The Quotable Parent: The Fabulous Fraiberg #2 — Fear and the Young Child

I’m plowing through essential classic parenting titles as I write my own book. Fraiberg is such a gem, and even 50 years after publication, this book is a giant among

parenting titles. In this next section, she elaborates on the theme of the child’s own innate ability to deal with fears. She give us a timely reminder that we need to trust in the inner ability of our children to cope with their own difficulties. Of course they need us to assist and support them in that process, but the “equipment” is there, naturally. These days too many of us get caught up in worrying that we need to teach our kids every single thing, and don’t give them enough space to work on solving their own problems. I find it quite a relief to be reminded that my kids are far from a tabula rasa — a blank slate — but rather, they come pre-loaded with all sorts of fancy developmental abilities.

(Normally) the child overcomes his fears. And here is the most fascinating question of all: How does he do it? For the child is equipped with the means for overcoming his fears. Even in the second year he possesses a marvelously complex mental system which provides the means for anticipating danger, assessing danger, defending against danger, and overcoming danger. Whether this quipment can be successfully employed will depend, of course, on the parents who, in a sense, teach him to use his equipment. This means that if we understand the nature of the developing child and those parts of his personality that work for solution and resolution toward mental health, we are in the best position to assist him in developing his inner resources for dealing with fears.

From Selma Fraiberg’s The Magic Years, page 6.

So as parents, the best we can do is to understand the developmental process, know the temperamental realities of our own kids, and hold their hands while they walk through the tricky spots. No parenting “technique” can take the place of a genuinely interested, centered, and supportive parent — one who knows when to step in and help, and one who knows when to hang back and trust the magic of the developmental process.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink