A Toddler’s Strange New Fear, and What To Do About It
February 2, 2010 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Annoying Toddler Behaviors, Fears
I’ve gotten a lot of traffic lately on Strange and Sudden Toddler Fears. I’ve written on this before (and included a link at the end of this post), but this is such a common question that I’ve decided to answer it’s latest incarnation, hopefully with some additional insights. Here goes:
Dear Dr. Heather,
Just in the past week, my 2.5 year old has developed a fear of “going byebye”, getting in the car, sitting in the car while getting gas, going outside in the snow. She screams and does what sounds like hyperventilating, but she isn’t. Her dad just went on a trip for a week and it seemed to worsen then. She used to love the snow and going for car rides. Now all of a sudden she’s hysterical. I don’t know if maybe she feels out of control with daddy being gone. She absolutely thrives on routine. Maybe she felt safer just staying home. She was a little “weirded-out” when my husband first came home and she wanted me to hold her, but she warmed up quickly. Any tips you have would be wonderful. Thank you.
Jacki
Hi Jacki,
Toddlers often develop these quirky preferences and fears, seemingly all of a sudden. Partly it has to do with their growing awareness that scary things CAN happen; parents go away, kids get hurt, things get broken or spill, etc. Yet they cannot yet totally compute how to PREVENT those things from happening. It also has to do with their OWN aggressiveness — they see how they get mad and run away from a person or situation when they are mad, or lash out and hit etc, and worry that OTHERS will do the same thing (even if those others have never been aggressive at all). It’s a completely different mindset than that of an adult (or even a bigger kid).
I would let her regress back a bit for awhile until she gets re-acclimated to her Dad’s departure and return. Be extra reassuring, and stay home more when it’s possible. Go out gingerly and on a limited basis, if you can, until she gets back into the swing of it. GIVE HER BACK SOME OF THE CONTROL. Allow her to make choices about going out, if you can. See if there IS anyplace she would like to go — to the park? Grandma’s? Out for ice cream? And then go there. Little by little, try to sneak in additional outings, and let her know in advance of your plans. You won’t always be able to do it her way, and talk her through that. I know you don’t want to go to the store today, but we need more groceries. Do you want to go to the store AND to McDonald’s today, or just to the store? Giving her some choices will help her feel better. Then, as she grows more comfortable again, cut back on the rewards and incentives. You don’t want her to be in the “driver’s seat” forever, just until she gets comfortable again.
Try that and let us know how it goes!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
And here’s another popular post on toddler fears (this one is about Bathtub Fears).
JACKI’S UPDATE:
Dear Dr. Heather,
Thank you so much for your help! I tried your suggestions. She got very upset at first, but I talked her thru it and gave her time to adjust. We stopped at McDonalds on the way. She did fine thru the drive-thru. She seemed better doing something familiar. She may be on her way back to herself. I won’t press it too much. She seems much more settled when I reassure her that daddy is coming home at night. I think I panicked because this went on for a week, and a week can seem like forever! Now she at least talks about going outside w/o panicking. I am glad to know that someone like you is available for these times. I appreciate it.
Jacki
~~My pleasure, Jacki! Glad to Help!
My 2 year old has been terrified of some typical things: a vacuum that sounds different from ours, an excavator at the park, a defunct computer mouse (that one’s really odd), a toy robot. However, he is only afraid of these things if both away from home and away from me. Otherwise, he loves construction equipment, robots, and computers. It’s a little upsetting to my friend when she babysits him and he hides from certain things. She puts the items away and comforts him. When I show up, he will happily play with the same item.
Hello! I have a concern about my 2 year old daughter, Amyla. Lately she has developed some strange fears. One of the biggest is fuzz. She was in the tub one night and saw a peice of fuzz from her sock. She seriously flipped out and started hysterically crying and screaming and shaking. She would not calm down until I got her out. Now when she sees a peices of lint or fuzz she flips out and runs away. She wont even get in the tub because she thinks there is fuzz in it. She does this even after I show her there isnt. I would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer me on helping her get over these odd fears. Thank You!!!
Hi Bobbi! Reassurance is the key — you can’t expect her to be “rational” at this age yet. Help her find something that feels reassuring to her — a little safety object — and explain how you and the object will help keep her safe from the fuzz. Allow HER to examine the fuzz at her pace — don’t under any circumstances force her to see that it’s safe — if SHE can control the fuzz, she is likely to want to check it out on her own terms. If you still need more help, visit my Parent Coaching page to talk with me directly. I’d be happy to help!
Hi Dr,
Great website indeed. i have always had concerns about my son who just turned two. generally speaking my son can be classified as a difficuld kid. his social phobia started at 4 months old and he got better when he started walking and became more comfortable with family members and strangers in general.
i worry about him because he seems to live in fear. everything seems to frighten him. such as the elevator, the reflection of the light on the wall, the spilling of water on his bed, flying insects and the list goes on !!!! should i seek medical help or is this behaviour normal? he is pretty extreme, he screams and screams, he is not just scared he is terrified !!!
we are going overseams next month and i am starting to get really stressed about it . Please Help me ! is my son normal?
Fears in toddlers are quite common. Being supportive and encouraging can help a great deal. But it sounds as if you’re worried that something goes beyond “normal” — and in that case I’d really like you to see a specialist who can evaluate him directly. A good Early Childhood specialist can give you lots of great tips, and let you know if he needs any extra help. Also ask the specialist to consider sensory difficulties — which are commonly overlooked in young children. Good luck and let us know!!
Okay, I have been doing some research on this, but can’t seem to find out what to do. My son is 2 1/2. My son loved helicopters and planes.. but one day he woke up and told me that he had a bad dream and the helicopter hit daddys head. We are a military family and so helicopters are flying over at least 5 times a day. When I tell him to go potty.. scared of helicopters… tell him to go get his toy, scared of helicopters. I tell him lets go get the mail, scared of helicopters. Anything that means leaving the room, he says he is scared. We have talked about this, alot of reassuring, even took a trip to the firedepartment.. he loves firemen, and they explained helicopters are good boys. Today, we watched videos of helicopters.. and I bought friendly preschool books about helicopters. What do I do????
I love reading your advice on different topics. I have a 2 yr old who is suddenly scared of the dark. Night lights don’t help. He’s been waking up with night terrors every night between 2-4. He stands at his door saying I’m scared. He wants out of his room and wants to watch cartoons or be comforted by sleeping with mommy and daddy. He won’t tell me what is scaring him, and this is odd bc we have great communication. He always demands a bottle of milk at this time,but even then refuses to go bck to sleep. I personally think we are dealing with a child with reoccurring night terrors bc he darts out of the room shaking all over as soon as I open the door. If I try to gently coax him bck in the room, he looks like he sees someone and starts screaming. How do you think I should handle this situation? My husband and I are getting no sleep, and we have got to come up with some different solution.