babyshrink.com

Here’s a continuation of the previous quote from Fraiberg. I try to keep this in mind while wrestling with the baby at diaper-changing time:

The chief characteristic of the second year is not negativism but a powerful striving to become a person and to establish permanent

Toddlers -- messy and hilarious

bonds with the world of reality. We must remember when we speak of the “negativism” of the toddler that this is also the child who is intoxicated with the discoveries of the second year, a joyful child who is firmly bound to his parents and his newfound world through ties of love…..Under ordinary circumstances it does not become anarchy. It’s a kind of declaration of independence, but there is no intention to unseat the government….The citizen can be allowed to protest the matter of the changing of his pants (they are his pants, anyway) and the government can exercise its prerogatives in the matter of pants changing without bringing on a crisis. When the citizen is small and wriggly, is illiterate and cannot even speak his native language, it takes ingenuity and patience to accomplish this, but if we do not handle this as a conspiracy against the government, he will finally acquire the desirable attitude that changing his pants is an ordinary event, and one that will not deprive him of his human rights.

Selma Fraiberg, The Magic Years, pages 62-62

It’s a lot of work coping with (and cleaning up after) these shrimpy mess-makers, but try to remember that you’re in charge, after all. Then try to enjoy the wild abandon that is the miracle of your toddler.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Toddlers say “NO” with such glee. It’s clear that they’ve discovered a powerful tool when they start to randomly chant “no no no….” like the words to a song repeated ad nauseum, meant to irritate us parents. Here’s what the Fabulous Fraiberg had to say about the issue:

Already a politician

So the toddler, with only a few words at his command, has come upon “no” as a priceless addition to his vocabulary. He says “no” with splendid authority to almost any question addressed to him. Very often it is a “no” pronounced in the best of spirits and doesn’t even signal an intention. It may even preface an opposite intention. He loves his bath. “Tony, would you like to have your bath now?” “No!” Cheerfully. (But he has already started to climb the stairs.)…What is this? A confusion of meaning? Not at all. They know the meaning of “no” quite well. It’s a political gesture, a matter of maintaining party differences while voting with the opposition on certain issues….”I wish to state at the outset that in casting my vote for the amendment on the bath, I am not influenced by the powerful interest groups that are behind this amendment, but I am…in favor of baths.” It’s a matter of keeping the record clear.

From The Magic Years, page 60.

So for all practical purposes, it’s important to keep a sort of “Toddler Translator” running at all times, ready to analyze the true meaning of any given “NO”. I’ve found this helps take the grind out of the seeming constant negativity of this age. When you look at them that way, toddlers can actually be quite hilarious. Hang in there!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

It’s always a shock — finding out your oppositional little tyke is a perfect darling for the sitter (or grandma). When I found out my usually picky eater ate like a champ at a neighbor’s house, I felt embarrassed that I had been complaining about it. It must be me, after all! I worried.

Then I realized that our kids have special plans for us — plans to humiliate, embarrass, and otherwise show us for the idiots we fear we are. And these plans don’t stop at toddlerhood, they only get more complex as they get older and wiser. Parents are morons, right? I guess I remember feeling that way about my own parents (sorry, Mom and Dad!)

It helps (a little bit) to know that toddlers act better for others because they love us so much. When they’re with the sitter, they “hold it together”, waiting for the moment when we return. They put on brave little faces and their best behavior for those temporarily in charge. And then when we return — look out! All of that stored up stress and worry and upset about our leaving is dumped at the feet of those who caused it. Here’s a reader question about the issue from the comments section, posted here in case you missed it:

Hi Dr. Heather,

But he never uses a sippy cup at home!

JD

Dear JD,

YES, it’s extremely common — predictable even — that your baby will “perform” better for a sitter. The babies save their best — and their worst — for us. They seem to “hold it together” while missing us at the sitter, and then sort of fall apart for us. Refusing things like milk or cups falls into the same category.

But what to do about the milk dilemma? Milk in particular is reminiscent of the early, close bond with mom, and so there is often a special struggle around it. Try VERY SLOWLY introducing the cow’s milk — say one tenth at a time, and wait until you’re SURE he’s used to it, then another tenth. DON’T MAKE AN ISSUE OF IT — don’t mention it, (and try not to show him both milk containers in the kitchen, maybe prepare them in advance) and just try to be matter-of-fact. Slow, steady, but no pressure.

For the cup thing, offer him a sippy of perhaps watered down juice — just a small amount, ALONG WITH whatever he’s used to, at his highchair. It’s a drag to offer both I know, but he’ll start out “playing” with the sippy and eventually get used to actually drinking out of it. And he won’t fear that you’re trying to take away his usual. You can also make a game of it by giving him juice to drink in the tub, or even in the stroller, car etc. Eventually offer the cup more and the bottle less, and offer a lot of praise when he really starts to get the hang of the cup. Also, point out kids he likes when they’re using their cups. “Look at Max and his cool Spider Man sippy cup. Max sure looks thirsty!”

Aloha!

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink