of year in terms of transitions to new things for our little ones. Usually, a few weeks max is all it takes to get used to a new school. But those weeks can feel punishingly, guiltily LONG for us parents!
Your little guy is so young and new to the preschool setting. He really can’t be expected to get all the social niceties completely worked out yet. Ideally, you want him with a teacher who can help him to transition and learn how to interact with the other kids so that they all have fun together. This should not be a “scolding” thing, but rather a “fun/learning” thing.
As I said, there are other kids there who are struggling as well with the transition, but in different ways. It’s normal; we can’t expect a 3-year-old to transition to such a new setting without some bumps and wrinkles. So don’t feel too bad about it, and try to convey a positive attitude to him. You can practice with him how to greet friends — lots of “high fives” and “good morning!” greetings. Give him lots of praise when he seems to improve and “get it”. Help him greet his friends once he arrives at school — stay with him 1-1 down on his level until he says hello to everyone. Don’t make it a chore, but simply help him do it in a good way, and again — give lots of praise. And when he gets home, reinforce the positive steps he took during school that day, and practice “how we say hello” to others at school.
Please talk with the teacher(s) about the issue and ask for their help and guidance and suggestions. Good teachers will have come across this before (many times!) and will not be put off by it or scold him for it. And be happy that he’s a sociable little guy!
Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
