A Classic Must-Read

I’m reading every parenting book ever written on an obsessive quest to find helpful nuggets and insights to include in my first BabyShrink book. Those of you who know me know that I think much of what’s available these days is garbage. Junk. Not practical. Not worth the money.

But once in awhile, I find a gem. Most of these gems are “oldies but goodies” — dated, in some ways, but true and superb in the way that classics always are.

Louise Bates Ames, PhD, wrote a whole series of parenting books over 30 years ago, with a new book for each year of life. I’ve read most of them, but so far, this is my favorite. It might have to do with the fact that I have a particularly spicy 1-year-old in the house (thankfully NAPPING, at the moment — something I don’t take for granted with her).

Ames doesn’t take 12-24 months for granted, like so many other parenting writers. Ames contends that, in fact, this is one of the trickiest ages to parent – and I fully agree. In this book, she explains why — and gives the simplest, sweetest, most effective suggestions I’ve ever read on how to contend with your newbie toddler.

Enjoy.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

If we understand the process of child development, we see that each developmental stage brings with it characteristic problems. The parents’ method of helping the child must take into account the child’s own development and his mental equipment at any given stage. This means that there is very little point in speaking categorically about “childhood anxieties” or “discipline problems in childhood”. The anxieties of the two year old are not the same as the anxieties of the five year old. Even if the same crocodile hides under the bed of one small boy between the ages of two and five, the crocodile of the two year old is not the same as the crocodile of the five year old — from the psychological point of view. He’s had a chance to grow with the boy and is a lot more complex after three years under the bed than he was the day he first moved in. Furthermore, what you do about the crocodile when the boy is two is not the same as what you do about him when the boy is five.“

From the classic “The Magic Years“, by Selma Fraiberg: page xvii.

Here at BabyShrink, I take Fraiberg a step farther. We look at problems with parenting babies, toddlers and preschoolers, and break the developmental stages down even more specifically. So the feeding problems of the 3-month-old are completely different than the feeding problems of the 9-month-old or of the two-year-old.

I don’t do any affiliate links in any way from this site, so believe it when I say the 10 bucks you spend on this gem at amazon (or wherever) will be worth way more than that in parenting clarity. Enjoy!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Intellectually, I remind myself that 6-year-olds aren’t rational creatures yet. They can’t hang on to the logical reassurances we give them. They haven’t reached the stage where logic “sticks” in their minds. In many ways, they’re still like preschoolers; apt to live in the “magical world” of fantasy, imagination, and fears.

But when he’s scared out of his wits, part of me wants to scream, “Snap out of it! We’re not leaving you, we never have, and we never will! Enough, already, and go to sleep!”

So I’m calling in reinforcements. I’ve pulled an awesome book off my shelf and am reminded why I think this is one of the world’s best parenting guides. If you haven’t seen it, go spend 10 bucks on Amazon for the paperback version, or check it out of your library. You’ll refer to it again and again (and I promise, I get no “cut” from promoting anything here). It’s called “Between Parent and Child”, by Dr. Haim Ginott. It was first published a million years ago, but it couldn’t be more appropriate today. His sensitivity and approach to dealing with children simply can’t be matched. Reading Ginott again has lifted a weight from my shoulders and reminded me that all will be well with our son, soon enough. It’s also given me lots of good ideas for how to approach this phase-specific anxiety he’s going through.

I hope you enjoy it!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Stoo Hample's Classic (Candlewick)

*******************************************************************

Check out Diary of Worm, by Cronin and Bliss (HarperCollins, Publisher). There’s a whole series of these Diary books, but this is my favorite. Funny and gross in a way your 4-8-year-old will love. Believe it or not, these kinds of gross stories are developmentally appropriate! Kids this age are starting to understand humor in a new way, and independence is enhanced any time our kids manage to gross us out. It helps them set up a little kid boundary around what they think and enjoy — and get a little space from us!

********************************************************************

Finally, I want to plug my friend Ilima Loomis‘ new book, Kaimi’s First Roundup. It’s a lovely depiction of the unique life of the paniolo, our Hawaiian word for cowboy, and the book is getting great reviews. Your kiddie horse-lovers will enjoy this unique take on the cowboy story. (And perhaps inspire a trip to come see us in Hawaii!) Don Robinson’s illustrations are fantastic.

Do you need a recommendation for a great book for yourself? Next time, I’ll tell you about the book I just finished — my favorite of the year!

But I have a real bone to pick with authors of books meant for babies — many of these are just poorly written, with no appreciation for a baby’s developmental level. A really egregious example is the series of books I saw the other day at one of the big-box stores. Upon first glance, the pictures were cute, colorful and fun. I think most parents (or grandparents) end their evaluation of the book right there. But if you look closer, you see that the storyline is confusing, there are a couple of parts that would be scary to toddlers and preschoolers, and the actual SIZE of the board book was enormous. Note to baby book publishers: Stop producing those giant board books that no baby could ever hold by themselves! Those things are real hazards. Have you ever tried reading one of those behemoths to a fidgety baby? They grab the pages and try valiantly to turn them, but the sheer bulk of the giant cardboard pages is enough to give the little one a black eye. Come on, let’s see some books that are created with actual babies in mind!

So I’m thrilled with my latest discovery, No No Yes Yes, by Leslie Patricelli. It’s a simple, hilarious look at the dilemmas experienced several times a day by babies and toddlers learning the rules and limits of life. Most baby books simply have too many words to be appropriate for such young minds.

Patricelli's No No Yes Yes -- Candlewick

Please check out Patricelli’s book — and she has several other cute ones I’m looking forward to reading.

Do you have any good baby book recommendations?

• My copies of The Girlfriend’s Guides by Vicki Iovine, especially her Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and Girlfriend’s Guide to Toddlers, have been so well-read in my house that the pages are literally falling off the binding. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laughed hysterically and made my husband immediately read a paragraph (or 10), no matter how busy he is. Publisher’s Weekly, in their review of her Pregnancy Guide, says, “Without stepping on any medical toes, and in language that is neither technical nor cutesy, she tackles morning sickness, swollen breasts, exercises, stretch marks, sex during and after pregnancy, delivery and just about everything else, from maternity clothing to bladder behavior. Iovine anticipates every conceivable question, and her responses are warm, wise and witty.” And about her Toddler Guide, they say, “even experienced mothers can benefit from this candid, supportive guide.” I’d love to interview Vicki one day on BabyShrink!

• Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows will save you a lot of $$$ in marriage counseling. Three mom authors have practical, funny, and realistic tips for making the whole family a lot happier, and restoring the balance that’s often lost when we add tiny little intruders into the family. I love the emphasis on re-invigorating a couple’s sex life, post-baby. And if you’ve ever experienced the “10 pm tap on the shoulder” approach to foreplay, you need to read this book for how to get things back on track. Explore their website as well as their discussion board for more on the tips in the book.  And stay tuned for my BabyShrink interview with the authors! Email me if you have any questions you’d like me to ask them.

• I just finished reading Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s Naptime Is the New Happy Hour; and Other Ways Toddlers Turn Your Life Upside Down. If you’ve seen the BabyShrink Interview with Stefanie, you know she’s hilarious, gorgeous, realistic about parenthood — and just added twin girls to her brood. This humorist, stand-up comedian, and all-around fabulous chick believes that we often take ourselves WAYYY too seriously, as parents. Get a great dose of her brand of irreverent mommy-in-the-trenches humor in her new book.

• And if you “reflexively refer to the bathroom as ‘the potty’, would trade your husband for a housekeeper, and consider going to the dentist your ‘special alone time’”, you need to read Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile’s I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids. I love the quick-read, funny lists they compile, like “You Know You’ve Lost Yourself Completely When…You find yourself rescuing a tiny Lego man from a poopy toilet”. They just released their follow-up, Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms, and I can’t wait to read it.

• Paul Reiser’s Babyhood.  A classic. This comedian/writer/producer/actor’s memoir of becoming a father is painfully funny. A great read for both moms and dads. Here’s part of his conversation with newborn babies about sleep: “Look, you’ve been here long enough to know this is the way it works: We’re up in the morning and we sleep at night – which you’ll remember is the dark part of the day. If you want to take a nap or two in the afternoon, that’s fine. But basically, them’s the rules, and you better straighten up and fly right.” Traditionally, their response is: “Hey, I could give a crap about your rules. These are my rules, so why don’t you get with the program?” A must for every new parent. It was published wayyyy back in 1997, so you may have to search for it a bit, but it’s worth it.

What are your favorite mom/dad parenting authors? Let us know your picks by commenting here!

Don’t forget to list your top picks in the comments section below.

• BabyShrink reader Dylan recommended Dr. Anthony Wolf’s The Secret of Parenting, which immediately rose to the top of my recommended list. He’s got exact scripts for us to use with all sorts of annoying kid behavior, from whining, to lying, to “I’m Bored”, “You Promised”, and of course the always popular, “It’s Not Fair”. He sets limits in a way that takes the angst out of the process for parents, and keeps the focus on the positive — without punishment.

• Where’s this little gem been all my kids’ lives? Claire Lerner and Amy Laura Dombro write for Zero-To-Three, the national authority on early childhood, and this book hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves. Bringing Up Baby; Three Steps to Making Good Decisions in Your Child’s First Years is a quick read that gives us a way to make our own best decisions about our unique kids, without giving a “cookbook” list of advice. Their Three-Step Approach to Parenting helps us develop our own sense of what’s best for each kid (and each parent), in each situation.  I      especially appreciate their emphasis on discovering your kid’s temperament, (as well as your own), and how that impacts your parenting decisions.

• I’ve learned so much about the importance of sensory issues, and how they impact our kids’ mood and behavior, from my Occupational Therapist friends. One of my kids is a little sensitive to noises, and he reacts accordingly. Another needs a lot of running around and “heavy” physical play in order to get into a centered, receptive mood. These are all secrets learned from the pros who wrote Raising a Sensory Smart Child. It’s often recommended for kids who have a diagnosed sensory problem, but believe me, it’ll open your eyes about the importance of being “sensory smart” with every kid (and adult!). Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske have won awards and accolades for their work, and I highly recommend it. UPDATE: On a related and very exciting note, Lindsey Biel has agreed to a BabyShrink interview! So, more soon on this interesting sensory stuff!

• OK, this one’s not a book, but you’ve gotta see this series on DVD if you missed it on the Discovery Health channel. The Baby Human is the most fascinating documentary on the development of babies and toddlers that I’ve ever seen. It got all sorts of awards, because it explains the miraculously complex process of babies’ development with startlingly simple demonstrations and explanations. I’ve been a shrink for a long time, and there are some illustrations of the importance of pointing and speech development that are the best I’ve ever seen. There’s also fascinating footage of infant and toddler research in progress at major universities. Check it out to have a whole new appreciation of the changes your little ones experience every day! I especially like the episode: To Talk.

• And of course, I must recommend anything written by the gentle giant of the field, T. Berry Brazelton, MD.  Why can’t all pediatricians have the sensitivity and appreciation for little minds that this great man has? He helps us see that back-tracking (or “regression”)  is usually quite normal in development, that tantrums and other annoying toddler behavior is to be appreciated for the message of independence and competence that it sends, and explains why kids do actually want (and need) kind (but firm) limits, in a way that makes perfect sense. There’s so much to be learned from this man; if you haven’t heard of him, immediately get one of his books

What’s your list of favorite “expert” parenting books? Comment here and let us all know!