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Are high-tech toys good — or bad — for young children?

I was recently contacted by Aaron Crowe, who’s doing a story for the AOL personal finance site WalletPop on the use of high-tech toys with young children. He had some interesting questions about the pros and cons of these ubiquitous gadgets. He specifically asked about these new-fangled iPhone apps that are designed to entertain the little ones. With spring break upon us, lots of us are traveling with young kids and want whatever help we can get to make it through those TSA lines at the airport and to our destination with our sanity generally intact. So, are these apps super-cool parent-helpers, or brain-damaging demon gadgets?

There hasn’t been conclusive research on this subject yet. Some of you have seen my articles on TV-watching and young kids. There are some conflicting research studies on the impact of TV, but no “smoking gun” as to clear-cut negative effects — that is, if you are careful as to WHAT is watched, and for HOW LONG. I think we can reasonably assume that the use of high-tech gadgetry has a similar impact on kids as to that of TV.

Another Balancing Act for the Good-Enough Parent
A Good-Enough Parent is one who balances the child’s needs within the scope of the needs of the whole family. A Good-Enough Parent doesn’t worry that playing with a high-tech toy during a long wait at an airport will do damage to their child, but rather is grateful for the help of technology and takes the opportunity to grab a coffee and have a few minutes of peace, while their child is “app-happy”. After that brief interlude to get re-charged for the trip, a Good Enough Parent focuses back on the child and looks for ways to make the trip fun — or at least tolerable — without the gadget. But guess what? If you’re traveling under serious degrees of difficulty — as in, multiple young children, lots of delays, transfers, or red-eye flights, that high-tech gadget might come in really handy. And if your toddler or preschooler ends up using it the whole darn trip, IT’S OK WITH ME. The only danger is in getting used to relying on the high-tech toys after the trip, and forgetting that, deep down, what kids really want is to play with their parents. Simple family-oriented time together is what young children need most.

Because to me, the main issue is BALANCE and MODERATION. Use of your cell-phone apps for toddlers on a daily basis? (Insert loud buzzing sound here.) Use of said apps to get through an otherwise painful trip? Ding ding ding! Go for it! Because you know how technology works — kids go through a phase where they really get into a new gizmo, and then after awhile, lose their enthusiasm. It’s up to us as parents to create an environment where kids (and we grown-ups!) can enjoy conversations, simple games, and creative toys to balance out the high tech stimulation we all get on a daily basis.

Thanks, Aaron, for the opportunity to be used as an “expert” for your feature.

If you’re interested, check out his story here.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear Dr. Heather,

I am worried about my 3-year-old daughter, who has made 2 comments about her “bottom” in the last 2 weeks. She didn’t want me to look at her bottom when I was putting a pull-up on her. When I asked her why, she said “I don’t know.” And visiting her grandparents’ house, she was getting dressed for the day and told her grandma that she didn’t want grandpa to see her bottom. I know that her grandpa would NEVER EVER do anything inappropriate…as a matter of fact, he has never even changed her diaper when she was younger. There is nobody else who she is in contact with who would EVER do anything inappropriate either. But I am concerned. I have never used the word “bottom”. I do not leave my girls alone with men or even just grandpas or other children (like playing in their room by themselves). They have to play where I can see them.

What I want to know is this: Do preschoolers develop a self-awareness of their body to a point where they don’t want certain people seeing them in their undies, or in the bathtub….at what age and is this normal? What should I be doing at this point? My number one priority is protecting my young daughters.

Signed,

Anonymous — and Fearful — Mom

Dear Fearful Mom,

Sometimes it’s hard to see our babies venture into territory like this. Body awareness, along with a sense of “private parts”, is a first step in a child’s developing sexuality. This can trigger strong feelings in us as parents, especially for those who have lingering issues over sexuality, or perhaps have experienced some sort of sexual abuse or inappropriateness in our own pasts. The natural response is to hypervigilant about any possible danger, and to protect your child at any cost. But this can get in the way of your child’s growing — and normal — awareness of his or her own body.

So YES, children do start to develop a beginning sense of body awareness — and privacy — by age 3. It’s not a fully-formed sense yet, but preschoolers do start to pick up on the fact that some areas of the body are “private”. It’s a complicated idea and so at first they can get confused. They might not totally understand whom you DO and DON’T show your private parts to….it would not be unusual for a 3-year-old to act shy about her “bottom”, even with a parent. Then there may be other times where she will run around naked, with no inhibitions. They’re trying to figure out the “rules” about who can view which body parts. It’s a long process that takes at least a couple of years to really come to grips with what is a complicated — and “loaded” — concept.

You mention that you’re worried about where she heard the word “bottom”, since you don’t use it in your family. You might think about where else she might have picked it up. Does she go to preschool? Or have friends that use the word “bottom”? Those are possibilities. She could have even overheard a mother talking to her child about it at the grocery store, for instance, “Sit on your bottom when you are in the shopping cart.” Of course I can’t know, but I’m just thinking of how often you hear parents talking to toddlers and preschoolers about stuff like that in public. Maybe that’s where she heard it.

Now, it sounds as if you are afraid something inappropriate might have happened. Of course I cannot say one way or another if that is the case; I’m not evaluating your daughter, only giving you some parenting information. But I can tell you that, usually, children who have been sexually abused show MANY signs of disturbance and regression including sleep, appetite, behavioral, and other problems. Simply using an unfamiliar word — by itself — would not necessarily concern me. I would look at her OVERALL behavior over a period of time. Of course if you have reasonable suspicion, you should report those suspicions to her doctor and the authorities. But hopefully this is just part of the normal process of your daughter learning about “public” and “private” body parts — a task that all preschoolers do work on at this age.

You might also want to check out another article of mine on the normal development of sexual sensations in preschoolers. Click here for it.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you need more help.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Hi Dr. Heather,

I have a sleep question regarding my 11-month-old. Since he was 5 months, he successfully fell asleep in his crib after our nightly routine, and woke 2 or fewer times to nurse. Similarly with naps. We do not use any type of music or white noise when putting him to sleep.

We have always had a music box in his crib. We usually turn this on when we put him in the crib for “safe keeping” while we wash our hands after a diaper change. We do not use it for sleep.

In the last 2 weeks or so, we have noticed he frequently uses the music box. Now when we put him down, he will get up less than a minute later and turn on the music box. Sometimes he will play with it for a few minutes (turning it off and on) – but eventually he will usually lay down and fall asleep. We have noticed him using it in the middle of the night as well – sometimes letting it play out then turning it back on again. (Usually this is after I have gone in due to his crying and put him back down again).

Putting him down for naps has been a struggle this past 6 weeks or so, and the last 2 weeks he has been playing with the music box during naps, sometimes falling asleep, sometimes crying after he is done playing and defiantly not going to fall asleep anytime soon. (about 60/40).

Okay, so all that to ask: Is this okay? I do not want my baby dependent on a lighted music box to fall asleep, and I do not want him playing in the middle of the night. But, if this is how he “self-soothes” . . . Will this become a dependency problem or will he grow to not need the music box? Should we let this continue as he chooses or should we turn off the music box or do we need to remove it from his crib? What do you think?

Thank You,
Angie

Dear Angie,

Thanks for your question! You’re not the only one to wonder about this; our 3rd baby used to do the same thing, with a very similar music box. We’d be asleep late at night, then all of a sudden we’d hear that familiar tune coming from his room. What the heck? We’d wonder. Our little guy was in there, happily rolling around, very pleased that he’d turned on the music all by himself.

At first we worried that we’d have to take out the music box, since we didn’t want him to be up and playing, late at night. Then I realized…Hey, instead of crying for me at midnight, he’s entertaining himself. This is a good thing, right? I left him alone in there and sure enough, he’d fall asleep on his own after awhile.

Because the overall drift of our parenting goals is to support them in being independent, as soon as they are ready. And babies and toddlers DO normally still frequently waken at night, it’s just an issue for us when we have to get up too to help them get back to sleep. But if they’re handling it on their own? That’s a good thing. I also recall that the late-night-music-party was a short phase. The excitement ran out after awhile and then we were on to the next dilemma.

And now that your little guy is approaching toddlerhood, you’re going to get a lot more testing along these lines. The nap issue is always going to be there, in one form or another, through toddlerhood. The music-box thing is only his first effort to avoid naps. Most toddlers go through phases where they’re really good at napping, and then take a stab at trying to stay awake. Let your expectations be known, urge him to nap, but don’t get too worked up about it. He’ll make up for any lost sleep at night, or when he’s done testing you with that particular phase.

But I also hear that you’re concerned about being consistent as a parent, and not wanting to send him mixed messages. Listen: Don’t worry. It sounds to me as if you’re trying to be very consistent, and all you can really do is send a general message of what you expect from him. There is a lot of parenting advice out there that says you need to be consistent to a fault. I don’t agree with that. These are people we’re talking about! And rigidity is never a good approach in dealing with people, large or small. We have to be flexible as well as consistent, as our kids think up all sorts of new wrinkles to throw at us.

I, too, used to over-worry about the importance of being perfectly consistent, until my mentor suggested that I lighten up. “A habit isn’t a habit until it IS a habit,” she told me. In other words, you’re trying to be consistent in order to instill a sense of structure, predictability, and behavioral expectations. But you can do that by being generally consistent; it doesn’t have to be a 100% effort. I promise: You’re allowed to be flexible — I even strongly SUGGEST that you’re flexible. It offers a good model to our kids that we can consider new situations and not be rigid about them. Consider every new situation afresh, THEN make your decision.

So next time you hear that familiar music drifting out of your son’s room late at night, try to let the music calm YOU back to sleep too. Your baby is getting bigger, and soon he’ll be getting into bis “big boy bed”, and then you’ll have reason to worry about new things…wandering in the night, monsters, and everything that goes along with THAT phase. So enjoy this time when he’s still captive in his crib!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink