Transitioning Your Toddler from Co-Sleeper to Crib-Sleeper
He’ll only sleep with us!
Or maybe you just accidentally fell into having baby sleep in your bed. Lots of babies don’t sleep well in the first year, and we’re so tired that we’re willing to do anything to get a little rest. Plus, it really can be dee-lish to snooze with that little sweetie right there.
But eventually, your little baby grows — into a toddler. And realizes that she can 1) keep herself awake on demand, 2) insist on nursing constantly through the night, and 3) crawl, climb and play all over Mom and Dad, who are trying (in vain) to sleep.
So I get a lot of desperate emails from readers like Amy who are re-thinking the Attachment Parenting thing. Maybe not the WHOLE thing, but the “not getting any sleep at night after umpteen months” thing. Is it possible to transition a toddler OUT of your bed, and INTO her own crib? (Or is a toddler bed in your room better?)
This is such a complicated situation that I’m devoting an entire chapter in my book to it. But until that’s available, here are some things to consider:
- Toddlers don’t associate cribs with “jails” or “cages”, as some might suggest. That’s an adult projection. Toddlers feel relieved to have a safe, cozy, predictable place of their own to retreat to, after a long day toddling, climbing, and falling.
- Letting a toddler have free access to your room (or the whole house) at night while co-sleeping (or sleeping in a toddler bed in your room) is enough to cause most parents to sleep with “one eye open”. Too much freedom, not enough sleep — and maybe not safe, I say.
- Parents who aren’t getting much sleep after many, many months risk SERIOUS health consequences (think: life and death), plus the obvious negative impact on the relationship. Parents need some sleep to stay healthy and sane — plus their own time — together — to be “on the same page” and have a strong relationship. Even babies and toddlers can absorb — and accept — this message.
But how to do it? This depends on your family’s needs, the setup of your home, and your kiddo’s temperament. If you’re struggling with this, let me know. We can problem-solve in the comments section.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
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Producing a Person: Video Captures the Miracle
The most obvious of miracles are the ones right in front of us. Having a baby — producing a person– is a mind-blowing process. Just think of how many things in the delicate, microscopic machinery of the human body must go RIGHT for a baby to be born. But it’s easy get lost in the daily drudgery of life. We fail to appreciate the beauty of what our bodies have done.
So check this out: a 9 minute Ted Weekends video post that shows — in incredible detail — the journey our baby goes through to become a person. The next time fussy toddlers, crabby bosses, or terrible traffic get me down, I try to remember this video. From a single cell to trillions in just 9 months, it’s a miracle that dwarfs life’s little annoyances.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
“Crying It Out”: Acceptable — or Abuse?
Sometimes I need a good cry before a nap, too.
One of the most primitive, innate reactions any mom has is to comfort her crying child. But as we’ve talked about here before, many babies can tolerate — and thrive — with some crying, when their parents thoughtfully decide why and when that might be necessary.
That’s why articles like this leave me mystified — especially when they come from one of my shrink colleagues. Her bottom line is that CIO is dangerous. She trots out all the old arguments, hailing the Dr. Sears “science” behind her claims, and providing one of the most common misinterpretations of infant research. She makes the mistake that clinical research findings about abused and maltreated babies — babies who were pervasively denied their needs over the long-term — should be applied to NORMAL babies in NORMAL families.
The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD.
More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common –and dangerous — condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby — and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.
Firebombs like those thrown in the Psychology Today article only make the burden heavier on moms. What a shame.
Aloha as always,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
PS: Wow, what a response! After commenting here, please also see the comments developing over at the Fussy Baby Site.
What I’m Reading: Your One-Year-Old
A Classic Must-Read
I’m reading every parenting book ever written on an obsessive quest to find helpful nuggets and insights to include in my first BabyShrink book. Those of you who know me know that I think much of what’s available these days is garbage. Junk. Not practical. Not worth the money.
But once in awhile, I find a gem. Most of these gems are “oldies but goodies” — dated, in some ways, but true and superb in the way that classics always are.
Louise Bates Ames, PhD, wrote a whole series of parenting books over 30 years ago, with a new book for each year of life. I’ve read most of them, but so far, this is my favorite. It might have to do with the fact that I have a particularly spicy 1-year-old in the house (thankfully NAPPING, at the moment — something I don’t take for granted with her).
Ames doesn’t take 12-24 months for granted, like so many other parenting writers. Ames contends that, in fact, this is one of the trickiest ages to parent – and I fully agree. In this book, she explains why — and gives the simplest, sweetest, most effective suggestions I’ve ever read on how to contend with your newbie toddler.
Enjoy.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
I recently wrote about amazing findings showing that stress in early life actually causes DNA damage.
Researchers at Duke have taken the next step, finding the exact receptor that is disabled by chronic stress, resulting in genetic damage.
How will science affect her lifespan?
This adds strength to what I believe about making sure our kids are brought up in Good Enough environments: We already know that a LITTLE bit of stress is a good thing. It toughens us up and helps us learn new lessons. But too much stress, over a long period of time, is a bad thing. That’s why children brought up in chronically abusive or deprived environments fare so poorly. And these folks at Duke have found a glimpse into exactly how that works, on a molecular level. Cool stuff.
Their research is connected to how our cells are damaged in a variety of ways — including by the aging process — and I know I’m not the only 40-something parent out there hoping science will help us push the envelope of healthy life way out into the future, giving us more time with our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
Do you think science will offer us a cure for stress and aging — in our lifetimes? I hope so!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
BabyGeek: Early Trauma Damages Babies’ DNA
It took me over a year, but I finally started to understand the fabulousness that is Twitter. And no, it’s not because I want you to know what I had for lunch (although I had some amazing Indian food today). It’s because I meet a lot of interesting people on Twitter, and am directed to some fascinating info. The geek in me LOVES the immediate access I get via Twitter to all sorts of interesting infant research. But I do realize that most of you don’t share my fascination with primary-source research — you just want to get through your parenting day with your wits reasonably intact. And that’s why I’m here — to help sort through all the clutter, and show you what I think is TRULY interesting, relevant, and important to parents.
So I’m starting a new category on BabyShrink — BabyGeek. It will give me the opportunity to use more than 140 characters to help interpret the most current findings from the world of infant and child development, and the mind-boggling findings from brain and neuroscience. I hope I can make it all interesting for you, too.
And now, for my first moment of BabyGeek:
Early Trauma Damages Babies’ DNA
This heartbreaking study confirms what shrinks like me have long suspected: The mind and body are closely linked, even from the first months of life. This study shows how deeply linked: Traumatic emotional experiences such as institutional care actually damage the child’s DNA. Scientists have been investigating how the length of the telomere (the cap that protects the ends of the DNA strand) is related to health and longevity — and the orphans in the study had significantly shorter telomeres. Here’s the study report.
In college, we used to argue about “nature vs. nurture”. Now, we know it’s nature AND nurture — down to our DNA.
I’m waiting for the research that shows longer telomeres in babies from “good enough” homes. I wonder what other aspects of parental care will show impacts — positive or negative — on DNA?
What are your thoughts?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
And I hope to see you on Twitter! Follow me here.
Exciting Work — BabyShrink’s Updates
Whew, I’ve been busy!
Make sure to check me out all month on ParentsConnect.com, the Nick Jr parenting blog. You know, “We’re not perfect, we’re parents.” We had an awesome connection over my “Good Enough” parenting posts, and it’s exciting to interact with so many of their families. It was all made possible by the fab folks at Learning Care Group — you probably know them by their 1,000+ schools in the US, including ChildTime, Tutor Time, La Petite Academy, Montessori Unlimited, and The Children’s Courtyard. I’ve been blogging for them on the LCG Blog Learning Together too. They have exciting plans for showing off their expertise with kids — and they want my help. I’m honored and thrilled — and I’ll keep you posted as things develop.
I recently spent a bunch of time with the LCG folks on the mainland, creating a series of parenting videos. I’ll post them here soon, and they’ll also be on the LCG website. It was a wild ride, creating top-notch, scientifically-based, but accessible info for parents in the most professional, high-quality, high-tech media environment.
In the meantime, I’m expanding my Parent Coaching practice, and juggling not one, not two, but THREE kids’ basketball team schedules. What the heck — it’s all good experience for my LCG writing — they want to focus on work/life balance in the future, and my house is the perfect crucible to test out some new approaches.
Thanks for your continued support, and I hope you’ll stick around to check out some of my parenting tips!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Sudden Fears in 12 to 15-Month-Old Babies
Not The Dreaded Bath!
Let me tell you about a cool conversation I had the other day with my Infant Research/Rock Star Guru, Professor Joseph Campos (at UC Berkeley). He helped me understand more about a funky phenomenon I’ve written about here before: The Weird, Wacky, Sudden Fears of the 12 — 15-month old. You know: Crazy fears of the bath, bizarre fears of mustached men, and other kooky things like Fear of Flowers (I kid you not — I’ve heard ‘em all — many from my own kids). As I’ve said before, these sudden fears are NORMAL — but now I understand a little more about WHY.
It’s a combination of what I’ve already written about here — adjusting to the exciting (and scary) new world of mobility, as well as an inborn fear of sudden, unexpected unfamiliarity. Babies this age tend to freak when they see something that looks out of place – a man with facial hair (if they’re used to clean-shaven guys), dogs that suddenly bark loudly, or things that move in unexpected, uncontrollable directions (like flowers in the breeze). Turns out that adult chimpanzees also have similar fears. Interestingly, our toddlers grow out of these fears — chimps do not. Rapidly developing baby brains are starting to compare “familiar” to “unfamiliar”. It’s likely protective — which is especially needed now that the baby is toddling around, away from parents.
Sudden baby fears are also related to a similar parent frustration at this age: Resistance to car seats, strollers, changing tables, high chairs, or any similar baby-jail. Why? Because they remove the element of control from your little one — and CONTROL is what helps to decrease baby’s fears.
So here’s how to cope with those intense and sometimes inexplicable fears in your young toddler: Give her as much control as possible (given safety factors, and of course your need to do other stuff, too.) Fear of the unknown and unexpected is always best soothed with CONTROL. Let baby approach (or avoid) fascinating/scary things (or people) at her own pace. Explain to her when it’s time to get into the car seat — and let her try to negotiate herself into it, if possible. (She just might do it, if you give her a minute to think it through.) Take the pressure off if she’s feeling shy or fearful. And most of all: DON’T WORRY. Weird toddler fears mean nothing about future psychological adjustment (and the more YOU freak out about her fears, the more SHE’LL freak out about them.)
But on the flip side: If baby needs to get into the car seat NOW, or if she MUST have a bath tonight — that’s OK, too. Explain it to her. “I know you don’t want a bath, but you have enchiladas in your hair, honey. I promise to make this as fast as possible, then we’ll be all done.” Be supportive and understanding — but shampoo away. You won’t do any psychological harm. The trick is to give her the general message that, WHEN POSSIBLE, you’ll give her as much control as you can. But sometimes the grown-ups have to be in charge (and that’s a good lesson, too).
The good news is this: These fears almost always dissipate by 18 months of age. (Then you’ll be on to bigger and better things — like Full On Temper Tantrums.) Whee!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four and Parenting Expert
The Holidays with Young Children: Keeping It Simple
Simpler Is Better
Preserving the meaning of the holidays is tricky with so much pressure — pressure to BUY, pressure to TRAVEL, and pressure to JUGGLE HOLIDAY EVENTS. The obligations start to pile up, and pretty soon we can’t wait until it’s all over.
Here in Hawaii, we’ve learned something about simplicity: Simple is better. Not always easier — but better. As we’re being bombarded with impossible holiday expectations, keep this in mind — babies and young children don’t have ANY expectations for the holidays. Everything is new to them — even more reason to keep it simple. They can only absorb so much before they go into overload and meltdown. Admiring decorations, singing songs, and extra time with family are all it takes to make a great holiday for a young child — and make it easier on us, too.
Because kids — especially young kids — take their cues directly from us. So a successful holiday is mainly about OUR mood, and how it affects our kids. If we’re stressed about travel schedules, dreading family reunions, and scrambling to get “the best” presents, our kids will absorb THOSE feelings about the holidays. On the other hand, if we can relax and enjoy the time off — cooking, playing, and having fun with holiday rituals — our kids will absorb THOSE feelings. Which sounds better?
Consider These Simpler Holiday Options:
* Fewer presents — more thoughtfully written (and decorated) cards
* Fewer “junk” holiday treats — more time cooking real meals together
* Less money spent on toys — more time volunteering for those in need
* Fewer holiday parties — more family “cocooning” time
Aloha and Happy Holidays,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
BabyShrink’s Thinking Points for Parents
Different from month to month
Lately I’ve been getting a lot of requests for expert comments on baby stuff: parenting mags who want info for their stories. I’ve got a love-hate relationship with those magazines. They recycle the same old stuff, and aren’t in-depth enough to get down into the heart of the issue. So parents are left with a handy-dandy little checklist that MIGHT work with their child (but just as likely won’t) — and they’re left doubting themselves and their parenting ability (or the development of their child.) “If National Parent Mag says this should work, why doesn’t it work with my child?”
Most of the writers are simply learning right along with their readers. I recently spent 20 minutes explaining to one writer why sleep cycles (and parents’ approaches to sleep) should change over time. Meaning that a 3-month-old is a totally different animal than an 18-month old, and therefore, responds way differently to sleep “training”. There’s no quick, “one size fits all” sleep-training answer. It hadn’t occurred to this writer of a major parenting mag (a parent of a toddler herself) that since the psychological needs of a young child vary over time, so must our approaches to the various issues that come up.
This has me thinking of the simple but powerful ways that parents can consider the psychological development of their babies and young children (which really is the whole point of BabyShrink). I’m working on a book on the subject, which allows me more room to explore the issue, but for the time being I’m left with the same problem that parenting mag writers have: cramming a huge subject into a limited amount of space. So what I’ll do is list some “thinking points” for you to consider in your parenting, and we can discuss further as you have questions:
BabyShrink’s Thinking Points For Parents:
* Your baby’s psychological needs change over time. 0-6 months is about getting oriented to the world and trying to feel safe in it. 9-12 months is a whole different ball game, and leads into toddlerhood, which is different yet again (check out “annoying toddler behaviors” under my Categories below and to the right). Vary your approach as your child goes through each stage.
* Psychological development doesn’t follow a straight line. There will be “regression”, and there will be progress. This is normal and expected.
* The fact that your young child CAN do something doesn’t mean that she WILL do it. HAVING a skill doesn’t mean your child is psychologically ready to USE it. Readiness to sleep through the night, potty training, talking, and most other issues have strong psychological components — handling that aspect artfully, helps your child navigate the issue more completely, and with less chance of later problems.
* Your child’s temperament is a major Wild Card here. What works for an “easy” baby might be worthless for your “fussy” baby. An “intense” toddler needs a totally different approach than a “shy” one. A “bold” preschooler needs a different approach than a more “sensitive” one.
Randomly trying new parenting “solutions” can be really frustrating. Understanding the psychology of your child, and making a parenting plan based on these “Thinking Points”, is the key to finding your way with your child. If you want to to know more about how psychological development affects your parenting, and how it can best be handled given the unique temperament of your child, there are lots of ways to learn more. Click around my site, Twitter me your questions @BabyShrink, comment here, or email me at BabyShrink@gmail.com for Parent Coaching.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Aloha, I’m Dr. Heather
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