Archive for the ‘Annoying Toddler Behaviors’ Category:
“Perfectionism” in A 2-Year Old?
Longtime reader Katie has asked me about her baby before. But now that her daughter is an honest-to-goodness toddler, there are new questions about perfectionism. Babies don’t care about “the rules” — toddlers do. And so a new struggle with “doing it right — by myself” begins:
Dear Dr. Heather,
For the past few nights my daughter has insisted on putting her pajamas on herself. This would be great, except she can’t quite get it by herself and ends up getting really frustrated. However, she gets even more angry and upset when I try to help her. I end up being torn between my desire to let her learn to do it herself and my desire to get her to bed at a decent hour. Usually she genuinely needs a few small helps to get the pajamas on, but I try to let her do as much as possible by herself.
This also is a symptom of a larger problem – what I perceive to be a growing perfectionism on her part. For example, if one cheerio from her bowl falls on the floor she will not eat another one until it is picked up. She also is very definite about using the right words for things – she just corrected me that the noise we heard was an “airplane” not a “plane.” Having struggled with perfectionism myself, I worry a lot that I might pass it on to my daughter, or that she might spontaneously develop it on her own since she seems to have that kind of personality. Do you have any advice that might help?
Katie
Hi Katie,
Your daughter is just now learning that things can be done “just so”. She didn’t care before, and she’s experimenting with it now. It’s totally common and normal. It’s also part of the control trip that goes along with toddlerhood. Just how far can she take this control thing? She’s exploring those boundaries. It’s also part of her growing sense of independence — wanting to do it herself. A good thing, yes?
But it’s not always possible for her do it herself. So, the advice is — allow her to do it her way, WHEN IT IS REASONABLE. Give her options and choices ahead of time to try to limit the struggles that may come up. You are totally allowed to step in and be the boss when you need to — don’t feel bad about it, just matter-of-fact. But allow her the independence when you can. For rituals that take forever and get in the way of other activities: plan in advance — give her a lot of extra time in the evening for putting on jammies, and give her a lot of praise for getting steps right herself. Try to leave her to her own devices to explore her skills. Tell her to ask you for help when she gets frustrated, but don’t go overboard and do the whole thing for her. She may end up frustrated anyway, but that’s OK. Rescue her when she’s at her limit.
I think you might also be nervous about some kind of impending red flag for perfectionism, because of your own history and tendencies. Rest assured that it’s normal at this age. You have the opportunity to help her live with imperfection, as well as to explore her new skills. If she is suffering from it when she is starting school, then you can start to wonder if she might need some intervention. But for now — it sounds fine.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
When Baby Prefers One Parent: What To Do?
Dear Dr. Heather,
I’m writing to inquire about our 25-month-old grand-daughter and the attachment that she has to her mother.
Don't Take It Personally, Dad.
Her parents have been very responsive to her since her birth. Our toddler is easy with other people including her regular caregiver, grand-parents, other extended family and just about everyone else. The problem is that when her mother is around she has a strong preference for her, to the exclusion of most others. This happens about 60% of the time.
Her mother and father are gentle and kind and fun-loving. They respond to her emotions and explain the world to her. They are consistent with their house “rules” and explain the world to her so that things make as much sense as possible. She is a bright, articulate, inquisitive, active little girl and appears to be developing normally. Again, the problem is just that she clings to tenaciously to her mom. This is trying on her dad and also tiring for mom.
Any tips on how to reduce the clinging and increase her involvement with others when her mother is present?
Thanks very much.
Grandma
~~~~~~
Dear “Grandma”,
What you’re describing is the sign of a healthy attachment to her mother. Babies at this age have a hard time being in intense relationships with more than one person at a time. Strong parental preferences are COMMON. Unpleasant at times, inconvenient often, but COMMON and NORMAL, at this age. The first step is understanding it, the next step is rewarding her when she works well with her father, you, or other adults. She should be gently encouraged and praised for steps in the right direction, but never scolded if she prefers mom, since this will only work against you.
Your granddaughter is at a stage of venturing out into the world, and then coming back to her “base of comfort” as needed to “refuel”, emotionally. As she gains confidence this will naturally abate. Also, as she grows closer to age 3, she will be more curious about the different activities her father and you can share with her, and this will help too.
I can certainly relate, as I am currently on both ends of the preference spectrum with various of my own children. I’m top of the list with my 9-month-old and 4-year-old, and bottom of the totem pole with my 7 and 9-year-olds — Daddy is their current favorite. All of us need to be understanding about the temporary preferences that our children express — please don’t take it personally, nor should her father. Your time (and his) will come…I promise!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Dr. Heather in Parents Magazine, August Issue
Thanks to Parents Magazine and Sharlene Johnson for giving me the opportunity to be the “Q and A” expert on a topic we’re all familiar with…The Dawdling Toddler. Pick up a copy anywhere magazines are sold, and let us know YOUR suggestions for getting your toddler out the door in the morning.
See me on page 191
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
