babyshrink.com

Hello Dr. Heather,

My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, a 4-year-old daughter, and a baby due in early August. We are moving across the country about two weeks after I have the baby. My husband will be attending graduate school in our new city. We were settled here and I’m having a really hard time with this. The kids are, too, though not as much as me. My daughter threw a penny in the fountain the other day and said “I wish we didn’t have to move.” My son was really looking forward to starting first grade with his kindergarten friends, and he’s quite upset from time to time, although not every day. Currently, we are still searching for a place to live there, and we have just sold our home here, which we all love, and so everything feels so unsettled.  I moved in the middle of second grade and still remember how traumatized I was by it, although my dad had lost his job, so there were some other difficulties going on in my family. I don’t want to project my childhood onto them, in addition to the sadness I’m feeling now.

My question is, how do I make this transition go as smoothly as it can for them, and how much does my sadness about this situation transfer to them?

Thanks,

You can call me “Emily”.

Dear “Emily”,

Did you see my recent post about moving?  I’m getting lots of questions like that at this time of year.

I do understand your concerns; it’s a big deal for me too; we moved several times in my childhood, and I am pretty sensitive about the issue. Uprooting your life is no small thing. The familiarity of your routine, the process of making new friends, adjusting to new jobs and schools; it’s harder than most people realize. But for young kids, it’s a lot easier.

It sounds to me like the challenge is going to be more for you, not the kids. Wow, Mama, you have your hands full! Moving 2 weeks post-baby? With 2 other little kids? Yowza! That’s a huge job, physically and emotionally. And your past negative experience with moving is likely to haunt you, to some degree.

YES, your kids totally pick up on your emotional reaction to the move. You (and their Dad) are their main emotional signposts, at least until they get to about second grade. In order to get through this with as little stress as possible, you need to lean on your husband as well as anyone else you can; family? Friends? Clergy?  Don’t hold back on asking for help.

Do you have any risk factors for postpartum depression? Please keep that in mind, especially in the 2-week-plus-postpartum period, when PPD is most likely to strike. That much change and stress — moving and a new baby, with two little ones, a whole new city, as well as your own childhood history of the difficult move…it all raises your risk for depression. Ask your husband to help monitor your mood as well. Make sure you hook up with an OB/GYN as soon as you get to your new city — and make sure you go in for a checkup. There are lots of resources available online to help you find a counselor if you need one.

Try to look at it all as an adventure. Help the kids see how to handle change in a positive way. Look at this as an opportunity to have a “re-do” on your own negative childhood experience of moving. This is not the same thing as when you were a kid; this is not an unfortunate turn of events that you all have to live with. This is you and your hubby making a decision for the ultimate good of the family. You have a chance to do it again…but different. Better.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

There is a strain of
pregnancy propaganda out there that sets new moms up for failure. It says that
unless you “achieve” some particular kind of delivery perfection, well,
then…you haven’t quite made the cut, as a Mom. And that makes me angry.

It’s in all the standard
pregnancy books. Something along the lines of, “Create your own birth plan. Be
in charge of your delivery. Don’t let that mean, nasty doctor force you to
deliver in some way that’s NOT in your plan. Decide in advance if you want to
use pain medications for the delivery….or not.”

What they don’t say is that
the birth process is usually so unpredictable that your carefully crafted
“Birth Plan” gets left at the bottom of your carefully packed “Going To The
Hospital Bag”…that got left at home, in a panic, as you rushed to the hospital.

Now, I’m a recovering control
freak, so don’t get me wrong. Anything that’s called “a plan” looks fabulous to
me. I did it myself, with our first baby. Here were my rules, when I was
cluelessly buying into the notion that I could actually control the birth
process by planning for it in advance: No induction. Lovely, inspirational
music playing in the background. No pain meds. No pitocin. No c-section. (Oh
yeah: no binkies or bottles for the baby either, but that was a different
lesson for me to learn, for a different post!)

What happened, you ask? Oh,
surely you must have guessed by now. I had it coming to me, big time. The
control freak gets hammered. The doctor wanted to induce labor, since the baby
was getting big, and she was overdue. But oh no, that was not in my Birth Plan.
So we waited. And waited. When labor finally did begin, the early stages went
well. But when it came time to push…not so well. I pushed and pushed and
pushed…and nothing happened. I stood up to push. I squatted to push. I pushed
and pushed for hours. The doctor wanted to add pitocin in order to add strength
to the contractions, to help me along. No way. Not in the birth plan. She
wanted to add an epidural, to relax me. No dice, doc. Finally the doctor had to
go and do an emergency c-section on another lady. I had some time. The nurse
convinced me to have the epidural and the pitocin, and then our baby was
finally born. After four solid hours of
pushing.

I was so sore after the
delivery I had to sit on two huge pillows for weeks, and I still was miserable. Here are some other examples
of “Birth Plans” that didn’t “pan” out:

· The
alternative-medicine-practitioner who swore she’d never use pain meds, who
begged for (and got, with huge relief) an epidural after 12 hours of
excruciating labor

· The Maui-Hippie-type who
arranged to have a birthing bath (with doula) brought to her home, only to need
an emergency c-section at 34 weeks

· My pain-fearing friend who
hoped for every drug in the hospital, but delivered in the hallway of the ER
while her husband was parking the car

Now, I’m all for planning, to
the extent that planning is possible.

But I’m really against the notion of
feeding new mothers the idea that there is somehow an ideal birthing situation
that they should be aiming for…other than the delivery of a healthy baby, with
a healthy mother. Because that sets us up for comparisons, judging, and disappointment.
The labor and delivery process is so unpredictable, and so individual and
varied, that you really cannot plan for every possibility.

Many of you have expressed
sadness, even a sense of failure, because you had to have a c-section. Or if
you “caved”, and got an epidural.  Unrealistic
expectations can lead to big problems. For some, this disappointment can even
lead to postpartum depression.

Lamaze Shlamaze; use whatever
works.

The breathing techniques I
learned in yoga and exercise classes helped me way more than anything I learned
in the actual preparation to have a baby. That said, I still pushed for four
hours! The only thing that is important in delivering your baby is that both
you and baby are healthy. I don’t care if a Martian comes down and performs
some kind of weird alien delivery for you, as long as you and your baby are
healthy at the end of it.

Did you have any surprises in
your delivery? Do tell!

At BabyShrink, we are inclined to believe Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is the long, lost lovechild of Erma Bombeck and Carol Burnett. How else to explain Stefanie’s sharp wit, stunning honesty and widespread public appeal? She is the author of two hilarious books: Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay: And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom, and her second salvo, Naptime is the New Happy Hour: And Other Ways Toddlers Turn Your Life Upside Down, which will be released this Tuesday, March 25.

Stefanie will be on the Today Show that day promoting it. It will be her fifth appearance on the show as a parent/humorist/author.

We happen to love Stefanie. We read her blog, Baby On Bored, where she writes about her three daughters (including four-month-old twins!), her experience with postpartum depression, and about life in general, with the superior brand of humor that has also served well in her stand-up comedy pursuits.

We are naturally thrilled that Stefanie agreed to be the subject of the second BabyShrink Interview.

BabyShrink: Why did you start Baby On Bored?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor: About three years ago, a few months after the birth of my daughter, Elby, I decided to start a blog since I was a writer who was unemployed due to HAVING A BABY. I’d been told how absolutely wonderful it was going to be to become a mother and had been looking forward to "the blessed event" for nine months. But I was in for a rude awakening. Not only did I have horrendous postpartum depression and not know what it was, but I felt unbonded to my baby, overwhelmed, full of regret and ripped off that I’d been sold a bill of goods that didn’t live up to the

{Photo courtesy of Alex Asher Sears Photo, Los Angeles}

expectation.

BS:  You don’t sugarcoat what it’s like to be a mom, and you’ve been very successful in being honest and funny about that.

SWT:  My first book deal came from my blog being seen by an agent and sold pretty straight away. I couldn’t believe that anyone would be interested in my decidedly unromantic take on the early days of my parenting experience but they were. Since the book received such a great response, I’ve found it’s my calling to be honest about everything. I’m feeling safe in the knowledge that others out there feel the same way.

BS: Tell me about your parenting approach.

SWT: Of course, the bonding did take place with my daughter and I love her in an obsessive, crazy, stalker, "mommyish" way. But I refuse to believe that there is one specific way to parent. I do believe that one should treat each child as an individual and parent that individual to the best of our abilities. Yes, you are a parent and you have to suck it up and make sacrifices. But I don’t think you have to live your entire existence thinking of ways to enrich their little minds and ensure they will get into an Ivy League school. Hey, I didn’t even go to college and things worked out okay.

I also believe that all parents lie, so you can’t compare your parenting to what others say. They all let their kids watch TV (otherwise how would you take a shower?). They all let their kids eat cookies (unless they’re completely crazy and controlling), and they all lose their temper once in awhile. It’s reassuring to say the least.

I must also say, I’m in praise of praise! The more the better as far as I’m concerned — this is in response to some articles saying parents overpraise their kids these days.

BS:  You had twin girls four months ago. Knowing you were prone to postpartum depression (PPD), how did you approach this pregnancy differently?

SWT: I did plan to go back on Zoloft the second I gave birth. When I found out my babies were coming early, I wasn’t so sure I would take the meds so fast because I knew I would be trying to pump as much as possible. But, my doctor was fairly insistent that the Zoloft wouldn’t affect my milk enough to warrant possible PPD, so I went ahead and started it. I still pumped for a month while the babies were in the NICU and even the nurses there told me the Zoloft wasn’t a problem.

BS: Has it been different this time?

SWT: It’s been different, yes. My PPD didn’t get nearly as bad in part from the anti-depressant and in part because I knew what I was in for as far as sleep deprivation. The first time around I was paranoid that my horrible attitude would chase my poor husband screaming into the arms of another woman or even another house. But this time, we knew it was just divide and conquer — make it through the first few months and things will get better.  This pregnancy I didn’t mess around and I’m so glad I went back on the medication immediately. With twins, I seriously wouldn’t have had time to be moping around the house all day.

BS:  Did your preparations and advance knowledge help?

SWT: Yes and no. Of course it helps to know that you’ve had another baby and survived it. But, part of PPD is chemical and that can’t be solved by knowing about it in advance. For me, that required meds — pure and simple, and I refuse to feel weak because I need a little something to get me through. Hell, I need meds with or without a baby or three.

BS: Did the twins being preemies and in the NICU make things more complicated, in terms of how you were feeling and recovering? 

SWT: On one hand, I think having the babies be in the NICU made it easier. I knew they were okay and I had a chance to recover from my C-section and fix up the house before they came home. On the other hand, the fact that I went on hospital bedrest and had these babies much sooner than I thought I would, combined with hearing there was a major growth problem with one of the babies, caused an enormous amount of stress. Even though it’s all over, the babies are safe and home and we have help, I realize I’m still recovering from that stress. And it will probably be awhile until things are back to normal.

BS: What can you say to the other moms out there who might also be prone to PPD but are afraid of reaching out to ask for help?

SWT: When I had my first baby, Elby, I thought I was crazy because I was crying inconsolably all day everyday. I felt ashamed that I didn’t feel connected to my child and that instead of feeling blissful I just felt sad and, to be honest, angry. But when, due to my inability to censor myself, I told my doctor exactly what I was feeling, he blew me off and said that "having a baby is a big responsibility" and to basically suck it up. So, not knowing better, I did. It took me 14 months to get the help I needed. It wasn’t until after my daughter was hospitalized for dehydration that I realized I’d felt stressed for months and needed help. I went to a shrink and was put on Zoloft and I suddenly realized that I hadn’t felt normal since my daughter was born. It was like a window opened. Hey, if you’re against pills and think maybe yoga or aromatherapy is going to make a difference for you than by all means do Downward Facing Dog or get a Glade Plug-In. But if you really want to fight fire with fire, I say GET HELP.

To read more of Stefanie’s thoughts, buy her books (linked above) and visit her blog at babyonbored.blogspot.com