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When a new baby joins the family, it’s normal for the couple to go through a re-organization of roles. A common struggle has to do with power and control. Who makes the decisions? About what? Who has “final” say about parenting? This often crops up in arguments about seemingly petty things; but they don’t FEEL petty while we’re in the midst of the struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I argued with BabyShrink’s Hubby about how often the stupid Diaper Genie needed to be changed. See reader Amy’s question below for a similar struggle.

Dear Dr. Heather,

My husband and I are disagreeing over what color to paint our impending child’s room.

In a nutshell, this is the disagreement: I want to paint the room pale green; my husband wants to paint it orange. Yes, orange. I told my husband that orange is too vibrant for a baby’s bedroom, that orange is a color that will stimulate the mind - possibly too much. The last thing I want is (another) child who won’t sleep, and if there’s a chance orange will enable or worsen daytime sleep problems, I do not want orange. He says it would be a light orange - but not peach - and that I’m crazy.

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

Sincerely,

Amy, www.thetextureofthings.com

Hi Amy,

It is possible your baby MAY have some preference or reaction to a paint color, but not likely until she can look around and focus her eyes, and then only if she has a sensory issue. You won’t know until you learn about your new baby’s temperament.

But what I think is even more important (and probably the underlying issue?) is the question of Who Makes the Decisions About This Baby? Mom or Dad? Perhaps your hubby is simply looking for a way to feel he is contributing to the decisions being made about the baby. Many Dads feel pushed to the side; like they are “chopped liver” in the parenting department. Taking A Stand on a little issue like paint color might be the way he is asserting his parental authority; saying he cares about what happens when the baby arrives, and wants to be involved.

Dads often feel helpless and useless with a new baby. I remember a friend of ours, a tough guy named Zak. True story: Zak was “all guy”, from old-school Boston. When he and his wife had their first baby, we asked him how it was going. “My wife does everything….feeds the baby, changes him, bathes him…all he wants is her. I want to help so badly, but it seems like there’s nothing I can do. Last night I felt so frustrated I just went and sat in my truck and cried.” We still have a good chuckle over the image of poor tough-guy Zak, crying in his truck.

But the message is poignant: Dads want to contribute…need to contribute…can contribute, in very meaningful ways.

Now I know that sometimes, their efforts can be…well, let’s say, a little misguided. (I mean, seriously, orange?! I feel your pain!) But maybe this is an opportunity to make sure Dad has his say, and is made to feel like a partner in making important parenting decisions about this baby. It’s an issue that will crop up over and over again while your baby grows through different developmental stages…a dance you and your hubby will continue to do together.

But the bottom line is, your baby will benefit from Dad’s full participation, even if her room is day-glo orange.

Good luck, and happy painting!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

Katie J. had some great questions last time: How much does she need to “play” with her new baby? Should we call out the Mommy Police if a new baby is left to coo and gurgle on her own, once in awhile?

Now that I’ve (hopefully) dispelled the guilt that Katie J. felt for not “maximizing” every possible play opportunity, I wanted to answer another related question….How DO you “play” with a tiny baby, anyway?

Easy. Hold her facing you, propped up at an angle on your legs, so her face is no more than 1-2 feet from yours. Babies’ eyes don’t focus well at longer distances. (And babies’ brains are hard-wired to look for and be interested in the human face…especially their parents’).  Or let her stay in her bouncy seat, and sit on the floor in front of her. See what she seems to like best.

When you catch her gaze, smile and talk to her, in short, simple sentences. While she won’t “respond” in words, she will respond by using her body. Try to figure out what her body seems to be “saying” to you. Tell her what you think she’s “saying”, even if it’s just a guess. “Answer” her. Be silly. Sing to her. Experiment with the tone and volume of your voice, and with the way you move your body and face. See what she responds to best, and do more of that.

After awhile (for many babies, just a few minutes), she will have had “enough”. The direct interaction is intense for a baby that age. She needs it, but often can only tolerate it in short bursts. When she gets fussy, starts to look away, cough, drool and otherwise get “disorganized” with her body movements, you know you need to make a change. Perhaps she’d like to be held now? Maybe facing away from you, to cut down on the direct stimulation of your body and face? Or perhaps she prefers being “slung” over your shoulder, to get a nice, calming back rub? Or maybe she just wants some “alone time” now for a bit in her bouncy seat or swing, so she can try to make sense of the intense interaction with you she just had? Experiment with your baby. Find her rhythm. It’s there, it just takes your parent detective powers to figure out the ebb and flow of her cycle.

Your baby is most receptive to direct interaction with you when she is alert and calm. These periods come regularly throughout the day, in a cyclical pattern. Start to take notice of your baby’s unique (and often, predictable) rhythms. Very young babies like yours go through fairly rapid sleep/wake activity cycles throughout the day. These cycles consist of 3-4 hour cycles throughout the day that are usually fairly consistent, from baby to baby. For instance, here is a typical pattern for a very young baby:

• Sleep (1-2 hours), transitioning to:
• Happy/awake alertness –“play time” (the shortest of the phases, sometimes as short as just a few minutes), transitioning to:
• Fussing/overstimulated/hungry, needing to be fed, held, soothed, transitioning back to:
• Sleep, and so on, throughout the day.

Each baby is a little different; our first baby tended to go straight from sleep to fussy/hungry, then had her happy/alert “play” time after her tummy was full. But her younger brother could wait awhile after waking up and liked to “play” before he got hungry.

Start to observe your baby’s sleep/wake/alertness patterns. Jot down her activity level and the time of day. After a few days, you’ll start to see her pattern emerge. You can then target your play time for when she’s most receptive.

Have Fun!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

PS If you’re interested in learning more, you must watch The Baby Human series. It’s fascinating, and demonstrates exactly what I’m talking about here, and more. It also showcases current infant research in a really exciting way (I promise)!

Dear BabyShrink,

I’m having trouble figuring out when to put my two-month-old daughter down, and when to pick her up and play with her. I’ve heard many ways of encouraging her development, but I feel guilty when I place her in her chair to get things done. She sleeps well at night, but I often spend a lot of time holding her and rocking her to sleep in the daytime. When I put her down in her bassinet she frequently wakes up crying, so I end up holding her while she naps. A big part of my problem is that I really don’t want to be like my mom, who I feel was pretty neglectful.  Sometimes when I put her down, I feel like I’m being like my mom. So, my question is, how much do I need to play and interact with my baby? How much is it okay to sit and let her play by herself?

Katie J.

Dear Katie J.,

Good questions: Is it OK to let a happy, alert baby sit alone in her baby seat while you get something done? And if so, how much, before there is “neglect” and developmental damage?

Trying to Improve our Parenting with Every Generation
You say you want to change the pattern in your family of origin; and you want to pay more attention to your baby than what you experienced. Let me say this: The fact that you are conscious and aware of the issue tells me you are already most of the way there. It’s hard (but critically important) to be aware of the psychological baggage we bring to our parenting. If we’re not aware, we’re likely to do one of two things: Repeat the same negative patterns as the generations before us, OR overreact in the opposite direction in an attempt to “correct” the wrongs of our parents. So if you were neglected as a baby, you might find yourself either automatically leaving the baby alone too much…or being a “helicopter parent”; hovering every second, not allowing the baby any room to be alone. Conscious awareness of our ingrained tendencies makes it possible to move past them.

Once you’re aware of your tendencies, you can react less to your own inner demons, and respond more to the unique baby in front of you. What does she seem to need, today? What are the patterns you notice in her temperament? When is she most responsive to interaction and “play”? When is she content to be left on her own for a bit while you get something done around the house? There is no magical formula that tells us how many minutes per hour or day that will be optimal for her development. She will “tell” you, through her behavior. Babies are all different. You’re best off trying to “read” yours from moment to moment.

How Do I Know What My Baby Really Needs?
When you observe your baby’s behavior over time, you will notice she has unique rhythms and patterns. Sometimes, she will have better control over her body, and be nice and alert. Other times, she will be disorganized in her movements, overwhelmed, irritable, tired or hungry. These patterns follow a fairly predictable cycle throughout the day. Your baby is most receptive to interaction and “play” when she is in the quiet, observant, alert phase of her sleep/wake/activity cycle. Other times, she will prefer to sit on her own, observing her environment, trying to make sense of it all. At two months, she is working so hard to try to focus her eyes, move her head (and feet and hands) purposefully, get used to her digestion and other internal sensations, and make sense of all that information. So giving her some time alone to “take it all in” while she’s in her bouncy seat (or crib, or bassinet) is perfectly fine. READ HER CUES. A well-developing baby will thrive on both her intimate, intense “play times” with you, and also be able to tolerate some time just watching the world go by.

A Mother’s Guilt: Never in Short Supply
But it’s OK if you can’t play with her at each and every opportunity… I give you permission! Perhaps you have other things to do…Oh, I don’t know, like make dinner? Do laundry? Take care of other kids? Or, even lie down on the couch and relax for a bit (what a concept)? You need to balance her needs, and the needs of the family; that includes YOU too. You need to re-fuel yourself so that you can be your best with your baby. A tired, overwhelmed Mom doesn’t read anyone’s cues very well.

You can find practical solutions to some of the challenges in your baby’s early months, too. I hear you when you say your daughter is awake and fussy more in the daytime. You want to give her attention, but you also need to balance the needs of the rest of the household and the family. My second baby wanted to be held more than the others and didn’t nap well, but he slept well at night like your baby. So while we did play together during the day, when he was fussy and tired (but not willing to sleep) I schlepped him around in a front-carrier so that he could get the physical contact he craved, but I could still get something done around the house. Find solutions that are workable not only for your baby, but for you too.

Experiment with these ideas and let us know how it goes.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Next time, I’ll tackle a related issue: How DO you “play” with a tiny baby, anyway?