Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category:
Do We Overprotect Our Kids?
Dear Dr. Heather,
I have a daycare question about my 7-year-old twins; they go there on school breaks. My question is whether we are overprotecting them. How do you balance between teaching kids to stand up for themselves — and protecting them?
Their provider’s eight-year-old son is very big and plays rough. Without tormenting or actually bullying them, he sometimes holds them longer than they would like, or accidentally hits them. They say it’s not on purpose, and trust me, my son is a tattle-tale, so I’d know. They don’t seem at all afraid of him, but they get angry (understandably). His mother’s response is to spank the boy after the fact. I would rather have it prevented than punished. On the other hand, I want them to learn to say no if they don’t want to play with him, or if he gets rough. We could take them out of this daycare, role- play standing up for themselves and talk with the provider, or leave things as they are if we are over reacting. Both my husband and I were teased and I was bullied as a child, so I can’t tell if I’m over or under-reacting to this situation.
I also wonder about playing alone outside. They need to be able to play outside sometimes without close supervision at this age, I feel. Is this wrong, and I’m expecting too much for their maturity level? It seems like in the 70s I was riding my bike around the neighborhood and playing unsupervised at their age.
I would love your advice!
Mary H, Grand Rapids MI
Hi Mary,
It’s a very complex question you ask: How much do we push our children to stand up for themselves — and when is the right moment to jump in and protect them?
And you’re right — it is a different time we’re in now. Most of us (of a certain age…ahem) remember riding bikes until dark (without helmets, of course), exploring uncharted neighborhood territories with only our pals along with us, and riding without seat belts, in the front seat of the car (in my case, I remember riding in the front-seat FOOTWELL of our VW Bug!)
Our parents think we’re nuts about all this safety stuff. We all somehow lived…isn’t it good enough for OUR kids? And to a certain degree, they’re right. Our society does place an inordinate amount of scrutiny on the moment-to-moment activities of our children. They’re not able to run free and just PLAY, and have unstructured “down-time”. Free play, just for the sake of PLAY, is really important to the development of children. We schedule them like mad, and then wonder why they have ever-increasing rates of emotional and academic problems. There’s just too much pressure to perform, every minute of the day. So you’re right to wonder about letting them tackle their own problems, and having some room to grow.
But it is a different time — we’re more sophisticated today about safety issues, and we also understand that bullying can be really damaging to kids. So there is more than a kernel of truth in the approach that says we’d better watch our kids carefully, and intervene when necessary.
So how do you strike that balance?
That depends on your unique kids. Each one will have different needs for supervision, at different ages. Some may need a lot of coaching for how to negotiate complex social situations, like the one you describe. Other kids will have more of a knack for handling themselves. Similarly, their need for constant supervision will vary from kid to kid.
So this means you need to KNOW YOUR KID. What are their strengths and weaknesses, in social situations? What is their judgment like? Are they likely to cave in to peer pressure, or can they hold their ground? Are they leaders, or followers? Impulsive, or analytic? Constantly evaluating your kids in this way will help you know what they CAN handle, and what they still need your help in tackling. And don’t worry if they DO still need your oversight; social situations are one of the most complicated things our brains process, and they are mostly handled in the outer cortex of the brain; the last to develop in humans. In fact, it looks like these brain areas are still a work-in-progress until the early 20’s. So don’t hesitate to step in and help your kids think through these things.
The other issue for you, Mary, is that your kids are in a daycare. Your daycare provider is being paid to keep your kids safe — and so she’d better be watching them closely. Just for the sake of liability, she must provide them with an inordinate amount of structured, safe care. So SHE may be overreacting to her son’s acting out. But I certainly think it would be fine to approach her with your observations about your kids, and let her know that you’re fine with letting the kids hammer it out themselves in most cases.
And your idea about role-playing with your kids is terrific. I think that’s something every parent should do, starting at about the age of 4 or 5; play-act tricky social situations with your kids. Take examples from scenes you have witnessed with them. Wait until everyone is feeling good and you all have some time. Then talk to them about how they might handle a tricky situation. “Let’s play pretend. I want us all to practice what happens when a friend wants to play tag, but you’d rather go on the swings. What can you say to them?” I find kids really get into it, and even start suggesting wrinkles in the scenario. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to hear them echo the lessons they’ve learned with you — when they’re out on the playground.
As for so many of the issues we struggle with here at BabyShrink, this is not a “One Size Fits All” solution. But by following your own knowledge about your own kids, you’ll find that balance over time.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
PS If you’re interested in learning more about the importance of PLAY in childhood development, read this great article in the New York Times.
Hope for Postpartum Depression: A Podcast
Here at BabyShrink, I get emailed questions from all over the world. Many of these make it onto the site; questions about potty training, TV-watching, and poop-smearing (which is my most-read post, if you can believe it!)
But there are other questions; questions too pained and personal to be published. Questions from mothers desperate about the difficulty of having a new baby. Questions from grandmothers, worried about the dark circles under their daughter’s eyes. Questions from husbands, worried that their wives (and marriages) might never be the same after the birth of their baby.
In our Lamaze class, we met several couples. You know how it is; you can’t help bonding with other couples going through the same trial-by-fire. You stay in touch with some of them. Others fade away, but you always recognize each other, say “hi” at the grocery store, and ask about their child, who is the same age as yours.
There was one couple we met and really liked. But they never seemed to follow through on suggestions of get-togethers. When we ran into them, they seemed fine. But they weren’t.
Quite by accident, I found out that the Mom had suffered a terrible, crushing postpartum depression after the birth of their baby. They never came to us — knowing we were both psychologists — and suffered alone.
I was stunned to have been so clueless about the pain they went through. Luckily, they eventually got help, and all is well now. But I never forgot about the terrible shame and hopelessness that must have driven them into silence.
I know there are many more of you out there, similarly suffering in silence. I hope that this, my first BabyShrink podcast, can help.
There are many people to thank in the launching of this podcast. Ilima Loomis, who helped me see that a podcast was the perfect vehicle for communicating with new mothers, who are alone and up with the baby at night. Heather Sanders, for my tech-support and visual flair extraordinaire, Glenn Sakamoto, my most tireless and knowledgeable supporter and designer, Danny Evans, who made BabyShrink happen, and his lovely Hot Wife, my BFF and straight-shooting reviewer. I also want to thank the women and families who have opened up the most frightening and painful chapters of their lives to me, to help me understand how best to help others.
I’m also collecting stories of recovery. If you’ve suffered from PPD and come through to the other side, please post a comment here to encourage others to get help….and send the message that you CAN feel better.
Note: This is a 16-minute podcast. It downloads to your player OR your computer in less than one minute, with a broadband connection.
Do I Have Childhood “Baggage” About Moving?
Hello Dr. Heather,
My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, a 4-year-old daughter, and a baby due in early August. We are moving across the country about two weeks after I have the baby. My husband will be attending graduate school in our new city. We were settled here and I’m having a really hard time with this. The kids are, too, though not as much as me. My daughter threw a penny in the fountain the other day and said “I wish we didn’t have to move.” My son was really looking forward to starting first grade with his kindergarten friends, and he’s quite upset from time to time, although not every day. Currently, we are still searching for a place to live there, and we have just sold our home here, which we all love, and so everything feels so unsettled. I moved in the middle of second grade and still remember how traumatized I was by it, although my dad had lost his job, so there were some other difficulties going on in my family. I don’t want to project my childhood onto them, in addition to the sadness I’m feeling now.
My question is, how do I make this transition go as smoothly as it can for them, and how much does my sadness about this situation transfer to them?
Thanks,
You can call me “Emily”.
Dear “Emily”,
Did you see my recent post about moving? I’m getting lots of questions like that at this time of year.
I do understand your concerns; it’s a big deal for me too; we moved several times in my childhood, and I am pretty sensitive about the issue. Uprooting your life is no small thing. The familiarity of your routine, the process of making new friends, adjusting to new jobs and schools; it’s harder than most people realize. But for young kids, it’s a lot easier.
It sounds to me like the challenge is going to be more for you, not the kids. Wow, Mama, you have your hands full! Moving 2 weeks post-baby? With 2 other little kids? Yowza! That’s a huge job, physically and emotionally. And your past negative experience with moving is likely to haunt you, to some degree.
YES, your kids totally pick up on your emotional reaction to the move. You (and their Dad) are their main emotional signposts, at least until they get to about second grade. In order to get through this with as little stress as possible, you need to lean on your husband as well as anyone else you can; family? Friends? Clergy? Don’t hold back on asking for help.
Do you have any risk factors for postpartum depression? Please keep that in mind, especially in the 2-week-plus-postpartum period, when PPD is most likely to strike. That much change and stress — moving and a new baby, with two little ones, a whole new city, as well as your own childhood history of the difficult move…it all raises your risk for depression. Ask your husband to help monitor your mood as well. Make sure you hook up with an OB/GYN as soon as you get to your new city — and make sure you go in for a checkup. There are lots of resources available online to help you find a counselor if you need one.
Try to look at it all as an adventure. Help the kids see how to handle change in a positive way. Look at this as an opportunity to have a “re-do” on your own negative childhood experience of moving. This is not the same thing as when you were a kid; this is not an unfortunate turn of events that you all have to live with. This is you and your hubby making a decision for the ultimate good of the family. You have a chance to do it again…but different. Better.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
