When Baby Prefers One Parent: What To Do?
July 21, 2010 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Annoying Toddler Behaviors, Babies, Developmental Grab-Bag, Motherhood
Dear Dr. Heather,
Our 25-month-old granddaughter has an unusually strong attachment to her mother.
Don't Take It Personally, Dad.
Her parents have been very responsive to her since her birth. Our toddler is easy with other people including her regular caregiver, grand-parents, other extended family and just about everyone else. The problem is that when her mother is around she has a strong preference for her, to the exclusion of most others. This happens about 60% of the time.
Her mother and father are gentle and kind and fun-loving. They respond to her emotions and explain the world to her. They are consistent with their house “rules” and explain the world to her so that things make as much sense as possible. She is a bright, articulate, inquisitive, active little girl and appears to be developing normally. Again, the problem is just that she clings to tenaciously to her mom. This is trying on her dad and also tiring for mom.
Any tips on how to reduce the clinging and increase her involvement with others when her mother is present?
Thanks very much.
Grandma
~~~~~~
Dear “Grandma”,
What you’re describing is the sign of a healthy attachment to her mother. Babies at this age have a hard time being in intense relationships with more than one person at a time. Strong parental preferences are COMMON. Unpleasant at times, inconvenient often, but COMMON and NORMAL, at this age. The first step is understanding it, the next step is rewarding her when she works well with her father, you, or other adults. She should be gently encouraged and praised for steps in the right direction, but never scolded if she prefers mom, since this will only work against you.
Your granddaughter is at a stage of venturing out into the world, and then coming back to her “base of comfort” as needed to “refuel”, emotionally. As she gains confidence this will naturally abate. Also, as she grows closer to age 3, she will be more curious about the different activities her father and you can share with her, and this will help too.
I can certainly relate, as I am currently on both ends of the preference spectrum with various of my own children. I’m top of the list with my 9-month-old and 4-year-old, and bottom of the totem pole with my 7 and 9-year-olds — Daddy is their current favorite. All of us need to be understanding about the temporary preferences that our children express — please don’t take it personally, nor should her father. Your time (and his) will come…I promise!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Agreeing with you Dr. Heather.
Up until recently, we had the same issue except my little one preferred his dad. I worked full time and when I wasn’t working, I was making his breakfast, packing his lunch, getting him dressed, and doing the educational stuff. Dad was all fun. My toddler saw me as maintenance and dad as entertainment. (This was the same in my house growing up.)
We made a few adjustments, and now things are much more balanced. He actually seems to prefer mommy now.
The “preference” issue is extremely taxing. When I have to be gone early in the morning and I get home in the late afternoon, my 20 month old daughter runs to her dad for everything and it’s actually creating issues between my husband and I. Regardless whether he disciplines her or whatever, I always feel like I’m the bad guy no matter how much I try to engage in her life because she always wants her dad. It’s very hurtful and I don’t like it.
Milania,
I know it hurts. But please don’t take it personally. Your daughter is behaving in a very typical manner, and 20-month-olds don’t worry about other people’s feelings. Sometimes YOU have to be the “bad guy”, and sometimes it will be your husband’s turn. This may last for months so I hope you can find a way to remind yourself that one day, your turn to be the “good guy” will again return!
It’s VERY important that you and your husband find a way around this issue — don’t let it impact your relationship. That’s what will ultimately be very damaging for the family — if you let a toddler get in between your husband and yourself. TOO MUCH POWER for such a tiny little person. If you find you and your husband are struggling about this for longer than a few weeks, I would strongly suggest you seek relationship counseling with a good therapist who can help you iron out these issues. The optimal development of your child and the happiness of your family may depend on it.
Good Luck!