babyshrink.com

Dear BabyShrink,

Mama A in Canada

Hi Mama A,

You pose a very interesting and important question. How do we handle the sexual development of our very young children?

Young childrens’ bodies are actively developing in every way. As they develop, they learn that their bodies have different kinds of sensations. It’s a normal part of their own
self-exploration. Young children do experience immature sexual sensations, and masturbation is quite normal. It does not mean that the child is developing sexually too early.

However, it’s a difficult balance to strike, as parents. We want to send the message
that sexual feelings are healthy and normal. But we also want our children to
have a strong sense of boundaries and understanding of what is “good touching”
and what is “bad touching”. We also want them to know that there are appropriate places for self-exploration. For instance, your daughter can feel free to explore her body when she is alone in her room. But it’s not an activity for the living room, or with other kids. It’s
not too early to begin conveying those messages now. You can say, I know it
feels good when you do that. But it’s for you to do in private, in your room,
OK?

We want them to learn to feel comfortable with their bodies and the pleasurable sensations they experience. But we also want them to develop a strong psychological sense of
privacy and safety in experiencing sexual feelings. This is a good time to
start mentioning little facts about her body, and who is allowed to touch whom,
and where.

The emotional message you send about the issue is at least as important as the words you use.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about bodies and sexual feelings, perhaps practice first. You don’t need to give her a big lecture. You should simply mention little facts now and again, such as Oh, you’re wearing a bathing suit now. Who is allowed to touch you under your bathing suit? Only you. Or Mommy, Daddy or your doctor, to make sure you’re clean and healthy.

You also need to talk to your daughter’s pediatrician about it, since little girls can have irritation caused by a urinary tract infection or rash. This may cause itching and the
kind of behavior you describe. So check that out, too.

One last comment about masturbation. Some may worry that their child was sexually abused or somehow learned this behavior inappropriately. But how do you know if that’s true? If your child masturbates excessively, to the exclusion of other usually interesting activities, and can’t keep her behavior to herself privately, you might want to ask your doctor for help. (And don’t feel embarrassed asking about it; your pediatrician hears this question several times a day!)

I hope this helps!

Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

I fully intended on breastfeeding my first baby. But after trying hard for six weeks, we had to give up. We had 3 lactation specialists, moms, friends, and my doctor helping. But my baby was not gaining weight and crying all the time. I just never made more than a half-ounce of milk at a time, despite pumping and nursing all day (and night). But the specialists all told me to keep trying. That eventually, I would make more milk. I never did, and I could not stand to know that she was hungry. I had to feed her!

Feeding my baby formula felt like a failure as a mom. But she is developing into a wonderful and healthy little girl. Now that I am expecting my second baby, I still think back to that time and I worry about it. It makes me so depressed that I still get teary-eyed every time I think of trying to nurse again. All my friends and my sister were able to nurse. Why not me? People are urging me to try it, but I just can’t go through that again. I was so stressed out at a time I wanted to be enjoying my new baby. Now I will have a toddler to care for as well.

How do I handle this? Any thoughts are appreciated.

Sign me Anonymous
Atlanta

Dear, Dear Anonymous Mom,

I asked you if I could post this letter because so many moms out there are experiencing this same thing right now. Terrible guilt and angst because of being unable (or unwilling, for what can be excellent reasons) to breastfeed their babies. Let me say this immediately: as a psychologist, I want you to be as happy and stress-free as possible during the early months with your baby. Your baby’s development and happiness depends very much on YOUR emotional state at that crucial time. If breastfeeding is causing you too much strain and guilt…it’s just not worth it.

OK, I said it! Let the breastfeeding police come and take me away. But it has to be said.

Some of you are about to get angry at me. So before that happens, let me state a few things as fact:

· Breastmilk has absolute advantages, nutritionally, over formula

· Nursing has been shown to be beneficial in many ways, to both mother and baby

· I support the ability of Moms to nurse their kids anywhere at any time

· I nursed our three kids

But the pressure to breastfeed can be harmful to many Moms. It’s hurting some of you (and by extension, your babies). While I accept the fact that some Moms simply may not understand the benefits and simplicity of breastfeeding, and I do wish more Moms would at least try it out, I don’t accept the patronizing (matronizing?) attitude that often goes along with judging Moms for their choice not to nurse…or their physical inability to do so.

As a licensed psychologist, I also see many Moms who feel inadequate, uncertain, and self-critical because of society’s pressure to breastfeed. They in turn transmit those feelings to their babies.

Although we are told that virtually all mothers can (and should) nurse their babies, consider the following real-life examples of Moms who simply can’t breastfeed:

· The Moms who, like Anonymous above, went through several lactation specialists, medications, and weeks of stress, only to find her breasts simply won’t produce milk (and her baby wasn’t gaining weight)

· The Moms who need to take medicine for postpartum depression (or other life-threatening illness) and want to protect their babies from the medication

· The Moms who have no breasts, either because of an accident, illness, or congenital condition

These are cases where Moms CANNOT breastfeed. Yet in each case, these Moms are criticized and judged by others who have the nerve to ask them, “Why aren’t you breastfeeding?”

But I must maintain that there are also situations where Moms CHOOSE NOT to breastfeed, and that choice must be respected. Who are we to judge the choices other parents make about feeding their babies? Who are we to impose our decisions on them?

I would rather see a happy mom and baby with a bottle of formula than a stressed out mom (and baby) struggling through nursing. To me, the most important thing is that Mom feels comfortable in her decisions as a parent. If Mom is happy, everyone’s happy. I actually stole the term "Good Enough Mother" from one of my shrink heroes, Dr. Donald Winnicott. He was the first to say, "back in the day", that you should not strive to be a perfect parent….just a good enough parent. If you want to get the scoop on him, read more here. (It’s a little technical, but if you’re into psychology, Winnicott is a classic.) 

And it extends to the “I’m a better parent than you” kind of competitiveness that continues beyond the baby stage. Who’s toddler is smarter/cuter/faster/going to the “better” preschool? Who is watching the least TV? Who has the better diet?

Our expectations of being “Good Enough” mothers have gotten completely out of whack. And the very strong pressure to breastfeed our babies does not help.

Again, this is all about expectations. It’s important for parents to have realistic expectations of their parenting. Parenting decisions have to be made with the best interests of both parent and child in mind. Breast or bottle? Your choice is best.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

There is a strain of
pregnancy propaganda out there that sets new moms up for failure. It says that
unless you “achieve” some particular kind of delivery perfection, well,
then…you haven’t quite made the cut, as a Mom. And that makes me angry.

It’s in all the standard
pregnancy books. Something along the lines of, “Create your own birth plan. Be
in charge of your delivery. Don’t let that mean, nasty doctor force you to
deliver in some way that’s NOT in your plan. Decide in advance if you want to
use pain medications for the delivery….or not.”

What they don’t say is that
the birth process is usually so unpredictable that your carefully crafted
“Birth Plan” gets left at the bottom of your carefully packed “Going To The
Hospital Bag”…that got left at home, in a panic, as you rushed to the hospital.

Now, I’m a recovering control
freak, so don’t get me wrong. Anything that’s called “a plan” looks fabulous to
me. I did it myself, with our first baby. Here were my rules, when I was
cluelessly buying into the notion that I could actually control the birth
process by planning for it in advance: No induction. Lovely, inspirational
music playing in the background. No pain meds. No pitocin. No c-section. (Oh
yeah: no binkies or bottles for the baby either, but that was a different
lesson for me to learn, for a different post!)

What happened, you ask? Oh,
surely you must have guessed by now. I had it coming to me, big time. The
control freak gets hammered. The doctor wanted to induce labor, since the baby
was getting big, and she was overdue. But oh no, that was not in my Birth Plan.
So we waited. And waited. When labor finally did begin, the early stages went
well. But when it came time to push…not so well. I pushed and pushed and
pushed…and nothing happened. I stood up to push. I squatted to push. I pushed
and pushed for hours. The doctor wanted to add pitocin in order to add strength
to the contractions, to help me along. No way. Not in the birth plan. She
wanted to add an epidural, to relax me. No dice, doc. Finally the doctor had to
go and do an emergency c-section on another lady. I had some time. The nurse
convinced me to have the epidural and the pitocin, and then our baby was
finally born. After four solid hours of
pushing.

I was so sore after the
delivery I had to sit on two huge pillows for weeks, and I still was miserable. Here are some other examples
of “Birth Plans” that didn’t “pan” out:

· The
alternative-medicine-practitioner who swore she’d never use pain meds, who
begged for (and got, with huge relief) an epidural after 12 hours of
excruciating labor

· The Maui-Hippie-type who
arranged to have a birthing bath (with doula) brought to her home, only to need
an emergency c-section at 34 weeks

· My pain-fearing friend who
hoped for every drug in the hospital, but delivered in the hallway of the ER
while her husband was parking the car

Now, I’m all for planning, to
the extent that planning is possible.

But I’m really against the notion of
feeding new mothers the idea that there is somehow an ideal birthing situation
that they should be aiming for…other than the delivery of a healthy baby, with
a healthy mother. Because that sets us up for comparisons, judging, and disappointment.
The labor and delivery process is so unpredictable, and so individual and
varied, that you really cannot plan for every possibility.

Many of you have expressed
sadness, even a sense of failure, because you had to have a c-section. Or if
you “caved”, and got an epidural.  Unrealistic
expectations can lead to big problems. For some, this disappointment can even
lead to postpartum depression.

Lamaze Shlamaze; use whatever
works.

The breathing techniques I
learned in yoga and exercise classes helped me way more than anything I learned
in the actual preparation to have a baby. That said, I still pushed for four
hours! The only thing that is important in delivering your baby is that both
you and baby are healthy. I don’t care if a Martian comes down and performs
some kind of weird alien delivery for you, as long as you and your baby are
healthy at the end of it.

Did you have any surprises in
your delivery? Do tell!