Mahalo to Jill and the gang at KITV!

Despite awakening at 4 am with bloodshot eyes from an allergy attack (perfect for HDTV, right?) — I was psyched to head down to KITV yesterday morning to talk story with the gang about parenting. So mahalo to Jill Kuramoto for inviting me, and a big aloha to Mahealani Richardson, Moanike’ala Nabarro, and Yasmin Dar for making me feel so at home in the studio. Looking forward to seeing you all again next month!

Here’s the link: Dr. Heather on KITV — January 17, 2012

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

A Classic Must-Read

I’m reading every parenting book ever written on an obsessive quest to find helpful nuggets and insights to include in my first BabyShrink book. Those of you who know me know that I think much of what’s available these days is garbage. Junk. Not practical. Not worth the money.

But once in awhile, I find a gem. Most of these gems are “oldies but goodies” — dated, in some ways, but true and superb in the way that classics always are.

Louise Bates Ames, PhD, wrote a whole series of parenting books over 30 years ago, with a new book for each year of life. I’ve read most of them, but so far, this is my favorite. It might have to do with the fact that I have a particularly spicy 1-year-old in the house (thankfully NAPPING, at the moment — something I don’t take for granted with her).

Ames doesn’t take 12-24 months for granted, like so many other parenting writers. Ames contends that, in fact, this is one of the trickiest ages to parent – and I fully agree. In this book, she explains why — and gives the simplest, sweetest, most effective suggestions I’ve ever read on how to contend with your newbie toddler.

Enjoy.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

I’m blogging for mental health today — but not in way you might expect. Mental health isn’t just some esoteric list of psychiatric diagnoses. It starts with simple — but critically important — things. These include the support of loved ones, meaningful work and relationships, and enough resources to have a little fun. On the top of that list, though, is getting adequate SLEEP. Having young children is the quickest way to ruin in the sleep department (and I speak from vast experience). Here’s a quick tip on tackling the sleep issue for toddlers (and by extension, YOU):

Dear Dr. Heather,

My 2 year old started climbing out of the crib a few weeks ago. We transitioned her to a toddler bed and she continues to wake up around 2 am to play! And doesn’t go back to bed until after 4 am. I’ve tried cutting her nap, which resulted in a miserable little girl in the afternoon and still waking in the middle night. I know allow her to nap for an hour and she’s still up and playing at 2 am. Her bed time is around 8:30pm every night. Help!

Holly

Make sure to check me out all month on ParentsConnect.com, the Nick Jr parenting blog. You know, “We’re not perfect, we’re parents.” We had an awesome connection over my “Good Enough” parenting posts, and it’s exciting to interact with so many of their families. It was all made possible by the fab folks at Learning Care Group — you probably know them by their 1,000+ schools in the US, including ChildTime, Tutor Time, La Petite Academy, Montessori Unlimited, and The Children’s Courtyard. I’ve been blogging for them on the LCG Blog Learning Together too. They have exciting plans for showing off their expertise with kids — and they want my help. I’m honored and thrilled — and I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

I recently spent a bunch of time with the LCG folks on the mainland, creating a series of parenting videos. I’ll post them here soon, and they’ll also be on the LCG website. It was a wild ride, creating top-notch, scientifically-based, but accessible info for parents in the most professional, high-quality, high-tech media environment.

In the meantime, I’m expanding my Parent Coaching practice, and juggling not one, not two, but THREE kids’ basketball team schedules. What the heck — it’s all good experience for my LCG writing — they want to focus on work/life balance in the future, and my house is the perfect crucible to test out some new approaches.

Thanks for your continued support, and I hope you’ll stick around to check out some of my parenting tips!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Not The Dreaded Bath!

Let me tell you about a cool conversation I had the other day with my Infant Research/Rock Star Guru, Professor Joseph Campos (at UC Berkeley).  He helped me understand more about a funky phenomenon I’ve written about here before: The Weird, Wacky, Sudden Fears of the 12 — 15-month old. You know: Crazy fears of the bath, bizarre fears of mustached men, and other kooky things like Fear of Flowers (I kid you not — I’ve heard ‘em all — many from my own kids). As I’ve said before, these sudden fears are NORMAL — but now I understand a little more about WHY.

It’s a combination of what I’ve already written about here — adjusting to the exciting (and scary) new world of mobility, as well as an inborn fear of sudden, unexpected unfamiliarity. Babies this age tend to freak when they see something that looks out of place – a man with facial hair (if they’re used to clean-shaven guys), dogs that suddenly bark loudly, or things that move in unexpected, uncontrollable directions (like flowers in the breeze). Turns out that adult chimpanzees also have similar fears. Interestingly, our toddlers grow out of these fears — chimps do not. Rapidly developing baby brains are starting to compare “familiar” to “unfamiliar”. It’s likely protective — which is especially needed now that the baby is toddling around, away from parents.

Sudden baby fears are also related to a similar parent frustration at this age: Resistance to car seats, strollers, changing tables, high chairs, or any similar baby-jail. Why? Because they remove the element of control from your little one — and CONTROL is what helps to decrease baby’s fears.

So here’s how to cope with those intense and sometimes inexplicable fears in your young toddler: Give her as much control as possible (given safety factors, and of course your need to do other stuff, too.) Fear of the unknown and unexpected is always best soothed with CONTROL. Let baby approach (or avoid) fascinating/scary things (or people) at her own pace. Explain to her when it’s time to get into the car seat — and let her try to negotiate herself into it, if possible. (She just might do it, if you give her a minute to think it through.) Take the pressure off if she’s feeling shy or fearful. And most of all: DON’T WORRY. Weird toddler fears mean nothing about future psychological adjustment (and the more YOU freak out about her fears, the more SHE’LL freak out about them.)

But on the flip side: If baby needs to get into the car seat NOW, or if she MUST have a bath tonight — that’s OK, too. Explain it to her. “I know you don’t want a bath, but you have enchiladas in your hair, honey. I promise to make this as fast as possible, then we’ll be all done.” Be supportive and understanding — but shampoo away. You won’t do any psychological harm. The trick is to give her the general message that, WHEN POSSIBLE, you’ll give her as much control as you can. But sometimes the grown-ups have to be in charge (and that’s a good lesson, too).

The good news is this: These fears almost always dissipate by 18 months of age. (Then you’ll be on to bigger and better things — like Full On Temper Tantrums.) Whee!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Sounds much worse than it is.

Another good question from the Parent Coaching files: Toddlers who grind their teeth. Why do they do it, and are we — as parents — doing anything to cause it? And more importantly, how can we get it to STOP?!

For some, this is a nighttime tendency that seems to be hereditary. For others, it’s a passing phase — and more likely to be heard in the daytime.

Teeth-grinding is usually just a really annoying — but common and normal — thing for toddlers. Aside from any medical causes you must rule out first — dehydration, nutritional deficiencies and pinwoms (yech, I know) being among the rare but true culprits — it’s probably not a reason to worry.  It’s likely related to all those new choppers growing in — she’s getting used to them. Grinding is a way to feel where they are, make weird new sounds with them, and “sand down” the sharp points that often accompany new teeth. It may also alleviate the pain of teething. PLUS, it’s a way to irritate you, if you show it gets under your skin! So watch your reaction — getting upset about it might be just the fuel she needs to start doing it all the time.

The majority of these cases aren’t caused by — or reflective of — any parenting flaw. You can  think of other ways to occupy her energy, time, and mouth — like singing, word games, and crunchy snacks. But don’t pay too much attention to the grinding itself. My strong recommendation is to IGNORE IT. I know it can be like nails on a chalkboard, but really — there is no other way. The more you point it out, the more likely she is to increase the grinding. If your toddler still does it frequently after a few weeks, then it’s time to have it checked by a good pediatric dentist. But I bet you’ll be on to the next parenting dilemma by then.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Just One Molecule!

Direct from the Parent Coaching files, an issue that plagues many of us: The Preschooler Who Won’t Eat Healthy Foods. Common variants of this plague include The Preschooler Who Only Eats White Foods, The Preschooler Who Only Eats Starches, The Preschooler Who Only Eats Chicken Nuggets, and my niece’s current version: The Preschooler Who Only Eats Raisin Toast. (What can I say? Our family always has to be a little different.)

Seeing as though we can’t force our children to Eat, Sleep, or Poop, we must BACK OFF. Yet, how to encourage healthy eating habits? And how to cope with the obvious complications of No Healthy Food — constipation, and it’s negative impact on potty training?

I wish it was as simple as many of our pediatricians say: “Encourage fruits, vegetables, and whole fibers. Have them drink a lot of water.” OK — but HOW?! Most preschoolers will turn up their cute little noses at a plate of healthy food — or even something that looks just a little DIFFERENT than what they’re used to eating.

My take on it: This is an opportunity to walk the precariously thin line between ENCOURAGEMENT and PRESSURE. Do we give up trying? No. Do we get frustrated and beg, plead, cajole, or bribe them? Nope. But we DO encourage — with a parenting trick up our sleeves.

So, try this, a daily tactic in our house: It’s the One Molecule Rule. We serve meals in courses: Healthy foods first. Each kid gets a serving of either a fruit or vegetable — kid-friendly — think carrot strips and ranch dressing, banana “coins”, or apples with peanut butter. Each kid’s serving must be finished before the rest of the meal becomes available to them. And by “serving size”, we start with One Molecule of something different. The other day, we tried pomegranates. One kid LOVES them, but one kid freaked out when he saw them. For him, the rule was One Seed. He had to eat ONE pomegranate seed before “unlocking” his turkey sandwich. And next time, his serving might be TWO seeds. Whatever it is, be reasonably sure that it’s a serving size he can handle — and maybe even feel proud of finishing. SMALLER IS BETTER, until they graduate up to the next level. Praise and reinforce even the most incremental progress. And of course — model the behavior you want them to emulate. OOH and AAH over your artichokes, brussels sprouts, and avocados. But let them go when they’ve had their molecule.

Because:  Little kids are biologically programmed to avoid weird, unusual foods. It’s a survival thing from back in the day when weird foods could (and often did) kill them. So don’t blame your kids, work with them.

And the good news is this: With lots of encouragement over time, this too shall improve. To wit: My 9-year-old daughter, previously a card-carrying member of the “I Only Drink Juice And Eat Goldfish Crackers” club, asked for a CHICKEN CAESAR SALAD last night. And she LOVED it.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

I love this age!

I’m really enjoying our 4-year-old. He’s sort of an “Entry-Level Kid” — no longer a squirelly toddler, he can join in the group for some fun, manage his feelings pretty well, and tells silly stories that have us rolling.

Common parenting wisdom has remedies for the “Terrible Twos.” But they leave out the “Terrible THREES,” which can be mighty tough.

Three-year-olds are really just glorified toddlers who still need a lot of special attention, and are prone to frequent meltdowns, tantrums, and making wacky demands.  But the difference between three and four is huge — and hugely fun.

Here are some of the major emotional developments that come along with being four. Your 4-year-old can:

But it’s not always rosy. Some 4-year-old challenges include:

No matter the challenges, it’s a special time — and I’m making the most out of it. Soon, he’ll be starting school, and sometime in 1st grade his focus will shift away from family — and towards school and peers. It’s really our last chance to enjoy the special, intense, close parent-child bond before he starts launching into the wider world. (Sniff! I’m going off to have a little cry now — for my awesome boy who won’t be little forever.)

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

You KNOW she's tired.

It was 2 pm, and my toddler STILL hadn’t gone down for her nap. Routines were followed, milk was drunk, and the house was quiet (no small feat around here, I assure you). She was rubbing her eyes, complaining — but plowing ahead. Throwing her little arms in the air, she was chanting, “Up! Up!”

Some of you are pretty mellow about your toddler’s nap schedule. But I’m the type who has to have “mellow” beaten into me with the stick of experience. “Toddlers are supposed to nap. Go to sleep, toddler of mine.”

Not always that easy, is it? Turns out, none of my 4 babies ever read the Weissbluth or Ferber books, and they totally failed the “How Many Hours Per Day Babies Need To Sleep” test. They didn’t follow those rules, and I was left fretting that something was wrong (and trying to soothe an overtired baby).

But guess what? I’m up at 3 am writing this post. Why? I can’t sleep. I did my nighty-night routine, but my BabyShrink work beckoned me from bed. Your baby has important work to do, too. Sometimes, it’s more important than sleep.

But what does a poor parent do with an obviously sleepy (but not napping) toddler?

Here on my 4th baby, I’ve discovered some important truths about nap schedules:

* The best-followed routine doesn’t always work. Sometimes a nap simply isn’t in the cards.

* Yes, an over-tired toddler sometimes means a cranky and difficult afternoon. But often, your toddler can rally and make the most out of the day.

* Toddlers are notoriously wacky about following nap schedules — some more than others. Focus on nighttime sleep, and an earlier bedtime when there’s no nap.

* Some parents attempt to hang on to that second nap for too long. If she used to be a good napper and now isn’t, experiment with dropping the nap.

* Yes, I know: Sleep is important to a baby’s brain. But as with food, parents need to focus on the overall amount, over time. A bad day ( or week) of sleep isn’t going to do any lasting damage (except to us).

Now it’s off to bed for me. If you’re still awake, go and read more about your toddler’s sleep challenges here.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Don't Mess With The Magical Blanket

The “Comfort Thingie” — your toddler’s thumb, binkie, blanket or other “lovey” — is a vexing problem to most parents. Usually yucky, stinky, shredded and gross, we’d love to chuck it, but Toddler would FREAK. HOW to get rid of it? WHEN is it OK to get rid of it? And WHY does she need it so much, anyway?

The Comfort Thingie is part you, that’s why — it helps your toddler transition from complete dependence to independence. It carries a bit of parental mojo along with it’s stink and shreds. (And by the way, Comfort Thingies also include weird repetitive toddler behaviors – cramming blanket corners up her nose, twiddling a lock of hair, walking around with her finger in her belly button, or even head-banging to get to sleep — all qualify as Comfort Thingies.)

Tips for Getting Through The Thingie Phase

• * Know that it’s completely normal, age appropriate, and promotes independence

• * Show that you respect the Thingie, no matter how disgusting

• * Try to understand the draw of the Thingie so that you can understand what comforts your child – these things tend to be idiosyncratic, and reflective of the child’s enduring temperament and personality and preferences

• * Consider keeping the Thingie. If it’s OK with you, a tattered blanket never hurt anyone. There’s no psychological reason to force the issue. She’ll eventually lose interest, and then you can keep it to give her her when she has her own babies. (Awwwww……)

• * Pace Yourself – and your child. Don’t try to give up multiple Thingies at once (for instance, don’t eliminate the bottle, binkie, and crib simultaneously) and back off of the potty training until any Thingie Phase-Out has become routine.

• * Talk to your toddler about how the Thingie helps, so that she can begin to understand (and internalize) it’s power

• * Identify stress in your toddler’s life, and try to decrease it.

• * Don’t even suggest giving up the Thingie until the age of 3. Don’t waste your parental capital on this one, as often, the Thingie will be given up naturally. After 3 it will be easier to negotiate with your child for a “Thingie Phase-Out Plan”.

• * Rule out any medical explanation (especially in the case of head-banging) – just to be sure.

And finally… Look Away and Breathe Deeply – you might as well start practicing now! Your ability to pick and choose your parental battles will be key to getting through all the phases of your child’s development with your sanity (relatively) intact. The Comfort Thingie — while certainly disgusting now — resolves naturally in typically developing children.

Here’s more on how to know when, if, and how to transition your toddler away from her Binkie. And if you still have questions, email me at BabyShrink@gmail.com, or hit the Parent Coaching button above. I’d love to talk with you about your toddler’s stinky habit, and help you decide how to deal with the situation.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink