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Selma Fraiberg wrote this classic on early childhood fifty years ago. My own thinking is based largely on her work, and I literally sleep with this on my bedside table for parenting comfort after a hard day with the kids. One of the problems with parenting advice today is that it’s a “one size fits all” approach that doesn’t take the child’s specific developmental stage — or temperament — into account. Fraiberg explained this in the juicy little quote I’ve included below. Here’s a sampler from the book’s preface:

If we understand the process of child development, we see that each developmental stage brings with it characteristic problems. The parents’ method of helping the child must take into account the child’s own development and his mental equipment at any given stage. This means that there is very little point in speaking categorically about “childhood anxieties” or “discipline problems in childhood”. The anxieties of the two year old are not the same as the anxieties of the five year old. Even if the same crocodile hides under the bed of one small boy between the ages of two and five, the crocodile of the two year old is not the same as the crocodile of the five year old — from the psychological point of view. He’s had a chance to grow with the boy and is a lot more complex after three years under the bed than he was the day he first moved in. Furthermore, what you do about the crocodile when the boy is two is not the same as what you do about him when the boy is five.“

From the classic “The Magic Years“, by Selma Fraiberg: page xvii.

Here at BabyShrink, I take Fraiberg a step farther. We look at problems with parenting babies, toddlers and preschoolers, and break the developmental stages down even more specifically. So the feeding problems of the 3-month-old are completely different than the feeding problems of the 9-month-old or of the two-year-old.

I don’t do any affiliate links in any way from this site, so believe it when I say the 10 bucks you spend on this gem at amazon (or wherever) will be worth way more than that in parenting clarity. Enjoy!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Our 6-year-old is in the throes of a really anxious phase. He often needs to be reassured about where we are, even if we’re all just in the house. He’s afraid to go to sleep at night. And he’s terrified of “ET”, a classic we allowed the babysitter to show the kids one night. You’d think my shrink-training would help in these situations, but often it doesn’t. You know how it goes: When it comes to your own kids, rational knowledge goes out the window.

Intellectually, I remind myself that 6-year-olds aren’t rational creatures yet. They can’t hang on to the logical reassurances we give them. They haven’t reached the stage where logic “sticks” in their minds. In many ways, they’re still like preschoolers; apt to live in the “magical world” of fantasy, imagination, and fears.

But when he’s scared out of his wits, part of me wants to scream, “Snap out of it! We’re not leaving you, we never have, and we never will! Enough, already, and go to sleep!”

So I’m calling in reinforcements. I’ve pulled an awesome book off my shelf and am reminded why I think this is one of the world’s best parenting guides. If you haven’t seen it, go spend 10 bucks on Amazon for the paperback version, or check it out of your library. You’ll refer to it again and again (and I promise, I get no “cut” from promoting anything here). It’s called “Between Parent and Child”, by Dr. Haim Ginott. It was first published a million years ago, but it couldn’t be more appropriate today. His sensitivity and approach to dealing with children simply can’t be matched. Reading Ginott again has lifted a weight from my shoulders and reminded me that all will be well with our son, soon enough. It’s also given me lots of good ideas for how to approach this phase-specific anxiety he’s going through.

I hope you enjoy it!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Here are some of my favorites, if you need last-minute gift ideas for young kids, ages 4-8:

Stoo Hample’s The Silly Book, published by Candlewick. This classic holds it’s own. My kids recite these ridiculously funny lines in the car, at home, and make BabyShrink’s Biggest Fan very proud in the process; she’s the one who bestowed this goofy gift upon us. Really, any young kid MUST have this book. Required reading!

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Check out Diary of Worm, by Cronin and Bliss (HarperCollins, Publisher). There’s a whole series of these Diary books, but this is my favorite. Funny and gross in a way your 4-8-year-old will love. Believe it or not, these kinds of gross stories are developmentally appropriate! Kids this age are starting to understand humor in a new way, and independence is enhanced any time our kids manage to gross us out. It helps them set up a little kid boundary around what they think and enjoy — and get a little space from us!

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Finally, I want to plug my friend Ilima Loomis‘ new book, Kaimi’s First Roundup. It’s a lovely depiction of the unique life of the paniolo, our Hawaiian word for cowboy, and the book is getting great reviews. Your kiddie horse-lovers will enjoy this unique take on the cowboy story. (And perhaps inspire a trip to come see us in Hawaii!) Don Robinson’s illustrations are fantastic.

Do you need a recommendation for a great book for yourself? Next time, I’ll tell you about the book I just finished — my favorite of the year!