I Need Your Most Challenging Baby-Parenting Stories!
April 1, 2010 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Babies
When our first child was 3 months old, a stranger in a coffee shop stopped to “ooh and aah” over her. “Is she your first?” He asked. When I nodded through my sleep-deprived haze, he went on to say, “A first child is always showered with love — and anxiety.”
He didn’t stay long enough to explain this pithy statement, but it really is true. Our hearts are rent open forever, exposed outside our bodies, by the vulnerability we now feel, and by the love and havoc wreaked by these tiny creatures. The first baby gets the brunt of our fears, projections, stress and worries. Becoming parents changes us from the inside out, and those early weeks and months are unique in our lives.
People, you’ve been good to me these past 2 years. I appreciate your support, your questions, and your stories. Now it’s time for me to take the next step and announce my next project — No, I’M NOT PREGNANT AGAIN. (Sheesh! I just had my fourth….give me a break people!) No – I’m writing a book. And I need your stories for my book on — what else? — parenting babies.
I need the lessons you learned, the dilemmas that vexed you, the memories you’ll carry with you forever. And I promise I’ll share mine too.
Please try to dig down in your memory for dilemmas, lessons learned (or not learned) and things you wished you’d known in those early weeks and months of parenting for the first time. And if you’re living it now, even better — what anxieties do you have? What challenges you most? Thanks in advance. Comment here, or email me.
As always,
With aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
One lesson I learned pretty quick was to trust my own instincts. Some of the biggest problems I had with breastfeeding were when I let other people convince me I was doing it wrong, only later to learn (through experience and from qualified experts) that what I had started doing naturally and instinctively was exactly what I needed to do with my baby and body.
A little later on, I remember reading a sleep book that said my child needed to be sleeping a certain way and getting really stressed out about it. After lots of stress I finally figured out the book was wrong (at least about my child) and feeling so much better when I just did what was best for us.
Over and over again I have learned that most likely my first instinct is correct, and that I know my child better than anyone, so it’s okay to ignore advice that doesn’t make sense for us.
Your blog has always been a big help because you seem to advocate a more relaxed, “good enough” parenting approach where you pay more attention to your family and your child’s needs, instead of conforming to some arbitrary standard.
I think for me the biggest surprise was how COMPLETELY having a baby changed my life. I don’t just mean in the ways you’d expect, but in every single way! My worldview, spirituality, and politics changed, the way I slept, ate and went through my day changed, my dreams and ambitions changed. Heck, even going to the bathroom changed! There is not one single aspect of my life, from mundane to profound, that is the same.
My advice to anyone I know who is pregnant (or thinking of having kids) is to keep that in mind. Give yourself permission to sort of wade through all of the changes and differences you will experience. YOU are like a newborn at first as well, learning as you go, finding new ways to do things and – YES – failing at some! I think keeping in mind that you don’t have to be perfect – that being “good enough” is completely acceptable at times – takes a little of the pressure off.
We were hit hard with an EXTREMELY collicky baby (for the first 14 months!), and it took its toll. Having close family and/or friends is always a great resource, but I found that web sites like this one, along with parenting blogs and forums honestly gave me an outlet where I could seek advice from women who were in the trenches too, and without feeling like my family or friends might see me as a “bad mom.” It may sound silly, but I also remember one thing that kept me sane was thinking “Well, she’ll never remember that I did this wrong!” Of course, the older my kiddo gets, the less that one works.
When our two children were babies (but especially the first), I think the biggest anxieties my wife and I faced were in figuring out what was “normal” about their physical condition. Shouldn’t he be eating/sleeping/pooping more? Is that a rash? Why won’t she stop crying? Is it just teething? Why isn’t he walking yet?
It’s an education process, one that you cobble together from your the opinions of friends and relatives (preferably ones who have kids), books, Web site discussion boards and the advice of your pediatrician. We are lucky to have a whole host of pediatricians and nurses in our kids’ practice who gladly fielded our many anxious phone calls, including one that led to an ER visit while we were on vacation!
Looking back, our kids were mostly in perfect health, but there sure were times when just didn’t know enough to make that assessment ourselves.
Now that they are older, my biggest anxieties come from instilling values and doling out discipline, two things that go hand in hand. My favorite pieces of advice along these lines:
1. Only say “no” when it really matters (i.e. pick your battles).
2. When there is no danger of serious physical harm, let your children experience the natural consequences of their actions. (e.g. not putting on that jacket = kid who is cold, but otherwise unharmed)
3. Teach your kids to argue. See: http://www.figarospeech.com/teach-a-kid-to-argue/
4. Stop and ask yourself how much of that argument/meltdown that just occurred stemmed from your own reaction to a level of anxiety or stress? (e.g. I’m going to be late for work, so why are you moving so slow?!)
5. Read this book: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
Thanks so much for your comment on my blog! Unfortunately I haven’t been as good about keeping my blog updated lately – I just started a new job with the Arizona Hospital & Healthcare Assoc. (http://www.azhha.org), which is keeping me busy. I really love your site and will absolutely spread word about it as well as your terrific resources. Thanks for putting me in the Aloha spirit today! Much Aloha back to you!!
Kristin
I was anxious about so many things! I wish I would have enjoyed my first child more, instead of worrying so much. I worried about breastfeeding, about sleeping, about teething, pooping, you name it. I was also constantly comparing him to other babies, trying to figure out if he was “normal.” I guess that was my way to measure myself to see if I was doing a good job. I don’t remember enjoying my son’s babyhood, and I feel bad about that. If I could go back and give my former self some advice, I would tell her to give the baby to his father more, go take a walk or read a book. Let the baby cry once in a while, and let him learn to soothe himself. Cuddle him more, even if he squirms a lot. Also start giving him real food as soon as he’s ready, skip the baby food “meals.” Be calm, be a parent. Look at the long-term instead of the short-term solution, even if it’s hard in the short-term!
Suzanne,
I too was so freaked out about everything. I wish there was a way to go back and do it again, but as in so many things in life being a parent is a “learn by doing” proposition. I guess we just have to be kind to ourselves about it and be grateful everything is going well. I must say, it is one of the things I am enjoying about this 4th baby — I do have some more perspective about it all and can enjoy it a lot more (even if I am more sleep-deprived than ever!)