The “Good Enough” case against over-parenting
November 29, 2009 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Developmental Grab-Bag, Motherhood
One of the central themes of my parenting approach is to go for “Good Enough”. Forget about perfection in parenting; it’s all about pragmatics. Balancing YOUR needs with the needs of your kids. Filtering out the pressure we get from the media to have perfectly sculpted kids from the beginning; babies who have been delivered without the benefit of modern medicine and by following a perfect “Birth Plan”, babies who have been breastfed as long as possible and fed the most perfectly organic diet, who have attained all of their developmental milestones early, attended the “best” preschools and “enrichment” programs, and go on to become the most perfect human beings.
This “Perfect Parenting Propaganda” has contributed to an enormous amount of pressure on parents, which is, as I have discussed here on BabyShrink, responsible for (at best) unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our kids, and (at worst) postpartum depression and other psychological fallout. I have advocated the “Good Enough” parenting approach with the intention of reassuring parents that there is, in fact, good research to support this approach. Being a Good Enough parent also allows us some room in our schedules and our lives; room to enjoy our kids, partners and families in a more relaxed and spontaneous way. And being “Good Enough” does NOT mean having a half-assed parenting approach. It does NOT mean you don’t care about your kids. In fact, it means that you understand that children need SPACE and TIME and OPTIONS in order to maximize their development; they need time to EXPLORE, and yes, even to FAIL. Striving for perfection, one of the driving motivators of the over-parenting tendency, is actually BAD FOR YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT. It gives them the message that they are not capable of managing their time and experiences. It does not allow them the time or opportunity to learn how to solve problems creatively. And it takes away from their ability to experience the independence that we had as kids (and lived to tell about it).
So it was with great excitement that I read the cover article in last week’s Time magazine. Nancy Gibbs puts forth a case against “Over-Parenting”, and her article gives lots more details that I can currently muster. (Hey, people, I’ve got a 6-week-old new baby who has decided that sleep is NOT FOR HER — or me!) The fact that I’ve got a few minutes here to expound on this topic should tell you how important I think it is! So here’s the link. Enjoy and discuss!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Here are a few of my articles on the “Good Enough” parenting approach:
The Good Enough Mother: Are Breasts Required?
More on the Pros and Cons of Attachment Parenting
and, Will My Baby Ever Sleep Through the Night? (A post I need to re-read!!)
Interesting article, but I am giggling madly at the link in the middle of it: (See the 25 best back-to-school gadgets.)
*snerk*
This is absolutely true! I’m so glad that there are people out there who understand the reality of parenting versus the science of “doing it all just right”. Children have to have that room and safety at home to try and fail and learn from the error because there is no other place they have that kind of safety net of love and guidance. Life isn’t perfect, parents aren’t perfect, and children aren’t perfect, and as a recovering perfectionist, I have learned the value of that. Perfection means there is nothing to learn, and that’s just not how life is. I have come to believe there is no one set right way to do it. Parenting is an individual approach based on the needs, strengths, weaknesses of each child. A general list of what we teach and want to accomplish can be uniform, but the ‘how’ portion of how we get there has to be tailored to that child, and every single one is different. I’m glad to see that others like you see this important fact as well.
By the way – congratulations on your little angel, even if she’s decided sleep isn’t her thing. I wish I could share some of my 4 month old miracle child with you for that issue. She’ll sleep sooner or later. Bless her little heart!
I am so glad to read this! I firmly believe that a child should have room to develop on their own, but at the same time that a parent should be engaged. Lately I’ve been very concerned with what chems the school is using to disinfect for H1N1. A recently released report by the Environmental Working Group, “Greener School Cleaners = Healthier Kids” identifies the fact that many cleaning supplies used in schools emit toxic airborne chemicals that our children are being exposed to: http://bit.ly/EWGGreenSchools there’s also some questions for parents to ask their schools here: http://bit.ly/H1N1Schools
Thank God people are finally coming to their senses when it comes to parenting! We need to start looking at our children as people, not products. Children who are terrified to make mistakes grow up to be anxious, performance-oriented adults without a true sense of self. I would have hated to have had parents who were in my face and in my business 24-7! Our kids need to know that they are valuable and loved even if they are not superstars. The most important aspect of parenting is having a loving connection with your child, understanding how they are special and unique as a person, and then tenderly guiding them to what counts as success for THEM. Not every child will need to go to college to be successful — or be a part of 20 activities — or get straight A’s. We definitely need to lighten up!