Make sure to check me out all month on ParentsConnect.com, the Nick Jr parenting blog. You know, “We’re not perfect, we’re parents.” We had an awesome connection over my “Good Enough” parenting posts, and it’s exciting to interact with so many of their families. It was all made possible by the fab folks at Learning Care Group — you probably know them by their 1,000+ schools in the US, including ChildTime, Tutor Time, La Petite Academy, Montessori Unlimited, and The Children’s Courtyard. I’ve been blogging for them on the LCG Blog Learning Together too. They have exciting plans for showing off their expertise with kids — and they want my help. I’m honored and thrilled — and I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

I recently spent a bunch of time with the LCG folks on the mainland, creating a series of parenting videos. I’ll post them here soon, and they’ll also be on the LCG website. It was a wild ride, creating top-notch, scientifically-based, but accessible info for parents in the most professional, high-quality, high-tech media environment.

In the meantime, I’m expanding my Parent Coaching practice, and juggling not one, not two, but THREE kids’ basketball team schedules. What the heck — it’s all good experience for my LCG writing — they want to focus on work/life balance in the future, and my house is the perfect crucible to test out some new approaches.

Thanks for your continued support, and I hope you’ll stick around to check out some of my parenting tips!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

BabyShrink is almost 3!

Is it possible that BabyShrink is approaching it’s THIRD birthday? This site was launched with much anxiety on my part — and also, great hopes and dreams. Sort of like having a REAL baby. Come to think of it, there are lots of similarities between writing a parenting column and having a baby — the staggering amount of work — 24/7 — being one of them.

So as I was toiling away out here in my island home, pressing the “Publish” button every week and wondering whether anyone would even read my stuff, an interesting thing happened — people DID start reading, and more importantly — enjoying their parenting adventures a little more because of it.

So it comes with a great sense of satisfaction (and even joy) to announce the next step for me — adding the title of “Expert”, in affiliation with some pretty impressive folks. You’ve probably heard Dr. Oz talking about his great new health site, ShareCare, powered by some of the most prestigious names in the country. I’m excited to be on ShareCare — here’s my bio — answering your questions about parenting, child development, and family life. It’s a super user-friendly experience, so I hope you’ll sign up today, along with the 200,000 others who have already jumped on board to Dr. Oz’s Move It And Lose It personalized diet and fitness plan — and countless others looking for real answers to health questions.

I’m also really excited to be featured alongside some awesome names in parenting and family health over at Parents.Com. They have a cool Q and A tool where you can submit questions — and the panel of experts answers for you. Check me out on the same list with gurus like Dr. Harvey Karp (of “Happiest Baby on the Block” fame), Dr. Ari Brown (of the “Baby 411” series), and Dr. Alice Domar, a fellow shrink who’s done tons of fantastic stuff on women’s health at Harvard (among others).

Thanks for all of your support and encouragement — as always, send me your parenting questions. In addition to these cool new ways to reach me,  you can always comment here, tweet me, or drop me an email so that we can arrange some individualized Parent Coaching for you and your family. I’d love to talk with you personally.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

See me on page 191

Thanks to Parents Magazine and Sharlene Johnson for giving me the opportunity to be the “Q and A” expert on a

topic we’re all familiar with…The Dawdling Toddler. Pick up a copy anywhere magazines are sold, and let us know YOUR suggestions for getting your toddler out the door in the morning.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

So thanks for your nice comments about this article, and for making it one of BabyShrink’s most popular posts over the past year.

Click here to check it out!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

When I was freaking out about my lack of technical abilities, Danny calmed me down. “You’re doing just fine, Heh. This stuff isn’t as difficult as you think it is. It’s going to be awesome!” When I had no confidence in my writing, he was my editor extraordinaire. When I lost my way and wondered if anyone would find my blogging helpful, Hot Wife reassured me, gave me suggestions, and never fed me platitudes. I can always count on Sharon to tell it to me straight.

Danny inspired me to go online with BabyShrink as I saw him struggle with depression, and reveal his inner workings to the world in hopes that he could help others in the process. The note he hits with millions of readers worldwide convinced me that blogging can be a powerful way to help others — and help ourselves in the process.

So if you missed my interview with Danny, here it is. Because of the power of the DadGoneMad readership, and the tsunami of traffic Danny sent me, this is my most-read post ever. Enjoy!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

But that doesn’t mean my dedication has flagged. In fact, this week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of BabyShrink, and I’m taking the opportunity to review the excitement of the past year, and thank you all for the success that this site continues to be.

BabyShrink started as an outlet for me to share my passion for understanding the development of babies, young children, and parents. In my practice, I evaluate and treat (mostly) toddlers whose development has somehow gone awry. Many of these cases involve complex problems like autism, chromosomal defects, trauma, or abuse. But the majority of questions I get about these children have less to do with their complex disorders — and more to do with basic, “run-of-the-mill” child development and parenting issues. Parents in rural areas such as mine have little access to this kind support and information. So I decided to make my parenting suggestions and resources available online.

It’s been a thrill to discover that parents all over the world have found helpful information on BabyShrink. Each day, I eagerly check my “stats” to see what parts of the world my readers are from: Latvia, Australia, Singapore, Turkey, Hong Kong, Trinidad and Tobago, and Canada are on today’s list of visitors. And I’m especially thrilled to give a shout-out to all my American compatriots and readers; today I see you coming in from Yonkers, Berkeley, Des Moines, Anchorage, and a dedicated reader from Cranberry Township, PA who pored over 13 posts this morning. Aloha and mahalo to you all!

Over the next week, I’ll be revisiting some of your all-time favorite posts…you might be surprised (as I am) at my “most-Googled” articles. I’ll also give you a bit of an insider’s glimpse into what it’s been like for a shrink like me to reinvent herself as a blogger, with a shoestring budget and not a lick of technical know-how (all while juggling a marriage, three young children, and my PAYING shrink job). I hope I can inspire you to chase down your own dreams in the process…and continue to encourage you to let “good enough” be GOOD ENOUGH in our efforts to raise our kids.

For a trip down memory lane, I’ve included a link below to my very-first introductory post, published one year today. It’s fun to see that, despite some unpredicted twists and turns, we’ve been able to stick to our goals and interests here. Enjoy!

Welcome To BabyShrink: March 6, 2008

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Yes, there is.

Every day, I check my WordPress “Stats” to see what parents have been reading on BabyShrink. I think it’s hilarious that each and every day I get several Google “hits” from people entering in phrases like this to the search box:

My toddler smears poop everywhere, what do I do?

They end up on this page, which is my all-time most-read post. And if you’ve read the post, you know that I laugh from all-too-knowing experience.

But every so often, I get a question from a reader who needs more help with this problem; it’s progressed past the point of my suggestions. So yes, dear readers, it’s time for yet another poop-smearing post:

Dear Dr. Heather,

My three-year-old daughter has been smearing poop, and it has increased in frequency. Not only does she smear her poop everywhere, but she also has a corner in my living room where she, for the lack of a better term, “marks her territory.” She knows when to pee on the potty and does it fine. But more lately, she will strip off her pull-up and go to that corner to either pee or smear her poop. I don’t know what to do since EVERYTHING I have tried seems not to work. I have had extreme difficulty with her potty training, which her doctor said is normal due to the fact that she is extremely hyperactive and just doesn’t want to stop. He says she is afraid to miss something. I realized that almost a year ago her father stopped coming around, and it has been almost a year since she began this frustrating habit. But it’s gotten worse lately and I don’t know if it’s an outcry towards me because she is possibly mad at me for her father not being around?? Also I am a single mother and although I was able to quit my job and be with her recently i am still not able to give her my 110% attention all the time. I don’t know…all I know is I need help. I can’t handle this…nor can I STOMACH this anymore!! Thank you for your time.

“Tired of Cleaning Up After the Little Stinker”

Dear Tired,

Sounds like you have a complex problem here. If her pediatrician says there is nothing medically or developmentally wrong, you can try using some of these techniques:

First, try some concrete behavioral strategies. Does she have a usual time of day when she poops? Most toddlers do it about the same time each day, and only do it once. If she does, watch her closely until she’s made her poop. Don’t let her wander away from you unobserved until she has pooped. Then you can give her a little more free-reign after you know she’s done for the day. Also, you can dress her in a more restrictive way until she has done her poop. Get a larger size onesie, with perhaps some leggings over it, to put her in until she’s pooped. If she lets you know in advance that she needs to go, fine. You can help her get undressed and to the toilet. If not, it’s OK for now if she goes in her pull-up.

You might also move around things in “her corner”, making it a difficult or unappealing place to spend her time. Experiment with furniture in the room to see if you can re-configure it to “eliminate” that place where she usually goes. Change around the whole room so her association to it is also changed. Make “her corner” a more focal place of the room, so that it’s not a hideaway, and she can’t have any privacy there.

Don’t make a big deal about using the potty right now. She’s giving you mixed messages about being ready, and in that case, the advice is usually to back off from potty training. Let her be in charge of when she uses the potty. But do be clear with her that smearing poop or going on the floor is NOT an option. It’s yucky. Mommy does not like to clean that up. But when she DOES successfully use the potty, make a big deal out of it. Hurray! What a big girl! It’s so nice and clean when you go in the potty! Consider giving her a small treat (one jelly bean, for example) every time she does go to the potty, even if it’s just to pee. And try not to be scolding if she goes in her pull-up. Just be matter-of-fact about it, and clean it up.

I also would not use punishment if she smears poop again. You might remove her from the “scene of the crime”, since you have to sanitize it. Be serious, but neutral. Remind her where she should go, and that poop does not belong on the walls or the floor.

Also, it’s important to give her plenty of opportunity to play with acceptable, squishy, messy things like finger paints, play-doh, even mud pies. She clearly likes the feeling of it; give her ample opportunity to make a mess in an acceptable way. Tell her when you’re playing with messy things, “This is fun to be messy. We can be messy with paints!”

You ask about the impact of her Daddy leaving, and whether that is related. I can’t judge that from here. But you can ask yourself about the impact it has had on YOU. If you have been upset, if things have been very different around the house, you can bet your daughter has picked up on that. But is it related to the poop-smearing? Difficult to say. If you need more input about that, I would suggest talking with a licensed therapist who has a specialty in working with young children. And if you’re having trouble coping, please seek out some help. A little bit of good therapy can go a long way — and help you to trouble-shoot when difficult times arise!

Try some of these strategies, and let us know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Concerned about a child

Dear “Concerned”,

This is a polarizing issue that tends to bring out strong opinions. There is a community that promotes an approach called “Attachment Parenting“, based on the work of well-known pediatrician and author William Sears, MD, and one of they key tenets of this approach says that “extended breastfeeding” (past the age of two years) is recommended and important to the development of a child to promote a solid sense of safety and security. However, their key tenets are only based loosely on well-known child development research, and Attachment Parenting certainly has it’s critics.

One of the things I do like about Attachment Parenting (AP) is it’s understanding of the cultural differences that exist in families around the world, and the promotion of various ways of raising a family that can resonate more fully with various non-Western cultures. For instance, many Asians traditionally — and happily — share a family bed, or a family bedroom, as is suggested by AP. I also like the fact that AP promotes the reliance on the family’s own resources to know what is best for their children; we don’t have to rely on outside “experts” for everything. AP is also well-known for it’s insistence that the attachment between infant and mother is essential to the development of a healthy baby, both physically and emotionally. That message sometimes gets lost, or diluted, in Western cultures.

The problem I have with AP is that it’s adherents often tend to be quite orthodox in their beliefs. I myself have been sternly lectured for simply using a stroller (as opposed to “baby-wearing”, another AP belief), as well as for using a bottle to feed my baby in public. Of course, this is the opposite of the intolerant demagogues who criticize breastfeeding in public — it’s their shared judgmental strictness that bothers me most.

The other concern I have is that it takes a blanket, “one-size-fits-all” approach to all children. Some babies don’t want to be held all the time. Some babies need time without physical contact to “decompress” from all that physical stimulation. Some babies don’t do well breastfeeding either, and many babies sleep better when they’re not disturbed by the direct physical contact of their parents. And your approach to raising your babies has to be dependent, at least partially, on the unique constitution of those babies. You’ve seen me write about sensory differences here at BabyShrink, and I know far too many babies who have these quirks and preferences to be comfortable giving a blanket statement about “baby-wearing”, breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. In our family, only 1 of our 3 children enjoyed being held all the time; the other two needed “time-outs” from direct physical contact in order to look around and “process” all of that physical contact. They (and I) both felt better for a little break now and again, and I used bouncy seats, strollers and cribs regularly for these breaks. It simply isn’t fair to criticize parents who accurately judge the needs of their babies to include a little “down time”, or to make them afraid that they risk their child’s optimal development if they use a stroller or have their crib in their own room.

If you’ve read other BabyShrink posts, you won’t be surprised to hear me say that I strongly support the uniqueness of each individual family to best decide the individual needs of each of their unique babies. And to that end, I say that if it works for a family to have a family bed, or for mom to breastfeed for over two years, I’m not going to criticize that. However, I have met many families who suffer negative consequences of making those decisions, but stick with them in the false belief that it’s what’s best for their children. Often, an AP family will come to see me for a problem related to the development of their toddler. When I start to gather more information, guess what? Mom is exhausted, usually because she has been unable to sleep through the night since the day her baby was born; she’s often still nursing several times a night. And her husband is grumpy because he can’t get any “alone time” with his wife, and he’s sick of being kicked through the night by a toddler who gets bigger by the day. So mom is beyond exhausted, dad is frustrated and distant, and the toddler becomes the focus of the problem. Everyone suffers in this scenario. In this situation, my advice often includes the suggestion to transition the toddler into his own bed, in his own room, to restore some balance in the lives of the couple. The relationship needs attention, too! If the parents don’t have a strong relationship, the development of the child will surely suffer. And if the child needs to sleep in his own bed, and be weaned from breastfeeding, that is a small price to pay if it serves the purpose of bringing the parents back into a more harmonious relationship.

So, “Concerned” reader, I can’t say that “extended breastfeeding” will hurt the development of the child, without knowing all the other factors in the family. It remains the responsibility of the family to determine what’s best for them — and for their child. But I certainly don’t promote Attachment Parenting as the “be-all, end-all” guide to what’s best for your child. Only you can decide that!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST FOR AN EXTENDED, INTERESTING DISCUSSION AMONG READERS!

AND DON’T MISS ANOTHER ONE OF MY ATTACHMENT PARENTING POSTS HERE

PLUS THIS POST AS WELL — IT’S BECOME A POPULAR TOPIC!!

Mama A in Canada

Hi Mama A,

You pose a very interesting and important question. How do we handle the sexual development of our very young children?

Young childrens’ bodies are actively developing in every way. As they develop, they learn that their bodies have different kinds of sensations. It’s a normal part of their own
self-exploration. Young children do experience immature sexual sensations, and masturbation is quite normal. It does not mean that the child is developing sexually too early.

However, it’s a difficult balance to strike, as parents. We want to send the message
that sexual feelings are healthy and normal. But we also want our children to
have a strong sense of boundaries and understanding of what is “good touching”
and what is “bad touching”. We also want them to know that there are appropriate places for self-exploration. For instance, your daughter can feel free to explore her body when she is alone in her room. But it’s not an activity for the living room, or with other kids. It’s
not too early to begin conveying those messages now. You can say, I know it
feels good when you do that. But it’s for you to do in private, in your room,
OK?

We want them to learn to feel comfortable with their bodies and the pleasurable sensations they experience. But we also want them to develop a strong psychological sense of
privacy and safety in experiencing sexual feelings. This is a good time to
start mentioning little facts about her body, and who is allowed to touch whom,
and where.

The emotional message you send about the issue is at least as important as the words you use.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about bodies and sexual feelings, perhaps practice first. You don’t need to give her a big lecture. You should simply mention little facts now and again, such as Oh, you’re wearing a bathing suit now. Who is allowed to touch you under your bathing suit? Only you. Or Mommy, Daddy or your doctor, to make sure you’re clean and healthy.

You also need to talk to your daughter’s pediatrician about it, since little girls can have irritation caused by a urinary tract infection or rash. This may cause itching and the
kind of behavior you describe. So check that out, too.

One last comment about masturbation. Some may worry that their child was sexually abused or somehow learned this behavior inappropriately. But how do you know if that’s true? If your child masturbates excessively, to the exclusion of other usually interesting activities, and can’t keep her behavior to herself privately, you might want to ask your doctor for help. (And don’t feel embarrassed asking about it; your pediatrician hears this question several times a day!)

I hope this helps!

Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink