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Dear BabyShrink,

My 8-month-old Lehua is going through a real burst right
now, and among other things has just figured out how to get herself up to a
sitting position. This is great, but it’s really messing with her naps.
Previously, she would fuss for 5 or 10 minutes, and then fall asleep. But now,
she’ll push herself up to sit and then seem to get "stuck" there.
Fussing turns into sobbing and screaming, and she never gets to sleep. This
morning she stayed like that the full hour until we went to get her. This
afternoon she dozed off for about 20 minutes and then woke up very fussy but
wouldn’t go back down because of the sitting thing. What to do? My instinct is
that she needs to learn how to do it herself and we should just tough it out a
few days until she gets it. But I don’t know. My mom disagrees of course.

Related question: what to do when she wakes up after only 20
minutes of a nap and is still fussy? Go and get her even though she hasn’t
gotten enough rest, or leave her in there fussing until she goes back to sleep?
She is taking short naps lately and it is clear she’s not rested.

In my experience, it is just so much easier to create good
habits than to break bad ones. I think our sleep situation is an example of
this, because from the beginning I was super militant about laying down good
nightime habits — never taking her out of her room once we put her down,
keeping a regular bedtime, putting her down awake and letting her fall asleep
on her own. The goal was for her to be independent in her sleep habits. But I
think I dropped the ball on naptime — I’d often let her sleep in the car, in
my arms, or in the stroller. Anyway, I’m sure there are other reasons she has
more trouble sleeping during the day, but I can’t help believe that was a
factor.

Still, it’s good to be reminded of the need to be flexible
and have a little "grace period" in times of upset. I’m kind of an uptight person, so when
things are getting shook up, I tend to cling even harder to my routines and
"good habits." I agree that, while moving in the direction of good
habits, you still need to "go with the flow."

I guess the real answer here is what you’ve talked about
before — trusting your instincts about what your own baby needs. But it’s hard
when you’re not sure what your instincts are telling you!

Ilima
Maui, Hawaii

Dear Ilima,

Wow! I can really
relate. Once you have the routine down pat, they go and change on you. I wish I
had "the answer". But since this is sort of an unavoidable part of
development, all I can do is give you some general information, and you can use
your Mommy sense to see what might work for Lehua. (You can also read my "Babies and Sleep" article here.)

First, yes, sleep is super important. BUT, a few days’ disruption does not make
for a "bad habit". I know she’s cranky, but your goal is to gently
nudge her back in the direction of sleeping through. In the meantime, one of
the things she’s looking for is some comforting through all the wild and wacky
changes she’s experiencing.

That’s one of the reasons she is waking….to look
for you. She is entering a phase where she will be more aware of you, and when
you’re gone. Separation anxiety will crop up during sleep, when she is
away from you. That’s part of it.

So: what to do when she awakens after 20 minutes, and you
know she’s still tired? There are not really a lot a great choices. I say, be guided by practicality. See
how you’re feeling that day, and see how she sounds. Is she just a little
cranky? Then let her fuss a bit. Is she just way over the limit? Hold her awhile and
see if she might go back down. If not….that’s OK. Perhaps an earlier bedtime
later that evening is called for. All is not lost. Pick her up and go on with
your day, albeit with a cranky girl.

You will also be letting her know that
flexibility and adaptation is one important way you will be helping her cope with difficult times.

(Lots
of my readers have asked about this, and it has been a discussion online here. Can
you be flexible….and still have good limits? Yes. Absolutely. More on that topic soon.)

Also, she’s not too young to start talking to her about
what’s going on. "Lehua, I know you know how to sleep nicely in your crib.
You’re tired! Mommy’s tired! Let’s sleep MORE today, ok? I know you’ll feel so
much better when you sleep. Mommy will be here when you wake up today. I know
you miss me. You’re safe, we’re here." Just a short little pep-talk is enough. She may not understand 100% of
your words, but she’ll start to get the gist, over time. And it will condition
you to start talking to her about these developmental challenges, and how you
are going to help her get through them.

So much of young babies’ sleep is constitution and temperament, not the
environment. That’s a concern I have with some of the popular baby sleep
books; the shrinks who wrote them mostly dealt with really severe sleep
problems in their practices, and developed their approaches based on those
cases. The "run of the mill" cases like yours and mine would just
never present to a sleep clinic at a major university. If we generalize
to the normal, general public, you get worried and educated parents like
you and me thinking that our kids are under-sleeping, developing bad habits,
etc.

It doesn’t take much to provide a generally "good
enough" environment for sleep for your baby. Anything beyond that is
likely to make you nuts, and waste your precious parental energy. And when baby #2 (or #4) comes along? Forget about it! You won’t be able to control the environment very well at all. But those babies still tend to sleep fine. In our house, our third is the best sleeper of the group, and let me tell ya, this house is not a quiet, predictable place!

Your point about independence is well-taken, though, as that
certainly is our ultimate goal in child-rearing. But there are developmental
capacities that need to be considered. How much independence can be tolerated
by the child at each particular age and stage? And how do we allow for the normal, needed
regressions in independence that occur regularly? True independence comes out
of a solid bedrock sense that one has a strong foundation, and that strong
foundation can only be established though reliable dependence in early
childhood.

Your baby depends on and "borrows" your care, love and strength until those feelings become internalized.
That’s the beginning of true independence.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

When should we switch B to a regular kid bed? She’s 2 1/2 and still in her crib, but hasn’t
shown ANY sign of not liking it, or trying to get out. It’s a hassle to lift her in and out, but at
least she’s not up and about at all hours of the night (like I think she would
be if she was in a "regular" bed).

Katie Kat
Lawrence, KS

Dear Katie Kat,

This is an easy one. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. That crib feels awfully cozy and comfy to a
toddler who is trying out new (and sometimes scary) things every day.

Some of you have little monkeys who manage to escape
the crib. Don’t be fooled; they might be trying to see if they CAN get out, but
that doesn’t mean they really WANT to get out. (Or that you really want them
to!)

I mean, really, what’s so great about a Big Kid Bed?

I can’t tell you how
many stories I’ve heard like this: Toddler escapes crib. Parents assume: AHA!
Time for the Big Kid Bed. After highly-anticipated Dora/Diego sheets purchased
from “Tarzhay”, Big Kid Bed is initiated. Toddler then proceeds to roam the
house freely at night and otherwise wake up the household at all hours. Parents
suffer major sleep deprivation (again) until the Monkey gets closer to 3 (or
4), and settles into a Big Toddler sleep pattern. If you have a Monkey, take a
look at these crib tents. People  swear by them, and it seems to give
that sense of reassurance to the toddler that “your crib is still a safe place
for you”.

Really, the crib is not only for keeping the toddler
corralled and in the same general location all night. It’s also for providing a
sense of safety and containment for them. So don’t worry that you’re somehow
making them feel like they’re in “toddler jail”.  And most toddlers don’t even attempt to climb
out, not because they can’t, but because they are comforted by the secure
feeling of the crib. When we moved our then 2 1/2 year old oldest to a bed, she
acted like the bed still had rails. She wanted to be put in and out of the bed, like
a crib. I think it freaked her out a little bit to be so "free"!

Really, as long as they are happy in the crib, don’t make
yourself nuts. There is no developmental/psychological reason for them to move
into a "Big Kid Bed" at 2 or even 3. Wait until it makes sense for the
toddler, and the household, to do it. And when you are ready, some kids like
the option of having both bed and crib available, if there’s space. Then THEY
can make the choice, nightly, for awhile.

For some, the decision will coincide with them trying to
stay dry at night, and going by themselves to the potty. So that could be a
transition point.

But whatever you do, don’t ask the toddler to give their crib
up to a new baby.

If you must transition the crib for a newbie, make the
transition as slowly as possible, and as early as possible. You want to avoid
the sense of safety being taken away from the toddler, and given to the new
baby. You don’t need to fuel sibling rivalry any more than necessary! Ideally, both
toddler and infant would have their OWN cribs. While this isn’t always
practical or possible, it does attempt to convey that “you each have your own
separate, safe places that nobody will take away until you’re ready.”

That said, many toddlers make the transition to the Big Kid
Bed without fuss or difficulties. But it comes down to knowing YOUR kid, being
flexible with the transition, and respecting the needs of everyone in the
family. (You included!)

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

What is your take on potty training? Just GO FOR IT, or let the child initiate it
all? I have heard (or read) everything
from "start at 3 months old," to "you can do it in ONE (or
three) day(s)," to "they’ll get it when they are developmentally
ready." We are in the midst of
training now, but I feel like we’re just limping along. I want it to be DONE, but I don’t have time
to spend 3 days in the bathroom with her (like some books suggest) or plan an
entire party around the event (yes, a real suggestion for a "one day"
solution). I guess we’re doing okay, but
it’s just a PAIN IN THE ARSE!

Katie Kat

Lawrence KS

(Katie Kat and Little B, back when life was less complicated….)

Hi Katie Kat,

This is another issue that triggers tremendous parental
guilt, stress and competitiveness. We think, “My kid is SUPPOSED to be fully
trained by now….My Mom says I was potty trained at 18 months….He’s gotta be out
of Pull-Ups before he starts preschool…The kid down the street has been trained
for over 6 months now!”

But first, let me ask you this: What is the definition of “potty
trained”, anyway?

For some, it means wearing underwear…except for away from
home, pooping, and at night. For others, it means wearing a diaper, but
(usually) peeing on request in the baby potty. And for still others, it means
different things, on different days! Even most preschools, despite their
protestations to the contrary, will actually work with your toddler on this
one. So once we realize that there is a whole continuum of potty training (what
some call “toilet learning”), we can relax a bit.

 The other thing is the grandparent issue. Yeah, I know your
parents put pressure on you to get your kid trained yesterday…but the world is
really a different place, now. I mean, if THEY had super-duper-absorbent
diapers in the super-duper sizes we have now at CostCo, they wouldn’t have been
in such a rush either, would they? And let’s face it, there’s nothing grosser
than trying to help a tiny tushie balance on a disgusting gas station toilet…isn’t
it easier sometimes to just change a diaper?

Forcing a kid to toilet train when they’re not ready is a
recipe for disaster. Remember the “anal stage” from your Intro Psych class?
Freud was getting at the fact that toddlers are fighting mightily to gain
control over their own bodies. When we interfere too much, we start a struggle
over power and control that we truly don’t want to win.

So, what to do?

All kids are different. I would suggest trying out one
technique at a time, based on how the technique appeals to YOU and your
schedule. TALK ABOUT IT with your toddler, using encouraging, simple language (and
model it at home too! Dontcha love that?). Read humorous books together, like
our current favorite, “Everybody Poops”. But regardless of technique, attitude
is the most important thing. Don’t fall into the trap of
expectations/pressure/disappointment. Understand that accidents WILL happen,
maybe even for months (or years: sorry!) after the initial potty training is
"done". Don’t punish or scold for mistakes, and don’t press for
progress when there’s a lull. Know that
potty training often does progress in phases: dry at HOME, in the DAYTIME first….but diapers outside and at night.
Then dry at night, (or not!) and so on. Some are lucky and it all happens fairly quickly….but for most, not so
much!

Good luck and aloha!

~~Dr. Heather, The BabyShrink

 I’d love to hear readers’ potty training stories and suggestions! Please comment!