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BabyShrink readers Angie, Sharon and Stacy have emailed me over the past few weeks with the same horrified question: Why is my toddler suddenly smearing poop everywhere, and HOW CAN I GET THAT DISGUSTING BEHAVIOR TO STOP?! Although I tried to offer some suggestions, I had never experienced the same thing with my kids, so I really didn’t have much “oomph” behind my answers.

And then the Great Karmic Finger pointed at my household. And that finger had poop smeared on it.

Our TT is now 2 1/2. He’s kinda-sorta potty trained. He’s healthy (minus one hernia, which I will update everyone on later in the week), developmentally on-track, and he’s got the “easiest” temperament of all our three kids. But over the past few weeks, it’s happened three times; he’s pooped in his diaper, then reached in to decorate his crib with it. And it’s the grossest clean-up job I’ve ever had to do.

Your story is similar. Your toddler is somewhat engaged in potty training. They’re at the age when they can understand most of what we’re telling them…and certainly understand that poop is yucky. Then all of a sudden, you discover your little darling has smeared poop all over the place. Reader Sharon tells her stinky story this way, “She’s in her crib about to nap, and I hear the usual noises of her just talking to herself. Then I hear this: “Mommy, yucky.” So I go in there and see the worse scene of my life!!!! She apparently had a poopy diaper, took it off, and proceeded to smear the walls, her crib and everything in the vicinity with poop. I was mortified! I quickly yanked her up, stripped her down and got in her the bath as fast as possible. I had to call my husband and tell him to come home so I could sanitize her room. Ugh, it was awful!”

Is This Normal?
Yes dear reader, it is. Not necessarily common, but normal. A 2-year-old is struggling with attempting to master his own body, to control it’s functions, and is quite curious about his productions. (They don’t call it the Anal Stage for nothin’!) Preschool teachers will tell you it’s common to see children this age quite interested in messes, too. They can alternate between being quite the obsessive neat-freak, OR the poop-smearing opposite — as they struggle to master this stage. I would say, however, that poop-smearing past the age of 3 1/2 — 4 would concern me. An evaluation, starting with your pediatrician, should occur in that case.

How Do I Get It To Stop?!
First, know that, for an otherwise typically developing toddler, this should be a time-limited, passing phase. Nobody likes the smell of poop. It’s an experiment that is naturally self-limiting!

The most important thing is to control your own reaction. Don’t overreact; you risk reinforcing the behavior. If Junior knows that Mom will FREAK every time this happens, he’s got a potent weapon to use, when necessary! Instead, calmly say “Yucky. Poop is dirty. It belongs in your diaper or the potty. No more touching poop.” As grossed out as you may be, take a deep breath (outside of the room!), clean up the offensive little beast first, and close up the room until you have backup. You’ll need time, and someone to watch Mr. Stinky, while you break out the Clorox.

Next, it’s time to get practical and LIMIT ACCESS TO THE DIAPER. Go out and find some toddler sized “onesies”, or other one-piece clothing. Some creative parents have even put one-piece PJs on backwards to further limit access to the diaper area. Keep them clothed this way as needed, until the phase has passed.

Also, take it as a sign of interest in potty-training. Use it as an opportunity to review the proper use of the potty, and validate their interest in poop. “Here, make your poop in your potty. Then when you’re done, you can look at it. We don’t touch it, but you can look at it if you want to see what it looks like.”

Finally, create opportunities for your creative genius to make acceptable messes. One of the hallmarks of this phase is the desire to make — and clean up — messes. It’s how we eventually learn to keep things clean and organized, and how to handle all the messes in life. So it’s a vitally important lesson to learn. Offer messy finger painting, kitchen mixing and squashing, and outdoor mud play, liberally. Talk about it, as you do. “I know you want to make messes. THIS is a good place to make a mess. I will help you clean it up later. Here, let’s make a mess together!”

Hope that helps, Gang. Happy Cleaning!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

When your baby becomes a toddler, it’s very exciting. But with all his new skills comes the need to set firm and consistent limits; both for his safety, and for your sanity! Lots of you wonder how, and when, to give a Time Out to a toddler. And is it OK to do it, even if he doesn’t “understand” the concept? Reader Kelly has this dilemma:

Dr. Heather,

My 14-month-old son has developed a scratching habit. It started with him scratching me for a reaction. I would firmly say, “NO, scratching hurts mommy.” This led to more scratching. He does it if he’s angry, or just because. I tried Time-Out, but I’m not sure he’s understanding the concept. We’re trying Dr. Harvey Karp’s “toddlerese” which doesn’t seem to work with the scratching, because most of the time he seems to do it out of the blue, and I don’t know what he’s feeling in order to show I understand his needs. Any ideas on ways to prevent this?

Kelly From Maryland

Dear Kelly,

A 14-month-old is just starting to get the idea that using his new-found skills in controlling his body can lead to some interesting results. Your baby was used to being the passive recipient of action all day; people picking him up, putting him down, giving (or taking away) food, toys, or arms of comfort.

Now that he can walk and better control his body, it’s a whole new ballgame. HE gets to be in control! HE gets to experiment with ways of getting (and keeping) your attention. He’s also not quite sure how to modulate the force of his touch, either. He’s experimenting with what’s OK; how hard (or soft) to touch others. So, your approach should be to model nice, gentle touching, and to provide consistent, firm limits when he’s aggressive.

Focus on how to touch others nicely. Point out how well he touches others, when he’s in the act. “I see you petting the kitty so gently. What a nice job!” Demonstrate with his peers. “Can you show your cousin how you touch nicely? I like how you patted her back so softly.” Do lots of positive reinforcement of the behavior you want him to repeat.

Other times, he will need limits. When you say you’re not sure he understands the concept of Time Out; I’m sure you’re right. A 14-month-old certainly won’t “understand” it, at least until he’s experienced it many, many times, consistently, for the same offenses. But Time Outs have a cumulative effect, and soon, he’ll get the message.

Try this three-part approach:

1. Immediately (and briefly) explain the infraction, and the consequence. “No scratching. Time Out.” Use a firm, but low voice; you want to get his attention, but not let him think he’s got you really upset. (You don’t want to reward him if he’s just doing it to get your attention.)
2. Find a convenient corner or other area that’s removed from the usual action. Sit with him, and have him face the corner. At 14 months, you’ll probably have to gently hold him there for the duration of the time out. At this age, I would suggest 30-60 seconds, depending on your child’s temperament. (Some get the message more quickly than others!) When he protests, simply repeat, in the same, low voice, “No scratching. Time Out.” Don’t get into explaining or yelling. He won’t understand it anyway. You just want him to realize that scratching immediately results in Time Out.
3. And when Time Out is over; it’s OVER. Say, “Time Out’s all done.” And then move on; don’t lecture or rehash the event, or ask him to apologize. At this age, all you can hope for is that he’ll internalize some control over his aggression.

It’s also a good age to start showing him there’s a time and place for everything. Make sure he has ample opportunity to get physical; throwing, kicking, climbing, and yelling during playtime, every day. Toddlers need a solid, physical playtime of at least 45 minutes each day, as long as there are no health issues. Let him know that he is allowed to express his aggressive feelings, at the appropriate time and place. A toddler who is run into the ground at the park is far less likely to scratch, bite and yell at home! WEAR HIM OUT. Play chase, jump up and down, yell and holler, climb and roll. Then give him the opportunity to destroy things, when allowed; tearing paper, dumping items out of bins, and making (allowed) messes like finger painting are all good ways to positively channel a toddler’s aggression and energy. Then when he’s with you, he’s more likely to be calm and gentle.

As your little guy develops, soon he’ll learn that he can avoid Time-Outs by paying attention to the behaviors you’re reinforcing. “Catch” him behaving nicely, and give him a lot of praise when he does. That way, you’ll be able to use Time Outs infrequently.

Hope that helps. And check out more on my strategies with other Annoying Toddler Behaviors!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

Hi Dr. Heather,

My 19-month-old screams at the top of his lungs, “MYYYYYYY” for everything! Yes, we know it comes from not getting his way - most of the time. Quite often, though, we can be happily watching The Backyardigans and he starts screeching out of control for no reason. We’ve tried ignoring, we’ve tried yelling, we’ve even tried bottom-swatting. Help, please!

Landlocked in Louisville,

Amy

Hi Amy,

Little kids need to be able to make noise, and we need to be able to hear ourselves think (once in awhile). With these conflicting needs in mind, you can let them make noise, but only within certain parameters. At 19 months, he is loving the fact that he can consciously control his body and his actions, to a greater degree now. So you have to respect that, and give him an appropriate outlet for for his gleeful screaming. You don’t want to use punishment for something like this; you’ll just risk an escalation of the behavior as part of his naturally being oppositional at this age.

In our house, the kids are allowed to make as much noise as they can possibly create, but only in their bedrooms, the playroom, or outside. The living room and other common areas require “inside voices”.

Explain the new rules to him, once all the adults are on the same page. You want everyone to be consistent if you want the new rules to stick. At 19 months, your little guy will require reminding, but you can make it a game. “You feel like screaming? Let’s go to the screaming room!” and then start screaming your head off, once you’re there. Have him try to scream louder than you. THEN, make a big deal out of using “inside voices” in other rooms. Tiptoe around, talk quietly, have him follow suit; but make it fun. Soon he’ll get the picture!

And check out my Toddlers section for more tips.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink