“Crying It Out”: Acceptable — or Abuse?
December 14, 2011 by Dr. Heather
Filed under Attachment Parenting, Babies, BabyGeek, Depression, Sleep
Sometimes I need a good cry before a nap, too.
One of the most primitive, innate reactions any mom has is to comfort her crying child. But as we’ve talked about here before, many babies can tolerate — and thrive — with some crying, when their parents thoughtfully decide why and when that might be necessary.
That’s why articles like this leave me mystified — especially when they come from one of my shrink colleagues. Her bottom line is that CIO is dangerous. She trots out all the old arguments, hailing the Dr. Sears “science” behind her claims, and providing one of the most common misinterpretations of infant research. She makes the mistake that clinical research findings about abused and maltreated babies — babies who were pervasively denied their needs over the long-term — should be applied to NORMAL babies in NORMAL families.
The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD.
More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common –and dangerous — condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby — and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.
Firebombs like those thrown in the Psychology Today article only make the burden heavier on moms. What a shame.
Aloha as always,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
PS: Wow, what a response! After commenting here, please also see the comments developing over at the Fussy Baby Site.
Thanks for posting your take on this. I’ve been seeing the Psychology Today article making the rounds on parenting forums, and I hate to think of how many parents see it and either feel incredible guilt that they did CIO or feel like one more parenting tool has been taken away from them. I did CIO with my daughter and it worked. I did not abandon her. She was well-fed and knew that it was bedtime. I returned over and over to let her know that I heard her and was there to support her, and I offered my comfort. I fed her if she woke up hungry later in the night. It was just time for her to learn to go to sleep on her own. I felt that was more respectful TO HER than bouncing her around until she was lulled to sleep and then sneaking her into bed (and running the risk of her waking up the instant I lowered her – angry because she thought we should bounce around all night). The result of our CIO experience was that she got awesome sleep – going down happily for bedtime and naptime – and was well-rested during the day so that she could play, learn, and engage with her world fully. An added bonus was that my husband and I could start feeling rested ourselves and be better parents during the day. Anyway, I’ve heard the same arguments over and over about the dangers of CIO, and coming from a research background myself, I expect that some research has been misinterpreted to support this theory. I’m never really sure until I read the research myself, so I’m working on that and will write a blog post on it soon. Thanks again for the work you do!
http://compassionatemotherhood.blogspot.com/2010/12/sleep-solutions-anti-cio-resources.html
and
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out
There is evidence one should not use this practice.
For an infant, comfort is a need just as much as eating and getting a diaper change. An infants only communication tool is her cry. When a parent deliberately ignores her attempts at communication it is negligent and damaging and hampers the infants ability to trust in the long term.
Babies do not manipulate. They harbor no ill will towards a care giver. While they may prefer to be held or be used to being held, there is no trickery or deceit in what they do. So when an infant cries, they have a need that YOU as their care giver are there to fulfill. ::GASP!:: How DARE someone want to hold and coddle their crying baby. Even on the days I haven’t showered in a week and my older 2 are screaming and running and the house is a wreck, my infant will NOT “cry it out” i love her too much to leave her abandoned in a swing/crib/room to cry until she is too tired to do so. An infant is not capable of rational thought. IE “oh, once I stop crying they will let me out” or “oh, I’m ok. I’ll stop crying”. They simply learn that no one will respond to their cries and they learn at WAY too young of an age to internalize emotion.
I do think I’ve you are close to harming yourself or the baby, by all means put the baby down and walk away. Get someone to help you. But do not let your child “cry it out” b/c you do not want to hold them, spoil them, listen to them, figure out what need is not being met and meet it, and even just listen to that poor thing cry when she has an upset tummy or colic. Be a parent. Parenthood is NOT always fun or predictable and it sure as hell is not convenient or easy… but you chose it. Now do it to the best of your ability and stop half ass-ing it and think it’s ok to let your child scream until she throws up. Yeah… That will teach her.
Here is a gem from this author, everyone should know what this ”expert” thinks: ”If breastfeeding is causing you too much strain and guilt…it’s just not worth it.”
Ok, I know that being a new parent is hard. Sometimes you just want time to yourself, I understand that. However, I am an adult, and your child is not. They just want to be near you. Say what you want, CIO is harmful and unnecessary. You may wonder, who am I to say this? I am the mother of four wonderful children, ages 10, 8 , 5, and 9 months. They are my children, and by deciding to give birth to them, I have also decided that it is my responsibility to be there for them. I’ll tell you something else. All 3 of the older children go to bed fine, despite never being left alone to cry. It’s difficult, it’s time consuming, but it’s worth it. If your children are crying, they need you, plain and simple. If you don’t respond consistently, all your baby will learn is that the world is a cold, uncaring place, and crying, their only way of communicating, is useless. It’s such a short time in their lives, and we owe it to them to respond. Suppose you as an adult had a problem and despite you yelling and crying about it, no one came to help. You would feel abandoned and helpless. That’s what those babies feel who are left to CIO. Get over yourself and go respond to your baby. All he/she wants is you. Is that too much to give?
I believe the research is sound. It makes sense that too much stress could damage a growing baby’s brain. Too much stress can damage an adult’s brain. Infants are not used to this new world around them. They are like primitive humans. All they know is that when Mom isn’t around they just might die.
I don’t suffer from sleep deprivation and I never let my children CIO. I think it is absurd to expect a baby to understand that adults want to sleep so they shouldn’t feel lost or need the warmth of their mother. Of course, I bed share so you may already think me to be one of the crazies, but my children never go down fighting. The bed is a warm, safe, and comfortable place for them. They are only too willing to lay down. My 2.5 year old even goes to sleep willingly by herself more often than not. To suggest that making sure your child feels safe may lead to PPD is just terrible!
Also, just because a baby is fed and dry does not mean they need nothing else. I like to be held and cuddled still. What if they are having teething pain and just need your comfort? What if they have a terrible gas bubble or tummy problems? There are so many things that, as a parent, you can not predict and a baby can only tell you in one way. If my senses are telling me to comfort my baby, then I will. It is wrong to ignore that.
Just because you don’t believe the findings does not make them any less accurate. Perhaps you are trying to soothe your own issues surrounding CIO, making yourself feel better about using such a method. Instead, do your own research or accept the research for what it is and do better next time. You did what you could with the information you had. Now that you know, you can change:)
There is no proof CIO is safe, either.
I do think there is a difference between CIO with an infant and letting a toddler occasionally cry for a few minutes because they don’t want to go to bed. But a baby who hasn’t mastered object permanence? Damage or no damage I think it’s cruel.
The fact that you mentioned is that mothers do not want to let their children cry. It is “harder” on them to let their baby cry. So why ignore the instincts that have served us as mothers for thousands of years? Babies cry to communicate and we are primed to answer their communication and meet their needs. No amount of “professionals” are going to convince me that ignoring my child is ok or even beneficial.
If people stopped being so concerned with what their neighbors kid was doing, when their tiny child was going to stop being an inconvenience to them and just parented – day and **gasp** night, how much happier would families be? No keeping up with the Joneses, no ignoring your instincts because someone with letters behind their names says so. Just caring for your children and providing what they need, which is sometimes nothing more than you to be there.
B: Hmmm. I never said to simply ignore your child. And I never said this was about “convenience” for parents. And I never said this was about “keeping up with the Joneses”. But I did say this is about understanding that a few minutes of crying in certain situations may be beneficial to helping your child — and your whole family — get more sleep. And sleep deprivation isn’t an “inconvenience” — it’s a medically proven risk factor for illness, injury, and accident (not to mention postpartum depression, which can be deadly).
Melissa: There IS proof that parental misattunement is the norm — not the exception (see Tronick). So babies learn from an early age that parents aren’t perfect — and do very well under those conditions. Does that give us permission to be “cruel”? Of course not. I don’t define a few minutes of crying — for certain babies, who constitutionally can handle it — as cruel. In fact, NOT teaching them how to sleep might be considered cruel — did you know that some babies simply don’t sleep well when they are close to their parents, for instance? It’s too stimulating (I had one of those). She didn’t sleep at all until I put her down and let her cry for 5 minutes — then she slept great. Otherwise, she was awake and fussy and miserable all day — and all night.
Aura: Well, I don’t interpret others’ motivations for their parenting decisions — and I would appreciate it if you didn’t interpret mine. In fact, I think the kind of harsh, judging attitude you display here is responsible for the many, many moms I hear from who feel criticized and judged in one of the most personal jobs in the world — parenting. You can’t possibly know my kids and what they need — and I can’t know yours. That’s what this site is all about — all of us trying to muddle through, learning about each of our children and what they need, as individuals. No “SanctiMommy” advice from me.
Elisa: Wow. Let me repeat myself. Of course consistency is important. Of course being responsive is important. And I defy you to promise me that you always, 100% of the time, respond with 100% attunement to your baby. It’s simply not possible. And you know what? Luckily, it’s not necessary to be 100% attuned. (As I said, see Tronick’s fascinating research.)
Natasha, I’m allowing your comment because I find your harsh, judgmental attitude to be a perfect example of the kind of critical attacks that many women receive from other moms like yourself. Who are we to make such critical judgments? Have you actually read my articles on breastfeeding? Please go back and read them again to more clearly understand my views.
Brittany: Easy and convenient aren’t my goals. A healthy, well-functioning family is my goal. That — and supporting parents in their decisions, even if they’re different from mine.
Ashley: Sigh. OK, let’s go through this again — I am not urging parents to “deliberately ignore their child’s attempts at communication.” I am voicing the concerns of those who are unfairly judged — by those like you — who are also trying to make the best decisions for their baby and family. Some babies do better if they cry for a few minutes. And sometimes, babies cry just to blow off steam. And sometimes, they desperately need to be held. When my babies were sick or going through a rough time, of course we didn’t do CIO. And during the day, we are responsive to every need we feel is appropriate. Some babies — tempermentally — don’t tolerate CIO. One of my babies was like that — so we didn’t do CIO for him. The others did fine with a few minutes of crying once in awhile before bed. It’s all about learning the temperament and developmental stage your baby is in at the time – as well as the needs of the whole family.
My reading of the evidence is not the same as yours, Natasha. Clinical studies looking at long-term neglect and abuse are not the same as a few minutes of crying at night. Of course neglect and abuse are bad and cause long-term damage. What do you say to one of my clients who actually crashed her car driving her baby to a pediatrician’s appointment — she was so sleep deprived that she couldn’t function, had no source of support for sleep, and her baby was difficult to soothe on top of that? The poor lady was on the verge of suicide, and nearly avoided severe injury in the car accident. Sleep deprivation is not something to brush off. It can kill.
Alice, thanks so much for your comment. I’m glad you’re there as a voice of balance and reason — and I appreciate your taking the time to share your experience of CIO. Please let me know when your post on your lit review is up!
I disagree with everything you have said, and while the report you criticize may not be proven at least its backed up by science. And apparently mothers instincts, 75% or more of women responding to you, disagree. You trash the science bhind anyti cio methods, and then continue to provide 1 anecdotal example, your trying to pass as a doctor?
Its not about making mothers feel guilty, its about reducing as many risk factors you can and providing your child with the best start in life. If your not willing to make the commitment to raise a child even if its inconvenient, why should a person even decide to bring a child into this world then.
Also if you were legitimate and confident in your post, you wouldn’t have argued with each comment you received, and wouldn’t talk about patients, if you really have them you wouldn’t be talking about them. Have some professionalism, please. Though I guess it shows to the quality of your information.
There is a difference between “crying it out” and “fussing”. Leaving an infant to cry until exhausted is wrong. Letting an infant fuss for a few minutes after lying down can lead to independent self-soothing. My daughter as an infant was confused, hurt, and agitated when left alone to sleep. Not comforting her immediately was damaging to her, and so it was something I did not do. My niece, on the other hand, LIKES to fuss a bit before sleeping. The tone of the cry as well as how long it lasts makes it clear to me whether or not I should comfort. Sometimes my niece isn’t ready to sleep and needs extra comfort, but usually after 2 minutes of fussing she’s out like a light.
On the other hand, putting a screaming baby down into a crib and leaving the room when the caregiver is feeling extremely overwhelmed may be the safest thing for baby. This is not the same as letting a baby cry it out- it is taking a necessary time-out to avoid harming the child. It is more harmful to shake a baby than to leave him/her screaming alone in the crib for an hour or two.
Honestly, I think parents would be much better parents if they ignored Psychology Today and Dr. Sears and instead followed their instincts.
The information is out there, not with the purpose of making some parents feel guilt, children need to be advocated for, they don’t have a voice. Parents have a choice as adults to do other things to get more sleep, i.e taking naps with their babies instead of worrying about their house looking perfectly spotless, is a matter of taking a moment to think about priorities, babies are babies for a short period of time, is a commitment, we are the adults and should be able to understand better ways to cover our own needs, they depend 100% on us, an infant is not developmentally ready to sleep the whole night and on their own, setting wrong developmental expectations is what makes parents angry, resentful and anxious.
Rebecca: I agree. A big part of the conflict here is in people’s definition of “CIO”. Is ANY amount of crying considered “CIO”? Is 5 seconds of crying “damaging”? There is no accepted parameters or definitions here. But when considering your baby’s temperament, age, and the situation — most parents make the best decision for their family, using their parental instincts.
Not a fan of CIO, but do understand that sometimes it is the ‘lesser evil’ for stressed parents.
Vanessa, here is one place we definitely agree: I never advocate for cleaning your house over taking care of your baby (you should see my house!) — and understanding your child’s developmental needs AND temperament are crucial aspects of deciding what’s best for them. For some babies, I would NEVER advocate crying, even for a short time. Other babies can certainly handle some crying, with no ill effects.
I remember my sister in law, her partner and baby coming to stay with my husband and I. Her baby was 6 m.o. and our first was 1yr at the time. We fed on demand, co-slept, carried him, they used all the traditional methods. I can’t remember if he was sleeping during the night at that point, but there was never any crying during the night, minimal disruption to sleep, it just wasn’t ever an issue as we co-slept and he was happy and settled. Anyway, we woke up during the night alarmed by the sound of their baby crying. It’s an alarming sound for a good reason. We sat up in bed really freaked out at the sound of a helpless baby crying and crying, screaming in fact, we paced the corridor, we debated if we should go in, he cried for 40 minutes!!
The next morning we spoke to the mum about her methods, we told her how long he cried and she said “oh no, we go in to his room after ten minutes if he’s still crying, talk to him, then leave again for another ten minutes, never longer” etc. She was really surprised that we timed him crying for 40mins and said she didn’t hear him even though they were all sleeping in the one room (because visiting). I think this story demonstrates one of the dangers, there is no way I could have slept through my baby crying and not woken up, I generally woke a couple of seconds before him sensing the change, but when parents practice CIO they are training *themselves* to cut off from their instincts, which worries me a lot. Sleep deprivation and sever exhaustion are dangerous and unsustainable, but there are other options that don’t involve purposely leaving a baby to cry on their own.
I am not sure that it is a good idea to leave any baby, regardless of their temperament, to cry. I agree that some babies seem to tolerate crying before sleep better than others. Usually higher-need babies get more upset if you let them to cry, while “easier” babies calm themselves down faster and i might seem like CIO is working for them. However, I wonder if it is still as damaging for those “laid back” babies as it is for “high need” ones. The “laid back” ones just give up sooner.
I was definitely a compliant child, but sometimes I wish I could’ve been more vocal at expressing my needs. And I wish my parents encouraged me to do so more, when I was little.
I have two boys and my first-born was definitely a “high need” baby – very demanding, very vocal, he would let everyone know his needs. CIO would’ve never worked in his case. However, my second son is much more laid back and I’m sure if I let him CIO it would’ve probably “worked” for him. He usually “gives in” much faster than his brother and not as persistent in expressing his needs. BUT he still has those needs! In some ways parenting an “easy” baby is actually harder, since it is easier to dismiss his/her needs.
My Mom says that I was an “easy” baby. However, being a grown up now and learning more about myself, I’m not so sure
Genevieve:
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Of course I would have been alarmed as well if I had witnessed what you saw. I must say, however, that the vast majority of parents I know never got a wink of sleep while their babies were fussing. In fact, one of the real difficulties of CIO is that it is so totally disruptive for awhile that it’s not sustainable for many families (especially those with other young children who would be woken by CIO). Most parents pace nearby, worrying if they are making the right decision, wondering if the baby will fall asleep, or if they themselves will ever get any sleep. It’s often a very difficult situation, but in my experience there isn’t a “cutting off” of parental instincts, but a real conflict of parental instincts that takes place. But that conflict existed before the CIO, when the parents were roused from sleep 3, 4, 5, or 10 times every night for months or years. “What’s the right thing to do?” With no clear answer.
Many parents are fortunate enough to have babies who sleep easily from the start, or in a co-sleeping situation. But many of us are not so lucky. We have babies who are hyper-sensitive to sound, touch, or being over-tired. Studies show that these fussy, more difficult-to-manage babies are a distinct group from “easy” babies, and parenting has little or no impact on the inborn temperament of these babies. Many of those who have criticized me here likely have such “easy” babies. But many of my readers know from experience that the same parenting, and the same parents in fact, have completely different effects on different babies.
And yes, you’re right to point out that there are multiple approaches here — it’s not an “either/or” proposition of CIO or Attachment Parenting. In fact, most of my clients take a “blended” approach that is part CIO, part sitting and being with the baby while they’re fussing, for varying amounts of time — all depending on the baby, her age, the family, and other circumstances.
Natka,
I agree completely that it’s important to discriminate between letting a baby fuss themselves to sleep — and teaching her to express her needs. If you read my work here, you can see that I’m a huge proponent of communicating with your baby from the very start. Babies “soak in” so much more than we realize, and also need to be supported in communicating their needs and preferences. One of the most upsetting things to me is when I hear a parent “shusshing” a baby who is obviously trying to communicate something, or simply play with making sounds.
That said, sometimes babies simply cry. Sometimes it’s meaningful, and sometimes it’s just blowing off steam in the only way they know how, and we need to be tuned in to know the difference. Not always easy! But I feel confident in the “sturdiness” of babies and know that most typically developing babies CAN tolerate some crying without negative long-term effect. But that doesn’t stop us from talking with them, listening, and being great observers the rest of the time.
There have been times that no matter what we do our babies still cry. Even after we covered all of our “bases. At some point they just need their time because they don’t want to sleep and miss out on what will happen if the fall asleep. That being said… with all the fancy methods, PHD’s , studies …. when you start raising your kids sometimes you just have to learn in the process. My apologies for not producing an “intelligent ” answer. Sometimes its nauseating when I see people throw out formulas and expect that to work. We have 3 kids… each one with a specifically different makeup.
Aloha Greg,
Yes, sometimes babies cry. They can’t run, talk, or vent their thoughts and frustrations. Sometimes they need to be held, and sometimes they just need a good cry. I realize that I’m playing with fire by even mentioning this as a possibility because how some obviously misunderstand my intent. But I’ve heard from so many struggling parents that I can’t stay quiet about this issue. You’re right — babies are individuals, and need to be understood as such. No one-size-fits-all answers here
Vilifying those who disagree with you doesn’t prove a point, it makes you seem obstinate. You and I both agree that postpartum depression is serious and, yes, can be dangerous but it is not a condition caused by no crying it out which you seem to be trying to imply or at least use as an excuse when you cannot support yourself.
There is no shortage of support and encouragement for parents to stop letting infants “manipulate us” or “disrupt the family”. The issue lays not in those of us that refuse to follow the norm and let our children scream in the dark, alone and afraid. It lays with websites and others making us think that babies SHOULD sleep through the night at 3 months. It is like a parenting gold star, which is not only unreasonable but utterly ridiculous. There is immense pressure from professionals like yourself that encourage parents to ignore their instincts and supplement with formula, let them cry, get them used to being alone, soothing themselves, not being held, not disrupt the grown ups and become independent at ages still expressed in weeks.
Dr. Heather, your obviously offended by other people’s comments that go against yours. Your ideas on how children should be treated are just as judgmental as everyone else’s. Your not making yourself look like a good doctor by not supporting these people who give evidence that not CIO has worked for them. Show us YOUR SCIENTIFIC research that proves CIO is good for children? Parents who aren’t coping need support, and truly babies aren’t babies for long. Babies know how to sleep, who’s idea is it that they need to be taught? And then forced in to comply with our earthly routine?
Dr. Heather, it seems like you disagree with most of the comments and feel like people are misunderstanding you. Maybe you should rewrite your article so that your true message comes through more clearly. It seems that perhaps you should define CIO as you see it because it seems to be different than most other moms out there. Just a thought!
I agree. I always swore to myself I would never ever let my baby CIO–until I had my little girl. For five months, she would not sleep or nap unless I bounced her. I literally could not put her down, for she would immediately wake up and cry. Try taking a shower, make yourself something to eat, or even just go to the bathroom with a baby on your arms or in the baby carrier for five endless months! She wanted to be held and bounced 24/7. As soon as I sat down, she woke up and cried. After five months, I was a mess. Sleep depraved, exhausted, back and knee pains from rocking her. Other people tried to help, but she would not let them soothe her at all, so it was all on me. It came to a point that I rocked and rocked and rocked her, despite my aching body, I would break down in tears, but I would not stop rocking because I knew if I did, she would wake up (if she fell asleep, however, I might get about 20-30 minutes on the couch if I was lucky). She wasn’t sick, just colicky, other than that there was nothing wrong with her. As she got heavier and heavier and things just didn’t improve, I broke down one night, put her in the crib, closed the door and left. It broke my heart, and she cried for four hours, but once she finally fell asleep, she slept through the night. It was absolutely crazy! I did this for two more nights, and every noght, her crying was less, until she settled into a routine of crying for a half an hour every night, but she always slept the night through. She now is 16 months, and when I put her down, she literally cries for a minute and is done. I hate when people who happen to be blessed with easy sleepers make judgment calls on people who found relief in CIO as the last resort. My baby is fine, and I have never NOT completely loved her to pieces and sacrificed as much or even more than I could bear! I never let her cry for fun, I always try to console her immediately, pick her up, try to distract her from what’s making her cry, and so on. People, I am not a bad mom, and I did not abuse my baby! My daughter and I have been through enough together, I do not need your judgmental attitudes in addition to all the pain I have been though, okay!? The end result is a baby who has such a better quality of life because she isn’t constantly having meltdowns because she is overtired! She now sleeps well (she is now getting the recommended ampunt of sleep) and is able to spend the time she is awake with quality play and fun instead of being miserable and tid all the time! Yes, she still needs absolute quiet and darkness in her room, and she will not sleep anywhere but in her own crib (yes, she will go for 20 hours without sleep if I do not put her in her crib!), which is quite inconvenient because I have to be home by nap time (which means we cannot do lunch or dinner with friends because of this), we can’t travel, and so on, but I do take on these sacrifices because I love her so much. So people with kids who sleep about anywhere and do not rely on a ridgid bedtime routine and timetable, you do not know what you are talking about! Just keep your judgmental opinions to yourself!
B.t.w., I have a bachelor of science in Psyc. First thing you learn in PSYC101 is to STOP READING STUPID POP PSYCHOLOGY like Psychology Today! I just hope for you you never have a difficult baby, because you might have just spoken judgment on yourself! Thanks a lot, Everyone!
I agree with Dr. Heather – individual decisions for each parent-child pair. Natural consequences will out – baby will learn as provided for. It is the way of nature. An all or nothing philosophy is unnatural in my opinion. Media, in promoting any single study is banking on the sales of information that evokes emotion.
I had never seen the acronym CIO before I read these articles, and I am impressed by how much passion the subject seems to induce!
I have no expert (academic) knowledge on the subject, but I believe there is a “golden rule” for taking care of babies, which is: do what is good for the baby, not what is good for you. More often than not a baby needs holding, loving body contact, and “conversation”, but sometimes the baby needs to experience the fact that he or she cannot rule the rest of the world (people and environment) by the throat.
I suppose this means that you should not let a baby “cry it out” because you are angry or fed up with a situation, but you can (and probably should) let the baby cry for a time when you feel the baby needs to begin learning elementary economics and political science. Now even pet animals learn in the home environment, and nobody will convince me that babies are dumber than animals.
It is amazing how someone who calls themselves a doctor can ignore the mountain of current research that shows that CIO leads to a surge in cortisol in an infants brain which can in turn damage and in some cases destroy connections and Pathways in the brain that deal with stress response. I really think you should read why love matters by Sue Gerhardt and take a serious look at the many studies quoted before offering bad advice to desperate parents who are particularly vulnerable due to the issues they may be having.
PS. I also find it funny how you list your credentials but without providing a last name there is no way for us to verify those credentials. It wold take me 5 minutes to start a website and call myself Dr. Ben lol. Hey….at least I can check on Dr. Sears’s credentials. Now I’m not saying that you are not legitimate…..but it would be nice to be able to verify it.
I think the trouble comes when parents misinterpret the different cries. Obviously tiny babies do not need to be left to cry, because their wants and needs are one in the same. As they get older they begin to ask for things that they dont need. For example, my 12 month old requested cake with his usual gleeful “uh uh” accompanied by pointing the other day. I said “No.” He had a meltdown throwing all his food onto the floor of the restaurant. I let him have his fit and then hugged him and said I was sorry he was upset, but he just wasn’t getting cake and I offered him some more healthy choices. I think this kind of crying is normal.
However, CIO, to many parents is the concept of letting your little one cry themselves to sleep and just popping their head in every now and again “yes, mommy is still here ignoring your pain.” This seems illogical to me. Why would anyone think leaving their child to scream (because the child truly think they need something) would be a healthy way of raising a baby? Of course, sometimes I get overwhelmed and I cannot address my sons needs as quickly as I probably should, but self forgiveness is a vital ability for a parent. That is what professionals should be teaching people. Not telling them to just not try to comfort their little ones.
The other night my four year old came into our room at 3am asking to sleep on our floor. My husbands sleepy gut reaction was No, and my daughter began having a meltdown. I woke up and said, “no, no, let her stay. she never asks to sleep in here. something must be upsetting her.” Once she calmed down and laid on her little toddler mattress on the floor, I went to lay with her and asked her what was wrong. “I had a nightmare that grandma lost me. She went across the street without me and left me alone.” Lots of parents I know would have just said “no” and sent them to their room to meltdown. Does that seem like the right thing to do? The next day she happily went back to her room. We have always had an open door policy. If she needs to come into our room to sleep then she can, she never has to feel anxiety about whether or not she will be comforted at night, and I believe it is this that allows our daughter to need us less. She knows we are here for her, so there is no compounding stress of both her nightmare and her fear that we will leave her to be afraid alone. As a result, she is extremely independent.
Added bonus, both my husband and I were up at the same time (which is hard with two kids) and snuck off to the office after the kids fell back asleep for a little “alone time”…
I think that in today’s society we begin to blame children for how overwhelmed we are and try to stifle their natural growth and development to fit into the needs of today’s world. But its a dangerous game to play with the future of humanity. Who would you rather have leading the country? A man whose mother letting him cry himself to sleep or one whose mother was very sensitive and respectful of his needs? People can only do what they are taught? Just because the world has changed and now women do not stay home and take care of their children all day and be available all night, doesn’t mean that children don’t need that. It just means that the parents aren’t doing it.
If we look back to basics, back through history to very early man. Will we see a mother leaving her little one in their own nursery to cry themselves to sleep? I don’t think so. And the human brain hasn’t changed a lot since then. The needs are still the same. No long term research required. This is a common sense issue. Babies cannot care for themselves, they need you, it’s insensitive to ignore their needs. If you would want to be treated like that, then why would you treat someone else like that?
My bad, just found it.
Interesting how many assumptions exist about “CIO”. Many have automatic negative associations along the lines of abandoning a tiny, needy baby in their direst moment of need. But what do we mean by “Crying It Out”, anyway? I never, ever recommend allowing a very young baby (up until at least 5-6 months of age) be purposely left to cry for any amount of time. That said, if for some reason your young baby DOES cry for awhile — for instance, if you’re on the freeway and the baby is in the carseat and you can’t attend to her needs until it’s safe to do so — which, due to traffic or weather may be 30 minutes or even more), the baby will be OK. I would never advise a parent in traffic to panic and worry that they were causing brain damage until they could get off the freeway. Safety needs to be first and babies are resilient. Still: my understanding of infant development research leads me to advise NOT attempting CIO at such a young age.
But older babies CAN better tolerate some crying. Their memory is improved at 8 months or so, and they can therefore remember you’re there even if you’re not in the room with them every second. Their regulation systems are better developed and so crying is less disturbing on a physical level. And they are better able to understand when you say, “It’s time to sleep, honey. Mama will come in and check in a few minutes. But we all need to sleep now.”
As I have stated — age, temperament, and family needs all need to come into play here. Some babies truly need to be held more than others. Some babies can tolerate crying better than others. Some babies will not sleep — no matter how much holding, nursing, or rocking you provide — they simply cannot tolerate the stimulation of extra holding. Every baby is different, and as the BEST expert on YOUR child, you as parent — and no expert, including me, can tell you for certain what is best, given these variables.
Although I have to say your stance on home birth is patently ridiculous.
@Rebecca Rosenberg: Dr. Sears bases his research on parental instinct. Reading and quoting Dr. Sears is like quoting what your body is already telling you.
@Dr. Heather: I read any sanctimony in my response. I didn’t say it works for everyone and that everyone should do it this way. As a matter of fact, when my first was born I listened to what others told me. They all told me she “needed” to cry sometimes, it was “good” for her. I relented and, because of that incessant pacing you mention, I decided what I felt was more important. You say that sometimes a baby wants to be held and sometimes they just need to cry. I agree with this but how do you know which it is? Also, as a society we really need to get away from this idea that when a baby cries it means we need to keep it quiet or stick it in another room. Why can’t you hold your crying baby, even if they are crying just to cry? Wouldn’t that essentially show them that it is okay to be emotional with you? I do not presume to know what goes on in each household or what will work best for each family. I do know that CIO should NEVER be used, especially when EVERYONE’S motherly instinct tells them otherwise.
I didn’t say anything about toddlers or when a parent is on the brink of hurting their child if they don’t put them down and walk away. You need to realize that the term CIO has A LOT of negativity behind it. CIO is generally referred to when you let your infant cry until they fall asleep. That is the terminology behind it so you should expect many people to react very strongly to an article professing that CIO may be beneficial for a baby.
I did have “easy” babies, if you want to look at it that way. My children both woke in the night. My daughter used to have terrible crying fits at 1, 2, 3 in the morning and take hours to go back to sleep. No, it wasn’t easy. Yes, I did get frustrated. My son rarely wakes and yet I would classify them both as “easy”. Babies are just babies and I expected that they would need me to help them. It’s when people say nothing is going to change that they have problems.
I just read the two pro-CIO comments and I wanted to respond.
My son was the most difficult baby I have ever heard of, second only to my little brother. My little brother could NOT be laid down. Not even to change his diaper. My parents were miserable and exhausted with him. He would scream bloody murder every time he was set down. At 9 months he was diagnosed with cranialsynostosis, the premature fusing of the plates in the skull and underwent neurosurgery to correct it. They found he had almost no cerebral fluid cushioning his brain and was in extreme pain when he was being laid on his back (the AAP recommended way). My parents tried CIO finally and he did fall asleep… but they later learned he didn’t “need” to cry, he was just in excruciating pain and finally passed out.
Of course, cranialsynostosis is an usual diagnosis. Not common. But my point is that if your baby is crying non-stop something is not right. “Colicky” is a diagnosis of exclusion. It is not a real medical condition, its what they label a baby who cries a lot when they have no medical explanation. That does not however mean that there isn’t one. We just don’t know what it is. I have family in foreign countries who balk at the idea of “colicky” no babies “just cry” like that according to them.
After my son was born he could NOT be put down. I had to sleep holding him for the first three months or risk waking him and not sleeping. We practiced “kangaroo care.” Where he laid on my chest and was tucked in under his arms and mine with a sheet. It was the only way to get him to sleep. If parents think that sleeping with their newborn is bad and dangerous, then people who have an extremely difficult baby will definitely be sleep deprived. But if we stop trying to force all mothers into fear over the most natural inclination imaginable, sleeping with ones infant, then those same mothers can enjoy 12 hours of sleep as I did. My son would wake every hour, “nurse” for 45 minutes, sleep for 15, wake, nurse for 45, sleep for 15. I was “asleep” the entire time.
I agree that sleep deprivation is not healthy and should be avoided at all costs, save for letting a baby cry themselves to sleep. The healthiest most natural answer is not teaching baby “abandon hope, mommy is not coming,” instead “it’s okay baby, i am here with you, im sorry you are hurting.” I am not a saint. Crying drives me absolutely nuts. I cannot stand it. Nail on a chalk board. But being a parent is hard, it’s easier if you give yourself to it completely and just ride the waves, instead of fighting the tide constantly.
I should add, I finally went way out on a limb and took my son to this Naturopathic Doctor that my GP recommended, and he did something called cranial sacral treatments to my son (I called it casting spells, because if you see this “treatment” anyone would laugh, I mean, the guy barely touched my son, it looked like he was doing magic). But it worked. My son stopped his constant crying and back arching mid-treatment and was able to sleep for 2-3 hours at a time without me holding him after maybe 3 visits. I was shocked and relieved after months of the non-stop crying. This doctor said he thought that the very strong antibiotics given to my son right after he was born (due to a suspicious neonatal fever) may have caused his gut flora to not grow properly and his stomach was causing him extreme discomfort.
I guess what I am saying is, you don’t have to just give up and let them cry (not permanently), but I understand feeling totally overwhelmed and needing just 5 freaking minutes without listening to it. I totally get that. I’ve been there. Still am sometimes. There are more options than just the ones most doctors are offering… switch them to formula, try CIO. Just because our mainstream medicine doesn’t know about them yet, doesn’t mean there aren’t answers out there. Keep searching!
And if you did CIO already, forgive yourself. There are so many mistakes I made with my kids that I regret, but I did the best I could with the knowledge available to me at the time. And beating myself up about my mistakes hurts my kids more. But trying to pretend they weren’t mistakes and telling other people its okay to make them too isn’t going make my mistake smaller… but it will cause a lot more suffering. Admitting we are wrong is the only way to advance society! It takes a lot of mistakes to find the right answers!! Dont be ashamed of helping in the process!!
We used the Ferber method when our daughter was about 8 months old and we could sense that she was old enough to start falling asleep on her own. It took about three days, and the longest she ever cried was about half an hour. I am happy to report that SHE SURVIVED. When everyone started getting more sleep, we all started enjoying our days with each other more. I can’t tell you how much it eased my own stress and anxiety overbedtime. It literally transformed our entire family.
Millions of families for generations have used some degree of CIO to help their children learn the skills to be more independent. What a slap in the face that the “evidence” used to tell loving, attentive parents that they are damaging their babies by letting them cry for even short periods were based on studies of mothers who neglected and abused their children 24 hours a day.
I see now why people are so afraid to discuss this topic, when so many people think that the appropriate way to come to the argument is by shouting down anyone who contradicts their world view. It remains a fact that there is just no scientific evidence that shows limited amounts of crying damages children, and much historical evidence to the contrary. If you prefer not to let your child cry EVER, well, more power to you. You’re not abusing your child, so I’m not going to intervene. Please show me — and Dr. Heather — the same respect.
Wow, I’m really surprised at how angry people seem about defending their own parenting styles and judging others’ parenting styles. The one thing I’ve learned since becoming a parent is that every baby is different, every family is different, and different people have raised their kids in many different ways around the world and throughout human history. The vast majority of kids turn out just fine. Parents sometimes make good decisions and sometimes make mistakes, that’s just life. You just have to do what works for you and your family.
One of my FB friends told me that she Ferberized her baby at 9 mos because she (the mom) was a B*tch on wheels when she was sleep deprived. They only had to do it twice and everyone slept through the night after that. She didn’t see any long lasting trauma and said that it was much more traumatizing when her 11 year old was made fun of at school one time for not wearing “cool” jeans.
I have a really good sleeper who bed shares with me. She is highly sensitive and is not the right temperament for CIO – not even a gentle version of it. She will and has cried so hard she throws up and that is not only traumatizing for her, it’s too hard on me. In fact, the other day she cried so hard she threw up when I came at her with the nose hose. Seriously. So, you are right in saying that not all children are the right temperament for CIO of any nature.
If I had a baby who woke up every 2 hours, I might consider it as a method (only a gentle version). CIO does seem to be a general term and to me one of the most important things with babies/children is to support them when they are crying in a way that is appropriate for them. Sometimes babies cry when they are overstimulated and I’ve put my baby down next to me and let her have space. I’ve also held on tight when that seems appropriate. There is no doubt in my mind that crying is a good release — but for kids it sure is great to support them during these times in ways that work for them whether it’s giving space, patting, rubbing, holding, etc.
Your clarifications have been great to your initial post. I’m sad that you slammed Dr. Sears though.
I love him and have found his writings, especially on the “high need baby,” to be especially helpful. And his writings on compatibility issues between the parents and the baby have been helpful too. Not sure why you are taking so much exception to him. His big book on babies has been so helpful to me and carrying the baby was not in my family culture and I’m so glad that I found him for guidance. Carrying my high need baby (in lots of contraptions) has made life peaceful at our house, in addition to bed sharing, feeding on demand, etc.
I would also like to add that my baby had some sensory issues very early on and AP was the answer for us. I can’t imagine having a sensory baby CIO — or any version of CIO. Like you said, it’s definitely not appropriate for all children.
thanks for clarifying your initial post. Much appreciated!
When exactly was it that we started placing subjective data from scientist ahead of intuition and plain common sense?
Thank you for the sane and intelligent comment.
Danielle: I should explain about the good Drs. Sears. There is much I do appreciate about them and their family. I guess what I DON’T appreciate is other parents using Dr. Sears as a weapon of criticism. Dr. Sears has much to offer — but honestly, he doesn’t touch on the issue of whether ANY crying at all causes brain damage. But many of his supporters purport that his statements “prove” that crying simply equals damaging abuse.
And about the very interesting facet of sensory issues in babies: SOME babies, like yours (and one of mine), want to be carried all the time. Others have the opposite sensory tendency and can get OVERstimulated from too much contact. I can just hear others ready to pile on, so let me explain — I’m not advocating you don’t hold your child. I’m saying that SOME babies prefer more direct contact, and some prefer less. Sometimes, a fussy baby is happier when put down for a bit. Only the parent can discern what kind of baby they have. I have 4, and they vary a lot in this regard.
You don’t have to re-post this if there are too many responses. Thanks for your response to me. I did a lot of late night reading when my baby was really young and the sensory issues were at their most intense and you are so RIGHT about some wanting to be held and some wanting to be put down. I have witnessed this in my own sensory baby. Sometimes putting her down was what she needed. But 99% of the time she needs high touch (which is less now that she is 1.5 yrs old). When I would stop working each day and take over from the Nanny I used to put her in the Baby Bjorn and clean the house. She was as happy as a clam in there for hours! And my house was so clean! I miss those days now that she wants more independence. haha.
Thanks for the thoughtful posts and conversations today!
And PS – always good to chat with someone who understands “sensory” issues. So many of my friends thought I was nuts talking about that…